UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following from a reader who we’ll refer to as “Tanya” about her experience of trying to expose the sociopath.
I was 35 when I met my sociopath — we’ll call him Dave. I was in a top twenty graduate business program — a magnet for narcissists and sociopaths, by the way! A culture that so prizes appearances, financial accumulation, and power must seem irresistible to people with those disorders.
Dave seemed so great at first — attentive, interesting, intelligent, open, honest, fun. My friends warned that he was too flirty — but I only took that as a sign that he was desirable and, hey, I won him over when others had failed.
We were off and on for a few months — the usual drama of dating a pure sociopath took its toll right away. He did very scary things early on, like drink and drive, show up at my door in the middle of the night, call a dozen times a night, etc. etc. In the alcoholic daze that is your typical business school culture, his behavior didn’t stand out as much as it might in real life — but it really should have at the time.
He’s engaged
Finally we broke it off completely. Then one night I got a call from him — he was in Brazil on holiday (he lived there for a few years before coming to Business School) and he was calling to tell me that he was engaged to a girl he’d met there. He put her on the phone so that she could be reassured that he was no longer involved with me. I thought it was crazy, but in my own attempts to CONTROL the crazy (always the first mistake), I took it upon myself to tell his friends at school about the call. I framed it like “Congratulate Dave! He tells me he’s engaged!” He was furious with me when he came back and his friends no doubt thought I was insane.
Later, his “fiance” called me a few times trying to find him. I “googled” her name on my computer — again in an attempt to control the crazy— and found that he had been emailing her from my computer during the time we were dating. Then I found emails he had sent to a sex tourism site called Club Hombre. Over the previous two or three years, he had posted HUNDREDS of emails to this site, explaining his sexual exploits with prostitutes all over the world. His “fiance” was a prostitute. On the boards, he talked a lot about having unprotected sex with prostitutes in Rio and Turkey (both high HIV areas).
I reported what happened
I was so petrified. I went to the school clinic and explained my situation. The nurse told me that I had a one in thirty two chance of having HIV and I had to wait a week for test results to come back (thankfully, negative). During that week I went to my school counselor (a 27 year old kid new on the job) and tried to explain my situation. I brought in print-outs of the postings Dave had made to the sex site, and a note from the clinic explaining the risks he had exposed me to. I wanted to somehow get this guy on record before he put other women in our school at risk, even if it meant humiliating myself. The counselor was skeptical. He asked me if I wanted to file a restraining order and I said “no.” I thought that would only make things worse.
As per procedure, he had to bring Dave in as well. When he asked Dave if HE wanted to file a restraining order, Dave said “yes!” So, as a reward for my efforts to work within the system, I got a restraining order filed against ME for harassing DAVE. One of the worst days of my life.
Can’t control the crazy
That was three years ago, and I still definitely bear the scars of the experience. I try to put the details out of my mind and, even as I read this, I can’t believe it happened.
I do my best to not fault myself for getting involved in the first place. As so many others on your site have said, I was behaving normally in an abnormal situation. What I DO fault myself for is trying to CONTROL the crazy. Every time I tried to control it and expose the sociopath, I only made things worse for myself. The true trauma wasn’t the stuff that happened between me and him, but the stuff that happened when I tried to expose him to others. It was so awful to see how easily sociopaths can bend the system to their will. Before then, I believed I lived in a just, fair world and that I could trust the system to protect me when I needed it. After Dave, I know now that I have to protect MYSELF.
When I’m philosophical about it, I just think that it’s only human to want to believe that we live in an ordered, just world. We want to believe it so much that we ignore the disorder and unfairness RIGHT IN FRONT OF US, and this blind spot is where the sociopath functions. I’m so thankful that I emerged with much less damage than some others. I only wish that there was a way to constructively deal with this — to raise awareness about sociopathy in the same way that people raise awareness about cancer or drug abuse.
Thank you again for your site — it was cathartic to share my story.
Learn more: How to report your abuser’s crimes so the police take you seriously
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Dec. 16, 2009.
