UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following from a reader who we’ll refer to as “Tanya” about her experience of trying to expose the sociopath.
I was 35 when I met my sociopath — we’ll call him Dave. I was in a top twenty graduate business program — a magnet for narcissists and sociopaths, by the way! A culture that so prizes appearances, financial accumulation, and power must seem irresistible to people with those disorders.
Dave seemed so great at first — attentive, interesting, intelligent, open, honest, fun. My friends warned that he was too flirty — but I only took that as a sign that he was desirable and, hey, I won him over when others had failed.
We were off and on for a few months — the usual drama of dating a pure sociopath took its toll right away. He did very scary things early on, like drink and drive, show up at my door in the middle of the night, call a dozen times a night, etc. etc. In the alcoholic daze that is your typical business school culture, his behavior didn’t stand out as much as it might in real life — but it really should have at the time.
He’s engaged
Finally we broke it off completely. Then one night I got a call from him — he was in Brazil on holiday (he lived there for a few years before coming to Business School) and he was calling to tell me that he was engaged to a girl he’d met there. He put her on the phone so that she could be reassured that he was no longer involved with me. I thought it was crazy, but in my own attempts to CONTROL the crazy (always the first mistake), I took it upon myself to tell his friends at school about the call. I framed it like “Congratulate Dave! He tells me he’s engaged!” He was furious with me when he came back and his friends no doubt thought I was insane.
Later, his “fiance” called me a few times trying to find him. I “googled” her name on my computer — again in an attempt to control the crazy— and found that he had been emailing her from my computer during the time we were dating. Then I found emails he had sent to a sex tourism site called Club Hombre. Over the previous two or three years, he had posted HUNDREDS of emails to this site, explaining his sexual exploits with prostitutes all over the world. His “fiance” was a prostitute. On the boards, he talked a lot about having unprotected sex with prostitutes in Rio and Turkey (both high HIV areas).
I reported what happened
I was so petrified. I went to the school clinic and explained my situation. The nurse told me that I had a one in thirty two chance of having HIV and I had to wait a week for test results to come back (thankfully, negative). During that week I went to my school counselor (a 27 year old kid new on the job) and tried to explain my situation. I brought in print-outs of the postings Dave had made to the sex site, and a note from the clinic explaining the risks he had exposed me to. I wanted to somehow get this guy on record before he put other women in our school at risk, even if it meant humiliating myself. The counselor was skeptical. He asked me if I wanted to file a restraining order and I said “no.” I thought that would only make things worse.
As per procedure, he had to bring Dave in as well. When he asked Dave if HE wanted to file a restraining order, Dave said “yes!” So, as a reward for my efforts to work within the system, I got a restraining order filed against ME for harassing DAVE. One of the worst days of my life.
Can’t control the crazy
That was three years ago, and I still definitely bear the scars of the experience. I try to put the details out of my mind and, even as I read this, I can’t believe it happened.
I do my best to not fault myself for getting involved in the first place. As so many others on your site have said, I was behaving normally in an abnormal situation. What I DO fault myself for is trying to CONTROL the crazy. Every time I tried to control it and expose the sociopath, I only made things worse for myself. The true trauma wasn’t the stuff that happened between me and him, but the stuff that happened when I tried to expose him to others. It was so awful to see how easily sociopaths can bend the system to their will. Before then, I believed I lived in a just, fair world and that I could trust the system to protect me when I needed it. After Dave, I know now that I have to protect MYSELF.
When I’m philosophical about it, I just think that it’s only human to want to believe that we live in an ordered, just world. We want to believe it so much that we ignore the disorder and unfairness RIGHT IN FRONT OF US, and this blind spot is where the sociopath functions. I’m so thankful that I emerged with much less damage than some others. I only wish that there was a way to constructively deal with this — to raise awareness about sociopathy in the same way that people raise awareness about cancer or drug abuse.
Thank you again for your site — it was cathartic to share my story.
Learn more: How to report your abuser’s crimes so the police take you seriously
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Dec. 16, 2009.
How the messages we hear all our lives keep us vulnerable to sociopaths
eeeek.
I get queezy at the thought of all the things my x S/P may have done behind my back.
When I caught him with the other woman, I found he had more than one secret email account. One for her, another to a 21 year old…he is 38.
There was porn too and dating sites. I am so glad I was never able to expose his exploits.
