UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following from a reader who we’ll refer to as “Tanya” about her experience of trying to expose the sociopath.
I was 35 when I met my sociopath — we’ll call him Dave. I was in a top twenty graduate business program — a magnet for narcissists and sociopaths, by the way! A culture that so prizes appearances, financial accumulation, and power must seem irresistible to people with those disorders.
Dave seemed so great at first — attentive, interesting, intelligent, open, honest, fun. My friends warned that he was too flirty — but I only took that as a sign that he was desirable and, hey, I won him over when others had failed.
We were off and on for a few months — the usual drama of dating a pure sociopath took its toll right away. He did very scary things early on, like drink and drive, show up at my door in the middle of the night, call a dozen times a night, etc. etc. In the alcoholic daze that is your typical business school culture, his behavior didn’t stand out as much as it might in real life — but it really should have at the time.
He’s engaged
Finally we broke it off completely. Then one night I got a call from him — he was in Brazil on holiday (he lived there for a few years before coming to Business School) and he was calling to tell me that he was engaged to a girl he’d met there. He put her on the phone so that she could be reassured that he was no longer involved with me. I thought it was crazy, but in my own attempts to CONTROL the crazy (always the first mistake), I took it upon myself to tell his friends at school about the call. I framed it like “Congratulate Dave! He tells me he’s engaged!” He was furious with me when he came back and his friends no doubt thought I was insane.
Later, his “fiance” called me a few times trying to find him. I “googled” her name on my computer — again in an attempt to control the crazy— and found that he had been emailing her from my computer during the time we were dating. Then I found emails he had sent to a sex tourism site called Club Hombre. Over the previous two or three years, he had posted HUNDREDS of emails to this site, explaining his sexual exploits with prostitutes all over the world. His “fiance” was a prostitute. On the boards, he talked a lot about having unprotected sex with prostitutes in Rio and Turkey (both high HIV areas).
I reported what happened
I was so petrified. I went to the school clinic and explained my situation. The nurse told me that I had a one in thirty two chance of having HIV and I had to wait a week for test results to come back (thankfully, negative). During that week I went to my school counselor (a 27 year old kid new on the job) and tried to explain my situation. I brought in print-outs of the postings Dave had made to the sex site, and a note from the clinic explaining the risks he had exposed me to. I wanted to somehow get this guy on record before he put other women in our school at risk, even if it meant humiliating myself. The counselor was skeptical. He asked me if I wanted to file a restraining order and I said “no.” I thought that would only make things worse.
As per procedure, he had to bring Dave in as well. When he asked Dave if HE wanted to file a restraining order, Dave said “yes!” So, as a reward for my efforts to work within the system, I got a restraining order filed against ME for harassing DAVE. One of the worst days of my life.
Can’t control the crazy
That was three years ago, and I still definitely bear the scars of the experience. I try to put the details out of my mind and, even as I read this, I can’t believe it happened.
I do my best to not fault myself for getting involved in the first place. As so many others on your site have said, I was behaving normally in an abnormal situation. What I DO fault myself for is trying to CONTROL the crazy. Every time I tried to control it and expose the sociopath, I only made things worse for myself. The true trauma wasn’t the stuff that happened between me and him, but the stuff that happened when I tried to expose him to others. It was so awful to see how easily sociopaths can bend the system to their will. Before then, I believed I lived in a just, fair world and that I could trust the system to protect me when I needed it. After Dave, I know now that I have to protect MYSELF.
When I’m philosophical about it, I just think that it’s only human to want to believe that we live in an ordered, just world. We want to believe it so much that we ignore the disorder and unfairness RIGHT IN FRONT OF US, and this blind spot is where the sociopath functions. I’m so thankful that I emerged with much less damage than some others. I only wish that there was a way to constructively deal with this — to raise awareness about sociopathy in the same way that people raise awareness about cancer or drug abuse.
Thank you again for your site — it was cathartic to share my story.
Learn more: How to report your abuser’s crimes so the police take you seriously
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Dec. 16, 2009.
How the messages we hear all our lives keep us vulnerable to sociopaths
To CAmom: psychologist is a great occupation for a sociopath. They like mindgames, they enjoy manipulating people, they love controlling people’s, they like being considered as helpers and carers, and they’re looking for access to vulnerable women! It’s the perfect job really. My ex studied psychology. It is important for someone who does not have emotions to learn about them so that they can fake them, and manipulate others’.
