UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following from a reader who we’ll refer to as “Tanya” about her experience of trying to expose the sociopath.
I was 35 when I met my sociopath — we’ll call him Dave. I was in a top twenty graduate business program — a magnet for narcissists and sociopaths, by the way! A culture that so prizes appearances, financial accumulation, and power must seem irresistible to people with those disorders.
Dave seemed so great at first — attentive, interesting, intelligent, open, honest, fun. My friends warned that he was too flirty — but I only took that as a sign that he was desirable and, hey, I won him over when others had failed.
We were off and on for a few months — the usual drama of dating a pure sociopath took its toll right away. He did very scary things early on, like drink and drive, show up at my door in the middle of the night, call a dozen times a night, etc. etc. In the alcoholic daze that is your typical business school culture, his behavior didn’t stand out as much as it might in real life — but it really should have at the time.
He’s engaged
Finally we broke it off completely. Then one night I got a call from him — he was in Brazil on holiday (he lived there for a few years before coming to Business School) and he was calling to tell me that he was engaged to a girl he’d met there. He put her on the phone so that she could be reassured that he was no longer involved with me. I thought it was crazy, but in my own attempts to CONTROL the crazy (always the first mistake), I took it upon myself to tell his friends at school about the call. I framed it like “Congratulate Dave! He tells me he’s engaged!” He was furious with me when he came back and his friends no doubt thought I was insane.
Later, his “fiance” called me a few times trying to find him. I “googled” her name on my computer — again in an attempt to control the crazy— and found that he had been emailing her from my computer during the time we were dating. Then I found emails he had sent to a sex tourism site called Club Hombre. Over the previous two or three years, he had posted HUNDREDS of emails to this site, explaining his sexual exploits with prostitutes all over the world. His “fiance” was a prostitute. On the boards, he talked a lot about having unprotected sex with prostitutes in Rio and Turkey (both high HIV areas).
I reported what happened
I was so petrified. I went to the school clinic and explained my situation. The nurse told me that I had a one in thirty two chance of having HIV and I had to wait a week for test results to come back (thankfully, negative). During that week I went to my school counselor (a 27 year old kid new on the job) and tried to explain my situation. I brought in print-outs of the postings Dave had made to the sex site, and a note from the clinic explaining the risks he had exposed me to. I wanted to somehow get this guy on record before he put other women in our school at risk, even if it meant humiliating myself. The counselor was skeptical. He asked me if I wanted to file a restraining order and I said “no.” I thought that would only make things worse.
As per procedure, he had to bring Dave in as well. When he asked Dave if HE wanted to file a restraining order, Dave said “yes!” So, as a reward for my efforts to work within the system, I got a restraining order filed against ME for harassing DAVE. One of the worst days of my life.
Can’t control the crazy
That was three years ago, and I still definitely bear the scars of the experience. I try to put the details out of my mind and, even as I read this, I can’t believe it happened.
I do my best to not fault myself for getting involved in the first place. As so many others on your site have said, I was behaving normally in an abnormal situation. What I DO fault myself for is trying to CONTROL the crazy. Every time I tried to control it and expose the sociopath, I only made things worse for myself. The true trauma wasn’t the stuff that happened between me and him, but the stuff that happened when I tried to expose him to others. It was so awful to see how easily sociopaths can bend the system to their will. Before then, I believed I lived in a just, fair world and that I could trust the system to protect me when I needed it. After Dave, I know now that I have to protect MYSELF.
When I’m philosophical about it, I just think that it’s only human to want to believe that we live in an ordered, just world. We want to believe it so much that we ignore the disorder and unfairness RIGHT IN FRONT OF US, and this blind spot is where the sociopath functions. I’m so thankful that I emerged with much less damage than some others. I only wish that there was a way to constructively deal with this — to raise awareness about sociopathy in the same way that people raise awareness about cancer or drug abuse.
Thank you again for your site — it was cathartic to share my story.
Learn more: How to report your abuser’s crimes so the police take you seriously
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Dec. 16, 2009.
How the messages we hear all our lives keep us vulnerable to sociopaths
Kim Frederick, the parallel between fictional horror and real-life horror is difficult for most people to process. Over the last 2 weeks, I’ve been experiencing more of the consequences of having been married to the exspath, and I don’t want to go into the long list, right now. Suffice it to say that my son was extremely upset and was questioning how a person could get away with the things that the expath did and continues to do. I looked at him and said, “I’m not the first person that’s experienced this, and I won’t be the last, either. This is ‘true-life-horror’ and I want you to remember this. ‘True-life-horror’ means that someone is suffering through no fault of their own, and there isn’t any remedy or justice.”