As one of the previous posters mentioned, I too have considered the fact that I may be the S/P’s karma.
He married me afterall. Even though he had his exploits he must have thought I was good enough to stay with long term.
We have a son together and I have, and will try to keep my son safe from him as best as I can.
He must be misserable.
As oxy says. Sure they are miserble. They are incapable of experiencing the joy we do.
But what frustrates and infurates me on occasion (because I try NOT to think about him and his life) is that, because they are insatiable and never quite happy, they will never truly acknowledge the missery they are suffering because WE have FINALLY figured them out and kept NO CONTACT.
I think the point here, although I believe in sacrificing oneself for the greater good.
IS that we need to stop even thinking about them and where they are at emotionally or physically and FOCUS on oursleves;
the survivors we ARE and the HEROS we are.
OXY and ERIN are heros to me, and I plan to be my Son’s hero.
Dear Banana, I am sure that you will be the HERO OF YOUR SON’S LIFE, and also for yourself. You have come a long way sweetie, and you are coming out of the FOG (FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT) Any time you are feeling badly ask yourself about the FOG! Look at which of the three you are feeling (or all three!) and then say to yourself I CAN HANDLE THIS, I won’t allow him to over come me–I’m “afraid” or feel “obligated” or “guilty”– but I know that this feeling is NOT VALID, it is REAL but not valid, so then move on from there and KEEP DOING WHAT IS RIGHT! You can do it! I know you can! Look at how far you have come already!!! (((hugs)))
Banana:
Did you read what you wrote? Girl…you have done some growing….give yourself some credit!!!!
You ARE your little dudes hero! Mamma’s are the greatest hero’s there are!!! I was just telling the kids this on the way home from the ski resort tonight…..we talked about gratitude and all we have given up and compensated for with not haveing a father in their lives…..
I told them, they must sit back and reflect on gratitude……this is my Christmas gift from them…..
I LOVE what you wrote about making decisions for ourselves……AND btw…Peanut butter and chocolate sounds PERFECT !!!!! But it’s true…..I have caught myself doing this…..it became easier….
BUT….it’s a way of avoiding ANY conflict by us making ourselves so ‘bendable’…….we become GUMBY! Until they (S’s) bend us in weird-contorted positions that we ‘wake up’.
It’s OKAY to have an opinion…..and quited frankly….most of society appreciates different opinions and persons who can make up their minds.
I’ts different than being accomodating….we can do that aswell……
So…..good for you for seeing your own words.and your awareness to yourself and behaviors….THAT IS GROWTH!!!!
And that’s what it’s all about !
So….what a wonderful Birthday present you gave yourself! The gift of awareness…..and the feeling you felt upon the realizations!!!!
HAPPY-HAPPY-HAPPY-HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
🙂
Now….what are ya giving yourself for Christmas?
Oh. Geez.
What am I giving myself….well, I did buy myself some sweaters, but really, I am trying to pamper myself in long hot baths and soak in my parent’s hot tub.
So fun in the winter. Especially when it’s snowing : )
Thank you for your supportive words and encouragement.
I do feel like I am growing.
Last night I received a text message from S/P who will not let me move, does not pay child care and will not pay full CS in proportion to income…..
I handled it well, laughed it off and told my mom I got a text from “jerkface”.
“[Our son] and I would like to wish you happy birthday and a merry xmas.”
What peeves me is that he has been court ordered not to COMMUNICATE with me period, outside of the court ordered journal, about anything other than our son’s health, child care or exchanges.
I have brought up the fact that he consistantly talks to my son at exchanges in my presence although the court order states we are not TO SPEAK. She said what he was saying was harmless….but that is not the point.
Analogy: If you have an order of protection against your S/P and he comes up to you and gives you flowers, or hugs you. So what if he was being courteous. He broke the order of protection!!!!
banana,
well, isn’t he just the cretin!
are you keeping records of the communications? i think it would be good to get a record to the judge as soon as possible…. is it the lawyer who is being dismissive about the contact? I don’t have experience in this area, so i hope someone who does weights in to give guidance on this.
perhaps EB can give you the model of her tape recorder – you can just obviously be wearing a mic when you meet…or have a vid recorder if you have one. my digital camera had a little vid function on it. make yourself safe and don’t let this slide if you can deal with it head on, he is trying to weasel in.
all the best for 2010!
Banana….
HAPPY BIRTHDAY….AND Merry CHRISTMAS!!!! Enjoy your soaks along with your day!
