Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who writes as “Esther.”
I am watching with horror as I see the devastation of Hurricane Sandy. The water and photos of devastation bring back memories for me of my experiences in South Florida—three hurricanes back to back destroyed my home. I was married to the sociopath at that time. He enjoyed the attention and the chaos. I was devastated and overwhelmed. The insurance adjusters, claims, trying to get tarps to protect the home from further rain and damage, the ceiling collapsing and the black mold that began to appear on the walls after the power was restored. Contractors could not be found, and the predators looking for work all came to Florida.
Meanwhile I discovered that I was facing a true predator. My ex took insurance funds that were made payable to me, him and the mortgage holder. These insurance funds were to be kept by the mortgage holder, Merrill Lynch. I say were, because my ex’s brother worked at Merrill Lynch and he released the funds solely to my ex. My ex claimed he paid the contractor to repair our home. The contractor disappeared. My ex did not seem concerned and tried to get me to sell inherited property to replace the funds.
Betrayal
I felt the physical pain of betrayal, as he ran off with the young flight attendant and the wealthy girlfriend that he had met on one of his trips. I was left with a home that had been torn apart, no money, no insurance funds and a broken heart. Insurance companies, banks and a legal system blamed me; ignoring the crimes they committed.
What I now know is that this was all a plan, my ex could care less about the property and he probably made a deal with the contractor to split the insurance funds. I also discovered that my ex and his brother had removed me from the mortgage so they could steal more insurance funds.
This flood of cash that my ex could manipulate moved him to greater motivation to injure me psychologically. He had begun his emotional abuse. I could never do anything right. I was too angry, etc. He then began to be physical. It started with pushing, pulling my hair. It all was my fault; he felt that I needed to be on medication. He then produced a post nuptial that he insisted I sign. It had a clause that the marriage was in trouble and that if in 5 years we had resolved the marital differences, the post nuptial would be void.
When I refused to sign, he told me that I only cared about the money. He had cancelled all credit cards, denied access to bank funds and began to become dangerously physical. I had nowhere to go, no home and I didn’t know what to do. He charmed the insurance agents and told them he was the mortgage holder. Even though their paperwork had my name on it, they were sucked in by his charm and wrote additional checks only to him.
Family Court
My father feared for my life and he paid an attorney a retainer fee. The real rape began for me in Family Court. I slept on couches, in my office and cried nightly. I felt safer with my ex than I did with the attorneys and judges who only wanted a pay check. The legal experience was another serious violation. These legal predators sensed my vulnerability and preyed on me.
I suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I knew the symptoms of PTSD, what I didn’t understand was the numbing effects and the effect on my cognitive functioning. This is why survivors are more vulnerable to predators after leaving an abusive relationship. It takes time for the brain to heal and we need protection while we heal. I wish I would have had Lovefraud to prepare me to put on a mask and prepare to leave, not leave in desperation. I needed an article to help me understand that my husband was worse than the three hurricanes and that the court personnel would prey on my tragedy.
Disasters such as these are a candy store for an abusive mate, predatory attorneys and contractors. The intense emotions that cripple those of us who have anxiety, inspire and charge the Sociopath. The manipulation games are pleasure for the sociopath. This is an extremely dangerous period for our sisters and brothers who still suffer in these relationships.
How to leave
If you have the fortune to read my words, find a very good counselor who understands your vulnerability. Too many counselors told me, “just leave.” This is dangerous advice and ignorant of the dynamics of domestic violence.
Keep a copy of all records. Know the insurance adjusters and agents. Remove important possessions and photos to a safe storage place. Do not think that if you tell him you want a divorce, he will change. Do not trust that the agents of any agency will follow the law and policy. Reconnect with your families and friends. Ask them to witness the actions of the sociopath. In these relationships we isolate because we are ashamed of the environment in which we are living. Your sociopath will be so charming to the authorities, you will need witnesses.
What I also didn’t know was that I had Federal Protection with the Violence Against Women Act. This act stipulates that the Court and agents of the State of Florida by accepting federal funds were responsible to assist me, to train judges and attorneys to protect me. This system that I turned to for protection also betrayed me.
Learn from my mistakes. I know it hurts. I understand the shame. This will all pass. You will learn and understand that these people are incapable of kindness, compassion and care. It is not your fault. You have been at war and you are injured. I write and explain my story, my denial and ignorance so that you will not suffer and feel alone at the hands of predators like I did. Share with us, you will find some of the most caring people on this site who will mirror your strength. The drywall, the cabinets, the appliances can all be replaced. The scars left by betrayal take longer to heal. The greed that you see in these evil predators may haunt you for a long time.
