UPDATED FOR 2024. Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call “Penny.” She’s been in a custody battle with the father of her child, who she believes is a sociopath. Although Penny has been able to gain full physical and legal custody of the child, and has a restraining order against the father, he still has visitation so Penny must deal with child exchanges. She’s provided the following tips for others who are in similar situations.
1. Stay strong in God!
I know that this is difficult at times because I myself have been tried so much. Go to church regularly and tell the pastor(s) and counselors at your church what you are dealing with and ask them and the congregation to pray for you. Pray and read your Bible. If you are not religious you might want to try this out anyway or meditate to bring peace to your soul. It is absolutely necessary that you find some peace in a situation that is utter chaos and dysfunction.
2. Do not take their bait!
I have read on several websites (including this one), and books like The Sociopath Next Door, by Dr. Martha Stout, and also Without Conscience, by Dr. Robert Hare, that stress this very point. I found this out the hard way and have learned from experience that this only adds to the problem because the sociopath is often trying to get a reaction out of you. Reacting or retaliating against the sociopath only fuels the fire. Although it might sound cliche, one can only truly and successfully fight evil with goodness, especially in this case.
3. Document everything!
Sociopaths (as my ex is) are pathological liars and are bound to contradict themselves in their stories. Thorough logs of all events with the sociopath and also supporting documents such as emails, police documents, medical records, court documents, etc., can all be of help when dealing with a sociopath in a situation such as this.
Read more: Sociopaths and family
When the time is right (sometimes its smart to let time go by so that the sociopath can implicate, perjure, and hang him/herself some more) you might decide to file the appropriate paperwork in court (i.e. Order to Show Cause for custody and visitation, declarations, motions for contempt of court, etc.) and attach the documents that you have been logging and saving as exhibits/evidence to your court papers (you can ask an attorney, paralegal, or family law self help center or other similar groups how to do this).
If you have the financial resources, you might want to consider a deposition as another opportunity to let the animal perjure him/herself some more.
4. Request explicit court orders!
I have found through personal experience that sociopaths will exploit and take advantage of any ambiguity or vagueness in court orders to create complete and utter chaos. You must push for detailed court orders when you go to court to prevent this from happening.
5. If possible, ask the court to arrange exchanges at local police departments!
Doing this eliminates the opportunity of having to interact with the sociopath at your home or his/her home as well as other places that are easy for chaos to occur. Arrive at the exchange early and let the officers know that you are there for a child exchange (make sure you always have the court orders with you so that the police can see it if need be) and you can ask the desk officers if they can monitor the exchange.
6. Have people other than you that you trust and are good people to do the exchange of your child(ren) if possible!
Making yourself as invisible as possible might increase the chances of cutting the sociopath out of your life since he or she will no longer be able to see you sweat. Remember to always stay calm and collected when the sociopath tries to anger you (you can cry and vent in private) even and especially in court.
7. Be cautious in stating that your ex is a sociopath!
Many people, including the courts, child welfare organizations, lawyers, etc., are not familiar with this devastating disorder and as a result do not know how to respond properly to the warning signs (as many of us did not know how to until we were caught in a complex web of deception). Therefore, focus on proving the behavior of the sociopath in court using the strategies I suggested earlier and do not accuse your ex of being a sociopath in court. They will not take this seriously since you are probably not a professional licensed to make such a diagnosis.
8. Push for communication between you and the ex to be through email only when you go to court!
Communication using this vehicle of communication helps to eliminate the possibility of he said/she said. Websites such as www.ourfamilywizard.com are excellent because they provide an opportunity for you to communicate with your ex via email and all the communication is safe and secure and can easily be printed out (all emails also include the date and exact time the emails were sent and viewed by the other party and also include the time any printed emails are generated).
Also, the website allows you to input your parenting schedules, input medical information for the child, and offers a journal, free children’s accounts to the child(ren) involved and can also offer professional accounts for minor’s counsel and possible others to oversee the account and monitor what is going on.
9. Push the court for permission to video or tape record exchanges and make sure this is written in the court order!
Doing this helps to eliminate any possibility for potential chaos.
10. Get all information straight from the source!
Do not rely on any information the sociopath provides you. Always verify all information concerning the child or children with their doctors, teachers, counselors, etc. If possible have the child(ren’s) doctors, teachers, counselors, etc. document all information they give you.
11. Do not cut the sociopath any slack!
Record and document any and all violations of court orders. Recording these violations may be helpful when you go to court.