Heres’ the standard…..this is what they do!
You may have to ‘overlook’ the birthday ‘greeting’……but keep it on record along with the rest……it’s not about the hill….it’s the mountain!
Also…..For Christmas, get that tape recorder….it’s like $30 bucks….and well worth it….get the one that downloads onto your computer, you can print a disk from that AND have it on the computer.
It’s all the ‘appearance’….can’t you hear it….Your honor….all I did was wish her a happy birthday from us….and she’s flipping out?? I just don’t ‘get’ her…..she’s crazy.
Oh, yeah….I can hear it now.
Ya just gotta keep documenting and NOT REACTING. I wouldn’t suggest you even mention it (these texts etc…) to anyone….I have found people, after an extended period of time just ‘check out’…..even those who have been behind you can ‘check out’……especially when they hear you mentioning everythng, play by play, for years to come.
I only have one GF I talk about it all with…..and she’s going through it too with her STBex……but the rest of my friends I save for a ‘special’ event…..if needed……to talk to them……like something big to keep us protected……or if he’s coming to town.
They are famous for stretching boundaries, laws etc….
but judges don’t like this…..
They look at the whole picture…..
2 days after the S was served with the restraining order…..he saw one of the kids at the theatre…parking lot…..he followed him in to the lot screaming from his window…..KID….I LOVE YOU.
Kid was pissed…..as he thought he wouldn’t ever have to encounter his father, and especially in this capacity…..
Kid called police and they took a report…..there Is NO WAY the DA’s office would prosecute…..and I knew this….
But at a later extension hearing……I refered to it as a documented violation, gave the date and incidence……HE WAS SHOCKED it was wrong???? Yeah, right…..
He told the judge….all I did was tell my kid I loved him.
(like …..all I did was send her flowers)….
The judge RAILED ON HIM……she reminded him NO CONTACT WAS NO CONTACT, regardless of what you said to him…..you have NO RIGHT TO SPEAK TO YOUR WIFE OR CHILDREN……do to the abuse that brought this order on.
So….the end result…..No, he didn’t get arrested for that violation…..but it did buy us another year of protection from him……which in the end was WAY more valuable and protective for us!!!!!
(I lost the battle, but won the war) on that one.
If he would have gotten arrested, he would have been held for a mandatory 12 hours DV hold……then out and PISSED OFF! He would have had to go to trial (which would of meant him sticking around for additional months in my town) and got a slap on the wrist…….thats’ it.
But cumulitively, all the documentation drew a picture for a judge……of him ‘stretching boundaries’……..
SO…..it’s your day girly…..make it a good one and fuck what he had to say to you………just write it down or get a printout of it and file it away.
Happy Birthday!
bet we never thought that lines like, ‘in the winter months it is hard to keep the mike in a receptive location’, would be part of our reality. LOL
i am very curious about some of the nicknames here – what is your connected to?
i am having a pretty shitty day – keep trying to ‘do’, and i keep freezing up.
No spath and her sock drawer full of people to contend with, and I have kicked my dad and sib to the curb too. So, it’s a lot of loss in a short time. Father is really not good for me. and not talking to him is brand new. i miss my mom, and do need to call later and talk to her. i’d miss her regradless – she has dementia. but my family is gone now. i want to be away from these people – they are high maintenance and terribly hurtful. but it is just a hole right now – and i keep freezing up.
One Step,
I don’t know exactly what you mean when you say freezing up. I’m going to guess that it means something along the lines of not being able to continue what you were trying to do or maybe more like shutting down?
The holidays can really suck when we are feeling hungry, lonely, angry, & tired. When we are depleted of most of these things these are not just wants, these are basic NEEDS. Getting enough sleep when we are stressed is near impossible. Sometimes we really just need to get down to the basics of taking care of ourselves better.
Stop what we are doing and feed ourselves when we are hungry. De-stress as much as possible before going to bed so we may sleep. And picking up the phone to call someone whan we are lonely.
I don’t know about you but I know anger is one of those things that I am not quite comfortable with. Many times when I feel angry I try to push that feeling away. And I am finding that it doesn’t just go “away”. So I am learning to deal with my anger and let myself feel it and to try and understand where it comes from.
My family of origin has always celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve. I have continued that tradition since my kids were little. Last night my oldest son & his new wife and my youngest who recently moved out of the house, came here for dinner…..Yesterday was a bittersweet celebration of sorts.
