UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following from a reader who we’ll refer to as “Tanya” about her experience of trying to expose the sociopath.
I was 35 when I met my sociopath — we’ll call him Dave. I was in a top twenty graduate business program — a magnet for narcissists and sociopaths, by the way! A culture that so prizes appearances, financial accumulation, and power must seem irresistible to people with those disorders.
Dave seemed so great at first — attentive, interesting, intelligent, open, honest, fun. My friends warned that he was too flirty — but I only took that as a sign that he was desirable and, hey, I won him over when others had failed.
We were off and on for a few months — the usual drama of dating a pure sociopath took its toll right away. He did very scary things early on, like drink and drive, show up at my door in the middle of the night, call a dozen times a night, etc. etc. In the alcoholic daze that is your typical business school culture, his behavior didn’t stand out as much as it might in real life — but it really should have at the time.
He’s engaged
Finally we broke it off completely. Then one night I got a call from him — he was in Brazil on holiday (he lived there for a few years before coming to Business School) and he was calling to tell me that he was engaged to a girl he’d met there. He put her on the phone so that she could be reassured that he was no longer involved with me. I thought it was crazy, but in my own attempts to CONTROL the crazy (always the first mistake), I took it upon myself to tell his friends at school about the call. I framed it like “Congratulate Dave! He tells me he’s engaged!” He was furious with me when he came back and his friends no doubt thought I was insane.
Later, his “fiance” called me a few times trying to find him. I “googled” her name on my computer — again in an attempt to control the crazy— and found that he had been emailing her from my computer during the time we were dating. Then I found emails he had sent to a sex tourism site called Club Hombre. Over the previous two or three years, he had posted HUNDREDS of emails to this site, explaining his sexual exploits with prostitutes all over the world. His “fiance” was a prostitute. On the boards, he talked a lot about having unprotected sex with prostitutes in Rio and Turkey (both high HIV areas).
I reported what happened
I was so petrified. I went to the school clinic and explained my situation. The nurse told me that I had a one in thirty two chance of having HIV and I had to wait a week for test results to come back (thankfully, negative). During that week I went to my school counselor (a 27 year old kid new on the job) and tried to explain my situation. I brought in print-outs of the postings Dave had made to the sex site, and a note from the clinic explaining the risks he had exposed me to. I wanted to somehow get this guy on record before he put other women in our school at risk, even if it meant humiliating myself. The counselor was skeptical. He asked me if I wanted to file a restraining order and I said “no.” I thought that would only make things worse.
As per procedure, he had to bring Dave in as well. When he asked Dave if HE wanted to file a restraining order, Dave said “yes!” So, as a reward for my efforts to work within the system, I got a restraining order filed against ME for harassing DAVE. One of the worst days of my life.
Can’t control the crazy
That was three years ago, and I still definitely bear the scars of the experience. I try to put the details out of my mind and, even as I read this, I can’t believe it happened.
I do my best to not fault myself for getting involved in the first place. As so many others on your site have said, I was behaving normally in an abnormal situation. What I DO fault myself for is trying to CONTROL the crazy. Every time I tried to control it and expose the sociopath, I only made things worse for myself. The true trauma wasn’t the stuff that happened between me and him, but the stuff that happened when I tried to expose him to others. It was so awful to see how easily sociopaths can bend the system to their will. Before then, I believed I lived in a just, fair world and that I could trust the system to protect me when I needed it. After Dave, I know now that I have to protect MYSELF.
When I’m philosophical about it, I just think that it’s only human to want to believe that we live in an ordered, just world. We want to believe it so much that we ignore the disorder and unfairness RIGHT IN FRONT OF US, and this blind spot is where the sociopath functions. I’m so thankful that I emerged with much less damage than some others. I only wish that there was a way to constructively deal with this — to raise awareness about sociopathy in the same way that people raise awareness about cancer or drug abuse.
Thank you again for your site — it was cathartic to share my story.
Learn more: How to report your abuser’s crimes so the police take you seriously
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Dec. 16, 2009.
How the messages we hear all our lives keep us vulnerable to sociopaths
Matt
By, the way, all, the following was sent to me. Wish I could take credit for it, but alas… Anyhow, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin’, chased by his spouse..
She wielded a nine iron and wasn’t too merry,
Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.
He’d been cheatin’ on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.
From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin’ them texts.
Despite all his cryin’ and beggin’ and pleadin’,
Tiger’s wife went investin’ — a new home in Sweden .
And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
“If you’re gettin’ laid then I’m gettin’ paid.”
She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year
Stargazer
ha ha ha ha love it!!!
witsend
Matt,
Good to hear from you. We miss you when your gone.
Gosh when I was reading about your mom talking about your dads credit cards going over the top all I could think of was something didn’t sound quite “right” about this. And that was before I even got to the part and read that you had a con man brother…..
When you tried to calm things down and offer your services what was your mothers response to that? And your brother?
Matt
witsend:
My mother seemed — for lack of a better word — amenable to my suggestion, although she is kicking this one back into my father’s court. There is a part of her that gets the concept that althought the credit card was issued isn my father’s name, that she can get stung by this because it is considered marital debt. So, there is an element of self-interest in this on her part.
My conman brother has been playing hide the ball on this one — he claims that he has already looked into this and that most everything is accrued interest.
While my mother’s and brother’s interests are diametrically opposed, she will become his biggest protector if it turns out he is behind this and turn around and shoot me, the messenger.
Matt
witsend:
Saw on a back posting that your son has moved out of Casa Witsend, but returned to spent XMAS Eve. Has he dropped out of school and made plans to seek fame and fortune skateboarding in LA?
Rosa
Speaking from experience, it’s not pretty being the messenger…….who’s Wagner?
witsend
Matt,
I do get what you mean about shooting the messenger.
That is why I asked how your mom and brother responded.
I suppose it is something to think about, how you might feel if you looked into it and found out it was your brother?
Would that be enough to make it worth it?
That really is the important question here. Because if you already know what your moms reaction will be…There is no reason to do it for her sake.
What does your dad say about this…..Does he have anything to say about it?
Matt
witsend:
I am going to talk to my father tomorrow. My primary goal is to get my mother off his back. My father, as incredible as it sounds, actually has a pretty good idea on what my brother is. Problem is he gets steam-rolled by her. Also, he has taken them for a lot of money — hundreds of thousands of dollars. My concern is that he’ll take the roof from over their heads, and then they’ll be MY problem. BAsically I”m trying to chose the best option from a bushell of losers.
Rosa:
Wagner (pronounced Vah – g’ner) was probably one of the dullest composers in history. He was a favorite of the Third Reich, so he hasn’t been heard from too much for quite awhile. He has undergone a bit of a renaissance the last few years, but having sat through 3 or was it 4 nights of his “ring” damned if I understand why.
Rosa
Oh, THAAT Wagner.
All I could think of was Porter Wagner, the country western singer.
It just didn’t seem right.
witsend
Matt,
My son did move out but moved into a friends house. He is not going to California until he is 18.
He wasn’t aware that he could leave home at 17 until the police officer informed him of that a few months ago. That he wouldn’t be treated as a runaway.
My older son picked him up and brought him over for Christmas Eve.