12. Hire an experienced competent attorney, and if possible one that has experience in dealing with sociopaths or other similar personality disorders!
Child custody cases involving sociopaths are complicated and need the skill, experience, and know-how of a professional.
13. Trust your gut!
Oftentimes, we doubt our intuitions when we shouldn’t. In my personal experience I found that there were warning signs but I did not respond to them as I should have because I took the signs lightly.
Likewise, when I was drawn into my ex’s net of deception and chaos, I knew something was wrong, and attempted to explain what I believed was wrong with my ex to my previous attorney, but the attorney did not understand and discouraged me from engrossing myself in research. She stated that doing so could help me to become emotionally and mentally unstable (the attorney did not have experience in dealing with such complex personalities and so did not know how to properly respond to my ex’s actions).
I later decided to trust my gut and continued with my research. Through research, trial and error, I have learned how to better deal with my ex and I do not respond to his baits (my ex has accused me of being a sociopath and has falsely accused me of harassing him).
14. Take care of yourself!
Living well is truly the best revenge. As difficult as it may be, try not to let the sociopath make you a bitter, angry, mean person. Remember the ultimate goal of the sociopath is to frustrate you.
Enjoy your child(ren) while they are with you and let them know that you love them. Listen to them and model what real love looks like while they are in your care. Let them see you in loving relationships with other people.
Criticize their actions and not them in private and DO NOT talk badly about the other parent in their presence (this can give the other parent an opportunity to bring parental alienation charges against you); instead you can let them know that actions like the ones their parents are exhibiting are wrong and hurtful to others and that this behavior is undesirable.
Also, don’t forget to eat (like I have in the past), exercise, sleep, and laugh! Do not under any circumstances allow the sociopath to rob you of your ability to laugh.
Learn more: Proving parental alienation in court
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Dec. 21, 2009.
5 warning signs that your online love is a scammer
UPDATE:
CALLING ALL LOVEFRAUD READERS AND BLOGGERS-
Since last posting my comments on here, I have faced some difficult challenges in coparenting with my ex. These challenges involved severe manipulation, as well as twising of facts and continued lying in order to build a false case against me. Because of this, the courd ordered a child custody evaluation.
I am happy to report that the child custody evaluation and report exposed my ex for who he is and also exhonorated the numerous and ridiculous false allegations my ex made against me. I just wanted to share my good news with you all because it feels soooo good to finally have the court and others to get a pretty complete picture of the type of dysfunctional personality I have been dealing with for a while! I am so happy for my child. The evaluator recommended 2 hrs. of montiored visitation for my ex with our child a few times a month and also recommended that my ex complete about a year and a half of anger management classes (turns out that my ex’s background report revealed that he had a somewhat extensive criminal background–not suprisingly for assault of all things, my ex has been incarcerated in the past for this offense), parenting classes, and also that I maintain sole legal and physical custody of our child.
I am going back to court in the very near future and ask that you all pray for me and my child as I head to court so that the Judge will render an order that is in the best interest of my child. For those who do not believe in prayer, I ask for all well wishes. I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate what you have done in creating such a website. This website, my faith in God, and my loved ones have given me strength throughout this most difficult time in my life. Thank you. This website is truly a place of healing for those who have had the unfortunate experience of dealing with such dysfunctional, disordered, and distructive personalities.
P.S. On to Plan B- Getting the court to issue psychological testing for the ex. Again, I request all you lovefraud readers and bloggers to send your prayers and well wishes for my child and I as I move on with my next strategy. I have strong faith and I believe that God will make a way for my family. I also believe in positive energy, because of this, I’m asking for all of your well wishes. For those of us in the struggle, please continue to hang in there and be STRONG for our children.
Dear Penny,
Congratulations!!!! Glad that things have worked out so well so far for you! I know it has been a tough road to walk/crawl in trying to protect your child. (you might want to read the recent article about the mother’s vigil in Washington DC and contact this group about some literature that you might use in your case they are a great group and have many members who have LOST their children to STUPID court orders, the kids gone or dead. They will maybe be able to give you some support or ideas to help you.
You will of course be in my prayers! and I know everyone here at LF is behind you 110%! I can definitely say that with confidence! I hope that your X’s criminal conviction for violence and continued crap will influence the judge to realize that your child deserves some RIGHTS and the right to be away from such a person is one of those RIGHTS.