Thanks for sharing your story Tanya. It illustrates just how expertly the sociopath can fool everyone and turn the tables to their own end. I can empathize with what you went through because I tried to do the same thing. The actions of the school counselor must have felt so defeating and demoralizing.
My situation was different in that my ex does not pose a deadly health risk (although I AM going to get myself tested because of his history of unsafe promiscuity), ‘just’ the usual psychological damage that Sociopaths inflict on their targets.
I tried to out my ex and it came back to bite me in the butt…badly.
I agree with Elizabeth. No one is going to thank you for ripping off their rose-colored glasses. Those who can see without them, will. Those who can’t will believe EVERY tactic in the Sociopaths arsenal and you will be branded the nut.
They KNOW you will try and out them. I’m sure others have tried before me. They also know how to make a pre-emptive strike and blacken you before you even think about outing them. The smear campaign of a sociopath is like being violated all over again, but now he’s got support energizing him.
They also have no conscience, which gives them the upper hand. In a battle between the ethical one following the rules and a monster, who do you think is gonna win? Especially when the monster is a master at morphing into whatever “good” image he wants.
It’s like dancing with the devil. I’m not doing it anymore.
I realize that I can’t save the world and I can’t save anyone else either. I CAN save myself though and that’s where it begins.
{{hugs}}…clearly
“Conley, maybe I’m confused are you saying that people want to out the S’s because they don’t have things to do with there own time? ”
Nope. I’m saying that getting the good life as quickly as possible is an effective distraction from obsessing over the scumbag. I’m also saying that obsessing about outing the scumbag is obsessing about the scumbag. Don’t obsess about the scumbag.
Start living your best possible life ASAP. That means NO MORE SCUMBAG. Live like s/he/it does not exist.
Dear 7 Steps,
You are NOT crazy, I too have short term memory problems from PTSD so if I “lose” something I always wonder if it is me not remembering (many times) but for you to come home abnd the box to be OPEN when you left it locked and half your meds gone, I don’t think is your poor memory.
I used to have a “friend” who was STEALINg small things from me, not valuable $$ wise but just because she wanted them and was a hoarder, I finally caught her and it tore me up because I loved this woman like a sister. It has been difficult for me to distance myself from both this woman and her husband but I am over the grief of that now and have set some strick limits, it is up to No Contact now.
I think you probably have LITTLE TO GAIN with this woman by confronting her, and I know that is difficult because in your heart you want to TELL HER OFF—but she does not care that you were in pain, she is obviously an addict when she can get pills. It happens, but she is NOT going to fess up to the thefts and it will only make the situation worse.
I suggest that you either hire movers or call on friends to get you moved out of that place as quickly as POSSIBLE. If you need to go stay with a friend (and take your medicine with you and any other valuable papers that she might be able to use the information off of)
Good luck, at least you finally caught on to what this woman is doing. It is not all that unusual (I am a retired nurse) and I have seen in in and out of the medical profession.
Keep coming here! This is a healing place. I know that fibro is painful and in some cases debilitating, but there are ways to improve your life! Right now, getting out of this situation will be a BIG improvement.
Thanks pollyanna, I know you would understand. I am afraid to come right out and confront her about it. I don’t want the situation to be more uncomfortable for me than it already is.
Yeah believe me I do know what professionals think about this – in years I have always stuck to my dosage and never took more than I have, usually less. I really have to take as little as possible because it exacerbates my depression. And for the nerve pain in my neck I could not even take enough to help, it doesn’t even work for that.
I don’t want to confront her about it, and I do not know if she used a key or picked the lock on my lockbox. Is it possible to pick these locks?
She took 4 or 5 of my sleep rx too and I can’t even say how dreadful the next 2 nights will be. Laying down and not even sleeping for 5 minutes out of 24 hours. Can’t even nap. It’s her fault and she is putting me through torture.
I never had a gut-check about this. I am now convinced that I don’t know what normal is. She has definitely used the flattery card on me, telling everyone she has the best roommate blah blah blah. I have believed every word of it. I am even thinking now how stupid she is because she can only blame herself when I leave. It doesn’t make for a very solid feeling.
