UPDATED FOR 2024. Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call “Penny.” She’s been in a custody battle with the father of her child, who she believes is a sociopath. Although Penny has been able to gain full physical and legal custody of the child, and has a restraining order against the father, he still has visitation so Penny must deal with child exchanges. She’s provided the following tips for others who are in similar situations.
1. Stay strong in God!
I know that this is difficult at times because I myself have been tried so much. Go to church regularly and tell the pastor(s) and counselors at your church what you are dealing with and ask them and the congregation to pray for you. Pray and read your Bible. If you are not religious you might want to try this out anyway or meditate to bring peace to your soul. It is absolutely necessary that you find some peace in a situation that is utter chaos and dysfunction.
2. Do not take their bait!
I have read on several websites (including this one), and books like The Sociopath Next Door, by Dr. Martha Stout, and also Without Conscience, by Dr. Robert Hare, that stress this very point. I found this out the hard way and have learned from experience that this only adds to the problem because the sociopath is often trying to get a reaction out of you. Reacting or retaliating against the sociopath only fuels the fire. Although it might sound cliche, one can only truly and successfully fight evil with goodness, especially in this case.
3. Document everything!
Sociopaths (as my ex is) are pathological liars and are bound to contradict themselves in their stories. Thorough logs of all events with the sociopath and also supporting documents such as emails, police documents, medical records, court documents, etc., can all be of help when dealing with a sociopath in a situation such as this.
Read more: Sociopaths and family
When the time is right (sometimes its smart to let time go by so that the sociopath can implicate, perjure, and hang him/herself some more) you might decide to file the appropriate paperwork in court (i.e. Order to Show Cause for custody and visitation, declarations, motions for contempt of court, etc.) and attach the documents that you have been logging and saving as exhibits/evidence to your court papers (you can ask an attorney, paralegal, or family law self help center or other similar groups how to do this).
If you have the financial resources, you might want to consider a deposition as another opportunity to let the animal perjure him/herself some more.
4. Request explicit court orders!
I have found through personal experience that sociopaths will exploit and take advantage of any ambiguity or vagueness in court orders to create complete and utter chaos. You must push for detailed court orders when you go to court to prevent this from happening.
5. If possible, ask the court to arrange exchanges at local police departments!
Doing this eliminates the opportunity of having to interact with the sociopath at your home or his/her home as well as other places that are easy for chaos to occur. Arrive at the exchange early and let the officers know that you are there for a child exchange (make sure you always have the court orders with you so that the police can see it if need be) and you can ask the desk officers if they can monitor the exchange.
6. Have people other than you that you trust and are good people to do the exchange of your child(ren) if possible!
Making yourself as invisible as possible might increase the chances of cutting the sociopath out of your life since he or she will no longer be able to see you sweat. Remember to always stay calm and collected when the sociopath tries to anger you (you can cry and vent in private) even and especially in court.
7. Be cautious in stating that your ex is a sociopath!
Many people, including the courts, child welfare organizations, lawyers, etc., are not familiar with this devastating disorder and as a result do not know how to respond properly to the warning signs (as many of us did not know how to until we were caught in a complex web of deception). Therefore, focus on proving the behavior of the sociopath in court using the strategies I suggested earlier and do not accuse your ex of being a sociopath in court. They will not take this seriously since you are probably not a professional licensed to make such a diagnosis.
8. Push for communication between you and the ex to be through email only when you go to court!
Communication using this vehicle of communication helps to eliminate the possibility of he said/she said. Websites such as www.ourfamilywizard.com are excellent because they provide an opportunity for you to communicate with your ex via email and all the communication is safe and secure and can easily be printed out (all emails also include the date and exact time the emails were sent and viewed by the other party and also include the time any printed emails are generated).
Also, the website allows you to input your parenting schedules, input medical information for the child, and offers a journal, free children’s accounts to the child(ren) involved and can also offer professional accounts for minor’s counsel and possible others to oversee the account and monitor what is going on.
9. Push the court for permission to video or tape record exchanges and make sure this is written in the court order!
Doing this helps to eliminate any possibility for potential chaos.