There are also several articles here, one about Dr. Amy Castillo and baby Gabriel Johnson that are about children lost to viiolent psychopathic parents. You might want to print those off and see if there is anything in there that might be of use to you. Good luck and God bless. Please keep us posted on how things turn out for you. It is very affirming to us all to hear GOOD RESULTS from bloggers here rather than just wondering “whatever happened to Susie?” (((Hugs)))) and prayers!
Thank you for the update, Penny.
Your story is inspirational to some of the rest of us who are struggling with our own family situations.
I will keep you and your child in my prayers.
Happy Mother’s Day to you, Penny.
Penny:
Kudos to you!!! I know your tenacity, perseverence, research, time, strength, support, money and love for your child has led you down this path to protection!!!
GOOD GOING GIRL!!!
It’s NEVER easy, and you never gave up!!!
Keep doing what you need to do and never lose sight of your goal.
I’m sending you some EB Mojo…..to walk with you down this path……when you feel weak…..pull on your MOJO!!!!
Congratulations…..I know the feeling of relief and the exposure you have conquored!!!
Thanks for checking back in and letting us know of your accomplishments…..it’s empowering to others to read positive results with all the negativity we endure!!!
YIPPPEEEEE!!!
XXOO
EB
Dear OxDrover, Rosa, and ErinBrock,
Thank you for all your well wishes! I will continue to keep you all in my prayers. I am always reading the new lovefraud articles that Donna sends in order to arm myself with knowledge in how to best deal with such a destructive personality. OxDrover, I have not checked out the mother’s group you speak about, but I definetly will soon.
Banana-
First off, I think that this website is a good place to start in educating yourself on how to deal with such disordered individuals. It is absolutely necessary that you read, read, read about these people as much as you can so that you can arm yourself with the proper knowledge. I would suggest reading The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout Phd, Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare, and How to Win Your Child Custody Battle (although, I have not read this book, I plan on reading it soon as I have heard that it provides readers with excellent information regarding how to successfully deal with the courts and child custody battles). I believe that this website has a section for book recommendations as well.
I am in CA. Here there are 2 types of child custody evaluations-they are (1) the fast track evaluation (this is less extensive and thorough than a full evaluation and (2) a full evaluation (there are also solution focused evaluations-, but I don’t know much about this). I went through a full evaluation, so I am better able to talk about what that involves (you can also google child custody evaluations so that you can find out what is more specific and relevant in your area).
The purpose of the evaluation is to have someone knowledgable about children, families, and divorce provide the court and any attorney’s involved with a report (usually written) containing objective info and recommendations to assist the court and parties in reaching a solution that best serves the interests of minor children in highly contested custody matters. Evaluations can be ordered by a Judge, stipulated in an agreement between the litigating parties, or requested of the court by any of the litigating parties or their attorneys. Evaluators are usually L.C.S.Ws, MFTs, or clinical Psychologists who have years of postgraduate experience in working with families and children. Evaluations can be quite expensive unless the court determines that it is best to reduce or waive fees given the parties financial situations. A full evaluation can take anywhere from a couple of weeks to a number of months depending on the thoroughness and approah of the evaluator
to complete. The evaluator can be a private evaluator (which is more expensive and considered to be better by some) or a county evaluator who works with the courts.
Evaluations generally follow the following pattern in terms of steps taken to get info:
1. Interviews with both parents which can be conjoint or separate in cases of domestic violence or in other instances in which it would be inappropriate
2. Observation of the children with each of the parents in each parent’s home as well as age-appropriate interviews with the childeren (if the children are old enough to speak), and other members of the household living with the children.
3. Review of all collateral info such as school reports, medical records, police reports, criminal and DMV checks, info from therapists, child care providers, etc.
4. Interviews with other signicant people in the children’s lives
5. Psychological Testing of the parents and/or children (this is not always done) to find potential psychological issues that would take away from a parent’s ability to effectively parent the children.
The evaluator can be called into court or a deposition as an expert witness if you request this and pay the fee they charge for this sevice.
If you have the financial means, maybe you might want to consider hiring a private investigator.
Hope this helps. Happy Mother’s Day everyone!
Banana-
One more thing. I know exactly of the evasiveness you speak of when it comes to not being provided info regarding the care of your children. This is why I suggest communication through OurFamilyWizard email because if you ask for this info in an email and he refuses to provide you with the information, you can easily print out the email and present it to the court as evidence. Also, if he lies and says that he did not get the email and he did, you’ll have excellent proof of the extent to which he plays games because OurFamilyWizard stamps emails with the date and time that it was sent, who sent it, as well as the date and time it was viewed. The website also stamps whether or not the email was not viewed, so if you sent an email and your ex did not view it or refused to view it, you can present this to the court as well (in this day and age, even if for some reason your ex does not have access to a computer, he can always use a public computer).