I don’t know if she can get into my lockbox without the keys. I will wear the dern keys on a chain around my neck if I have to. I would feel better if I knew that it was safe to keep them there.
I will have to take out money from my retirement fund to be able to move, so that will take at least a month. At least I can get out over the holidays because my mom will be out of town and I can stay there for a few days. I cannot stay with her for any length of time because she lives in subsidised housing.
But she has to know that I know, at this point.
I feel I am better off if she has no information about what my plans are or that there are repercussions for her behavior.
I think people are right about it being a dangerous game to play with a sociopath or any kind of addict. Are they going to listen to reason? No.
7 Steps – you’ve got it. In a nutshell. Not particularly safe to confront and not particularly safe to stay there. Definitely protect what meds you have while you stay there. Is there another location you can store them at and just pick up your daily allowance? My colleague has a son with ADHD who is on Ritalin = turned out a while ago he was stealing way more than his dose from his stash and selling them to teenage friends. So she took the whole pack and stored them in a locked filing cabinet at work – he only ever got his daily dose doled out. That worked for quite a while, but then she left the cabinet unlocked and unattended for ten mins one day and he stole the lot.
I wonder if you might couch the missing pills in this way …
“I think we better call the Police … there has been a break in and half of my pills have been stolen.” What do you and others think? Or better leave it alone?
Just an idea – lets her know that YOU know while not pointing the finger directly at her … for all you know someone else COULD be stealing them??? I also wonder about asking your Doc for advice – maybe the pharmacy can dole them out differently = this might mean some slight hassle for you but might protect your pills. What I am referring to here is maybe picking up a day’s worth of tablets at a time. Or could you store them with your mother?
If you have an ultra clean record in terms of taking the prescribed dose and not asking for more, then you could contact your Doc and explain what has happened – ask for advice. Let them know you need a repeat to replace the missing tablets – these sorts of situations do happen from time to time and it isn’t your fault.
In the meantime – try to decompress – your pain will be much worse with all this stress going on – it will trip you back into hyper alertness and flood cortisol through your system. Try to keep mindful – in the present and apply moist heat to painful areas – a bath, a hot wheat pack, even a hot flannel or a soak in a spa at the swimming pool. For sleeping – a banana about an hour or so before bed does it for me! Others like warm milk – bananas are loaded with potassium. Your doc should replace whatever you had stolen. I don;t ordinarly take sleeping tabs but have an over the counter pack for absolute emergencies – pain gets out of control with no sleep and you can end up in a cycle that takes months to recover from.
Definitely you are wise in not letting this person know your plans. I can’t really imagine why people who are not in pain take pain meds – it baffles me somewhat. I HATE taking mine but can’t manage through the day without them – I can’t imagine just taking them for no reason. That really is lousy of her to do that to you – especially in the holiday season when you really rely on meds to have some semblance of a normal social life.
Oxy and 7steps – there is quite a bit of evidence that PTSD CAUSES fibromyalgia as chemicals cascade through the autonomic nervous system. Having had the pain and spastic symptoms for over 6 yrs, I have read pretty much every theory going on it and while I see what contributes to causing it, I can also attest to the severity of the pain – it is definitely not in sufferer’s heads. The best we can do to heal ourselves (given the pitiful nature of available treatments and approaches) is to focus on symptom reduction while we search for the magic cure. So that woman taking your meds is an act of extreme cruelty that seriously impacts your quality of life in the now. Guard them any way you have to – if you have to create a necklace out of the vials – do it! Just put some tinsel on top and you’ll be well fashionable!
Sending you some good thoughts 7 Steps – hope the situation improves for you. Don’t go doubting your own radar – this is a sneaky addict -they are in a class of their own when it comes to deceit and manipulation. Dependence on meds does not equal addiction – she’s taking them for fun – you rely on them to function – there’s a fundamental difference there.
Dear Ox,
I saw your comment on Thursday, 17 December 2009 @....... 11:30am and you are so dead on with what you said. Thank you! “Light doth beckon on yonder head.” MINE. I think that for some of them, my telling them the truth is, in their eyes, the same as calling them stupid and greatly questioning their ability to see people for what they really are. ALL of us would like to think we are a good judge of character, but heaven knows I fell for that flattery as well. I was WARNED about this man. His family nickname is “Nixon”. Hello! Yet, I still didn’t listen. Just as I once was, they are “slimed” by him. His flattery(bs) and lies are all over them and right now, they are buying it.