10. Get all information straight from the source!
Do not rely on any information the sociopath provides you. Always verify all information concerning the child or children with their doctors, teachers, counselors, etc. If possible have the child(ren’s) doctors, teachers, counselors, etc. document all information they give you.
11. Do not cut the sociopath any slack!
Record and document any and all violations of court orders. Recording these violations may be helpful when you go to court.
12. Hire an experienced competent attorney, and if possible one that has experience in dealing with sociopaths or other similar personality disorders!
Child custody cases involving sociopaths are complicated and need the skill, experience, and know-how of a professional.
13. Trust your gut!
Oftentimes, we doubt our intuitions when we shouldn’t. In my personal experience I found that there were warning signs but I did not respond to them as I should have because I took the signs lightly.
Likewise, when I was drawn into my ex’s net of deception and chaos, I knew something was wrong, and attempted to explain what I believed was wrong with my ex to my previous attorney, but the attorney did not understand and discouraged me from engrossing myself in research. She stated that doing so could help me to become emotionally and mentally unstable (the attorney did not have experience in dealing with such complex personalities and so did not know how to properly respond to my ex’s actions).
I later decided to trust my gut and continued with my research. Through research, trial and error, I have learned how to better deal with my ex and I do not respond to his baits (my ex has accused me of being a sociopath and has falsely accused me of harassing him).
14. Take care of yourself!
Living well is truly the best revenge. As difficult as it may be, try not to let the sociopath make you a bitter, angry, mean person. Remember the ultimate goal of the sociopath is to frustrate you.
Enjoy your child(ren) while they are with you and let them know that you love them. Listen to them and model what real love looks like while they are in your care. Let them see you in loving relationships with other people.
Criticize their actions and not them in private and DO NOT talk badly about the other parent in their presence (this can give the other parent an opportunity to bring parental alienation charges against you); instead you can let them know that actions like the ones their parents are exhibiting are wrong and hurtful to others and that this behavior is undesirable.
Also, don’t forget to eat (like I have in the past), exercise, sleep, and laugh! Do not under any circumstances allow the sociopath to rob you of your ability to laugh.
Learn more: Proving parental alienation in court
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Dec. 21, 2009.
5 warning signs that your online love is a scammer
To me, tough love is teaching the truth – at any age. I do not lose any sleep over the fact that my father did not want the pregnancy and insisted on abortion. I do not lose any sleep over the fact that he abandoned me because I was coached to say things to him that were hurtful and TRUE. When I lie in bed, I care not about what I suffered (or, what he thinks he suffered) but that my mother protected me as I must protect my child.
Thumbs up on your other suggestions, though: and I Hear you about the coaching. Hope, I did not hurt my case by pushing it.
If I hurt my case, what can I / should I do now? Ugh, This is just impossible!!
I so feel for you, GettingIt. It’s as if the courts and even society force us to abandon our natural feelings of protectiveness for our children because we happened to be conned by these monsters. Play the game… be good… ignore that your child will probably be just as traumatized by them as we were. IMHO, our society is sooo screwed up. You look at how indigenous tribes deal with people like this, and it makes you long for tribal justice! A liar, cheater, and thief is made an example of, not protected. I just hate that we have to play this kind of Russian Roullette with our children…. the only consolation is the HOPE that they will witness the abuse and attribute their suffering to the spaths, not themselves. How is this protecting the children???
I’m sorry we’re all going through this. Look at how accountable society holds people who have substance abuse problems compared to being a spath! They get away with murder, and no one will hold them accountable…. even their victims.
Is Penny still around? Anyway, if she isn’t, could the usual veterans give me any suggestions based on their experiences?
Although my ex and I separated 6 months ago, and have completed property settlement, we still have kids issues. My DV outreach worker suggested not to take court action and let him do it, because without court orders I am in control of the kids and don’t have to hand him over any more than I need to.
