UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following from a reader who we’ll refer to as “Tanya” about her experience of trying to expose the sociopath.
I was 35 when I met my sociopath — we’ll call him Dave. I was in a top twenty graduate business program — a magnet for narcissists and sociopaths, by the way! A culture that so prizes appearances, financial accumulation, and power must seem irresistible to people with those disorders.
Dave seemed so great at first — attentive, interesting, intelligent, open, honest, fun. My friends warned that he was too flirty — but I only took that as a sign that he was desirable and, hey, I won him over when others had failed.
We were off and on for a few months — the usual drama of dating a pure sociopath took its toll right away. He did very scary things early on, like drink and drive, show up at my door in the middle of the night, call a dozen times a night, etc. etc. In the alcoholic daze that is your typical business school culture, his behavior didn’t stand out as much as it might in real life — but it really should have at the time.
He’s engaged
Finally we broke it off completely. Then one night I got a call from him — he was in Brazil on holiday (he lived there for a few years before coming to Business School) and he was calling to tell me that he was engaged to a girl he’d met there. He put her on the phone so that she could be reassured that he was no longer involved with me. I thought it was crazy, but in my own attempts to CONTROL the crazy (always the first mistake), I took it upon myself to tell his friends at school about the call. I framed it like “Congratulate Dave! He tells me he’s engaged!” He was furious with me when he came back and his friends no doubt thought I was insane.
Later, his “fiance” called me a few times trying to find him. I “googled” her name on my computer — again in an attempt to control the crazy— and found that he had been emailing her from my computer during the time we were dating. Then I found emails he had sent to a sex tourism site called Club Hombre. Over the previous two or three years, he had posted HUNDREDS of emails to this site, explaining his sexual exploits with prostitutes all over the world. His “fiance” was a prostitute. On the boards, he talked a lot about having unprotected sex with prostitutes in Rio and Turkey (both high HIV areas).
I reported what happened
I was so petrified. I went to the school clinic and explained my situation. The nurse told me that I had a one in thirty two chance of having HIV and I had to wait a week for test results to come back (thankfully, negative). During that week I went to my school counselor (a 27 year old kid new on the job) and tried to explain my situation. I brought in print-outs of the postings Dave had made to the sex site, and a note from the clinic explaining the risks he had exposed me to. I wanted to somehow get this guy on record before he put other women in our school at risk, even if it meant humiliating myself. The counselor was skeptical. He asked me if I wanted to file a restraining order and I said “no.” I thought that would only make things worse.
As per procedure, he had to bring Dave in as well. When he asked Dave if HE wanted to file a restraining order, Dave said “yes!” So, as a reward for my efforts to work within the system, I got a restraining order filed against ME for harassing DAVE. One of the worst days of my life.
Can’t control the crazy
That was three years ago, and I still definitely bear the scars of the experience. I try to put the details out of my mind and, even as I read this, I can’t believe it happened.
I do my best to not fault myself for getting involved in the first place. As so many others on your site have said, I was behaving normally in an abnormal situation. What I DO fault myself for is trying to CONTROL the crazy. Every time I tried to control it and expose the sociopath, I only made things worse for myself. The true trauma wasn’t the stuff that happened between me and him, but the stuff that happened when I tried to expose him to others. It was so awful to see how easily sociopaths can bend the system to their will. Before then, I believed I lived in a just, fair world and that I could trust the system to protect me when I needed it. After Dave, I know now that I have to protect MYSELF.
When I’m philosophical about it, I just think that it’s only human to want to believe that we live in an ordered, just world. We want to believe it so much that we ignore the disorder and unfairness RIGHT IN FRONT OF US, and this blind spot is where the sociopath functions. I’m so thankful that I emerged with much less damage than some others. I only wish that there was a way to constructively deal with this — to raise awareness about sociopathy in the same way that people raise awareness about cancer or drug abuse.
Thank you again for your site — it was cathartic to share my story.
Learn more: How to report your abuser’s crimes so the police take you seriously
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Dec. 16, 2009.
