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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: What would you do and what would you think?

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Maryjane.”

If your husband, whom you found out had affairs all during your marriage, had a child with his secretary, paid her hush money, came onto your mother, grandmother, and another sister, told you that he had an affair with your sister ”¦ during the time frame that you were readying for divorce, would you believe him? Also, this man gambled away most all the money in the marriage on football and golf betting (at a country club that you were the member of, not him, as he ran up bills) and was an alcoholic ”¦

And at the time, that piece of info about your sister, was just a part of the entire hurtful mess and too much to process ”¦ while he was also telling you that he loves you and will never cheat again ”¦ and of course, you don’t believe him. You were just trying to process the insanity of it all. Then you were both at your parents’ house and you walked into the laundry room to find this husband and that sister, whispering and snuggling ”¦

And you got furious. even screamed. and went in a made a big to do about what you had seen to your parents ”¦ and this sister, the manipulator, liar of the century, said that you were crazy and that she didn’t know what you were talking about and pointed out that you were overly emotional as usual.

During the divorce, you were cleaning out your husband’s dresser drawers and found a nude photo of this sister in the bottom of his ‘junk’ drawer ”¦  taken during the time, (junk alright, huh?), this sister had lived with you in another state, for three months, eight years previously. And the nude photo was taken on her bed at her apartment that was a short distance from where you lived.

The divorce was awarded to you on extreme mentally cruelty in a no fault divorce state ”¦ and you kept the part about ‘your sister’ out of the court proceedings to ‘protect your family’ ”¦ as you were embarrassed to have such immoral, incestuous, crassness in your own family, on top of the obvious embarrassment and hurt of the rest of it.

After the divorce and during a time, you were ready to address it ”¦ you told your parents about it ”¦  and they couldn’t/wouldn’t believe it ”¦

You see, this sister was the mother of their ‘grandchildren,’ and you were a divorced woman going through pain and not much fun to be around ”¦ And your parents were all about drinking and partying and you were dealing with issues and things that they didn’t want to ever think about, much less acknowledge happened in their family ”¦

These parents were both alcoholics and lived in denial about most everything that occurred with their children and in their lives ”¦ as in one sister being on drugs and having manic episodes. When you told them that she was doing drugs, they didn’t believe you then either. Until ”¦ Gee! It was proven to be true ”¦ and after many episodes, she is diagnosed as being bipolar.

So, you were the truth teller, the one in pain ”¦ the one who saw and the one who was crushed under affairs, lying, alcoholism ”¦ and instead of comfort and caring ”¦ you got disbelief and alienation ”¦

And you suffered it all while being sober, because you don’t drink or do drugs.

The sister who you were told had an affair with your husband began to excluded you from family ‘get togethers’ ”¦ as in her children’s birthday parties ”¦ and pretty soon, you weren’t invited to anything ”¦ because you represented something that no one wanted to look at. She needed to keep you away, because she knew that you knew the truth ”¦ so you were dangerous to the facade that she tried so hard to create and to keep intact.

You moved to another state and during this time, this sister had another affair with a married man ”¦ actually, she has had many with married men that you knew about. But this one almost caused her to lose her license, because it went against professional ethics ”¦ even as she took this husband of another woman to ‘church’ with her.

Your father finally told you that he knew you were telling the truth ”¦ but what could he do? That it was between you girls ”¦

And you responded, “So you let her exclude me when she was the one who did this to me and all the while you knew the truth?” And he shrugged as he took another drink of wine ”¦

You see he had affairs on your mother all throughout their marriage, and you even overheard one talking on the phone to your father while you were in high school, telling him that she missed and loved him and calling him by name ”¦

He knew that you overheard and said that it was a wrong number ”¦

But of course, it wasn’t. And he eventually told you that he was thinking about leaving your mother because he loved this woman and he had been unhappy in the marriage for years. And as hurt as you felt, you could kind of understand this, because your mother was given a prefrontal lobotomy when you were two years old and she was not much of a companion on many levels. And because of her lack of affect and diminished capacity, you and she did not get along well at all. Because you are artistic, emotional, strong and outgoing and she was weak, dependant and most times, not even present. You can’t even recall having a real conversation with her. But being true to your mother, you tell your dad, that if he leaves her you will never speak to him again ”¦

After all, was she really insane, or was it post partum depression ”¦ or did your Dad drive her crazy by his criticizing and neglect?

You were angry at both your dad and your mother ”¦ and while needing their love, lost respect for them both as your heart broke into a million pieces. Nothing was as it seemed in your family. It was mostly all façade ”¦

Your dad didn’t leave, but continued his womanizing, while giving the ‘image’ of the ‘good family man’ ”¦ Even your friends at high school knew about it and would make snide remarks ”¦ You withdrew into yourself, your room, your friends and ballet to survive. But your family made fun of you for dancing. They made fun of you for everything you liked and did, especially ‘that’ sister.

