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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Trail of Water, Tears and Betrayal

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who writes as “Esther.”

I am watching with horror as I see the devastation of Hurricane Sandy. The water and photos of devastation bring back memories for me of my experiences in South Florida—three hurricanes back to back destroyed my home. I was married to the sociopath at that time. He enjoyed the attention and the chaos. I was devastated and overwhelmed. The insurance adjusters, claims, trying to get tarps to protect the home from further rain and damage, the ceiling collapsing and the black mold that began to appear on the walls after the power was restored. Contractors could not be found, and the predators looking for work all came to Florida.

Meanwhile I discovered that I was facing a true predator. My ex took insurance funds that were made payable to me, him and the mortgage holder. These insurance funds were to be kept by the mortgage holder, Merrill Lynch. I say were, because my ex’s brother worked at Merrill Lynch and he released the funds solely to my ex. My ex claimed he paid the contractor to repair our home. The contractor disappeared. My ex did not seem concerned and tried to get me to sell inherited property to replace the funds.

Betrayal

I felt the physical pain of betrayal, as he ran off with the young flight attendant and the wealthy girlfriend that he had met on one of his trips. I was left with a home that had been torn apart, no money, no insurance funds and a broken heart. Insurance companies, banks and a legal system blamed me; ignoring the crimes they committed.

What I now know is that this was all a plan, my ex could care less about the property and he probably made a deal with the contractor to split the insurance funds. I also discovered that my ex and his brother had removed me from the mortgage so they could steal more insurance funds.

This flood of cash that my ex could manipulate moved him to greater motivation to injure me psychologically. He had begun his emotional abuse. I could never do anything right. I was too angry, etc. He then began to be physical. It started with pushing, pulling my hair. It all was my fault; he felt that I needed to be on medication. He then produced a post nuptial that he insisted I sign. It had a clause that the marriage was in trouble and that if in 5 years we had resolved the marital differences, the post nuptial would be void.

When I refused to sign, he told me that I only cared about the money. He had cancelled all credit cards, denied access to bank funds and began to become dangerously physical. I had nowhere to go, no home and I didn’t know what to do. He charmed the insurance agents and told them he was the mortgage holder. Even though their paperwork had my name on it, they were sucked in by his charm and wrote additional checks only to him.

Family Court

My father feared for my life and he paid an attorney a retainer fee. The real rape began for me in Family Court. I slept on couches, in my office and cried nightly. I felt safer with my ex than I did with the attorneys and judges who only wanted a pay check. The legal experience was another serious violation. These legal predators sensed my vulnerability and preyed on me.

I suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I knew the symptoms of PTSD, what I didn’t understand was the numbing effects and the effect on my cognitive functioning. This is why survivors are more vulnerable to predators after leaving an abusive relationship. It takes time for the brain to heal and we need protection while we heal. I wish I would have had Lovefraud to prepare me to put on a mask and prepare to leave, not leave in desperation. I needed an article to help me understand that my husband was worse than the three hurricanes and that the court personnel would prey on my tragedy.

Disasters such as these are a candy store for an abusive mate, predatory attorneys and contractors. The intense emotions that cripple those of us who have anxiety, inspire and charge the Sociopath. The manipulation games are pleasure for the sociopath. This is an extremely dangerous period for our sisters and brothers who still suffer in these relationships.

How to leave

If you have the fortune to read my words, find a very good counselor who understands your vulnerability. Too many counselors told me, “just leave.” This is dangerous advice and ignorant of the dynamics of domestic violence.

Keep a copy of all records. Know the insurance adjusters and agents. Remove important possessions and photos to a safe storage place. Do not think that if you tell him you want a divorce, he will change. Do not trust that the agents of any agency will follow the law and policy. Reconnect with your families and friends. Ask them to witness the actions of the sociopath. In these relationships we isolate because we are ashamed of the environment in which we are living. Your sociopath will be so charming to the authorities, you will need witnesses.

What I also didn’t know was that I had Federal Protection with the Violence Against Women Act. This act stipulates that the Court and agents of the State of Florida by accepting federal funds were responsible to assist me, to train judges and attorneys to protect me. This system that I turned to for protection also betrayed me.

