UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following from a reader who we’ll refer to as “Tanya” about her experience of trying to expose the sociopath.
I was 35 when I met my sociopath — we’ll call him Dave. I was in a top twenty graduate business program — a magnet for narcissists and sociopaths, by the way! A culture that so prizes appearances, financial accumulation, and power must seem irresistible to people with those disorders.
Dave seemed so great at first — attentive, interesting, intelligent, open, honest, fun. My friends warned that he was too flirty — but I only took that as a sign that he was desirable and, hey, I won him over when others had failed.
We were off and on for a few months — the usual drama of dating a pure sociopath took its toll right away. He did very scary things early on, like drink and drive, show up at my door in the middle of the night, call a dozen times a night, etc. etc. In the alcoholic daze that is your typical business school culture, his behavior didn’t stand out as much as it might in real life — but it really should have at the time.
He’s engaged
Finally we broke it off completely. Then one night I got a call from him — he was in Brazil on holiday (he lived there for a few years before coming to Business School) and he was calling to tell me that he was engaged to a girl he’d met there. He put her on the phone so that she could be reassured that he was no longer involved with me. I thought it was crazy, but in my own attempts to CONTROL the crazy (always the first mistake), I took it upon myself to tell his friends at school about the call. I framed it like “Congratulate Dave! He tells me he’s engaged!” He was furious with me when he came back and his friends no doubt thought I was insane.
Later, his “fiance” called me a few times trying to find him. I “googled” her name on my computer — again in an attempt to control the crazy— and found that he had been emailing her from my computer during the time we were dating. Then I found emails he had sent to a sex tourism site called Club Hombre. Over the previous two or three years, he had posted HUNDREDS of emails to this site, explaining his sexual exploits with prostitutes all over the world. His “fiance” was a prostitute. On the boards, he talked a lot about having unprotected sex with prostitutes in Rio and Turkey (both high HIV areas).
I reported what happened
I was so petrified. I went to the school clinic and explained my situation. The nurse told me that I had a one in thirty two chance of having HIV and I had to wait a week for test results to come back (thankfully, negative). During that week I went to my school counselor (a 27 year old kid new on the job) and tried to explain my situation. I brought in print-outs of the postings Dave had made to the sex site, and a note from the clinic explaining the risks he had exposed me to. I wanted to somehow get this guy on record before he put other women in our school at risk, even if it meant humiliating myself. The counselor was skeptical. He asked me if I wanted to file a restraining order and I said “no.” I thought that would only make things worse.
As per procedure, he had to bring Dave in as well. When he asked Dave if HE wanted to file a restraining order, Dave said “yes!” So, as a reward for my efforts to work within the system, I got a restraining order filed against ME for harassing DAVE. One of the worst days of my life.
Can’t control the crazy
That was three years ago, and I still definitely bear the scars of the experience. I try to put the details out of my mind and, even as I read this, I can’t believe it happened.
I do my best to not fault myself for getting involved in the first place. As so many others on your site have said, I was behaving normally in an abnormal situation. What I DO fault myself for is trying to CONTROL the crazy. Every time I tried to control it and expose the sociopath, I only made things worse for myself. The true trauma wasn’t the stuff that happened between me and him, but the stuff that happened when I tried to expose him to others. It was so awful to see how easily sociopaths can bend the system to their will. Before then, I believed I lived in a just, fair world and that I could trust the system to protect me when I needed it. After Dave, I know now that I have to protect MYSELF.
When I’m philosophical about it, I just think that it’s only human to want to believe that we live in an ordered, just world. We want to believe it so much that we ignore the disorder and unfairness RIGHT IN FRONT OF US, and this blind spot is where the sociopath functions. I’m so thankful that I emerged with much less damage than some others. I only wish that there was a way to constructively deal with this — to raise awareness about sociopathy in the same way that people raise awareness about cancer or drug abuse.
Thank you again for your site — it was cathartic to share my story.
Learn more: How to report your abuser’s crimes so the police take you seriously
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Dec. 16, 2009.
I think it takes a certain breed to take on a sociopath, especially when you are talking about the court system, & ESPECIALLY if the sociopath is digging their heels in for a fight.
It’s like Marlon Brando said in “Godfather Part 2”, “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
You are going to need close access to your Cluster B, in order to take him/her down.
That’s where your most precious evidence will be.
If it’s something you are doing in a moment of anger, or on a whim….you will probably end up with egg all over your face, or worse.
When exposing Cluster B’s, you NEVER telegraph what you are going to do in advance. That would be suicide.
So, if you are going to do it, DO IT. And play for keeps.
Like Erin Brock says, “It’s either you or him.”
Personally, for me to do something like that, I want the game to be over before I even step into the courtroom.
And, I want to be the WINNER.