NeverAgain33, I’m right with you. The exspath committed a Federal offense and he’s not going to face a single consequence as a result of his actions! He filed a restraining order against me because I lit out after him when it was confirmed that he had sustained a violent deviant lifestyle with at least one other person (and, quite likely in group gatherings) – something that I am NOT proud of and will never do, again. HE is looking like a “victim” ‘of domestic violence and abuse because he worked the whole thing out to unfold that way. Nevermind that he took tens of thousands from me, etc.!
What I think that we need to come to grips with is that these types of people PLAN their scams, abuse, and discard either down to the tiniest detail, or by general design. They CHOOSE victims who will be trusting, self-depricating, agreeable, and supportive, and they USE them to whatever ends that they wish, and THEY discard their victims as if they were soiled bathroom tissue. Once we can accept the simple facts that they NEVER loved us, that they are incapable of FEELING love, remorse, or any sense of responsibility, I believe that the No Contact is easier to accomplish and we can begin feeling the righteous anger that is part of the healing process.
Most know my story…..married a Spath and in 10 months he conned a female Pastor into believing everything he said that I was supposedly “doing” was happening, so he was painting me crazy while “loving” me to my face. Through the Pastor he has successfully cut me from my family friends and Church. When i tried to expose him….I did look crazy when I was trying to explain he drugged me and other things to accomplish this. To my face he would laugh and say “I am going to have you committed” and to others he would cry and say how much he loved me, and how he was so worried about me….but that I was broken from way back”. So evil!!
Well….I hadn’t been to any church in 2 years, and have had no contact with anyone I love except 2 sisters from out of town who came while this was happening and watched it unfold while they cared for me for 1 month………so I went to a Church 1 hours away from this because I knew the Pastor. I tried to tell him what had happened a little, but that I just needed to start a new life. He asked me to attend church that Sunday and the ladies group the following Friday night. It was the first contact I have had other than going to work and counceling in 2 years. It felt so healing…….then I got a call at 9:00 p.m. on a friday night! It was my Pastor friend, and he told me I could not attend their Church or womens group anymnore.That he had contacted this female Pastor,and that I had to go make it right with this Pastor that is completely under the control of the Spath. That he would not even meet me to discuss it in detail until I had gone to counseling!!
It has gotten so much worse for me since I tried to confront the Spath, and the Pastor who bought into his charm and tears. Then to try to say in this community that a Pastor made a mistake….. has disfellowshipped me in the Christian community as I am labeled a rebel, crazy, and unwilling to submit to authority for trying to tell what really happened….. Because I was drugged and he was cryng and manipulating and controlling the situation.
So back to alone…….except my LF friends. This is a horror story that not even Stephen King could have thought up!
Bellaangel, my most sincere healing blessings to you.
I have found that organized religious groups are one of the BEST trolling grounds for spaths outside of the internet. I have seen great support from these groups during times of loss and grief, and I have also seen these same groups turn their backs on people like us who are in dire need and disdain the Truth as crazy-talk and attempts to smear a “Good Christian.”
Our need to find community and engage in healing can really cloud what’s most pragmatic for us, at the time. Perhaps, if there is no support group available in your area, you could START one with your counselor’s guidance.
Whatever happens from this point on, it’s going to be under your own power, Bellaangel. This is about you and your healing path, NOT what a bunch of other people dictate to be appropriate or acceptable. You are valuable and precious in this Universe, and never forget it!
HUGS
Bella, I’m so sorry this happened to you again.
There are two common elements in each of your stories: You and a church pastor. Since you can’t eliminate the “You” in the story, you need to eliminate the “church” part. Somehow, the church has become your stumbling block.
I know that church is part of your life and important to you, but I think that, FOR NOW, you should find other groups of people to be with who are NOT connected to any churches. The only safe place for you to tell your story is here, at LF, and in therapy. Because everyone else just seems to think it’s drama. They don’t understand the work of the P’s beneath it.
So please, find a therapist who understands about P’s, if you can and then find a group of nice atheists to hang with. Who knows, your Christianity might rub off on them.
My x husband was a navy recruiter for the first five yeaars of our marriage. Everyone knew him as “Fred”. One night, twenty-three years ago, I dreamed I was in a park on a spring day, with flowers blooming and children with balloons…all was just wonderful…everyone of my senses was delighted…beautiful, beautiful day. Then, suddenly, and with no warning, everything changed. It became dark and forboding…I was really scared of something. Then, I realized there was a stranger beside me, and he was dressed in my husbands dress whites. This became lucid…I knew I was dreaming, and struggled to wake up. Finally, I did. I lay awake for a while, but eventually fell asleep again, only to repeat the entire good dream to night mare scenario.
I was, at that time taking a “dream interpretation” course through my University, so this dream became gist for my mill.