For about 30 years, you are excluded from most all ‘family things’ led by this sister ”¦ who now wore a mantel of a ‘church woman,’ letting her hair go gray and becoming fatter and uglier by the year, and claimed her ‘best friend’ was a shriveled-up old Bishop ”¦ who hung around your family like some kind of a leech ”¦ Your father befriends this old Bishop and took him on extravagant trips.

And during this time, your father on several occasions told you that there is a part of him that wished he had left your mother when she had her breakdown and taken you with him, and that he wished you were his only child.

That he knew that sister had always treated you with hate and animosity, and had done everything she could to harm your life. He called her a big dumbass broad ”¦ which both made you chuckle and cringe at how cruel, duplicitous and sordid your father was.

After your mother died, your father had affair, after affair, after affair, with women young enough to be his daughters, while he claimed this Bishop was his ‘spiritual advisor.’ All of these women were golddiggers, whorish types, and you told him so. And he got angry at you for telling him the truth ”¦ said that you were always causing problems. You only saw your father on occasion, because you couldn’t stand being around these women, the drinking, and the squandering of money, but your sisters participated in it all. At ‘that’ sister’s son’s wedding you weren’t included, but the current golddigger in your Father’s life was. But then after he realized what the women were, he admonished, “Why didn’t you tell me?” and he dumped them.

Your Dad is dead now ”¦ and in his later years, because of ill health, he stopped so much with the drinking, but after a lifetime of it, was a dry drunk. He would tell you on occasion how much you meant to him, and that you were always right and always told the truth, and you heard back from others that he thought you his most beautiful, brightest, deserving and moral child”¦

Your sisters ignored you, were hateful to you, or many times, actually cruel, especially the one who had an affair with your first husband ”¦ They claimed that they don’t know what’s wrong with you when you got angry, and said you were emotional and always played the victim.

What would you do and what would you think?


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69 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: What would you do and what would you think?"

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I can relate to all this. My ex (who has since committed suicide) was adopted into a family where his adopted father molested him. I thought this may have been where his problems began, but when he was 34 and looked up his real family he found that his birth mother had been in and out of the state mental hospital on and off her entire life beginning at the age of 16. He was born when she was there so we have no way of knowing if her husband (who served time in prison for bank robbery) was his father or if it was another patient or a staff member at the hospital. His real brother, who wasn’t adopted until he was 11, was a serious alcoholic until he went to a church rehab and got saved. Since then he has dated two much younger women at his church, the first young enough to be his daughter and he broke up with her after getting her to co-sign on a truck for him. The second woman at church has a teenage son who interferred when he wanted her to buy a house for them (she already owns a trailer) and he broke up with her. Now, just 2 months after his brother committee suicide, he said he wants to date me. I’m not a complete fool, I am 4 years older than him, have my own home, a good job, a nice car and will get a good retirement. And for him to hit on me so soon after his brother died, not appropriate at all. I think my ex had an inappropriate relationship with his adopted sister when they were teens (not her fault, she was 4 years younger) and the dynamics in the adopted home were just sick. It makes me wonder if it’s nature or nuture that creates these personality types.

This story is my story. Now that I have written my book, Evil Eyes a Daughter’s Memoir…and doing radio shows and booksignings, all hell has broken loose and I am the bad one (once again).

I feel like a whipping post.

My granddaughter was molested and “my” sociopath was the perpetrator. This was a year ago when I found the C.D.s and took them to the police. Now he is in jail for 18 months and I am finally free of him.

However, my granddaughter endured 3 long years of abuse by this man and I see signs of her acting out already (she is only 11). I begged the maternal grandparents who are raising her (my son was killed in car accident in 2003) to take her to the counselling that victim services and Elizabeth Fry society offer victims of abuse.

They not only refused, they are now blackballing me to my granddaughter, making me look like the bad one, and will not allow me to see her although I have seen her all summers long and every long weekend since the beginning of time. Suddenly, I am WIPED OUT…

My post traumatic stress is in full blown gear and feelings of self-hatred and loathing is back. I called the ministry for children (who pay these grandparents to take care of her) and said I really want my granddaughter in counselling but the other grandparents won’t even take her to the dentist, let alone for counselling. They live on a horse farm and think the horses will heal her.

BULLSHIT!

I’ve been there. I wrote the bloody book on the subject and I know what happened to me as I grew older and remembered all of the abuse at the hands of my stepfather. I know she may seem “fine” now but just wait, she will become another ME in just a few years and that is a scary thought.

Yesterday my ex phoned me to scream at me for ‘causing trouble’ and if I never get to see my granddaughter again it is my own fault for calling the ministry. My granddaughter’s mother (who is a druggie and has never had any interest in her daughter) emailed me to tell me to back off…her parents are doing just fine by my granddaughter.

Then one of my friends calls me and says I should just leave things alone.

Finally, at 10:15 last night another good friend called and when I told him the story he also said, LET THINGS LIE WHERE THEY ARE…THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO.

