UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following from a reader who we’ll refer to as “Tanya” about her experience of trying to expose the sociopath.
I was 35 when I met my sociopath — we’ll call him Dave. I was in a top twenty graduate business program — a magnet for narcissists and sociopaths, by the way! A culture that so prizes appearances, financial accumulation, and power must seem irresistible to people with those disorders.
Dave seemed so great at first — attentive, interesting, intelligent, open, honest, fun. My friends warned that he was too flirty — but I only took that as a sign that he was desirable and, hey, I won him over when others had failed.
We were off and on for a few months — the usual drama of dating a pure sociopath took its toll right away. He did very scary things early on, like drink and drive, show up at my door in the middle of the night, call a dozen times a night, etc. etc. In the alcoholic daze that is your typical business school culture, his behavior didn’t stand out as much as it might in real life — but it really should have at the time.
He’s engaged
Finally we broke it off completely. Then one night I got a call from him — he was in Brazil on holiday (he lived there for a few years before coming to Business School) and he was calling to tell me that he was engaged to a girl he’d met there. He put her on the phone so that she could be reassured that he was no longer involved with me. I thought it was crazy, but in my own attempts to CONTROL the crazy (always the first mistake), I took it upon myself to tell his friends at school about the call. I framed it like “Congratulate Dave! He tells me he’s engaged!” He was furious with me when he came back and his friends no doubt thought I was insane.
Later, his “fiance” called me a few times trying to find him. I “googled” her name on my computer — again in an attempt to control the crazy— and found that he had been emailing her from my computer during the time we were dating. Then I found emails he had sent to a sex tourism site called Club Hombre. Over the previous two or three years, he had posted HUNDREDS of emails to this site, explaining his sexual exploits with prostitutes all over the world. His “fiance” was a prostitute. On the boards, he talked a lot about having unprotected sex with prostitutes in Rio and Turkey (both high HIV areas).
I reported what happened
I was so petrified. I went to the school clinic and explained my situation. The nurse told me that I had a one in thirty two chance of having HIV and I had to wait a week for test results to come back (thankfully, negative). During that week I went to my school counselor (a 27 year old kid new on the job) and tried to explain my situation. I brought in print-outs of the postings Dave had made to the sex site, and a note from the clinic explaining the risks he had exposed me to. I wanted to somehow get this guy on record before he put other women in our school at risk, even if it meant humiliating myself. The counselor was skeptical. He asked me if I wanted to file a restraining order and I said “no.” I thought that would only make things worse.
As per procedure, he had to bring Dave in as well. When he asked Dave if HE wanted to file a restraining order, Dave said “yes!” So, as a reward for my efforts to work within the system, I got a restraining order filed against ME for harassing DAVE. One of the worst days of my life.
Can’t control the crazy
That was three years ago, and I still definitely bear the scars of the experience. I try to put the details out of my mind and, even as I read this, I can’t believe it happened.
I do my best to not fault myself for getting involved in the first place. As so many others on your site have said, I was behaving normally in an abnormal situation. What I DO fault myself for is trying to CONTROL the crazy. Every time I tried to control it and expose the sociopath, I only made things worse for myself. The true trauma wasn’t the stuff that happened between me and him, but the stuff that happened when I tried to expose him to others. It was so awful to see how easily sociopaths can bend the system to their will. Before then, I believed I lived in a just, fair world and that I could trust the system to protect me when I needed it. After Dave, I know now that I have to protect MYSELF.
When I’m philosophical about it, I just think that it’s only human to want to believe that we live in an ordered, just world. We want to believe it so much that we ignore the disorder and unfairness RIGHT IN FRONT OF US, and this blind spot is where the sociopath functions. I’m so thankful that I emerged with much less damage than some others. I only wish that there was a way to constructively deal with this — to raise awareness about sociopathy in the same way that people raise awareness about cancer or drug abuse.
Thank you again for your site — it was cathartic to share my story.
Learn more: How to report your abuser’s crimes so the police take you seriously
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Dec. 16, 2009.