I was still in the denial stage of my journey, but that denial was coming to an abrupt end. I was becoming more and more aaware that my husband was cheating, and doing it in such a way that I could no longer deny it. I was also trying to understand what happened to my super hero, who loved me so much. How could he become this cold indifferent jerk who seemed absolutely removed from any consern he should have had, about how he was hurting me.
I realized that the night before I had the dream, we had watched a “Nightmare on Elm Street” movie. (totally out of charactor for me, I don’t usually like horror.) The whole ppremise of the movieis that if a particular monstrous man aappears in your dreams, he will become a reality. I realized that this monstrous man was named Freddy Kruger. Then with a mounting sense of dread realized the names simularity to my husbands…he was, “Fred the recruiter.” Goose flesh.
What was so interesting was how I woke up out of a nightmare, only to be lulled back in, by the beautifull spring day scenario. This is all so symbolic, but in reality it encoded everytrhing that was happening to me in my life at that time. My Psych professor who taught the dream interp class was always saying that a dream was the breakthrough into consciousness, of anything that was previously, unconscious.
This dream made me aware that the nightmare was real.
I agree with Skylar, Bella. Stay away from both churches. NC both pastors. You have a direct link to the source, anyway. Say your prayers, and continue in your faith, but get the devil behind thee….so to speak. They are hinderences on your healing path.
Bella,
I agree with Sky’s advice. Don’t be too worried about not finding spiritual satisfaction with agnostics and atheists – values, support, and spiritual experience can be found both in religious as well as non-believers, and can be discussed. As long as you don’t get into a debate about the existence of God, most will understand spiritual feelings (they just use different explanations and vocabulary). What atheists and agnostics dislike the most is some person being a spiritual authority over others, that is organized church. But personal development, finding meaning in life experience, destiny, loss, humanistic values, philosophy, and mental and spiritual techniques are key and questions and experiences all normal people have and struggle with, whatever their theistic beliefs are. 🙂
Bella,
I am sorry for your loss of church. But for now, as other’s have urged, letting go may be the best strategy. Many of us have been left with the decision to go NC with our ‘community’, be it spiritual or otherwise. I did.
What I can say is that I found other ways to feed my soul, once I let go and created the space for new people and experiences to fill. Not to say I didn’t have periods of intense grief over leaving my old community….but that grief was transformed, over time, and the new experiences and people have taken my heart and spirit to new and wonderful places.
(((hugs))), Slim
I agree with you all, ….. love and hugs, and your words are truth.
My motivation originally was not to attend “church” ….I had hoped that someone could help me,someone who knows me….. by exposing the Spath and the female Pastor, and through it regain my relationship with my kids. She told my kids not to have anything to do with me until I put myself under her…and my kids won’t meet with me without her there….and she is controlled by the Spath so therefore I have lived without my kids for 2 years. That’s the only reason I attempted this in the first place, as I thought, maybe, my friend would allow me to share what had happened in a safe place, and help me. I thought if I brought it in the light she would be exposed along with him. WRONG! the SPath controls everything even from 2 states away. She and all my loved ones are on his facebook….and he thought of everything.
She literally blocked me from every person without ONE time asking me what the truth was, or telling me what he was saying in secret to her! How can anyone have so much power?? Even in the world’s system you get an opportunity to defend youself, and are not guilty until proven. But in this Church system all the Spath had to do was lie,cry, deny and manipulate a Pastor. I will never forget the first time he got her to believe him over me (before I knew what his intent was) and he kept saying over and over, all night “she believed ME!” (like in your face….i was confused over his reaction ,untill now) He also would say he “had her summed up in 10 mins.” (in other words how to manipulate her).
Unbelievable….i literally walked on eggshells to be everything he could possible need, and he was ….behind my back….. painting me as a psycho while he did teen porn and masqueraded as a leader. I never even was a “B” to him! I just gave and gave…….laying my life down for my husband.
So no, I won’t be going that way again…..it is obvious if you have a difference of opinion you are not allowed to question the judgement of the Pastor or you are locked out of the church system and judged a heretic (which is nothing short of an occult.) This female Pastor has so much title and position, and if you looked at her facebook account is literally has 100 pictures or HER! So is beautiful and obviously narcicistic. I am thankful that my faith is in my heart, and I do not need a Church or pastor to be connected to it.
Just always looking for away to expose him,and try to regain my children that he has brainwashed and lied to. This door was slammed closed, so I will continue to pray, and take it out of my hands. There is literally nothing else I can try.
Hugs to you all……. and thank you. You have no idea what a help it is when you post something and others take the time to respond ( well….maybe you do 🙂 ) Hugs!
Bella, have you googled “religious abuse” or “spiritual abuse”? You might find some of the articles helpful or insightful. There is a wealth of them on line.