F.U.

I am so angry I could spit…but on the other hand…maybe I am horrible..awful, trouble maker, worthless, loser, and not worthy of my granddaughter…

Those are the painful thoughts that have now consumed me and I am in danger.

I feel like a fish out of water. I feel like I am the one who must be nuts because so many people tell me so.

COME ON…my intellect tells me I did the right thing. My granddaughter needs to work through what this freak did to her before she gets into trouble. I’ve been there, I know of what I speak.

I don’t know which way to turn. I am in so much turmoil over the fact that I am now being held away from my granddaughter – when we have been so close for all of her life. BANG! I can’t talk or see her. BANG! I am the bad one.

I’ve had one bullet too many.

Dear Speaking up,

You did do the right thing in calling and reporting.

That said, right now, TODAY there is nothing you can do about what is going on with your granddaughter….just for TODAY you can’t get her to counseling, so for TODAY you can relax and take care of yourself. There WILL come a day when you can do something but not TODAY.

That is what we must accept sometimes when we are in a situation where we are powerless over a particular thing. We must accept that TODAY we can’t fix it.

Pray for that little girl, and don’t give up, but quit bashing yourself. You did the RIGHT thing. (((hugs))) and my prayers for you. God bless.

Hens, I am agreeing with skylar. And YOU NEED BETTER BOUNDARIES. Giving money to help is rarely a good idea. Helping people help themselves is much wiser. “Dude, what are you going to do about your problem?” would have been a really great “donation”. Help him think. Don’t take his burden on your own.

Like you, I’m a bleeding heart. And I saw that it never, ever helped to give money. You know the story, give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish…..blah blah.

Darwinsmom

It sounds to me like you’ve done a ton of analytical work on your family. Good for you. Seeing all that disfunction is a tremendous accomplishment on it’s own.

Hugs

Athena

Dear speaking up,
I can certainly relate to the fish out of water feeling. My three small children live with their mother who I’m certain is a sociopath. Not a god situation at all.
I don’t know exactly about the laws where you are as far as family law are concerned. But here in canada, any person can apply for custody or access of a child. One of my friends is a grandmother who height her daughter for custody of her grandson and won. Also, you can ask a court to intervene in terms of medical care. There is a criminal record to prove the trauma this little girl had gone through.
I don’t want to get your hopes up too much as I know first hand, the family judicial system is very broken. But even if you don’t feel like the odds of winning this case are very high, it’s at least SOMETHING, as opposed to being able to do nothing.
Talking to a family lawyer may be a good place to start.
Good luck and God bless. You’re all in my prayers.

thanks all, and Dying Dad (hope your not really dying).

I am actually feeling a major energy drain that causes me to be unable to get up. My dogs won’t come near me and have started to do potty on the carpets. I have never been abusive toward them (I’m a real suck when it comes to my doggies)…so what is up with them? Are they feeling my thoughts of hopelessness and despair? Are they afraid as I am. Weird. Just thought I’d bring it up. Doggies have never stayed downstairs EVER before and now I’m feeling guilty about that…

I know I am in PTSD mode…this is the longest time since my son died in 2003. It’s been almost 2 weeks. But, maybe I won’t come out of it until i know my granddaughter is okay. But, I have no energy to go to the courts to apply for 1. access and 2. a stop to prevent them from alienating me from her and 3. to get her counselling. I would hope the Ministry of Families would insist on that but who knows.

I’m sick of heart and don’t know how much this little heart of mine can bear. I feel hated, so hated, and yet intellectually I feel I’ve done the right thing.

Sorry for rambling. Just wondering about what is up with my dogs!

Funny, I feel guilty for my dogs behaviors. Guilt and shame and responsible…so sick of those feelings that just don’t make logical sense.

Speeking up,

My suggestion is RIGHT NOW, TODAY, just take care of yourself, get yourself some help for your PTSD. You cannnot help your granddaughter until you are OK yourself…so a few more days or even a few more weeks before she gets some therapy isn’t going to hurt anything (realisticly) so TAKE CARE OF YOU.

Your dogs may be reacting to your depression. Get up out of bed and take them for a walk. Clean up the mess. Get a good meal. MAKE yourself get up and move. Laying down is the worst thing you can do for yourself right now. Call a friend or call a DV shelter emergency line. Call a counselor. Call a doctor. Do something besides lie there.

Feel the energy that the LF mob is beaming your way. You are NOT alone! We are here, we relate, we have suffered the frustrations of dealing with psychopaths and those that don’t get them.

Take care of yourself so you CAN take care of your granddaughter. (((hugs))) and my prayers.

Oxy, very good advice as always.
Speaking up, as oxy said, we can all relate. I’m suffering from Ptsd right now also. I’m not sure how to make a link, but if you type it in the search bar, you should find it. It’s an article on EMM. (Emotional Memory Management) I read it yesterday and found it to be very helpful.
God Bless.

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