In other words, I want overwhelming evidence in my favor, and I want my lawyers telling me that it’s a “slam dunk”.
I am not leaving my fate, or the fate of my loved ones in the hands of some uneducated judge who falls for crocodile tears, if I can help it.
I was sad at Christmas this year too but then I started to think about-last year when we were together, we had our Christmas on the 23rd because he was home with the wife and daughter instead of with me and I had to work at our job without him and be away from my family. I was a basketcase on Christmas day. This year I was thankful that I didn’t spend the day crying over him and having to deal with him being with HER. I did try to expose my spath as well and it was a bad idea. I lost and had to put off my dream career because he left me. I was going to the police academy and it was a paycut. He had promised me that he would help out with money so I could make the change. He bailed on me right before my classes actually started and I had to drop. I was so painful to me. Now I am back in the career that I hate to earn the money to downsize and go back. My police captain knew about the spath because he had threatened me and blackmailed me and wanted to get me kicked out. She helped me with the no-contact. We put the whole documentation in internal affairs with his name attached to it. That way they would just blow him off if he tried to sabotage me. He discarded me and wanted to keep me away. I emailed his best friend who is also his boss. I was hoping that since he had two daughters, I could appeal to him. Wrong-found out that HE is just as much the spath as my ex. My ex called and e-mailed me threatening me for exposing him and wanted to take me to court for damaging his reputation. My captain said ” I am giving you a direct order to no longer entertain him or try to bring him down. You are to have no contact-no matter what”. That fixed that. The spath of course told his buddy that I was the crazy one and that I had borderline disorder. His buddy even told the ex’s wife that I had been driving past HIS house-BIG FAT LIE! I’m crazy? Hi pot, I’m kettle, nice to meet you. This man built our whole relationship on lies and deceit and took advantage of me because I was lonely, naive, and had minimal relationships. It’s amazing what they get away with and think they can get away with. All I can see is-payback’s a bitch and I pray everyday that KARMA will bite him in the ass-SOON!!!!!!!!
I tried to expose Jim. It backfired. No one sees anything wrong with him. They looked badly at me instead.
He picks good friends. While he is a user and abuser. His friends are tight in their alliance with him.
That happens Jeannie, I wish it didn’t but it DOES! Sometimes we win,, sometimes they win, but in the end, they are still what they ARE and we can recover! (((Hugs)))) So, sometimes just surviving makes you a winner!
Tanya & Everyone,
Thank you for sharing your story and your insight, “We want to believe it so much that we ignore the disorder and unfairness RIGHT IN FRONT OF US, and this blind spot is where the sociopath functions.” This is a great explanation of what I have been trying to figure out. I can explain what I should have seen as red flags now that I explained away as reasonable then. I am so glad you came out for the better on the other side! What is your experience with spotting the spath in your personal life now? I wonder if I will ever be able to trust…
To expose a S/P/N is as difficult as it is to communicate with them. All they care about is how they are perceived and they will continue to spin to anyone who will listen and they always make sure they will win. Thank God for good friends and those who are true to me and intelligent enough to see (AND NOT PLAY) the game.
Even when I have a friends ear, I do not bad mouth the P/S/N too much & I certainly don’t out him for being “psycho.” To what end would I do that? To make myself sound like a dime store psychologist, to disparage my child’s father, to desperately attempt to have others see the evil I see, to make myself sound like a woman scorned. Truthfully, I am so glad this relationshit is coming to an end that I am certainly not scorned–I am relieved. The truth will come to them as it did to me and I am here for those who are here for me.
I found the most effective strategy to respond to their pathology (I am certain No Contact is the BEST choice, but I am co-parenting here–love to me, people!) is: no eye contact, disengaged, disinterest in their conversation or anything about them, change the subject away from them when you are trapped into a conversation (they’ll quickly lose interest), call their bluffs with syrupy sweetness, communicate electronically to create a running record, disengage when they attempt to manipulate you emotionally, do not let them in the door (someone said here that they’re like zombies, they have to be invited in–hahaha), establish and maintain your boundaries, show no weakness. God, No Contact would be so great–I hate all this manipulation, but each day is getting better and I am getting stronger.
One last thing…because we have LF and supportive kindred spirits here, we don’t have to out these people to result in further damage to our psyche, family, etc. I can’t thank you all enough for the strength you have provided.
Fearless tonight!
Fearless:
your advice is great!
One thing I do disagree with (In my experience) is eye contact.
Both the spaths i’ve dealt with HATED me maintining eye contact.
I made a point of making eye contact….and showing CONTROL.
They both cowed down and looked away….that body language gave me ‘power’ over the conversations….or proceedings, or encounter.
When I noticed this, I continued……with confidence, held my head up high…..and portrayed myself with great confidence…..even though I was scared chitless a few times.
