UPDATED FOR 2024. Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call “Penny.” She’s been in a custody battle with the father of her child, who she believes is a sociopath. Although Penny has been able to gain full physical and legal custody of the child, and has a restraining order against the father, he still has visitation so Penny must deal with child exchanges. She’s provided the following tips for others who are in similar situations.
1. Stay strong in God!
I know that this is difficult at times because I myself have been tried so much. Go to church regularly and tell the pastor(s) and counselors at your church what you are dealing with and ask them and the congregation to pray for you. Pray and read your Bible. If you are not religious you might want to try this out anyway or meditate to bring peace to your soul. It is absolutely necessary that you find some peace in a situation that is utter chaos and dysfunction.
2. Do not take their bait!
I have read on several websites (including this one), and books like The Sociopath Next Door, by Dr. Martha Stout, and also Without Conscience, by Dr. Robert Hare, that stress this very point. I found this out the hard way and have learned from experience that this only adds to the problem because the sociopath is often trying to get a reaction out of you. Reacting or retaliating against the sociopath only fuels the fire. Although it might sound cliche, one can only truly and successfully fight evil with goodness, especially in this case.
3. Document everything!
Sociopaths (as my ex is) are pathological liars and are bound to contradict themselves in their stories. Thorough logs of all events with the sociopath and also supporting documents such as emails, police documents, medical records, court documents, etc., can all be of help when dealing with a sociopath in a situation such as this.
Read more: Sociopaths and family
When the time is right (sometimes its smart to let time go by so that the sociopath can implicate, perjure, and hang him/herself some more) you might decide to file the appropriate paperwork in court (i.e. Order to Show Cause for custody and visitation, declarations, motions for contempt of court, etc.) and attach the documents that you have been logging and saving as exhibits/evidence to your court papers (you can ask an attorney, paralegal, or family law self help center or other similar groups how to do this).
If you have the financial resources, you might want to consider a deposition as another opportunity to let the animal perjure him/herself some more.
4. Request explicit court orders!
I have found through personal experience that sociopaths will exploit and take advantage of any ambiguity or vagueness in court orders to create complete and utter chaos. You must push for detailed court orders when you go to court to prevent this from happening.
5. If possible, ask the court to arrange exchanges at local police departments!
Doing this eliminates the opportunity of having to interact with the sociopath at your home or his/her home as well as other places that are easy for chaos to occur. Arrive at the exchange early and let the officers know that you are there for a child exchange (make sure you always have the court orders with you so that the police can see it if need be) and you can ask the desk officers if they can monitor the exchange.
6. Have people other than you that you trust and are good people to do the exchange of your child(ren) if possible!
Making yourself as invisible as possible might increase the chances of cutting the sociopath out of your life since he or she will no longer be able to see you sweat. Remember to always stay calm and collected when the sociopath tries to anger you (you can cry and vent in private) even and especially in court.
7. Be cautious in stating that your ex is a sociopath!
Many people, including the courts, child welfare organizations, lawyers, etc., are not familiar with this devastating disorder and as a result do not know how to respond properly to the warning signs (as many of us did not know how to until we were caught in a complex web of deception). Therefore, focus on proving the behavior of the sociopath in court using the strategies I suggested earlier and do not accuse your ex of being a sociopath in court. They will not take this seriously since you are probably not a professional licensed to make such a diagnosis.
8. Push for communication between you and the ex to be through email only when you go to court!
Communication using this vehicle of communication helps to eliminate the possibility of he said/she said. Websites such as www.ourfamilywizard.com are excellent because they provide an opportunity for you to communicate with your ex via email and all the communication is safe and secure and can easily be printed out (all emails also include the date and exact time the emails were sent and viewed by the other party and also include the time any printed emails are generated).
Also, the website allows you to input your parenting schedules, input medical information for the child, and offers a journal, free children’s accounts to the child(ren) involved and can also offer professional accounts for minor’s counsel and possible others to oversee the account and monitor what is going on.
9. Push the court for permission to video or tape record exchanges and make sure this is written in the court order!
Doing this helps to eliminate any possibility for potential chaos.
10. Get all information straight from the source!
Do not rely on any information the sociopath provides you. Always verify all information concerning the child or children with their doctors, teachers, counselors, etc. If possible have the child(ren’s) doctors, teachers, counselors, etc. document all information they give you.