You are in my prayers. When you are crying and feeling as if your weight is too much, ask God to remove the intense feeling, giving you the wisdom and strength to put one foot in front of the other. In these difficult times may you have trust in the wisdom of the pain and find the lesson for your growth.
Yes, the legal system has no accountability. It is better to get to the vulnerable family members before going to court. The attorneys will rape them. The State Bar systems only protect the bar members. It is a country club for attorneys and politicians who are still attorneys. Some say that there is no separation of powers because attorneys are members of the bar and are elected officials.
Just like a spath, an atty spath recognizes you. The empath, will double think their behaviors, accept unacceptable behaviors, trust have faith that the profession is regulated.
We have a lot of teaching to do. The vulnerable are the playground for the spaths. Keep writing and helping each other.
In my state, I am challenging the organizations that are educating the judges. The Violence Against Women Act provides grant training to educate the judges. These organizations are making the training voluntary. I’m sorry but this is wrong. Why would a family court judge not be required to take specific training on Domestic Violence???? Then be tested on what he has learned. This would change how they rule from the bench. Also in the VAWA, if you read it, you will see how much protection we have. When your family court does not allow you the protection, they have violated your civil rights.
The VAWA, mentions financial abuse, emotional abuse, etc. But the state training for judges and court personnel, only teaches battery as domestic violence. I feel that this is the crime, they are accepting Federal funds and not using them appropriately. They are simply creating jobs for more attorneys, using funds meant for the vulnerable.
Truthspeak,
You are absolutely right that the spath is like a hurricane. You think oh, I can handle this. They seem so helpful and when your guard is down, they destroy you.
Thank you for that simple analogy.
Eralyn,
You mentioning the “non-profits” made my ears perk up….I no longer donate funds to the Red Cross and other large non profits because of the huge salaries and perks that they pay their execs.
Ditto large churches.
I give money to the Salvation Army which pays their execs reasonable wages but not huge mega bucks, and spends the biggest portion of the donations helping people in need in the trenches. Or I give money or goods directly to those in need so that the limited amount of money I have to donate does some GOOD and doesn’t help fund some CEO’s private jet.
Having been scammed for a bit of money recently I know that I can be “had” just like anyone else but I am careful were I donate.
It breaks my heart that so many people donate to scam artists and other crooks….I see them on TV begging all the time for money for starving children etc. playing the “pity ploy” to break people’s hearts.
There are large nationally known “animal protection” groups that are just as bad in begging people to send money to “save starving” critters. So if you want to help out kitty and puppy, donate to your local shelter.
When we had a tornado sweep through here a few years ago, I didn’t have much money to donate but I did know where to buy things cheaply that were what people would need….the local auction and for less than $100 I bought thousands of dollars worth of items that people would need whose homes had been destroyed down to the foundation. I had several truck loads of things to take to the community building for the families in need.
The lady that was running the collection was amazed at what I brought in and I’ve worked in the collections for tornado victims before and some people bring in dirty, torn clothes and stuff that is unusable and takes up the time of the workers to discard and sort. So I knew what kind of things to buy.
Every year I buy tons of Christmas gifts for an orphanage in our town for just a few bucks….new items for a wide variety of kids in sizes and ages and only spend a few dollars. So I make my donation count. Once I bought a huge crate of name brand toothpaste for the orphanage and they were THRILLED. I think I only paid $3-4.
Right now I am getting around on a nice rolling 3-wheeled walker I got for $3. It even has a little basket between the front wheel and the two back wheels to carry stuff in.
Ox Drover,
I do not know your story, but I am amazed!! It seems as if your wisdom has been gained by a painful lesson with a spath.
I love this idea. I lost everything that I had to the spath and had to buy everything at garage sales and goodwill. I am very thankful to those who discarded great stuff.
I want to carry on your tradition. How do you find these items? Goodwill items are not $1. What are the items that people need most after a disaster. I would also like to have these items available for women who have to leave like I did.
Thanks for your words of wisdom!!
I SO agree about everyone’s laments about the legal system. I have said for the longest time, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS JUSTICE.
I think I had a divorce attorney who was not a monster but she still looked at it as contest that she was going to win. I think that seems to be the attitude of most in the legal system, a way to fulfill their need to WIN! while most people forced into the system are in their most vulnernable state.
IF the legal system does something right, it is only by chance. I am SOOOO sorry for any LF member that must engage in our legal system, esp against an spath b/c as I learned VERY early in life: THE FACTS DON’T MATTER. THE TRUTH DOESN’T MATTER. The only thing that matters is what the one’s in control/power wants to get out of it.