Learn from my mistakes. I know it hurts. I understand the shame. This will all pass. You will learn and understand that these people are incapable of kindness, compassion and care. It is not your fault. You have been at war and you are injured. I write and explain my story, my denial and ignorance so that you will not suffer and feel alone at the hands of predators like I did. Share with us, you will find some of the most caring people on this site who will mirror your strength. The drywall, the cabinets, the appliances can all be replaced. The scars left by betrayal take longer to heal. The greed that you see in these evil predators may haunt you for a long time.

You are in my prayers. When you are crying and feeling as if your weight is too much, ask God to remove the intense feeling, giving you the wisdom and strength to put one foot in front of the other. In these difficult times may you have trust in the wisdom of the pain and find the lesson for your growth.


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52 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Trail of Water, Tears and Betrayal"

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Beautifully written- “trust in the wisdom of the pain and find the lesson for your growth”

Esther…you may have come for such a time as this.!! I hope to read more posts from you.

Esther, you are right. I wish I could have read something as inspiring and helpful and validating as your article, when I was still married to my spath, or even soon after. Instead I had to puzzle it all out for myself, and it took years. Thank you for writing this. I know it will be helpful to many.

Esther, thank you so much for sharing your terrible experiences. I lost everything and was considering entering into a homeless shelter about 3 months ago.

Yes…..whether they consciously plan these frauds or whether it happens, spontaneously, the devastations are complete. From spiritual to emotional to financial, it’s utter ruin.

Divorce and “Family Courts” are of no help, whatsoever, because most States hold for “No Fault” divorce. This means that, regardless of how a target is set up and destroyed, the Courts are only interested in “equitable distribution” of properties and assets. Well, when someone has been defrauded of their private assets and properties are left to fall into foreclosure, there’s not a lot left to discuss.

It is VERY difficult to “just leave.” Things need to be in order, documents secured, and every financial protection in place. Yes, our hearts are broken and we’re emotionally devastated by the spath discard, but the financial issues heaped on top of the monumental betrayals can be catastrophic.

I was hit by a hurricane, alright. Hurricane Sociopath. Like all survivors of traumatic events, it’s also going to take me the rest of my life to recover.

Thank you SO much for this heartrending article.

Brightest blessings

Yeah, that’s what they are. Hurricanes. The hit your life with a bang and leaves with a bang, and everything you own is in ruins.

Esther,

Thank you for sharing your story and yes, psychopaths are just like hurricanes and tornadoes and earthquakes and wars, they destroy everything in their paths.

I am so sorry that you were hit by the natural and unnatural disasters, but you emerged alive and for that I am grateful, and grateful too that you can share your story with others who are still IN THE EYE OF THE STORMS. It is possible that your words on this blog may reach someone who needs them that moment and will survive because of them. Take heart! Glad you are here and God bless.

Esther,
Your article is an excellent example of the unbelievable play-by-play of the sociopath. Thank you for posting it. I almost think it should be a “sticky” because it is so CLASSIC and at the same time unbelievable yet true.

The unbelievable part is that the spath can control so many minions and dupes. Who could do that? Only someone with the utmost audacity.

When I hear about a spath like that, I can only think that you are lucky to be alive. It would take very little for that spath to decide to off you and then plot to get away with it.

I’m sorry for your pain but so happy that you escaped to tell your story.

Fabulous article. A much needed perspective on yet another facet of Ps.

Thank you for writing it.

Esther,

I was advised to go outside of family court as much as possible.

Insurance companies don’t like paying for repairs when the money is pocketed. It is a crime also. The home is still a risk. So you could go abovve the adjuster and let them know what your husband has done but make sure he doesn’t have you on the hook.

The IRS may be another avenue of exposure of his shananigans.

Our system is getting more sick by the day. I continually see horrible behavior by court officials.

I hope you find your way out and I am sorry you are in this position.

The crooks really seem to be having the edge these days and more and more as I look into it, it’s like they are expanding and growing.

I would think most people have heard of construction companies opening and doing major work then closing their doors. They open up under another name and sell their equipment to the new company for a dollar. This is very similar to the game the non=profits are doing. We must stop it!