First Christmas with our new family member, (in our very small family) my sons wife…A very welcome addition. And it was also the first family get together since my youngest moved out a little over a week ago. Emotions are still a little raw…Over this, and this is was not the Christmas full of “fond” memories that I will store in my mind for future thought. However it is over and we all made the best of it. I actually did really good, (emotionally) compared to how I felt less than 2 week ago. (Baby steps)
For the first time in my life I was alone today, on Christmas Day. I already made up my mind that next year on Christmas Day I will invite people over that have no place else to go and will cook a meal. It is time to maybe start new traditions….
Christmas doesn’t have to be just surrounding yourselves with family…..
My oldest son since mine and his fathers divorce always celebrated Christmas day with his dad. And Christmas Eve with me. Now that he is married we still celebrate on the Eve.
So it is time for something different….I am going to fill that void, and I have a whole year to decide how to do it.
You might want to do the same….Start thinking about what you might like to do differently next year at this time.
Christmas should fill our hearts with joy. Sometimes joy does not come from the places we expect to find it.
Wits:
I too spent the day thinking along those lines, same thoughts as you…..
It’s time for a NEW tradition.
Invite friends over and enjoy the casual company of others….not family.
So….let’s get a planning……we got 364 days to geterdone!
Maybe even a ‘boxing’ day celebration….
In any event…..let’s shake it up……huh.
hey witsend, Merry Christmas!
freezing – not being able to finish what i was doing, and i am in emotional pain – and not able to sit with it. compulsive and restless. it’s also an isolation thing. just your addressing me makes a difference.
I have been frozen before. i don’t understand it and i am hoping i will learn more about it this time.
it is hard to be ‘all f**ked up’ like this – i have SO much to do…decisions to make, physical labour to do to back those up….and I canna force myself to do anything. i need to fidn some kind for myself. and when i am finished writing this I am going to go do some writing and crying. because, I want to put that on the top of the to do list, even though the day is almost over.
i had great xmases as a kid. and as a young adult i moved thousands of miles away from my family (I was a smart kid).
i always invited folks for xmas and thanksgiving (one of my fave holidays). i have not had a conventional life in many ways, and have made and remade many new traditions. and have become more and more focused on creating ‘community’ as once i was able to deconstruct my parents rabid and falsely fronted ‘individualism’ I have always shared my table, skills and resources – and have wanted that connection with others, too. Today I am just out of love and steam and luck and money and clarity.
things are just wrecked right now. i haven’t been in this area all that long and i have challenged my few relationships because of the time and energy i spent on the spath. and of course, how weird it all was/is.
and i am also irritated with my friends here….my life IS very difficult and i see it getting worse in the near future, partially because i am really struggling to make important decisions, and sucking at it. i really am tripped up in a pretty big way – inside and out. truly, i wish my friends would just be honest and forthright, instead of ‘glazing over’. They too have have difficult situations (health and work related) – why is mine any different? I am angry about this. angry with them. angry with the spath and my very stupid father.
i am angry about the ‘unreal’ of it all – tired of people lying to me, or not being straight with me, of offering me things and NEVER delivering (i am charlie brown to my dad’s lucy.) – and how little people extend themselves.
but i also see that my expectations are out of whack – i give much more…and my giving may be out of whack – but if i had a friend in the sh*t the way i am, i would be helping as much as possible. just ask the spath 😉
i want – today – i want to out her so much. just ’cause i hurt. Whoa, i have a whole whack of abandonment stuff coming up.
and did i mention self pity.
i miss the spath. or rather the whole story and connection BEFORE I kNEW THE REAL STORY.
i am having a lot of regrets and fear about my future…rather blind sided by that. i keep wishing i were younger so that A) i’d be wiser earlier and B) could get myself set up earlier. i know that his sort of thnking is ridicualous, but there it is, taking up real estate in my head. I am living nowhere – neither in the past, present of future.
i look at the future now and i see that it will never be easy financially, or work wise. I am too old to get the schooling i need to make a decent living and be able to pay it off before i have to stop working. i have come to such despair.
i wanted to just have some time off from work for a few days – this in itself is a gift right now. i just have such high expectations of myself – and i canna fulfill them. i am going to go have a little listen to my heart now.
thanx for listening.
i hope some small lovely heart opening thing happens for you tonight.
one step. takin’ baby steps.