How the messages we hear all our lives keep us vulnerable to sociopaths
Hi One Step, don’t be so hard on yourself!! I know how you feel, but I have good news for you: what you’re dealing with is a very common form of “Christmas blues”, nobody ever mentions it because we’re supposed to be all happy on Xmas, but it exists – and the real good news is; it goes away once the Christmas season is over!
And as usual, tell yourself over and over again, how lucky you are that the sociopath is no longer part of your life.
Hugs!
hi eileen – am i being hard on myself? no, really, am i?
Yes you are!!
Banana – I wish I had slept the whole day through – I need more sleep for sure.
This is a LONG response. 😉
As usual, something said, triggers something that needs saying.
I am fairly sure that, although exacerbated by the Xmas blues, all that stuff that are triggers causing me to freeze up still going to be here today and the next day and the next. This crap with my family IS worse for it being Xmas. I couldn’t bring myself to call my mom yesterday. Just couldn’t do it. And I am going to get myself okay about that.
High on the list of ’crap’ is my living situation; I have to make choices and not doing anything is a choice that has consequences too, both financial and health related. I am in a mess – no matter what I do; I don’t have the money to change the situation.
My apt. is actually chemically toxic. I moved in when it had just been reno’ed. I moved because there were such heavy smokers downstairs at my last place that I could not breathe – and was in and out of hospital. I did all that I could to change the situation there: talked to the folks downstairs, the landlord, engaged a negotiator, brought a pro bono lawyer in who specializes in housing law. Nothing worked. So, I had to move. I didn’t have the money or the job stability to move, but I had to.
In the midst of this, I suffered a chemical injury at work. Was cognitively impaired for a couple of weeks – I’d pick up a paper and not know what it was for. I had to start to work off site. I have been working off site since. This equates to my roaming around trying to find a coffee shop or public institution to work out of daily ”“ with no car and arthritis in my hands for lugging my computer etc. around. It quite sucks. I have a roof over my head, but homelessness and I have more than a nodding acquaintance at this point. It is very tiring to have no resting place.
The new place – big surprise to me, was toxic. And so is the landlord. So I rented a car for three weeks and lived out of the car because I had a huge project happening at work that I needed to launch before I could do anything about the housing. I had NO workplace and NO safe home. All my friends have animals, and I am newly allergic to anything with fur.
This is my response to my house: I am dizzy and lose my balance, have a hard time concentrating, my face goes numb (I can’t sit on my floor or it happens really quickly – the floor off gassed formaldehyde) or just a strip up my lip nose and eyes goes numb, my eyes are swollen, my lungs are heavy and sore and I cough all the time. I am on max. Drugs for my allergies and asthma, and am taking a small compliment of supplements that are helping enormously
After the car rental, I started sleeping on my porch. Did this for three weeks. My roommate (I always have an international student living with me, housing is expensive here and it is how I make ends meet) left in October. The alcoholic N tendencied landlord moved smokers in downstairs after PROMISING me that the building would be smoke free. Although three of 5 tenants have complained BITTERLY about smoke in their apts. now, he doesn’t care and there is no legislation to protect tenants.
I have had to live with my windows wide open and fans going since I moved in. I have run an ozone generator in each room and have rotated a huge pan of ammonia (it neutralizes formic acid) from room to room. Of course each room has to be sealed for either of these applications, and you have to launder all textiles and wash all surfaces after running an ozone generator. The chemicals in the house have depleted to a large degree in the last couple of months. I spend as little time as possible here. There is a college close by and I hang out in their study room ”“ which also means I spend more ’downtime’ on the computer than I would otherwise, because I can’t really haul my stuff around with me.
Didn’t get another roommate, because I went nuts with fear when they moved the smokers in. I couldn’t shut the windows. It is cold as hell in here. (And for everyone who thinks hell is hot, it’s not, it’s cold).
IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL OF THIS THE SPATH WAS CONTINUOUSLY DYYYYYING. You can imagine what my fear and anxiety levels were like this summer and fall. Now it is winter. ’he’ is no longer in my life; I know what and who the spath really is, the chemicals are lessening, the smoke is till seeping in to my apt. daily, I don’t have the money to move, and my place isn’t fit for a roommate, but I cannot afford my rent or utilities on my own. Being Xmas, I have had some problems getting the service agency support lined up that is possible. I truly don’t know what I am going to do about the rent next week. My life has never been like this.