Skylar, I thoroughly agree that I’m glad that Esther is among the living to share her experiences! The type of spath that she’s describing sure wouldn’t take much of a shove to take his actions a step further.

I believe that more interest in spaths (as per Sandspathsky?) needs to be generated into a whole-society discussion. From the politicians who sponsor legislative Bills to the case-workers assigned to supervised visitations, this whole discussion needs to cross all spectrums of the professional and legal communities.

I’m in a very bad space, today, and I have no faith in the “legal system,” whatsoever. It’s the most ironic and disturbing facet of the discussion on sociopaths – there is NO accountability or legal consequences for their choices and actions. Victims are blamed and re-victimized. And, the spaths seem to skip away, unscathed, and unaccountable.

I’d like to see some changes, but I’ll see changes right after I pick the winning Lotto numbers.

Brightest blessings

Truth,
you said:
“I’d like to see some changes, but I’ll see changes right after I pick the winning Lotto numbers.”

Ain’t THAT the truth!

Yes, the legal system has no accountability. It is better to get to the vulnerable family members before going to court. The attorneys will rape them. The State Bar systems only protect the bar members. It is a country club for attorneys and politicians who are still attorneys. Some say that there is no separation of powers because attorneys are members of the bar and are elected officials.

Just like a spath, an atty spath recognizes you. The empath, will double think their behaviors, accept unacceptable behaviors, trust have faith that the profession is regulated.

We have a lot of teaching to do. The vulnerable are the playground for the spaths. Keep writing and helping each other.

In my state, I am challenging the organizations that are educating the judges. The Violence Against Women Act provides grant training to educate the judges. These organizations are making the training voluntary. I’m sorry but this is wrong. Why would a family court judge not be required to take specific training on Domestic Violence???? Then be tested on what he has learned. This would change how they rule from the bench. Also in the VAWA, if you read it, you will see how much protection we have. When your family court does not allow you the protection, they have violated your civil rights.

The VAWA, mentions financial abuse, emotional abuse, etc. But the state training for judges and court personnel, only teaches battery as domestic violence. I feel that this is the crime, they are accepting Federal funds and not using them appropriately. They are simply creating jobs for more attorneys, using funds meant for the vulnerable.

Truthspeak,

You are absolutely right that the spath is like a hurricane. You think oh, I can handle this. They seem so helpful and when your guard is down, they destroy you.

Thank you for that simple analogy.

Eralyn,

You mentioning the “non-profits” made my ears perk up….I no longer donate funds to the Red Cross and other large non profits because of the huge salaries and perks that they pay their execs.

Ditto large churches.

I give money to the Salvation Army which pays their execs reasonable wages but not huge mega bucks, and spends the biggest portion of the donations helping people in need in the trenches. Or I give money or goods directly to those in need so that the limited amount of money I have to donate does some GOOD and doesn’t help fund some CEO’s private jet.

Having been scammed for a bit of money recently I know that I can be “had” just like anyone else but I am careful were I donate.

It breaks my heart that so many people donate to scam artists and other crooks….I see them on TV begging all the time for money for starving children etc. playing the “pity ploy” to break people’s hearts.

There are large nationally known “animal protection” groups that are just as bad in begging people to send money to “save starving” critters. So if you want to help out kitty and puppy, donate to your local shelter.

When we had a tornado sweep through here a few years ago, I didn’t have much money to donate but I did know where to buy things cheaply that were what people would need….the local auction and for less than $100 I bought thousands of dollars worth of items that people would need whose homes had been destroyed down to the foundation. I had several truck loads of things to take to the community building for the families in need.

The lady that was running the collection was amazed at what I brought in and I’ve worked in the collections for tornado victims before and some people bring in dirty, torn clothes and stuff that is unusable and takes up the time of the workers to discard and sort. So I knew what kind of things to buy.

Every year I buy tons of Christmas gifts for an orphanage in our town for just a few bucks….new items for a wide variety of kids in sizes and ages and only spend a few dollars. So I make my donation count. Once I bought a huge crate of name brand toothpaste for the orphanage and they were THRILLED. I think I only paid $3-4.

Right now I am getting around on a nice rolling 3-wheeled walker I got for $3. It even has a little basket between the front wheel and the two back wheels to carry stuff in.