Currently, the younger two (8 and 4) see him every other weekend and a few hours in between. The older ones don’t want to see him. He is not happy with it, and his lawyer for property settlement indicated to me that she would be happy to fight for more custody in court, in spite of the fact that he has a criminal record of aggravated assault against our 14 yo son (last year). If he decided to pursue court action, I would have to self-represent as I have no more savings because of the property settlement.
In this country, before you can go to court, you have to go through mediation. I tried with 2 big centers and they both gave me exemption certificates, which are given if there is family violence, child abuse or inequality in power. Now he has contacted another one, and I have an intake session. I just don’t know whether to reveal in the intake session about him being a sociopath, or a perpetrator of domestic violence, or even an abuser, because if they deem it unsuitable, then there is no other avenue but to go to court and I can’t afford to.
Not-too-late,
Yes, I’m still around. I drop in on the website every now and again (sometimes, I find it kind of painful to come on here because it reminds me of all of the crazy things my child and I have experienced at the hands of the crazy ex). I do not have time to offer advice right this moment as I’m at work, but I promise you that I’ll offer some advice to you later today after I’ve had time to better read through your questions/issues. Hang in there.
Penny
Dear Not too late and Getting It,
Hello! Hope things are getting better in your situations. I’ve taken time to read through your issues and I must say that I really think that ErinBrok gave you (Getting It) some very good advice although I understand your disagreements with some of her advice in particular encouraging your children to see someone (even if this someone is their “father”) that you know is so dangerous. I definitely understand where you are coming from with that. Perhaps you might try an indifferent neutral approach to your child visiting with the ex. You don’t want others to believe that you might be discouraging your children from seeing the ex. If they do the ex wins and your kids lose. Abstain as much as possible from talking about the ex with and or around your children unless it is absolutely necessary; and when it is necessary try to do so in a manner that is not harsh but rather as emotionally neutral as possible.
As far as you fearing if you might have hurt your case, my suggestion to you is that you just try your best to move on from that experience and learn something from it. Believe me, I’ve been there. I know what it feels like to feel like you have made the wrong decisions regarding your child in front of the “important people” who have been assigned to “protect” the “best interests” of the children. Now, my child’s father has monitored visits with our child and has not even bothered to exercise any of his monitored visits since our custody evaluation for over half a year ago.
In regards to your meeting with the mediator (Not too Late), I would avoid using the word sociopath especially if you are not a licensed mental health professional. Instead highlight the aberrant behavior patterns your ex continues to exhibit with supporting documentation and discuss how this behavior has a negative impact on your children’s emotional, psychological, and physical well being. I think you should mention that your ex is a perpetrator of domestic violence and an abuser. In suggesting this, I can honestly say that I would not be surprised if doing so will result in you going back to court with your ex. It may also result in Child Protective Services and or Department of Children and Family Services getting involved in your situation therefore, you must continue to keep very good and thorough documentation of everything that has occurred in your situation. I don’t know what country you live in, but in the United States where I live, the family courts try to keep the family together. If the courts in your country work anything like the courts in mine, you will need very strong and convincing evidence to show that your children would benefit from having less exposure to their unhealthy parent. You might want to consider looking into paralegal groups that can help you file the appropriate paperwork and evidence to help your case. You may also consider looking into legal firms that operate on a sliding scale fee and also paralegal volunteers, lawyers, and law students who volunteer at a local clinic that provides free assistance in preparing and filing the appropriate paperwork with the courts (in my area this is called a “self help center” and the center does NOT provide legal advice however, they help you to help yourself by giving you information and helping you to file the appropriate paperwork-this service helps low income individuals). Also, I suggest you educate yourself on family law in your area in your local law library. Read, read, read as much as you can about everything-sociopathy and co parenting with a sociopath, custody evaluations and what to do and what not to do in such evaluations, psychological evaluations and what to say and what not to say during these evaluations, minor’s counsel and how to deal with them, what to say and what not to say in the family court arena, etc. You can’t successfully fight something you don’t know, so knowledge is truly power in this case.