It is because of this that I have chosen to NOT see my family at Christmas. Given that my family is so large, some of us travel and Christmas starts early on the 23rd and goes into the 26th. Usually, it’s a lot of fun BUT this year, they have invited him as well and I refuse to go over this very issue. They do not see him for what he is and I do. Unbelievably, all of my family, a majority of which don’t even speak to me, assumed I would be present. I can’t compromise myself on this. NC, NC, NC.
Dear 7steps & pollyanna,
I have dealt with this situation. I do not have fibromyalgia, but at one time I had to be on those meds for a short while for other reasons. My ex P. LOVED them and in fact became so addicted to them, things started vanishing and I found out he was buying them from drug dealers. I went to great lengths to hide the medication, never allowed my purse to be anywhere except by my side, etc… It was hyper-vigilance at its’ best. When my new camera came up missing, I did exactly what pollyannanomore suggested; I told him I had to call the police, there had to have been a break-in. I was missing my new camera! KNOWING he had taken it, I proceeded to look all over the house after he told me I had misplaced it. Again, I said I was going to call the police. 2 days later, the camera “appeared” in a very conspicuous place where I finally “found” it. I did NOT confront him head on. Nothing would have been gained by that.
I found that very few words were needed to get back what was rightfully mine. I agree that you should get out of there and no, she doesn’t need to know your plans. I’ve found that disclosing anything I’m planning to do almost always works against me. I’m thankful for you that you have a mom who sees her for what she really is. That’s a great help.
Sending strength and prayers to you and all,
Cat
Dear Cat,
Yea, I am glad that you are staying strong and NC over the holidays for that. My egd donor always wanted her brother, Uncle Monster, at her house for Christmas and would give me a ration of chit about how I was going to hell because I couldn’t “forgive him”—-sheesh this man should have been on death row for what he did to his mother, his wife and his kids, and my egg donor would cry and say how I was ruining HER christmas but could never see how she was ruining MINE! LOL I got to where I hated christmas because it reminded me of all her crying and blame placing. But you know, I would go somewhere else with my kids (who were small at the time) and not have christmas at her hosue at all. I ialso started avoiding Thanksgiving dinner at her house too by going with my living history group for a week long camp out at a state park that week. ANYTHING to keep from going for one of the Family DRAMA-RAMAs with uncle Monster.
Cat, I liked your “i’m going to call the police because there has obviously been a break in” about your camera. LOL Good deal! I had a “friend” (now X-friend) who used to steal from me, and I finally X-d her out of my life, it was a difficult thing even after I knew she was stealing, but I finally got enough boundaries to DO IT and do NC with her and her husband as well. I used to think he was not like her, but I finally realized he was just as much as user as she was a thief. Clean out that rolodex get all the toxic people out! Love Oxy
Dear Tanya,
For years I made excuses for my x’s physically threatening me. I made excuses for the way he’d chase me clear out of the house, to the point that I’d gab my keys, barefoot, without purse, and drive away. For years I’d make excuses (I couldn’t grasp the truth) about the way he intimidated, threatened, stalked, and bullied my oldest daughter. His whole family convinced me that she, being the teen-ager was acting out because she was jealous of my attention being divided.
I made excuses when he pushed the hutch of our desk on top of me, and then lifted my chair, and flung me to the floor, causing my head to hit the book shelves, after which he lifted me by my throat and (having marshal arts experience) had me in a choke hold, threatening with a slight move, he could snap my neck. My airway was completely blocked. Why didn’t I call the police? I didn’t call because he was sorry, scared, full of remorse, and promises. I also promised…if it happened again, I would call the police.
When it happened again, I called the police. Not knowing the law, I thought they would just make him leave. I was obviously hurt (torn hamstring, and broken toe) what couldn’t be seen was my back had been severely jolted, and pushed out a disc which caused me extreme pain for two years. Even so, when I was asked if he hurt me, I said, “No. I just want him to leave.” I was hoping he’d be scared enough to get help. Instead, he lied and told the police that the scratches on his neck from playing in the pool with out 8 year old son were caused by me. I was arrested. Restraining orders were placed on me. When I went to plead not guilty, my x worked his last piece of magic; he’d become a reformed man. He managed to convince me that I’d be destroying our children’s lives if I pleaded not guilty (now it makes no sense to me) but then… my mind was so warped from years of his twisted truths, I accepted the guilt. How could I put my children in the court system as witnesses against their father? They, at least as far as I knew, had no clue about what he did to me. I was SO wrong!