Ox Drover,
I do not know your story, but I am amazed!! It seems as if your wisdom has been gained by a painful lesson with a spath.

I love this idea. I lost everything that I had to the spath and had to buy everything at garage sales and goodwill. I am very thankful to those who discarded great stuff.

I want to carry on your tradition. How do you find these items? Goodwill items are not $1. What are the items that people need most after a disaster. I would also like to have these items available for women who have to leave like I did.

Thanks for your words of wisdom!!

I SO agree about everyone’s laments about the legal system. I have said for the longest time, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS JUSTICE.

I think I had a divorce attorney who was not a monster but she still looked at it as contest that she was going to win. I think that seems to be the attitude of most in the legal system, a way to fulfill their need to WIN! while most people forced into the system are in their most vulnernable state.

IF the legal system does something right, it is only by chance. I am SOOOO sorry for any LF member that must engage in our legal system, esp against an spath b/c as I learned VERY early in life: THE FACTS DON’T MATTER. THE TRUTH DOESN’T MATTER. The only thing that matters is what the one’s in control/power wants to get out of it.

Watch this new video. I am grateful to see it on the news.

http://www.cbsatlanta.com/video?clipId=7898038&autostart=true

rebeccap….
you made my day. thank you for validating what i FELT. i knew something was off in the judicial system, i just didn’t know how it was being done. i am SUCH a dunce! of course it is via backdoor influences. no wonder FACTS in court don’t matter!

it is as i thought, the one’s in power make decisions based on what benefit they receive irregardless of the travesties perpetrated on the innocent and vulnerable.

Dear Esther – oh my this brings back so much for me. I work in Public Health and we are part of Emergency Support Function 8 (health and medical). (Red Cross is ESF 6 – mass care). We respond to underserved areas and disasters when requested.

I was in Florida the year of the “Grand Slam” of 4 hurricanes and then also in NOLA for Hurricane Katrina. Some things the pictures cannot communicate are the noise (bizarrely loud or eerily quiet), the smell (decay, contamination, mold), the temperature (beastly hot or freezing cold) and just the exhaustion from living in the mess week after week. And I can go home – I am only on site for 2-4 weeks and we rotate out. My heart goes out to you for your incredible hardship.

When I was 15 years old – I lost 2 very close friends to a tornado – they were brothers. I had seen one of them just the day before he died. I still think about that and I’m 57 years old. Anyway – disasters of any kind are always horrendous.

I experienced the nowhere to go situation as well and I agree with you that if I had just known how to organize my experiences and how to leave, my life would have been completely different. I had a sociopathic mother. She was forever threatening my brother and me and took out life insurance policies on us, saying that her life would be so much better if we died. Periodically she would give away my belongings and clothes and tell the Good Will workers that her daughter had died – getting lots of attention. You all know the drill, gas lighting, lied to and lied about. It never ended. When I was 16 years old, she opened a “joint” bank account with me and proceeded to spend all the money, even taking all my high school graduation money. I was emotionally paralyzed and unable to cope. I still struggle with the numb part of PTSD.

I found Love Fraud 3 years ago – thank GOD – learning here has reframed my entire life – especially Donna Anderson’s encouragement: “choose to recover.” LF is helping me now in dealing with a 30-year marriage to a sociopathic husband. He also has talked about what all he could do if I were dead. Really spooky. But now I have the perspective and now I know that ALL the crazy scenarios are from the usual bag of tricks that all evil disordered people use. Reframing my life has helped me to remember my father and his kindness and my right to my own life. My brother has not fared so well – now an alcoholic who obsesses about “why” it all happened the way it did.

I have always been terrified of the legal system. My mother worked a bit as a paralegal for a big insurance company and would laugh at people’s tragedies. I am heeding the advice of those here about leaving my Spath husband – gray rock, lots of cash, keeping records.

Esther – so very, very sorry for the extended nightmare you lived through and so glad you shared your story. Thank goodness for the community here.

KatyDid,
Glad to help. I have so many injuries from Family Court and the “just us” system. I hope my sharing of intense pain touches and validates you. Your feelings need to be validated. I appreciate your thoughts. You are absolutely right, “the FACTS Do not matter.” It is the money paid to the judges that matters.