Let your ex expose himself. The more you react to his craziness, the more others will think that the both of you are crazy unfit parents. This is what I have found from my experience. I also believe from my experience, that these monsters allow their masks to slip off in the midst of the drama that they have created and that others begin to see for themselves that perhaps something (I don’t think most people know what this something is) is not quite right with the individual. Let your ex hang himself. If you give him enough rope he will.
Make sure you get as much rest as you can, eat right, and exercise if you can. Surround yourself with loved ones for emotional support and consider finding an avenue for spiritual support and encouragement. I truly believe that my child and I are where we are today because of the favor of God, emotional and financial support from my loved ones, financial sacrifice, my fierce determination to protect my child, and the love I have for my child (which I know you have as well).
Like ErinBrok said, you CAN do this!!!
Know that you have the love and support of myself and everyone here on LF!!!
God bless you and your children!
((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
What a nightmare. Tried mediation today per my stupid parenting plan to try and convince the ex to let me pick up our son from school on his days when he’s working (I’m 4 blocks away) rather than continue to hire someone, forcing my 5 year old to take the bus to a stranger’s house where all he does is watch t.v. Son HATES this arrangement, and begged me to pick him up instead, so I had to give it a shot. Of course I could have predicted the outcome. He plays the victim who doesn’t want to be subjected to *my* abuse by picking him up in front of my house. I assured the mediator that I wanted nothing to do with this guy, and all he had to do was honk and I would send my son out. No way. He would not budge UNLESS I agreed to a different work schedule in the summer so I would have him during the days and work evenings and he would have him every night. Well I’m no lawyer, but I’m pretty sure that child support is based on overnights. I would lose my child support. He must think I’m an idiot.
So the mediator said that 50/50 was totally inappropriate for cases of domestic violence, and said there was pretty much no hope for mediation in the future unless we could learn to “cooperate” and “respect” each other. He suggested counseling. I’ve been down that road, and it ended up being just another venue for him to manipulate someone into thinking he’s some kind of great father while I’m “unstable”. I ended up being the one capitulating and apologizing for all sorts of wrongdoings, while secretly he was engaging in affairs with other women and didn’t bother to bring THAT up in our sessions.
Is it possible to find a counselor who *gets* sociopathy and can really help? I am doubtful, of course, but maybe it’s worked for someone out there. Otherwise, it’s going to be a decade + of this hellish co-parenting, which is really going to negatively affect my son. He’s asking me more and more why mama and papa don’t talk to each other, and I’m not supposed to bad-mouth him or get him involved in these adult dynamics. Very difficult times for this mama. I don’t think I’ll ever really be free.
Dear Freemama,
I am so sorry for your experience. Have you tried a child custody evaluation? If not, maybe this is something you might consider, but before you do, you need to be prepared for the evaluation. You must be able to express your concerns about the other parent without coming off as badmouthing them. You MUST also have supporting documentation. You can feel free to view the comment I made on Friday May 7, 2010 for more information on child custody evaluations.
Meanwhile hang in there and gather all the support that you can . Know that you have my love and support and the love and support of others on LF. Were all rooting for you!
((((((((HUGS)))))))))
Penny
Penny, thank you for your wonderful advice and comments to these mothers. (((hugs))))
Thanks, Penny. Sadly, after $15,000, I could not afford to fight him anymore. We did have an evaluation, and of course he bewitched her with his sincerity (gag!!!), and because I tried to protect myself with 2 restraining orders in the past, I was viewed as the hysterical and vindictive ex. We were not supposed to have mediation, but the judge insisted. Because he never hit me (just took me for all I had), the mediator insisted that what happened to me was not”abuse” in the eyes of the court. It was the choice of spending $10,000 and probably not win, or just give up. He was just too convincing. I had loads of proof, even a written admission from him from the 5 minutes he felt remorse, but it wasn’t enough. If only he’d have hit me!!! That’s what really determines how the victims are treated. Most of the women in my DV group got total protection because of that one factor. I’m so glad to hear when mothers win, but it’s always so bittersweet when I look at how differently mine turned out. He threatened it constantly. I guess it should be some kind of credit to me that I managed to talk him out of it, but oddly I kind of regret that I did. What a world.