Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who writes as “Esther.”
I am watching with horror as I see the devastation of Hurricane Sandy. The water and photos of devastation bring back memories for me of my experiences in South Florida—three hurricanes back to back destroyed my home. I was married to the sociopath at that time. He enjoyed the attention and the chaos. I was devastated and overwhelmed. The insurance adjusters, claims, trying to get tarps to protect the home from further rain and damage, the ceiling collapsing and the black mold that began to appear on the walls after the power was restored. Contractors could not be found, and the predators looking for work all came to Florida.
Meanwhile I discovered that I was facing a true predator. My ex took insurance funds that were made payable to me, him and the mortgage holder. These insurance funds were to be kept by the mortgage holder, Merrill Lynch. I say were, because my ex’s brother worked at Merrill Lynch and he released the funds solely to my ex. My ex claimed he paid the contractor to repair our home. The contractor disappeared. My ex did not seem concerned and tried to get me to sell inherited property to replace the funds.
Betrayal
I felt the physical pain of betrayal, as he ran off with the young flight attendant and the wealthy girlfriend that he had met on one of his trips. I was left with a home that had been torn apart, no money, no insurance funds and a broken heart. Insurance companies, banks and a legal system blamed me; ignoring the crimes they committed.
What I now know is that this was all a plan, my ex could care less about the property and he probably made a deal with the contractor to split the insurance funds. I also discovered that my ex and his brother had removed me from the mortgage so they could steal more insurance funds.
This flood of cash that my ex could manipulate moved him to greater motivation to injure me psychologically. He had begun his emotional abuse. I could never do anything right. I was too angry, etc. He then began to be physical. It started with pushing, pulling my hair. It all was my fault; he felt that I needed to be on medication. He then produced a post nuptial that he insisted I sign. It had a clause that the marriage was in trouble and that if in 5 years we had resolved the marital differences, the post nuptial would be void.
When I refused to sign, he told me that I only cared about the money. He had cancelled all credit cards, denied access to bank funds and began to become dangerously physical. I had nowhere to go, no home and I didn’t know what to do. He charmed the insurance agents and told them he was the mortgage holder. Even though their paperwork had my name on it, they were sucked in by his charm and wrote additional checks only to him.
Family Court
My father feared for my life and he paid an attorney a retainer fee. The real rape began for me in Family Court. I slept on couches, in my office and cried nightly. I felt safer with my ex than I did with the attorneys and judges who only wanted a pay check. The legal experience was another serious violation. These legal predators sensed my vulnerability and preyed on me.
I suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I knew the symptoms of PTSD, what I didn’t understand was the numbing effects and the effect on my cognitive functioning. This is why survivors are more vulnerable to predators after leaving an abusive relationship. It takes time for the brain to heal and we need protection while we heal. I wish I would have had Lovefraud to prepare me to put on a mask and prepare to leave, not leave in desperation. I needed an article to help me understand that my husband was worse than the three hurricanes and that the court personnel would prey on my tragedy.
Disasters such as these are a candy store for an abusive mate, predatory attorneys and contractors. The intense emotions that cripple those of us who have anxiety, inspire and charge the Sociopath. The manipulation games are pleasure for the sociopath. This is an extremely dangerous period for our sisters and brothers who still suffer in these relationships.
How to leave
If you have the fortune to read my words, find a very good counselor who understands your vulnerability. Too many counselors told me, “just leave.” This is dangerous advice and ignorant of the dynamics of domestic violence.
Keep a copy of all records. Know the insurance adjusters and agents. Remove important possessions and photos to a safe storage place. Do not think that if you tell him you want a divorce, he will change. Do not trust that the agents of any agency will follow the law and policy. Reconnect with your families and friends. Ask them to witness the actions of the sociopath. In these relationships we isolate because we are ashamed of the environment in which we are living. Your sociopath will be so charming to the authorities, you will need witnesses.
What I also didn’t know was that I had Federal Protection with the Violence Against Women Act. This act stipulates that the Court and agents of the State of Florida by accepting federal funds were responsible to assist me, to train judges and attorneys to protect me. This system that I turned to for protection also betrayed me.
Learn from my mistakes. I know it hurts. I understand the shame. This will all pass. You will learn and understand that these people are incapable of kindness, compassion and care. It is not your fault. You have been at war and you are injured. I write and explain my story, my denial and ignorance so that you will not suffer and feel alone at the hands of predators like I did. Share with us, you will find some of the most caring people on this site who will mirror your strength. The drywall, the cabinets, the appliances can all be replaced. The scars left by betrayal take longer to heal. The greed that you see in these evil predators may haunt you for a long time.
You are in my prayers. When you are crying and feeling as if your weight is too much, ask God to remove the intense feeling, giving you the wisdom and strength to put one foot in front of the other. In these difficult times may you have trust in the wisdom of the pain and find the lesson for your growth.
rebeccap,
omg, thank you for posting that video link.
The Washburn lady is a spath. You can tell by her tacky outfit!
Sex Addiction and the Science of Forgiveness
http://thesexaddictedbrain.typepad.com/my_weblog/2011/01/sex-addiction-and-the-science-of-forgiveness.html
Woops, sorry, I didn’t mean to copy the entire article.
