UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following from a reader who we’ll refer to as “Tanya” about her experience of trying to expose the sociopath.
I was 35 when I met my sociopath — we’ll call him Dave. I was in a top twenty graduate business program — a magnet for narcissists and sociopaths, by the way! A culture that so prizes appearances, financial accumulation, and power must seem irresistible to people with those disorders.
Dave seemed so great at first — attentive, interesting, intelligent, open, honest, fun. My friends warned that he was too flirty — but I only took that as a sign that he was desirable and, hey, I won him over when others had failed.
We were off and on for a few months — the usual drama of dating a pure sociopath took its toll right away. He did very scary things early on, like drink and drive, show up at my door in the middle of the night, call a dozen times a night, etc. etc. In the alcoholic daze that is your typical business school culture, his behavior didn’t stand out as much as it might in real life — but it really should have at the time.
He’s engaged
Finally we broke it off completely. Then one night I got a call from him — he was in Brazil on holiday (he lived there for a few years before coming to Business School) and he was calling to tell me that he was engaged to a girl he’d met there. He put her on the phone so that she could be reassured that he was no longer involved with me. I thought it was crazy, but in my own attempts to CONTROL the crazy (always the first mistake), I took it upon myself to tell his friends at school about the call. I framed it like “Congratulate Dave! He tells me he’s engaged!” He was furious with me when he came back and his friends no doubt thought I was insane.
Later, his “fiance” called me a few times trying to find him. I “googled” her name on my computer — again in an attempt to control the crazy— and found that he had been emailing her from my computer during the time we were dating. Then I found emails he had sent to a sex tourism site called Club Hombre. Over the previous two or three years, he had posted HUNDREDS of emails to this site, explaining his sexual exploits with prostitutes all over the world. His “fiance” was a prostitute. On the boards, he talked a lot about having unprotected sex with prostitutes in Rio and Turkey (both high HIV areas).
I reported what happened
I was so petrified. I went to the school clinic and explained my situation. The nurse told me that I had a one in thirty two chance of having HIV and I had to wait a week for test results to come back (thankfully, negative). During that week I went to my school counselor (a 27 year old kid new on the job) and tried to explain my situation. I brought in print-outs of the postings Dave had made to the sex site, and a note from the clinic explaining the risks he had exposed me to. I wanted to somehow get this guy on record before he put other women in our school at risk, even if it meant humiliating myself. The counselor was skeptical. He asked me if I wanted to file a restraining order and I said “no.” I thought that would only make things worse.
As per procedure, he had to bring Dave in as well. When he asked Dave if HE wanted to file a restraining order, Dave said “yes!” So, as a reward for my efforts to work within the system, I got a restraining order filed against ME for harassing DAVE. One of the worst days of my life.
Can’t control the crazy
That was three years ago, and I still definitely bear the scars of the experience. I try to put the details out of my mind and, even as I read this, I can’t believe it happened.
I do my best to not fault myself for getting involved in the first place. As so many others on your site have said, I was behaving normally in an abnormal situation. What I DO fault myself for is trying to CONTROL the crazy. Every time I tried to control it and expose the sociopath, I only made things worse for myself. The true trauma wasn’t the stuff that happened between me and him, but the stuff that happened when I tried to expose him to others. It was so awful to see how easily sociopaths can bend the system to their will. Before then, I believed I lived in a just, fair world and that I could trust the system to protect me when I needed it. After Dave, I know now that I have to protect MYSELF.
When I’m philosophical about it, I just think that it’s only human to want to believe that we live in an ordered, just world. We want to believe it so much that we ignore the disorder and unfairness RIGHT IN FRONT OF US, and this blind spot is where the sociopath functions. I’m so thankful that I emerged with much less damage than some others. I only wish that there was a way to constructively deal with this — to raise awareness about sociopathy in the same way that people raise awareness about cancer or drug abuse.
Thank you again for your site — it was cathartic to share my story.
Learn more: How to report your abuser’s crimes so the police take you seriously
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Dec. 16, 2009.
How the messages we hear all our lives keep us vulnerable to sociopaths
Hi there. Sorry to hear of your troubles. It sounds as if your ex spath has found an ally. I wonder if they are able to seek each other out and join forces when needs be, almost as if there is a hidden war going on. I hope that as we gain more information and the internet allows it to be found by more people, then we can fight on equal terms by arming our selves and our children with knowledge. Truly it is good vs evil.
Exposing the Spath is impossible when they are protected by a Pastor….and a church system. Then the Pastor uses her power of influence over your children….soley based on the Spath who read her and used her as a pawn for ambient abuse. Now, he bows out to go find his next victim and has the Pastor to continue to place HIS influence over every area of my life. He convinced her that “I always played the victim” when we never even had a disagreement…….everything was being done by him covertly……so that now when I TRY to expose him/her….it is said “I am playing the victim.” No….i am not, I just want their influence and lies out of my family and to do that I wanted one opportunity to explain what really happened…….