Also, I would suggest maybe giving up the fight for child support if you are also fighting for child support. I honestly just don’t think it’s worth it. If it is at all possible, maybe you could consider getting a 2cnd job or doing something else that would allow you more income to take care of your kids. Maybe dropping the fight for child support might give the ex an incentive to walk away and allow you and your children to live in peace or perhaps minimize the time that he is willing to spend with the kids.
Best Wishes
Good advice Penny! I think from all I’lve read that Banana’s X is using the child as a hook to mess with her head more than anything else, but sometimes the dropping child support will work. Anything that keeps the P away from the kids is a good thing! Glad to see you back here BTW! (((hugs))))
UPDATE:
CALLING ALL LOVEFRAUD READERS AND BLOGGERS-
Since I last posted my comments on here, I have faced some minor challenges in the custody battle with my ex. Not suprisingly my ex and his attorney attempted to challenge the recommendations and requests made by the evaluator. This “challenge” came in the form of a request to go to trial however when the trial date approached, my attorney and his ex were not prepared for the trail (more games and stall tactics courtesy of my ex).
I am happy to report that the court has since adopted all of the recommendations made by the evaluator and my ex now has monitored visitation with our child and must complete a number of anger management and parenting classes. My ex’s attorney has since quit the case and he is now a Pro Per litigant. The court did grant my ex’s request to continue the trial date and we are due back in court sometime in the near future (don’t want to be too specific because you never know who may be viewing this). Once again, I ask that you all pray for me and my child as I head to court so that the Judge will maintain the orders previously made as they are in the best interest of my child. For those who do not believe in prayer, I ask for all well wishes. I just wanted to let you all know again that I really appreciate what you have done in creating such a website. This is truly a place of healing. I also ask that you all send prayers of protection and well wishes for my child and I (as well as my other loved ones) because my ex is furious as I’m sure you all can imagine (the ex is furious at losing, not furious of losing time with our child). He had to be detained by numerous sheriffs at our last court date while my attorney and I had to take a separate exit to ensure our safety (we had to be escorted by a sheriff as we exited the building).
I’m also hoping that my story will serve as an inspiration to those of us in the struggle. There have been so many times in the past when I felt like giving up and walking away from this all. So many times, I’ve contemplated giving up my parental rights and walking away from all the madness I’ve dealt with for years, but I couldn’t. I love my child too much and I know that my child is innocent. My child did not get the opportunity to pick his parent, I did (although I did not know what I was dealing with at the time). My child did not ask to be born of a monster. I knew that I had to be an advocate for my child in the dysfunctional arena that we call “family court”. I knew that I was the only chance my child had. My child and I have been going through utter HELL for years, but my faith in GOD sustained me at times when my strength was gone and I felt like falling. I believe that it is by the grace of GOD that my child and I are in the position that we are in today. GOD instilled in me a strength and determination in me that I never knew I had. I also believe that my faith in GOD has enabled my loved ones to stick by me and continue to show love and support for my child and I at a time when it would have been so easy for them to abandon us both (the ex tried to do everything in his power to isolate me from my loved ones, but his efforts failed).
Again, I hope my story will serve as an inspiration for those of us in the struggle. Please continue to hang in there and be STRONG for our children. Our children deserve a voice. Our children deserve our genuine love and a chance at a normal life. ((((((((HUGS)))))))))
PENNY:
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!
Keep doing what your doing and protect your baby.
They DO expose themselves eventually……
Your story was like so many……spaths attorney quits….they take it on Pro se……hire another attorney….quits…
Because they are NOT able to be honest with anyone….once an attorney see’s they are being bamboozled….they are outofthere.
It’s a long arduous haul…..and I know your in it for the long run….hopefully, he’ll disappear and leave you in some peace with your child.
I feel your relief…..and I understand your anxiety over the next step….
I think your gonna do fine!!!
Sending you some EB MOJO girl!!!
XXOO
EB
Dearest Penny,
Thank you so much – I needed inspiration and you delivered. Just last night I was ready to throw in the towel, this morning is a new day and as you say these children deserve a voice and they must be heard.
My situation is slightly different – the child my grandson. We have given genuine love and a chance for a normal life – his mother has shown nothing but neglect, abuse and chaos. As badly as his mother has treated him, the family court system has treated him even worse. The fight must go on, the child must be saved.
I am happy for you, keep praying.
MiLo