Watch this new video. I am grateful to see it on the news.
http://www.cbsatlanta.com/video?clipId=7898038&autostart=true
rebeccap….
you made my day. thank you for validating what i FELT. i knew something was off in the judicial system, i just didn’t know how it was being done. i am SUCH a dunce! of course it is via backdoor influences. no wonder FACTS in court don’t matter!
it is as i thought, the one’s in power make decisions based on what benefit they receive irregardless of the travesties perpetrated on the innocent and vulnerable.
Dear Esther – oh my this brings back so much for me. I work in Public Health and we are part of Emergency Support Function 8 (health and medical). (Red Cross is ESF 6 – mass care). We respond to underserved areas and disasters when requested.
I was in Florida the year of the “Grand Slam” of 4 hurricanes and then also in NOLA for Hurricane Katrina. Some things the pictures cannot communicate are the noise (bizarrely loud or eerily quiet), the smell (decay, contamination, mold), the temperature (beastly hot or freezing cold) and just the exhaustion from living in the mess week after week. And I can go home – I am only on site for 2-4 weeks and we rotate out. My heart goes out to you for your incredible hardship.
When I was 15 years old – I lost 2 very close friends to a tornado – they were brothers. I had seen one of them just the day before he died. I still think about that and I’m 57 years old. Anyway – disasters of any kind are always horrendous.
I experienced the nowhere to go situation as well and I agree with you that if I had just known how to organize my experiences and how to leave, my life would have been completely different. I had a sociopathic mother. She was forever threatening my brother and me and took out life insurance policies on us, saying that her life would be so much better if we died. Periodically she would give away my belongings and clothes and tell the Good Will workers that her daughter had died – getting lots of attention. You all know the drill, gas lighting, lied to and lied about. It never ended. When I was 16 years old, she opened a “joint” bank account with me and proceeded to spend all the money, even taking all my high school graduation money. I was emotionally paralyzed and unable to cope. I still struggle with the numb part of PTSD.
I found Love Fraud 3 years ago – thank GOD – learning here has reframed my entire life – especially Donna Anderson’s encouragement: “choose to recover.” LF is helping me now in dealing with a 30-year marriage to a sociopathic husband. He also has talked about what all he could do if I were dead. Really spooky. But now I have the perspective and now I know that ALL the crazy scenarios are from the usual bag of tricks that all evil disordered people use. Reframing my life has helped me to remember my father and his kindness and my right to my own life. My brother has not fared so well – now an alcoholic who obsesses about “why” it all happened the way it did.
I have always been terrified of the legal system. My mother worked a bit as a paralegal for a big insurance company and would laugh at people’s tragedies. I am heeding the advice of those here about leaving my Spath husband – gray rock, lots of cash, keeping records.
Esther – so very, very sorry for the extended nightmare you lived through and so glad you shared your story. Thank goodness for the community here.
KatyDid,
Glad to help. I have so many injuries from Family Court and the “just us” system. I hope my sharing of intense pain touches and validates you. Your feelings need to be validated. I appreciate your thoughts. You are absolutely right, “the FACTS Do not matter.” It is the money paid to the judges that matters.
It is just like when you have been duped by the spath, you know it’s not right, people tell you “get over it, get on with your life”. When the actions of these spaths take everything from you.
It takes another sister’s kind and gentle sharing to validate what you feel. The spath wants you to just forget the a– kicking that you got. They love the feeling of confusion and chaos (court). I also believe those that tell you to just get on with life, also have spath traits of discounting your inner gut and feelings.
This is why it is so important for us to continue to share. Our words will turn on the light bulb for someone else.
Opal Rose,
I tried to deny the disabling of my PTSD. It is better to claim right in the beginning of the divorce that you have PTSD, especially if your children are grown. You are entitled to protections from two public acts; the Americans With Disability Act and the Violence Against Women Act. I did not use both of these. My attorneys did not inform me of the acts. Know your state laws, as the attorneys will lie to you. Along with the saving and getting prized possessions to a safe place, photos, just like you would do if you were leaving before a hurricane, because you do not know how high the storm surge will reach, inform yourself with the knowledge of “public acts” and laws of your state.
I am so glad that the light bulb is on and you are preparing for the hurricane. Just pass it on. Know also when you go to the disaster areas, that you will see many who need the site also.
My prayers are with you also. Keep safe and be aware! Make sure he cannot trace your computer history.