Flash forward…. Once I went NC, and the NC is sanctioned by the court. He has to deal directly with the kids as they are old enough now, and have cell phones; he has targeted our oldest daughter (16). Instead of blaming me for his lack of relationship with the kids, he’s targeting her. And, he succeeded in convincing the children’s attorney (appointed by the court) that our daughter is interfering with him seeing the two younger siblings. When, in fact, our OD is the only one that greets him with a kiss and a hung, and is the only one that has any memory of bonding behavior with her father. Even so… he’s addicted to sympathetic attention, and he has to have someone to which he is the victim. And, since it can’t be me…he’s picked fights with, insulted, ignored, denied her requests to spend time with him, alone, didn’t show up for events she’s invited him to, and when she had enough… and called him out – she became his new target.
THIS IS AN S.O.S. for any of the readers here, more importantly the experts in this forum…
The kid’s court appointed therapist called me yesterday. The kid’s attorney is now representing my ex on HIS behalf, and has only seen our children briefly, twice, in the last four years. My ex has dropped his attorney, as he’s found that he has more power going after me, using the “Parental Alienation Syndrome” even though…he’s the one who rejects, abandons, upsets the kids, and when they don’t want to go with him, he blames me, or rather, now our OD. When our OD insisted on going, no matter how hurt she was, he turned it around, and is legally preventing her from going…
I’m told to stay out of their relationship with their father… No influence. It’s up to them (the kids and their father) to make the relationship work. Well, I have stayed out, and now I’m accused of influencing behind the scenes. The fact that he doesn’t do anything to create a bond, trust, connection, nor does he show them remorse, concern, dedication, and commitment… his visits with our children are all about his new family, wife and step children; further alienating our children. The fact that he’s bullied, threatened, intimidated, belittled, lied about and caused the kids to experience rejection by their own grandparents is not even considered as the reason the kids DON’T want to go with him. Yet, they do go…because our OD is there, because I tell them they HAVE to go. But, it is because our OD insists on going; the two younger ones will go.
Yesterday, I am told that the kid’s attorney called the therapist, furious. My x has been in his office ranting and raving about being kept from his kids. Because two visits in a row, he rejected our OD, in front of the younger two, and they were so shocked and hurt by his behavior, they didn’t want to go with him. His response to them was glib, and almost relieved.. He didn’t even try to convince them to go. He was happy to jump back in his car and drive away. Then he accuses our OD of interfering.
The therapist asked me to come in see him right after the Holidays. He convinced the Kid’s attorney (who’s representing their father, more then the kids and who has not returned my calls, nor has he opened his schedule up to see the kids after numerous attempts to get them in to see him) to hold off on taking me back to court until he talks to me.
This will be the third time where I have seen this therapist alone in 4 years. The first two times were 4 years ago. He said then…”This has nothing to do with you. Their father is the one that has alienated the kids from himself.”
This same therapist has told me that he’s in over his head; that he’s never dealt with such a confusing case. He’s never experienced a case so complex and complicated. He even said to me, “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to convince (x) of what he needs to do to bond with the kids. He seems incapable of being able to do this…yet; he’s gaining so much ground, legally. And, I’m scared for you and the kids. If you don’t make the kids do exactly as the order says, then… he’s going to go after custody of the youngest.” The one he spends that absolute least amount of time connecting with. She doesn’t really know him, at all. Nor, does he attempt to talk to her on the phone, or during their visits as the visits are all topics about himself, and his new family.
The kids were going to every visit with their father. And, just as I predicted, this would become an inconvenience for him. So he had to upset, target, and cause issues with the one that was insuring the visits were enjoyable, especially for the youngest sister; since their father has NO CLUE about her interests, temperament, fears, etc. Our OD would get her laughing, make the boring six hour drive interesting, redirect the conversation when their father would focus on his new family; causing the younger two siblings feel like second rate citizens in their father’s life. The only way to stop the visits from going smoothly is to shut the OD out. And, it worked.