11. Do not cut the sociopath any slack!
Record and document any and all violations of court orders. Recording these violations may be helpful when you go to court.
12. Hire an experienced competent attorney, and if possible one that has experience in dealing with sociopaths or other similar personality disorders!
Child custody cases involving sociopaths are complicated and need the skill, experience, and know-how of a professional.
13. Trust your gut!
Oftentimes, we doubt our intuitions when we shouldn’t. In my personal experience I found that there were warning signs but I did not respond to them as I should have because I took the signs lightly.
Likewise, when I was drawn into my ex’s net of deception and chaos, I knew something was wrong, and attempted to explain what I believed was wrong with my ex to my previous attorney, but the attorney did not understand and discouraged me from engrossing myself in research. She stated that doing so could help me to become emotionally and mentally unstable (the attorney did not have experience in dealing with such complex personalities and so did not know how to properly respond to my ex’s actions).
I later decided to trust my gut and continued with my research. Through research, trial and error, I have learned how to better deal with my ex and I do not respond to his baits (my ex has accused me of being a sociopath and has falsely accused me of harassing him).
14. Take care of yourself!
Living well is truly the best revenge. As difficult as it may be, try not to let the sociopath make you a bitter, angry, mean person. Remember the ultimate goal of the sociopath is to frustrate you.
Enjoy your child(ren) while they are with you and let them know that you love them. Listen to them and model what real love looks like while they are in your care. Let them see you in loving relationships with other people.
Criticize their actions and not them in private and DO NOT talk badly about the other parent in their presence (this can give the other parent an opportunity to bring parental alienation charges against you); instead you can let them know that actions like the ones their parents are exhibiting are wrong and hurtful to others and that this behavior is undesirable.
Also, don’t forget to eat (like I have in the past), exercise, sleep, and laugh! Do not under any circumstances allow the sociopath to rob you of your ability to laugh.
Learn more: Proving parental alienation in court
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Dec. 21, 2009.
5 warning signs that your online love is a scammer
and hiring a PI was to find out the truth?
Mine’s not supposed to take my son to his drug dealing mother’s house. But he does. He also allows him to be unsupervised at his bipolar sister’s house, and that’s a no no too. So little we can actually control…
Banana:
Yes darling….PATIENCE……snake under rock…..basque until it’s perfect timing…..
He’s hanging himself…..
Here’s the real deal and I’m sure Rosa would wager on this one too…..
HE GOT FIRED from his attorney…..
Attorney’s are there to share the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth……(pardon the pun)… there job is to spin and follow the law…..
If they dont know the ‘truth’, they can’t support or prepare a case…..
The ex s did the same…..went through 3 representations…..
The judge will not tolerate this crap…..and the new attorney will be quick (sounds like already happening) to drop him too if he doesn’t see $$ from this client…..
If I recall….wasn’t your ex DATING his attorney?
If so……another good sign he is unravelling!!!
Hang tight my dear….the noose is tightening…
I’ll tell ya….PI’s are expensive…..I did all my own “PI” work…..but ya gotta watch yourself…..if you get caught…..your looking at a restraining order.
I did things like hire a professional photographer to take pics of the S surfing….while claiming he was severely injured…..
It was classic……I told the photog, it HAD to be a surprise, so when he saw him in the water……just tell him how great he is and he just wanted some shots…..I assured him he would give him the best pics because he would then start showing off….I told the photog…..he always wanted framed pics of him surfing done professionally, and this is what his kids wanted to give dad-y-o for x-mas……I told him they needed to be signed on the back and stamp dated on the front for ‘authentication’ of the date!
It was cheap…..$25.00 a shot……had 3 ‘nice’ ones framed….
Shouldof seen his eyes light up in court when I presented the pics!!!!
Except he would have been way more thrilled under ANY other circumstances…..
HA!
There are things you can do on your own…..
#1 rule….TAKE NO CHANCES!!!
NEVER
Banana, When they made the movie, “Daddy day-care,” they should have used our spaths as material. They are SO pathetic, you wouldnt leave a dog with them, much less a young, helpless child.
probably safer to leave your child with an alien from a different solar system!Its beyond belief that a judge can give them any access at all to young, vulnerable kids, who are just ripe to be turned into mini- spaths.Love, Gem.
I have posted about this before, but I am nearing my court date(s) with my sociopath ex.