All that time care and love going to the increasingly traumatized spath; the constantly dying spath; I have been abused by my lover for the last 7 years who is now dying of cancer, the going for another surgery oh my god my sister f**ked me from the age of whatever and my father used me to pay his gambling debt, and I have to have open heart surgery AGAIN, and———”..My whole system is depleted. Even before the spath got uber nasty and started to threaten me (as the sock puppets, thus ’preserving’ snort! The innocence of the main character). All the time and attention to the spath, and little things in the outer world just tipping my situation over the edge ”“ if the landlord hadn’t moved the smoker in ”“ I’d be in a different situation, etc.
So, I don’t know, maybe being hard on myself, but I have real worked shit to deal with and I am sucking at it ”“ because of fear in general, lack of resources, some cognitive impairment and this BIG FEAR THAT ANY MOVE I MAKE WILL JUST LEAD ME INTO SOMETHING WORSE. I am generally not like this ”“ I might collapse inside but I keep going on the outside. There is a very poor housing market here. A student town. Apts. are expensive and the quality is low ”“ with my newfound gamut of allergies, cheap housing is not the way to go, but I have little choice ”“ as there IS little choice.
The spath kept encouraging me to just ’keep rolling with it’. Got a bit testy when I said the new place was no good, always encouraging me not to get angry with people (which are something I try to do and which I admired in ’him’. I have been ruminating about this ”“ what purpose did this serve with me? It bound me to my values, but not in a wise way ”“ in an idiot way. Gave her something to f**k me about with, keep my aquiescent and off balance.)
It’s raining hard. I want to go out for a walk in it. That will be my nice thing. I love the rain. Will have to check how icy it is.
one_step
I am feeling where you’re at right now so much. Your sense of desperation, bleak outlook, overwhelmed with everything and just pure depleted in spirit and body is a place I’ve been ‘living’ in myself.
Sometimes when we can go outside of ourselves, like when I read your posts, it’s easier to see what needs attention to move forward and heal.
From what you’ve written, your living situation and your health are your primary concerns so you can make room for the rest of your recovery. If we don’t have our basic human needs, than the other ones…well fah-get-aboutit! 🙂
I’m going to make some suggestions that maybe you could look into. I know what it’s like when your breaking down and can’t even think straight. All hope looks lost. But, it’s not.
What about renting a room in a house? You live in a college town. If I were you, I would call or email your landlord and have a serious talk to him about your situation. I would be honest with him about your dire situation and that you can’t afford your apartment anymore due to your financial and health problems (I personally would NOT go into the psych crap. I’ve learned that the majority of people just get freaked out by stuff like this. They don’t understand it. They don’t want to know or think about it, or worse they will make erroneous ill-informed judgements on YOU and that’s the last thing you need.) I think being pro-active like this instead of fearing for the worst while frozen, is a good thing to do.
The reason I suggest renting a room is because it would provide a few benefits. You can get back on your feet financially by only have one bill for your rent (which often includes other services). You can PICK what kind of home you will live in (ie. ALLERGY and SMOKE FREE) and you can have peace of mind that for a while at least, some day to day hassles will be alleviated. THAT will start to have a positive affect on your emotional and stress state AND your health.
Which leads me to other important concern. Once you have a safe and affordable roof over your head that’s not making you sick, then you can start taking care of all of your health concerns.
This IS Do-able!!!
When I have gotten really down about my own situation, which is very similar to yours. I think about the people who have survived so much worse. I read Elie Wiesel’s book, “Night” last year, about his time in the concentration camps. The human spirit is very resilient. You WILL overcome this.
But, you need to get strong and healthy again to do that first 🙂
p.s. I have said many times, “Hell is definitely NOT hot. It’s FREEZING!!!!” I had to LOL when I read you post the same thing 😀
icanseeclearlynow – this is something I have looked into and keep revisiting.
the things i run into are: ‘rooms’ available are in the student area in student housing, with up to 4 to 6 students per house. The area is quite run down and the housing old and not taken care of. with my allergies, it wouldn’t be a good idea. I looked in that area three years ago, and was quite amazed how it had become such a slum area over the years. it was a beautiful area when i left here 30 years ago.