Unblelievable. Seriously unbelievable that people think they can have this kind of power over another, and not even treat you as a human being in God’s name.!!?
…..I will sit alone the mother of 4 this Easter, and it will be my 3rd one since this awful day in 2010….While they get together … Not playing the victim here, it is just the truth.
All attempts to expose the Spath have ONLY worked against me. All attempts to get other churches to look into what this Pastor has done has only caused me to be shut out further….. I can’t believe it, but live it everyday. The PTSD and the trauma.
I am not the first one he has done this too…..but by drugging me, I am the first one he succeeded in doing THIS too.
So I will end with……any attempts to expose a Spath will not ever work in your favor if they are experienced!!!
It’s more like ‘Check Mate’ and there is no where to move, once they have you where they want you……
Bella,
please read Mel’s article of today. It might give you some inspiration.
I’m really really sorry for what your ex and this pastor have done, ever since I first read your story of them alienating your children away from you. You sound beaten down. But I wonder sometimes if you ever feel indignation towards this pastor over it, or do you feel more victimized? You were victimized of course. There’s no denying that.
But your story permeats with this feeling of victimization and of trying to be accepted by the environment as a victim.
Unfortunately, I think we’ve all eperienced that it rarely gets a good response, nor does it empower us or makes us feel better. When we act and portray ourselves as victims when we actually are victims, it doesn’t evoke pity, but makes people think we’re weak, untrustworthy and easy to bully or push aside.
I think it IS of the UTMOST importance to you that you find a way to see yourself not just as a victim, but as a person who has all their faculties and own it for yourself. It is of the UTMOST importance to return to your center, so you can get back in touch with your inner power.
When you get back in touch with your inner power, you THEORETICALLY have the ability to look that pastor straight in the eye and calmly and friendly tell her that what she did and does to you is wrong and she needs to read the bible a hundred times more in silent contemplation and wondering how Jezus would judge her actions, before considering leading another congregation. In my mind’s eye you would then just turn around and walk away with your bags packed and leave her standing in the dust, gaping at you, because you don’t care anymore about her or the community that goes along with her, except for what you belief to be right and wrong.
(I’m not saying you should do exactly that, but find ways in your life to find that inner strength in you so that in theory you would be able to do that)
Bella, what I’m trying to say is that it is NOT check mate, not unless you give up on YOURSELF. You’re not dead. You live and your children live too. Believe in yourself! Believe that you have an inner moral compass and how that moral compass is what can make you SO STRONG it automatically leaves all bullies gaping at you in the leftover dust.
My atheist wish for you is that you can find that wealth of inner strength in you!
Bella,
Darwinsmom is exactly right.
What I have learned throughout all this ordeal is that we suffer because we played their game. it’s not checkmate if you aren’t playing chess. That’s why I say, “get up and walk away from the sandbox”
Sometimes it’s hard to do. You had invested so much time and energy into it. But I think that when you do, you leave the kiddies behind – and yes that includes your own children – and move on to real human beings who welcome you into a world of compassionate adults who don’t play with your emotions.
It’s not about who is the victim and who is the winner if you refuse to participate. Remember, the spath’s entire mission was to make you feel bad. But he can’t do that if you own your perspective and refuse to feel bad.
Once you do this, you might find that your children see you with new eyes and they’ll come to you.
I’m lying in bed and I keep thinking about what I tried to tell you, Bella, and compare it with a story of present seasonal importance that may resonate with you.
I’m sorry if the following is blasphemous to Christians, but I was thinking about the symbolism of the passover story of Jezus and how it could empower you!
Before Jezus arrived in Jerusalem, he was a man telling people not to judge other, not to throw the first stone. Then he arrrived at the holy city and the temple (the holiest of the holiest in his eyes) and was shocked to see what the spaths (the Pharisees who were in power) did to it, he was indignified (it’s a feeling of anger, but based on moral compass, not narcistic feelings) over it. He showed his indignation, acting against it, and made the spaths his enemies. At first he thought he could make a difference that way, or that he could use the axe to cut off the dead wood, only to learn that he was to be martyred, like a willing lamb brought to the slaughter… the ultimate spath (Pilate) condemned him to the cross. So political and religious powerheads victimized and tortured him, and the mob (the followers, the fence sitters, the congregation) piled up some more torture and rejection with their booing and thorn crown. And this “good, righteous” person was martyred and nailed to the cross, rejected by power and the people. Even his some of his supporters dissociated from him, not wanting the rabble to know they were his friends.
Did Jezus feel victimized and martyred? He sure did, because in the moment of deepest despair he felt it was check-mate too and asked his god why he had forsaken him. He felt alone, abandoned, utterly rejected, even by those he counted on. Even if he had gone willingly, believing it to be a plan, the pain of victimization was utterly real to him.