He can reject the kids, and then blame me for Parental Alienation. Now…I’m being threatened again, with legal action and custody issues pertaining to our youngest.
What do I need?
I need any article, website, reference material, case studies that I can take with me to the session with the children’s therapist. As it seems he needs a better understanding of what we are dealing with. He is fully supportive of me, but is at a loss at how the ex has this much power with the judicial system.
I need to show the therapist expert opinion, that validates that my ex N/P/S is stirring up strife just before the Holiday’s to gain sympathetic attention. He’s addicted to the chaos; the dramma-rama, and his family is also addicted to the ambulance chasing mentality. My ex hit the jackpot with our divorce, insuring he’d have years of spoon feeding the addictions of his family system in order to get his own supply of sympathetic attention. They don’t care if it is true or not, the fact that he can manipulate the system and create a good, juicy legal feud to follow, were people are lied about, crushed, hurt, and where the victory goes to the most cunning (my ex), he will be their hero. And, their attitude about how the kids react to these mind games…”They should just get over it.” I kid you not.
I need as much information as possible, with expert insights to back up my chronological notes, pieces of evidence, and the adverse affects this little “family game” is having on the kids.”
How do I get that attention of the court to recognize what’s taking place?
When my ex asked the judge, the last time we were in court, “What if they don’t want to go with me…the judge said to him, “Nobody is going to force them to go with you. If they don’t want to go, they don’t go. Period.”
But, get the children’s attorney to present his opinion against me, based on heresy by my ex…without spending enough time with the kids, whom he represents, nor myself… the judge is going to lean on the opinion of the glazed over, intoxicated affects of my ex and his new (highly seductive) wife.
This newest threat is, after all… a smoke screen to avoid the consequences of not paying the court ordered support. And, it’s a smoke screen to avoid the legal actions against his father who has breeched a Promissory Note agreement, to which I now have grounds to demand payment in full. This is how they operate. To avoid me taking action against them, they… target a child, cause the kids to feel unsafe, and then blame me of alienation.
If I could walk away… God knows I would. I’ve convinced the kids to go on their visits and make the most of the moment, not to expect anything resolved about the past, nor to put too much expectation on the future. Just enjoy the moment. Whatever complaints the kids have, I tell them.. “You need to talk to your father about that.” When the kids express not wanting to go with him, I’ve respond, “That’s between you and your Dad.” When he’s pitted them against each other, and they complain..”I stress to each one, individually, “Your relationship with our father is not dependent on your siblings’ relationship with their father. If you have issues with your dad, the other two don’t have to agree; but that doesn’t invalidate what your issues are, either. And, even if your sibling has issues with their dad, doesn’t mean you have to take sides. If you want to spend time with him, and they are mad at him.. then, you spend time with him. It’s totally up to you. Even if your siblings get mad at you for wanting to spend time with him… they will get over it. You have to do what you feel is comfortable and right between you and your dad.”
The therapist said one concerning thing… When I told him my attorney wants me NC and out of the middle of the kids relationship with their father, which means I’m not proactive, either – I’m to remain neutral. The therapist said, “Yeah, but even when the CEO doesn’t come to the office, he’s still in control.” You are the head honcho in all of this; you have the most influence, and can really affect results.”
Hmmmm? So, based on that comment, when the N/P/S father acts badly, and alienates his own children from himself… and, then blames me because they don’t want to be with him… I am to affect what results? I’ve stretched my children’s tolerance of his cold hearted, manipulative, mean spirited, deceptive, conniving, character assassinating ways as far as they will go… What exactly am I supposed to affect?
How can I affect the kids when their father is purposefully pushing them away, so that he can claim that he’s the victim????????????????????? Even when one of his children insists on going with him, he manages to get support to reject her, and then blames me of alienation.
Any articles, expert opinions, case studies that would help the Court appointed therapist understand why, he too, feels “confused.” A classic symptom of being “gas lighted,” deceived, manipulated, and convinced your own perceptions are inaccurate. And, the fact that he’s a therapist doesn’t make him immune to the affects of an N/S/P. Articles that will help him grasp what’s happening, and the damaging affects of the kids being thrown in with the lions without being allowed the very basic weapon of their own self defense when their father targets them; with out that, too, (their self defense) being used as evidence of Parental Alienation Syndrome.