It is just like when you have been duped by the spath, you know it’s not right, people tell you “get over it, get on with your life”. When the actions of these spaths take everything from you.

It takes another sister’s kind and gentle sharing to validate what you feel. The spath wants you to just forget the a– kicking that you got. They love the feeling of confusion and chaos (court). I also believe those that tell you to just get on with life, also have spath traits of discounting your inner gut and feelings.

This is why it is so important for us to continue to share. Our words will turn on the light bulb for someone else.

Opal Rose,
I tried to deny the disabling of my PTSD. It is better to claim right in the beginning of the divorce that you have PTSD, especially if your children are grown. You are entitled to protections from two public acts; the Americans With Disability Act and the Violence Against Women Act. I did not use both of these. My attorneys did not inform me of the acts. Know your state laws, as the attorneys will lie to you. Along with the saving and getting prized possessions to a safe place, photos, just like you would do if you were leaving before a hurricane, because you do not know how high the storm surge will reach, inform yourself with the knowledge of “public acts” and laws of your state.

I am so glad that the light bulb is on and you are preparing for the hurricane. Just pass it on. Know also when you go to the disaster areas, that you will see many who need the site also.

My prayers are with you also. Keep safe and be aware! Make sure he cannot trace your computer history.

rebeccap,
omg, thank you for posting that video link.
The Washburn lady is a spath. You can tell by her tacky outfit!

Woops, sorry, I didn’t mean to copy the entire article.

Here is the link.

http://thesexaddictedbrain.typepad.com/my_weblog/2011/01/sex-addiction-and-the-science-of-forgiveness.html

Athena,
that is a great link on forgiveness and shame. I’d read it before but it was worth reading again and again, IMO.

Donna has done such a wonderful thing starting LOVEFRAUD! There are so many helpful people coming together with experience, warnings, validation and the list goes on and on.

It’s so sad we all must deal with this crap when we would be happy just living our lives but since we must, it’s great to have so many minds working together to get through it! If Lovefraud didn’t exist many would be alone in their homes attempting to survive and being told by the outside world to “get over it”.

I just went to Safe Kids International facebook and their latest story is a 7 year old boy taken from his mother at a forensic interview and handed to the father giving the mother supervised visitation only for attempting to protect her son. The father admitted to the molestation of the boy after the son bravely told of his fathers crime against him. He was kicking and screaming to stop them from making him go but the courts decided the father had been cured after a 45 minute course that changed him into a non incest molester!!! This is so criminal my mind is screaming! Our system and society has gone crazy!!! It is the same judge who did this to the infamous DAMON in San Diego and she must be a sociopath/psychopath who enjoys knowing she tortures children.

There is an older child who has aged out that also says they were molested by this parent!!! God we have got to get this stopped!!!

We have to keep sharing these links and the stories. People are in denial. I wish I would have known these things before I walked into the temple of evil– the State of Florida Family Courts.

I went to see former President Bill Clinton speak. I honor him because he pushed for the Violence Against women Act and signed it as public law. We were asked to say the Pledge of Allegiance. I haven’t said the pledge in seven years, because the part “and justice for all” was proven false whenever I am in court. My former spath bought justice. Justice was only for who could pay the most.

When I see the children that are victims of this system, my heart cries. It is a “Trail of Tears and Betrayal” for these young souls who are alone and frightened. My minds cries also, that how could these evil monsters have such power and do this to children. It reminds me of the Hitler regime and the Hitler courts.

I hope that people will abolish the gas chambers, family court!!

I know I may sound radical to some. This is the truth and most people do not want to face the truth. The same was said when scientists first talked of global warming.

The family courts are participating in human trafficing. That little boy was sold into slavery. This untrained judge in the aspects of abuse, domestic violence and predators sold this little boy to the highest bidder.

The forensic specialists are bought and paid for by the attorneys. They write what the attorney wants and are paid well to sell the children into slavery.

I understand the denial state, because it is difficult to process these emotions, the disbelief, the rage, the mother instinct in me that wants to protect a child. Tears and more tears for this child and all the other children that have suffered in the courts of the uninformed and untrained judges.