How the messages we hear all our lives keep us vulnerable to sociopaths
Matt
Hi, All:
This article was a reminder for me.
I went home to the family manse for XMAS. Over the course of 3 days my Malignant N-mother was on an absolute tear about my S-father having blown his credit cards through the roof. Have to give her credit. Everytime she put the misery index through the roof she’d announce “I really don’t want to ruin everybody’s holiday.” Right. Thanks.
Thing is, my father has never carried a credit card balance in his life. Granted he is in the early stages of Alzheimer’s, but there is no way he ran up these bills and has nothing to show for it. What was VERY interesting to me is that my conman brother, who has no discernible source of income, announced to me that he had “cleaned up” his balance sheet (we’ll ignore those 2 pesky foreclosures for the moment) and paid off 40 grand in credit card bills this year?
Coincidence? I think not.
To try to calm things down I offered to run an investigation on my father’s accounts since — HELLO! — I used to run criminal investigations. I said perhaps SOMEBODY had gotten his hands on my father’s credit card checks or was using his number. Of course, my gut tells me my sibling is the culprit.
While I owe neither of my parents any loyalty for the treament I received at their hands over the years, my desire to expose my brother is boiling over. And that leads to the crux of the matter. If I expose my sibling, there will be no thanks. This messenger, however, will be shot. Maybe I should go out and look for a dog that sings Wagner.
Stargazer
Eileen and EB,
How great that you both got away from those creeps. As horrible as it must be to find out those things (the surprise pornographic pic on CL was really a doozy), at least it can confirm that you made the right choice in getting away.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Beautiful Star: I haven’t been posting today, ’cause my arthritis is very bad, but i really want to respond to your post. Thank-you for sharing your big heart with me. your post really touched me.
I am reaching out to some social service agencies, there is a bit of help available. but I hadn’t thought of the women’s groups. Not much here, but I can think of one place I can call.
I am 49 too. Think I could get work as a dominatrix 😉
other than that it’s gonna have to be the str8t road.
best
one step
hens
Matt – Sounds like you had a lovely xmas.
Stargazer
Matt, that’s quite a family you have. It’s like Jerry Springer meets Law and Order. I understand the dilemma….it’s almost like they deserve each other. My vote is to expose the con artist. If for no other reason than he was too stupid to realize his brother investigates fraud. People this stupid deserve to be caught. What do you think you’ll do?
ErinBrock
Matt:
Can you alert the CC company and report fraud. Take it off your hands……and give it to them…..
Then you can ‘wash’ your hands of it and move onto more thankful things…..
It’s crazy…..and it’s crazyier when they think they can con others and get away with it……but I can totally see your point of doing the groundwork and getting stabbed once you expose the ‘who did it’…..
They’lll never believe it….
good to see ya here….miss ya when you disappear!
Stargazer
You know, one step, after what you’ve been through, dominatrix work can be very therapeutic and cathartic. LOL
one/joy_step_at_a_time
yes, but i would have to beat the spath. x
Stargazer
Matt, I never got any thanks from the army (or anyone else) for exposing the sociopath last year. But I’m still glad I turned in a criminal.
Matt
ErinBrock:
(Since I just got off the phone with a friend in Ireland, I think we should change your name to Erin go braugh).
First, I agree that his attorney will, as some of my clients used to say, make your ex ‘a fine wife in prison.’ Except I believe the proper term is “bitch”. But, why quibble over terminology in this case. No doubt the poor fool actually labors under the delusion that your S-ex will actually PAY him some day.
Secon, I would send your letter. Perchance did you have a little “chat” with the judge and find out what he considered a reasonable length of time before you “disposed of the goods”? If not, I would point out that while the decree does not include a date certain for removal of his property, a court would, in the absence of such a date, impose a condition of reasonableness on how long you would have to wait. 7 months strikes me as reasonable. I would also point out that it is not your problem that your S-ex has chosen to make himself “incommunicado”. His property, his obligation to communicate how and when he intended to get it off YOUR real property.
Fa la la la la, la, la, la, la