How the messages we hear all our lives keep us vulnerable to sociopaths
Okay….heres the deal…..stay away from my interior design….I do that part…..but together we can look for paint cans in the yard as we re-do the landscape all spring…..we can chat as we work and solve ALL the problems of the world!!!
Just make sure you don’t have a pacemaker….because teh metal detector could mess with it……and maybe send you hospital packin.
Wouldn’t want that! huh?!
Okay….so I get the picture now…..baby from another mama……
Ya know what….it’s YOUR G. daughter….so do whatever you f-in want to have a relationship……it’s none of the new wifes business……who/how/when you have a relationship with YOUR grandaughter…..
If she doesn’t like it….then she can include you too!
It might not be the best time currently to ask your son to include you…..in gd’s time with them…..
maybe invite them over to dinner when the girly is visiting dad….Easter…..whatever……hone in on the times with her pops…..and do something fun…..or at least attempt it…..if your shut down still…..
THEN INVITE THE EX over with the daughter for Easter or Birthday celebrations or just a BBQ.
Yes you make sense……
Take ONE bite at a time though hens……one bite…and chew…..
thanks for the input EB gonna to bed goodnite
One Step= here is an idea for the a**hole landlord and that is to threaten to call in the media – no landlord wants newspaper reporters hanging around them investigating what is going on and believe me with your health conditions you would make it a compelling story.
Matt – I laughed at your fa la la la la la at the end of the post! And the Wagner singing dog – Erin’s definitely in the market for a musical pooch, but wait wasn’t it Oxy who suggested it? Maybe she knows where there is a litter of virtuoso labs?
Henry … sorry about your son. I met an old professor the other day who looks absolutely amazing since I last saw him 2 yrs ago – he’s dropped 19 kilos and his eyes are bright and he’s burning with energy. I asked him his secret and he explained his wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer so he researched lots of diets and eventually got some info on alkaline eating – not a diet as such but more of a lifestyle move. He lectured in science ed so is more than capable of working out which studies are good and which aren’t – he was won over by it and said it is based on good solid science. He said there is some research that alkaline eating not only reverses diabetes but can also regenerate the pancreas and restore it to perfect health.
I had a colleague who had pancreatitis a few yrs ago – she had diabetes also, but her’s was very advanced and the next predicted stage for her was pancreatic cancer and no hope. You did the right thing speaking up – even if your son is grumpy with you, he’ll appreciate it if he gets some info to help him survive.
Thanks to all good people for your “welcome” input. This is a bumpy road, but I feel it getting smoother already for 2010. My P is 2000 miles away in Florida, but still attempting to mess with my brain, ie., expensive Christmas gift arriving with no card and no Christmas call. My good luck however is that I sleuthed around and discovered he currently has a female “gender not so specific” proctologist supporting him after he lost his job. Thank God it’s not me…I would not let that happen at least. However, he did manage to convince me for several months that I was the “only one” as in not using protection…just a little something to keep me up at night! But I’m learning!
hello, I am new to this post, just wanted to share that sometimes the best thing that you can do is expose the psychopath, let them know that you know, hope they find someone else, and get some witnesses around you so they can also witness their bizarre behavior.
They will rant and rave and threaten you, make your life
worse than it already is,
Somehow. once they know that you know, it’s not as thrilling anymore to them, they get bored easily always looking for
new thrills, My psycho made my life a living hell, I fought back, and won….you can too, but it’s not easy, she came after me with a knife, stabbed me in the eye with a crystal wand, smashed my cat in the face and knocked 4 teeth out,
got me arrested, put a restraining order against me, harrassed, threatened, after all the pain, and misery
she wanted to know if I wanted to be her Valentine. Is that messed up, or what, I sent her a list of all her traits, told her she was a psycho bitch, took my phone off the hook, bought a bottle of champagne, took my dog, and left my house
lucky me, she found somebody else. I’m 52 had cataract surgey, 9 dental implants, a record, a broken pc, and much more.