I lived on the edge of that area for two years and became completely sleep deprived from the contstant noise and parties – they take to the streets here and party all night in these former residential areas. It is a quite a problem in this town.
I have to deal with my stuff also- I don’t know that I would ever be able to replace it if i got rid of it – too late in life. It will cost 150. to store per month, so any savings on a room would be taken up by the storage.
and living with others, as opposed to others living with me gives me even less control over the scented products around me.
i have no money to move (first and last rent) hands are arthritic and i have no car for the ifrst time in years. the landlord – well, the landlord is part of the problem. no heart to heart happening there.
getting healthy and strong will take a long while. and will probably mean moving from this area all together. the air is bad here.
thank you for your post – I am still looking at this. I wish I could find something where I didn’t have to be so responsible for so much. But the room rents here are 400 to 600. No less than my sharing an apt and storing my stuff. it would cost at least 600 to move – and i still have to give 2 months notice….
Hi Everyone! This topic is SO appropriate for what just happened to my family.
As many of you know, I have a lot of family members who think I’m the problem, not my ex. They’ve gotten him out of jail, paid for a place for him to stay, etc.. Yesterday, I discovered that he had been at my sisters’ for Christmas dinner as well as Thanksgiving, which is where I put up with him under the same roof, though not in the same room. That wasn’t the big discovery. The big discovery is that he had been ROBBING my sister while he was there, taking jewelry and pawning it. My brother-in-law confronted him and his excuse was that he knew I needed money for bills and was just trying to help.
I had spent an extensive amount of time trying to get them to see what he really was. It was an absolute waste of time. He did it himself. Give em’ enough rope…..and so on. He is now unwelcome in any household in this town. He has no place to go, or he says and he’s boo-hooing about that.
What gets me is that HE told me himself, wanting to talk to me on the pretext of this being about our son. I am guessing he told me to set me up with his BS as to why. Like I’m going to buy this? Don’t think so! When I called family members, their pain and betrayal was palpable. You could literally feel it. How could so many be so wrong about one individual??? is what I’m guessing they are feeling.
I learned from this. I put my energy elsewhere and trust that the truth will always come out and it doesn’t have to come out of my mouth.
I believe deeply in God and to me, this was his way of opening their eyes. I’ve been where they are and I know they’ll survive. In the meantime, I almost laughed at his pathetic attempt to convince me he had done this to help me and my son.
Hugs,
Cat
Fellow Self Healers, I am brand new to this blog, and find it so helpful already at first reading. My question: has anyone used the Don’tDateHimGirl website? This is how I came to LoveFraud…on DontDateHimGirl, someone posted to my S/P description of my ex boyfriend, directing me to this site. I decided to out him “to the world” as it were, rather than go to anyone specific to the situation, such as his other women, his co-workers, his family. If I can pass on any warning, I felt it would be much safer where my identity is protected, and others who meet him and know about this popular site can possibly save themselves the trouble and heartache of knowing him if they have the good fortune to decide to search his name.
My idea was to be rather vague so my statements could not be identified as me if he by any chance came across the post…I did post him as a psychopath.
OneandOnly,
Welcome! I have been here only a few weeks and this site and the wonderful people here have helped me so much through the rough waters I am going through. I find the site that you mentioned very intriguing and will visit it myself.
Keep coming back! This is an awesome place!
Hugs,
Cat
Dear “Me” (please don’t be offended if I shorten your name”,
WELCOME!!! this is a woonderful site, I’ve been here 2 1/2 years and have no plans to leave. I learn more every day to help me on my recovery and healing process.
My suggestions are that you go back through the archives of older articles and READ READ READ because KNOWLEDGE=POWER and taking back our power to be ourselves is what I think it is all about.
I’m glad you are here, this is a wonderful site with wonderful bloggers and great INFORMATION and that is what we use to stanch the emotional blood flow and then cut the Ps out of our hearts like a cancer, and heal the wounds, become stronger and better people, and much more safe from this type of attack in the future.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE, and he is not the only P in the world, but he is a great deal like the rest of them, unable to love or bond, yet able to FAKE that bonding to lure in victims.
god bless!