Here is the link.
http://thesexaddictedbrain.typepad.com/my_weblog/2011/01/sex-addiction-and-the-science-of-forgiveness.html
Athena,
that is a great link on forgiveness and shame. I’d read it before but it was worth reading again and again, IMO.
Donna has done such a wonderful thing starting LOVEFRAUD! There are so many helpful people coming together with experience, warnings, validation and the list goes on and on.
It’s so sad we all must deal with this crap when we would be happy just living our lives but since we must, it’s great to have so many minds working together to get through it! If Lovefraud didn’t exist many would be alone in their homes attempting to survive and being told by the outside world to “get over it”.
I just went to Safe Kids International facebook and their latest story is a 7 year old boy taken from his mother at a forensic interview and handed to the father giving the mother supervised visitation only for attempting to protect her son. The father admitted to the molestation of the boy after the son bravely told of his fathers crime against him. He was kicking and screaming to stop them from making him go but the courts decided the father had been cured after a 45 minute course that changed him into a non incest molester!!! This is so criminal my mind is screaming! Our system and society has gone crazy!!! It is the same judge who did this to the infamous DAMON in San Diego and she must be a sociopath/psychopath who enjoys knowing she tortures children.
There is an older child who has aged out that also says they were molested by this parent!!! God we have got to get this stopped!!!
We have to keep sharing these links and the stories. People are in denial. I wish I would have known these things before I walked into the temple of evil– the State of Florida Family Courts.
I went to see former President Bill Clinton speak. I honor him because he pushed for the Violence Against women Act and signed it as public law. We were asked to say the Pledge of Allegiance. I haven’t said the pledge in seven years, because the part “and justice for all” was proven false whenever I am in court. My former spath bought justice. Justice was only for who could pay the most.
When I see the children that are victims of this system, my heart cries. It is a “Trail of Tears and Betrayal” for these young souls who are alone and frightened. My minds cries also, that how could these evil monsters have such power and do this to children. It reminds me of the Hitler regime and the Hitler courts.
I hope that people will abolish the gas chambers, family court!!
I know I may sound radical to some. This is the truth and most people do not want to face the truth. The same was said when scientists first talked of global warming.
The family courts are participating in human trafficing. That little boy was sold into slavery. This untrained judge in the aspects of abuse, domestic violence and predators sold this little boy to the highest bidder.
The forensic specialists are bought and paid for by the attorneys. They write what the attorney wants and are paid well to sell the children into slavery.
I understand the denial state, because it is difficult to process these emotions, the disbelief, the rage, the mother instinct in me that wants to protect a child. Tears and more tears for this child and all the other children that have suffered in the courts of the uninformed and untrained judges.
RebeccaP,
I understand your rage, your anger at what you see as a gross injustice. Lawyers making decisions about the very lives of children. Lawyers who may know the “law” but don’t know anything about humanity, or sometimes even appear to care.
Yes, we must continue to be vocal and to support those who are working to get these UNJUST laws changed.
My prayers are with you and are for those children handed over literally to Satans.
Ox Drover,
It is extreme sadness and disbelief. I guess part of the disbelief is thatt other citizens are not expressing outrage. There are lots of people who speak out against Sandusky, but how many people are outraged at these family court judges and attorneys who while not physically molesting children, are committing mental molestation. Can you imagine the life of this child when at a young tender age, they know that their justice system is a lie. I learned this at age 48. I had a few years of denial and illusion. They have no illusion about the reality of justice is bought in the US.
This is a tragedy!!
To anyone in a court case, use this protection from the Violence Against Women Act:
’’(2) CHILD ABUSE AND NEGLECT.—The term ’child abuse
and neglect’ means any recent act or failure to act on the
part of a parent or caregiver with intent to cause death, serious
physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse, or exploitation, or
an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of
serious harm. This definition shall not be construed to mean
that failure to leave an abusive relationship, in the absence
of other action constituting abuse or neglect, is itself abuse
or neglect.
File a complaint with the office of inspector genera (oig)l in the department of justice (doj) office of violence against women(ovw).
Don’t rage against these people, act and file with your govenor, then put each member of your state and house judical members on notice. Let the OIG know that you informed them all.
Your judge and your attorney will practice business as usual. You will need to put political pressure on them.
I did this when they tried to trump up a false $1 toll booth photo violation. The prosecuting atty just wanted me to plead guilty. I mailed an affidavit to everyone and when I went back to court, it was all gone. These evil players scheduled a family court hearing on the same day as this trumped up traffic issue. I was told to write a letter to the traffic judge and explain the issue. The toll and all fines were dropped because it was a false charge. I informed the judge of this and the judge chose to ignore my letter and issued a warrant for my arrest. They expected me to cave. I let everyone in this area know of their crimes. This was over a $1 toll booth fee.
This type of stuff is happening to women all over the country. Do you know also that they let women out of jail at 1AM and expect them to walk home. Many women are raped and assaulted by some of the officers that know they have been let go in the dark without money.
Yes rage and a sense that our country is being run by evil entities who reward the evil doers and punish the empaths.
I am grateful for the protection that God has given me. Part of the protection is turning on the light bulb. Not being afraid of them, but using the laws on the books and fighting them.
I met a women the other day who quit her job and spent two years in the law library studying every day to save her children. She did. She fought a very big law firm to do this.