It allowed me to remian in control of our ‘encounter’….or at least appear this way. They didn’t know any better.
Not a stare down, not a conversation type look (as in I was interested in what they had to say)….I had an in control of myself type of confident look……and never took my eyes off em…..
In court, the businesss spath was taken off balance when he was testifying…..I NEVER once looked away. I moved my chair to face him directly….not the judge….and ‘listen’ intently….he kept looking out the corner of his eyes and got flustered. He lost track of what he was saying and flumbled up……and then the judge started asking him questions he couldn’t answer……then his nostrils started to flare……..
IT WAS CLASSIC.
I think Eye contact (like body language) is important…..but the interest has to be on US…..not give the impression we are interested in them…..but it goes along with the body language.
Not having eye contact may show we could be intimidated…..it’s important to show contrary.
Go get em fearless…..and look him straight in the eyes…..with confidence!
I agree. Getting your inner psychopath on means learning to execute the predatory stare…Make sure they recognize it for what it is. Actually, breaking eye contact first is a sign of submission, and they will go for your throat!
But exercise good judgement in this as in anything else…If you think you’re in danger, don’t push it.
I’m jumping on with Erin Brock and Kim Frederick regarding eye contact.
Once again, psychos do NOT have a patent on staring.
Anyone can do it. It’s not that difficult.
Just a cold, blank stare is all you need to put someone back on their heels, whether they are disordered or not.
I would NOT try to “stare down” a psycho who is already locked into “stare mode” first, though.
If you are the one being stared at, I would do something else like scan him/her from head to toe and then say something like, “You’re staring….are you all right?”
If you consider the starer dangerous and capable of doing physical harm, I would not do anything.
I would just pretend like I didn’t notice the stare, and back out of the situation as quickly as possible.
If it is difficult for you to turn off your emotions and stare at someone, then I suggest engaging in some mental activities that require a “Game Face”, like poker.
Golf and tennis are also really great for developing mental toughness.
If you are not confident/mentally strong in golf or tennis, your whole game falls apart very quickly.
That’s why mentally tough players sometimes win out over the player who has more raw talent.
It turns into a battle of wills.
Look at what’s happened to Tiger Woods since the revelations about his personal life were exposed.
His golf game has sort of gone down the tubes…he’s certainly not playing at the level he once was.
Eye contact (even IF you are shaking ) is
demonstrating to them…they have lost control…(they couldn’t give a shit as it happens…well this one didn’t)
The P tried everything to regain control by flirting, getting cross, denying everything and then eventually in a corner surrounded by 4 witnesses he gave me back my stuff…but he wasn’t humiliated by it, he was the same…nothing changed…he did say once “go an get the car….stop standing there looking at me”…but I knew that was it…while I would get a few posessions back, and my documents…I would NEVER get my heart, trust and innocence back or ANY of the money (thousands) unless I tracked him down legally…I will never forget all the different behaviours he ‘wore’ trying out each one to get me off his back…and there was a warning in his eyes…keep getting infront of my face and I will have to dispose of you!!!I saw a chamelian, a sham, someone with no heart whatsoever…also a moron, idiot…nothing there behind the scenes except selfishness
The mediator shook as well …she said she didn’t know WHY she was so nervous (she had no reason to be…only she knew what was going on) She was fine…confident and in control until sitting across from him…and then she started dithering and trembling…he had a very strong “fuck you” energy wafting off him…his stare was so steady, he was SO calm, he had a mug of tea and his whole body was relaxed while the two of us were mulch!!!
I am shocked to the core at what he is capable of FAKING…I kept thinking if he can rob me in broad daylight, infront of his family and friends, make ME out to be a crazy woman…he can do anything….I do not want to spend another minute fighting evil like that…he can have the money with interest if he stays the hell away….and I would say he is delighted to stay away…I’m history…but for one moment I posed a problem to him, he handled it the same way as he would handle everything…mildly inconvenienced to oh well take your stuff back….oh well take me to court….oh well put me in jail…NOTHING gets to this man…nothing.
At least Tiger Woods golf game has been ‘disturbed’ and maybe he is a sex addict rather than a P… but also keep open the possibility he is acting, good advice from some well paid brain behind the scenes…look as if you have been affected to gain a more human public face …look as if you are human…how many of them pretend by mimicking human reactions to things yet not feel anything…???
If Tiger Woods wanted to appear human, I think a better approach may have been to take more time off from golf in an effort to save his marraige and work on his personal issues.
He never did that.
He jumped right back into his sport, and Elin had to love it or leave it.
Thank God she chose to leave it.
Tiger Woods intentionally NOT playing up to par on the golf course in order to prove he’s “human” and gain public support???…….NO WAY IN HELL.
He would NEVER do that.
Golf is the only thing he’s got left, and even that seems to be slipping away.