RebeccaP,

I understand your rage, your anger at what you see as a gross injustice. Lawyers making decisions about the very lives of children. Lawyers who may know the “law” but don’t know anything about humanity, or sometimes even appear to care.

Yes, we must continue to be vocal and to support those who are working to get these UNJUST laws changed.

My prayers are with you and are for those children handed over literally to Satans.

Ox Drover,
It is extreme sadness and disbelief. I guess part of the disbelief is thatt other citizens are not expressing outrage. There are lots of people who speak out against Sandusky, but how many people are outraged at these family court judges and attorneys who while not physically molesting children, are committing mental molestation. Can you imagine the life of this child when at a young tender age, they know that their justice system is a lie. I learned this at age 48. I had a few years of denial and illusion. They have no illusion about the reality of justice is bought in the US.

This is a tragedy!!

To anyone in a court case, use this protection from the Violence Against Women Act:

’’(2) CHILD ABUSE AND NEGLECT.—The term ’child abuse
and neglect’ means any recent act or failure to act on the
part of a parent or caregiver with intent to cause death, serious
physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse, or exploitation, or
an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of
serious harm. This definition shall not be construed to mean
that failure to leave an abusive relationship, in the absence
of other action constituting abuse or neglect, is itself abuse
or neglect.

File a complaint with the office of inspector genera (oig)l in the department of justice (doj) office of violence against women(ovw).

Don’t rage against these people, act and file with your govenor, then put each member of your state and house judical members on notice. Let the OIG know that you informed them all.

Your judge and your attorney will practice business as usual. You will need to put political pressure on them.

I did this when they tried to trump up a false $1 toll booth photo violation. The prosecuting atty just wanted me to plead guilty. I mailed an affidavit to everyone and when I went back to court, it was all gone. These evil players scheduled a family court hearing on the same day as this trumped up traffic issue. I was told to write a letter to the traffic judge and explain the issue. The toll and all fines were dropped because it was a false charge. I informed the judge of this and the judge chose to ignore my letter and issued a warrant for my arrest. They expected me to cave. I let everyone in this area know of their crimes. This was over a $1 toll booth fee.

This type of stuff is happening to women all over the country. Do you know also that they let women out of jail at 1AM and expect them to walk home. Many women are raped and assaulted by some of the officers that know they have been let go in the dark without money.

Yes rage and a sense that our country is being run by evil entities who reward the evil doers and punish the empaths.

I am grateful for the protection that God has given me. Part of the protection is turning on the light bulb. Not being afraid of them, but using the laws on the books and fighting them.

I met a women the other day who quit her job and spent two years in the law library studying every day to save her children. She did. She fought a very big law firm to do this.

Rebeccap ~

THANK YOU for bringing up the Violence Against Women Act.

Your statement “Can you imagine the life of this child when at a young tender age, they know that their justice system is a lie” Oh, I can very well imagine this and in fact I am living with the results right now. My grandson was “taught” this lesson at age 9 by a GAL that promised him she would watch out for him and keep him safe. She LIED, she did the exact opposite. He had to stand alone (we were threatened and held in contempt for trying to protect him) and protect himself. Now we have an 11 year old that trusts NO ONE. At 11 he feels he must protect himself against the outside world. He is angry, he has acted out violently – who can blame him.

Back to VAWA – I tried to do some research and got very confused. You are so knowledgeable in this, could you tell me – it seemed, from what I read that this act must be “renewed” by Congress and it was not in 2012 because of some new language. Does this mean it is no longer in effect, or that parts of it are no longer in effect.

I appreciate any light you could shed on this – I am very interested. I was especially interested in the part that if a DA refused to press charges that you could redress the issue in a civil court. Do you know if you could do this for a child who has been physically abused and the DA dropped the charges against the abuser?

Thank you so much for all the information and above all for fighting for the “best interests” of the precious children.

All,

On a slightly different note, I am so happy to see continuing research on shame, trauma, and abuse.

Two great new sources of insight.

(1) Today in the New York Times, an article about why we subject ourselves to unpredictible “love” – I think it’s about trauma bonding.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/04/opinion/sunday/i-heart-unpredictable-love.html?_r=0

(2) “A dangerous method” – I recommend this excellent movie about Freud and Jung and Jung’s mistress, where she has an addiction to shame.