Was it worth it, Yes, Now I’m Psycho free,
imfree
So glad you are free. I’m sickened by the ‘list’, she seems to be one P who enjoys inflicting injury.
I suppose the only good thing about that is, the evidence is in your face literally and it’s easier to reach the conclusion this person is dangerous, I want out. It sounds like a living hell, full of countless cruelties…all the better to get way from…
It makes me glad I didn’t fight back, I could have taken him to court. He robbed me of a large sum of money, given in good faith for a building project we shared.. He squandered the money, Dating women and pretending the project was his etc. puffing himself up to neighbours who subsequently let me know what he was doing. They were disgusted and supported me in the end.
I was set to take him to court. But I had a nauseating feeling about it. He seemed excited about me going to the trouble of getting him. His family also seemed animated and excited.
I realise now, they were all excited because this is what they needed. To be stopped. battled with….it was too easy for them and they were bored! The P was turned on by me coming after him! because the attention was his again. My precious loving energy wasted on a P???? He would have crushed me like a bug at every obstacle. I saw clearly he did not care about me or my feelings….he did not care if they came after him or not, in fact he was energized by the high profile and lastly I feel by ignoring him and breaking ALL CONTACT (5 months now) he is left slightly puzzled.
His sister sent me a New Year Text goading me with Taunts about forgiving the past now and having no regrets…..this is a taunt designed to fire me up again. My body is in flames (temperature, cough, rash, fever, nausea) but I will not rise to the bait. I will wade it through with dignity. NO CONTACT and that means sneaky family members or anyone who knows him!
Hi, Imfree! I am new here too. Just made first few posts within the last few hours. EXPOSURE is a tricky subject. My P is not violent so much but is HELLA revengeful in the most devious ways. Reporting to child protective services. Calling landlord or job. Calling relatives. Even IRS. Making false reports of theft. ETC ETC ETC.
We have split 3 times in 9 years and it never ceases to amaze me what his devilish mind can come up with to cause me more heartache.
He is so CHARMING. Trained authorities take his word over mine. I am usually distraugt over matters and he is always so calm. IT seems to me that they (authority peeps) ought to have more training to recognize p’s. Judges, cps peeps etc etc.
Stayingsane, I think you make a great point about not feeding their hunger for attention (and the jollies they get out of feeling like they’ve managed to pull the wool over someone else’s eyes, such as in legal battles). There’s a big difference between telling them privately that we see through them and we’re not playing their game anymore and bringing other people — whether it’s family or the legal system — into it.
Which doesn’t mean that sometimes we don’t have to. If we have to get protective orders, divorce them, fight for child custody, go to court to recover financial assets, then we’re forced to take them on in public. And not just fight with facts, but deal with their lies and attempts to discredit us. It’s many times the work to fight a sociopath in pubic, and whether we win doesn’t, unfortunately, always depend on the strength of our case but also on overcoming the naivete of the people who make the judgments.
It’s why — if we have the choice — simply cutting them out of our lives, and eliminating their “supply” of our attention (including our anger and grief) is the best thing we can do. For convincing them to look elsewhere, because they will go find another source. And for ourselves, to break our own pointless habits of interacting with them at all, because we imagine that our words could influence them to behave better.
As I’m writing this, I remember how powerfully I wanted to let my ex know how I felt about what he’d done to me. And unlike some of the wiser and more self-disciplined people here, I did that. And had the dubious pleasure seeing him rework my feelings into short stories (published in magazines) he wrote about women who couldn’t get over their ex-boyfriends. Yuck.
They are what they are, and they don’t change. The sooner we realize that our healing is about us — taking better care of ourselves, rebuilding our lives, taking the lessons out of our experiences to become more vital and happier people — the better.
And I’mfree, I too am so glad you got away, had the presence of mind to get some witnesses, and just shut down her supply of attention. It sounds like you went through hell, but made it out. Welcome to LoveFraud.
free-at-last, you are so right about the need for more training in the legal system. As you’ve figured out (and you can read some great materials on this in ErinBrock’s post and also under her old name ErinBrockavitch), how you present yourself makes a lot of difference.