He took my son on April 24, 2008 and still has him. He and his attorney have done everything they can to keep my son in his custody and away from me (for NO reason other than I filed). He threatened me for years that he would stop at nothing to get my son from me if I went through the courts. So far, he is getting away with it.
Due to the backlog of cases in my county, I have waited all this time for my court date. Meanwhile, he has verbally assaulted me at EVERY drop off, he has only allowed me visitation, he has blackmailed me with my child, and is still saying horiible things to my son, and to my husband and I in front of my son.
He began to carry out his threats as soon as I began to date my (now) husband. When I saw the damage it was doing to my son, I began to document, and filed for custody.
I have backup third party documentation (witnesses, medical records, hospital records, phone bills, emails) for all of my claims. I am banking on the fact that this will weigh heavily in court, since he is making similar claims (that I coach my son and poison him against his father – which BTW is the farthest from the truth) – with NO evidence, since its all untrue. I also have his ACTIONS to show in court. Action and his behavior. He has cut me out of dr. appts (no notification), he has placed my son in classes and not given me any schedule – I’ve emailed him three times asking. He has withheld medical information from me, saying he will give it to me if I pay him for it (witness to this). He has left the country and allowed a family member to take my son 3 hours away on vaca – with no notification to me at all. He tried to keep me from my son while he was hopitalized this past October, by lying to me and sneaking his aunt in to watch him.
My lawyer asked for an evaluation, and a court appointed attorney in the best interest of my child – back in MAY. We were just able to have one appointed. She is just getting all the information together to look at – and my court date is scheduled for Jan 26 and 27.
I am praying that she – and possibly an evaluator… can see through all his BS – and see what he is doing – to my child…. The past year of my life has been horrendous – and I am praying SO SO SO hard – that I get my son back and am able to give him the happy, healthy life he deserves.
Thanks for those who understand where I’m coming from- yes, it was very much the sociopaths in my life who still spend time trying to convince me that the world is wrong, they have “god given” rights to abuse the way they do… and it never seems to end. I’m not arguing that people shouldn’t do what works for them, I’m just frustrated that when I do what’s right for me- it gets turned into something unmoral (atheist isn’t immoral). Everyone here gets it, I know. I just had to feel clear that I was feeling alienated.. but I get where you are coming from.
Always, always remember especially #11, but imo avoid #5 as police hate this and are not set up to do this–in my experience this option provides no protection and can easily be manipulated by the sp — yes do #6 instead, or use a professional supervised visit center that is recognized by the local court for pick-ups & drop-offs–find out who the real pros are in the area, as there are some schmucks as in every business. There is usually a fee, but it is so worth it and should be considered necessary when dealing with an active sp.
Great help. So glad I found you. It’s been 3 years of dealing with a sociopath now..lots of court. I’ve been doing ALL the advice above..on my own. I suppy to the court piles of police reports of violation of ALL court orders. Well, she just decided to comply with one from 2008…attend co-parenting counseling ..until the counselor feels it is no longer necessary. (It’s an 11th hour attempt before our April 28th hearing) Yikes!! I know her only interest is to mine for any and all information that she can twist around into lies to continue her efforts to seperate me from my son (age 2 1/2). Does anyone have any advice on how I should attempt to deal with a sociopath in court ordered co-parenting counseling? ie. damage control?
Hi OakieED, I haven’t had any experience in this area, so can’t really advise you, but there are many here who can…Hold tight.
I just wanted to pop in and say it’s nice to meet you,and to wish you luck….Glad your here. 🙂
Dear OkieEd,
I second Kim’s welcome, also you might want to click on the LINK (it will be on your left on the screen) to Dr. Leedom’s PARENTING THE AT RISK CHILD. Dr. Leedom has a child with her X-P and has some wonderful parenting advice.
There are people here who have fought through the courts with their P over their children–some won, some loss and some “tied” so the courts themselves are a crap shoot. But win, lose or draw, you still want to stay in there trying to protect your child the best you can.
I am sure some of the parents will chime in and give you some good advice and support.
I am the child OF a psycho pathl,, and the PARENT OF ONE, there is unfortunately some genetic components to the disorder, but that doesn’t mean your child has to turn out a P either. Parenting is very important to the nurture and maturation of the child into someone with a working conscience. Good luck and God bless. Stick around and LEARN, read and read and read. The more we know the better we can do. KNOWLEDGE=POWER!