Both are incredibly insightful.

Athena

Athena:

Great article. I think that is totally me. It all boils down to predictable being boring.

Milo,
Glad to help if I can. There is a child protection act also.

With a title 42 lawsuit, you can sue agencies for lack of training. Most of the time you have to sue the agents and judges and gal have immunity. But the state office in charge of training does not have immunity

In each state, the state has allocated funds to train all court personnel on domestic violence. In the act, dv also includes language of intent that would cause severe emotion duress or pain. The words are not accurate, I will have to get the wording correct for you.

The act was renewed. But conservatives are trying to do away with it.

I would love to get a committee together to research and set up a help site for others who want to take legal action.

You can also file a complaint with the DOJ, OVW the inspector general. I was told that they have countless complaints about violations of VAWA. There is a violence against children act. I am in FL and have only had time to study the VAWA

I have requested all information on funding and training. They will not give me the training materials. I will have to start a lawsuit Federally to ask for this discovery.

Some of us who have PTSD, also have a discrimination lawsuit, as they have not set aside funds to protect us like the VAWA recommends.

Request from the gal her certification in domestic violence. I assure you, the training is insufficient and not related to the severe cases that many of us have endured.

YOu can email me at: [email protected]

Prayers are with you, stay strong and start gathering information.

Athena,
Yes it is a great article. This is another reason why it is difficult to leave. I know I was experiencing withdrawal. I used so many recovery skills to break my illusion and addiction to what I thought was love.

I used a picture of a pig that was grotesque. When I would get thoughts about good times, I would picture the pig. I also wrote down the terrible experiences and would read them.

I was also having nightmares of things he had done and I would wake up with terror. I would write this down.

I had to get neuro feedback treatment often to reduce the trauma responding.

Thanks for the link!!

somebody smarter than me should be able to figure this out…..is an addiction to dopamine rush the flip side of the coin whereas the other side is stockholm syndrome?

Athena,
I aint very smart but I would say to your question, no not at all.

I don’t understand the question.
😕
😳

Ha! Hens, Sky

When I read my post I didn’t understand my question either.

OK. So there are two sides of a coin, right?

SIDE 1 of the COIN:
This article says that we get a double dose of dopamine when we get “love” unexpectedly. So we get addicted to the unpredictability of the little acts of kindness the spath dishes out.

SIDE 2 of the COIN
We’ve also read about the trauma bond/stockholm syndrome.
So that’s when there is the pain/humiliation when the spath is abusing/abandoning us. Is this an addiction too?

So we get addicted to BOTH SIDES?

Athena

Athena,
I kinda see what you’re asking: are we addicted to the cruelty as well as the kindness? I don’t think we are addicted to their cruelty, anymore than a junkie is addicted to withdrawal. But it does make that next hit ever more satisfying. And the junkie is ever more grateful to his supplier.

These concepts are so confusing because they have layers and they are all backwards.

In the trauma bond, we have fear, but we interpret it as “love” because of that rush of adrenalin and because it makes us feel safer. But the love/fear doesn’t occur when they are beating us, it occurs during the acts of kindness. In those moments when they are actually being cruel, we just have regular trauma.

Like I said, I aint very smart. But being in love with a sociopath is similar to being under the spell of a vampire, we fear them and stick our neck’s out at the same time…oh my…I am gonna go make brownies..

I think I am going to start putting GARLIC in
MY BROWNIES from now on. hahahahaha
Zeeeeesh!

*Edit (afterthought:) Perhaps I need to
start wearing it around my neck and hanging
it over my bed at night while I sleep.

Hens,
yep. vampires. exactly. pass the brownies.

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Great article Athena,

Also there is the “intermittent reward” rush we get. When I start training an animal I give it a reward EVERY time it does what I want it to, even if it is imperfect….then I reward it maybe every OTHER time, until eventually I am not giving it much reward at all.

For example….if a rat pushes a lever and gets a piece of food EVERY time if he stops getting the food, he will push the lever several more times then GIVE UP.

However, if the rat pushes the lever and gets a piece of food SOMETIMES he will continue to push the lever for a LONGGGGGG TIME when the rewards have stopped completely because each time hhe pushes it he thinks ‘THIS IS GONNA BE THE TIME!”