Maybe if would be helpful for you to understand that getting you upset is part of the fun for them. At one point, my ex threatened to take me to court for sexual harrassment in order to get money from me, which was so outrageous that it finally broke through my depression and grief, and made me laugh. I told him to go for it; I couldn’t wait to get on the stand and tell this story. He didn’t bring it up again, and I think it was because he was worried about what I would say. They depend on everyone else playing by the rules, and if we start to act like them, it really sets them back on their heels. Again, read Erin’s posts. You might find them helpful.
Kathy
Free:
I’ts about knowing your Cluster B and what ‘works’ for them….
AND DUPLICATE IT!!!!
You stated, he is so calm when speaking with authority….hence he is believed…..
Well…he’s giving you the recipe of what WORKS!!!!
Some people are so reluctant to ‘change’ and say….well….that’s not me, and that’s not what I want to become……
Well….it’s about the balance….if you have to fight a sociopath in court, children/custody/ and not get buried financially……
YA GOTTA FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE>…….
Strike unexpectadly….calmly, stealthly……ya gotta be just as sneaky and conning as him……when your dealing with him…..
I would discuss this BECOMING A SOCIOPATH (me) with my therapist…….he continually reminded me to NEVER FORGET who I am. Keep balanced, but fight the battle HOW I must…..
He totally agreed when I embarrased revealed to him some of my tactics…..
NO, it doesn’t feel right, normal or okay…..but trust me….when you start seeing results, you’ll see it pay off and be okay with it….
It’s all about ending the business side of the relationshiop with as little damage on your side as possible……
He’s looking at it as…..It’s either YOU or HIm…..and it’s gonna be him…..
You need to look at it the same way….except….it’s gonna be YOU!!!
Don’t expect him to ‘like’ it…..it ain’t about him….fuck him…..
He views you this way!!!
Listen to my theme song…..on Youtube….
By lily allen…..it’s called Fuck YOU.
You just gotta take a deep breath and empower yourself….and fight like hell to show them, they can’t control you.
YOUR IN CONTROL!!!
Ya see, they have spent all those years feeling in control, so your breakup is no different in his mind….he already knows your kind heart and what you will and will not do.
(HE THINKS)…
This is where ya gotta ‘shake it up’….make yourself so unpredictable…..it throws him off balance…..
At this point, the ex s can not predict anything I will do….except report any sighting of him near us to police…..and never give him an inch…..
He filed for divorce as i was diagnosed with Cancer and doing RAI treatemnets…..thinking I would be so down and unable to fight…..OH HOW HE WAS WRONG…..I didn’t go ‘fetal’ in the corner, as I could have easily……I WENT RAMBO…..
FULL STEAM AHEAD……into divorce court…..documenting, producing and researching…..
End result….I came out with everything…..(except the golf clubs, jet ski and cookbooks) OF WHICH he never collected and I jsut transferred ski into my Name last week……fuck him…..I am not his storage facility either……
Ya snooze ya looze…..
I beleive you gotta play tough…..study them, research the behaviors an d pay attention.
Take NO PRISONERS approach…..
because this is how they fight……dirty, mean and nasty….
You can keep it clean, no illegal stuff…..and he will expose himself in the end….
YOU NEED PATIENCE and self control…..and settle in for a several year battle….it’s never quick…..
Mine took a year……and it is gruelling…..tedious….etc….
BUT…the growth you will discover will catapult you into your future…..
I’m a different person……and I LIKE WHO I AM!!!!
I AM WOMAN…..hear me roar!!!!
Thank you EB for the inspiration, we after all have learned from the best…. I used to tell my ex Spath/Narc…. I learned from you…….I can fight for my rights … good does usually prevail evil , and Karma is a bitch…. they will get theirs someday one way or the other and they have no one who will rescue them…cept new fresh meat I mean victims…..