The magic symbolism in the story lies not in the martyrdom, but in what followed after… it lies in the resurrection, for me symbolically similar to the rebirth of a phoenix. He came back to himself, to his faith in what was right. He found his strength back, his center, and in doing so, he became something bigger than he was before he was victimized. And before long he gained more followers than anyone else could ever had dreamed off. What were the Pharisees, Pilate and the mob to him after he found his true inner strength? And after his resurrection, the finding of his center, his new view of the world, he got a seat next to his father and gained the right and duty to judge people’s hearts and souls. He gained the ability, power and right to send those away from his environment (heaven) who he cannot stomach (to hell).
Again, I’m sorry if I offend anyone by using this bible story, but I think, Bella, that as a Christian you might gain self-empowerment out of it. You were tortured by the spath, judged and condemned by the pastor, and rejected by the congregation. Even your own children whom you counted on for support dissociated from you. You sought help elsewhere, but like Pilate, they’re telling you to disown the truth, bow your head and play along in the charade. And you feel as if nailed to a cross and martyred. It’s time to step off and resurrect, Bella, and join in the seat of judging the good people from the bad ones, and removing the bad ones out of your life.
*Skylar stands up and applauds*
Very nice Darwinsmom.
…thank you I will receive this from you both. I said checkmate because he was planning this when I had no clue. I have been victimized as I am the 4th one he has done this too….but I do not want to stay a victim. I have built a business, gotten 20,000 out of debt the spath left me in and held a job down despite the losses and dealing with the ptsd……and have stood my ground knowing who i am, despite what he has tried to do….i do not sit around crying all the time.
I am indignant over it, but in wanting to walk this out in a correct manner,,,,i was looking for ways that I could CONFRONT the Pastor and deal with it. when you are unable to deal with it in the manner that my heart would want, which is in a way as darwinsmom said….you become frustrated!
I have used the blog to get the toxic feelings out,and when you do not talk to anyone on a daily basis about it, I am still piecing together HOW I could have let this happen. I am trying to learn how to regain my power when I am not allowed to confront this head on.
I do believe and pray and trust and hope and walk this out every other minute of the day…. looking and praying for beauty to come from the ashes and life to come from the death… I let it go into the Lords hands, but look for ways in how I can take this evil on, as I am not afraid of it….. or of confronting them.
i was sharing the frustration of what can happen when your trying to expose the spath makes things worse.
Bella, I wish there was a way that you could get your family to see the truth…it is painful when those that you love disavow you, devalue you….think you are lying.
But it also says something that maybe we dont’ want to hear or see about those we love (in your case and in my case our children) and that is maybe they are not the kind of people we wish they were, that they were raised to be. It hurts me that my son C (who is not a psychopath) but he is not the kind of man I want as a friend…he is not the kind of man I wish he was. He stood by while the rest of the family tried to drive me from my home. What kind of a “loving” son does that to his mother? Not the kind of man I want as a friend, regardless of the DNA connection.
Sure, admitting this, seeing this was painful…incredibly painful, but accepting it has set me free from that pain. I realize I can’t change the way he is. I also can’t change the way the ministers I dealt with think either…though one of those is under charges for pedophilia himself…but the other one, the one who reminds me of the Pharisees, he wil lnever believe anything except that I am “crazy.” But that’s okay, I now the truth. He does not have the authority to judge me, ,but I can SEE the fruit that falls at the foot of his “tree.” It is rotten.
Yep Oxy… . These ministers should have been used as instruments of grace,love and healing but were no different than the Pharisees were in Jesus time,but I know not all ministers are this way…. but each night instead I turn them over to God and am learning to trust he will vindicate the situation in His way, and in His time since all my attempts have been blocked.Since I tried to confront and can’t it is a greater test to lay down what I would want to do, and TRuST! I realize it may not be until heaven, or He may instrument something as His way are Higher than our ways….but He knows.
…..as far as my children go, I know their hearts. They were raised to love, trust and believe the best in people. I fell for his mask, so I cannot give up on them yet. The spath let me see his mask fall,to hurt me more…but they have not seen that yet. Just as most who come to this site did not know about spaths until their experience with them….his mask has not fallen in front of them, YET. I am waiting and praying for them to return from the snare the enemy set. With that said, I am having to accept their actions and it hurts. I expected more as a Mom,but they have been deeply hurt and their worlds have been rocked. I hope I don’t have to walk your pain through as it is unbelievable what you have endured.
Dear Bella,
I too hope tht your children “see the light” and realize what has happened and that they truly CARE. How a child is “raised” isn’t always how they turn out.
Jesus said that there would be “wolves in sheep’s clothing” come into his flock…and unfortunately he was RIGHT in that matter (as in all matters) and way too many “churches” are lead by the modern day equivalent of the Pharisees. People wiithout consciences.
It may take you a while to find a congregation that you are comfortable in and that will believe your story…or it may come to a point where you no longer have to “tell” your story, but can VALIDATE IT YOURSELF. God bless. (((hugs)))