The slot machine or the roulette wheel or any gambling device or game is the same way we think “THIS is gonna be THE time” so we keep on pushing the lever.

It works in training dogs, horses, asses, or humans…we live in hope!

Athena, what an interesting concept. It’s something to seriously consider: being addicted to both sides of the coin would explain a WHOLE lot about how and why we keep putting up with the spathidity.

OxD, yes – the behavioral training makes sense. I will never understand why people always feed their pets treats when they follow a command, especially dogs. Dogs love treats, but they love praise more than treats. The praise builds a loyalty bond that, once in place, is never broken.

Holy cow….so, perhaps, the “loyalty bond” that I maintained with the exspath was because I was expecting “praise” more than anything else, JUST as you’ve described, OxD: the hope of praise.

As a STRICT aside, I am feeling very much better, this morning and I thank everyone for their strong words of support and encouragement. I’m feeling some resolve, this morning. Thank you all, SO much.

Brightest blessings

Truthspeak:

I am glad you are feeling better. I was thinking about you.

Athena:

The trauma bond/stockholm syndrome IS BOTH sides of the coin. It is not just the pain and humiliation and abuse. It’s the fear/love combo.

I also know this happens because the lows are so low and the highs are so high…personally, I think this is where the addiction comes in.

Louise, that makes sense – the pendulumatic highs and lows. They’re so dramatic that it must become an addiction to a number of things, including drama/trauma.

The exspath’s mother never graduated from high school OR earn a GED. She is vain and grandiose to the point that it’s laughable. But, the one thing that she is an “expert” on is drama/trauma. She could turn the most mundane thing into an E.L.E – Extinction Level Event. I really couldn’t abide talking with her because the topics of conversation were always about someone else’s misfortune or herself. She never – not ever – asked me about what I was doing, how I was doing, or how my health was. Not once. Even when I was enduring a crippling health issue, she moaned and groaned about her fibro and never asked me, once, if I needed anything.

So, yeah. The addiction isn’t to one thing. I think that there are so many facets to sociopathic entanglements that there’s no way to narrow down WHICH addiction it is. It’s financial. It’s sexual. It’s spiritual. It’s emotional. All of it factors in, and I don’t ever intend to become “addicted” to another human being (OR, their approval) for the rest of my life.

Brightest blessings

Truthspeak:

OMG…me either! Never will I become addicted again. I am sure of that. I am not putting myself out there to get hurt again. I have a friend who moved to CA just five days ago and she already has a date for this coming weekend! Hahaha!! She is actively looking for a man and that is great because that is what SHE wants, but it will also open her up to all types of drama, heartache, BS, etc. She also jumps into bed too fast and she is not young. Example…she told me a couple weeks ago about a guy who texted her out of the blue after nine months. She said she had gone out on a couple of dates with this guy, it was OK, but it just fizzled out; didn’t go anywhere; she wasn’t really interested in him. So when he gets in touch with her nine months later, she goes out with him, but she is moving to CA within the next week. She is kind of complaining about him when we were at dinner…just general kind of stuff like she thought he was kind of boring, etc. and then she says something like (I can’t remember her exact words so I will paraphrase) well, we’ll see how the sex is! I thought HUH???? I didn’t say a word, but just thought that is exactly why there is so much drama/trauma in this world! She didn’t even seem to “like” this guy, yet she was planning on sleeping with him? Because I know that is just how dating “works” nowadays, I won’t do it. That is unfortunately the world we live in, but I do not have to buy into it. Why can’t women see that you just can’t jump into bed (or the couch or the floor or wherever you decide to have sex)?? I think if people would just open their eyes and stop this, there would be much less problems. Look at some of the letters that people have submitted here…these women all slept with these men almost immediately and then they wonder why they got in trouble?? Hey, yes, I did it with spath and I KNOW that. I KNOW what I did, BUT…he was the first different guy I had slept with in 20 years!!! And NOW, I will NOT ever do it again unless I am married OR I have dated them a long, long time and they love me for me and not just want my body. I am on a rant, but in my opinion, it is just so important. STAY OUT OF BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because this is when the addiction comes in…after you have had sex with them. Thank you!!!!!!

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