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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Who We Used to Be

Editor’s note: The following letter was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Panther.”

This little bundle of words comes from a new survivor. I write this hoping that I can find these thoughts to be consolation for myself, as well as to share them with others for the same reason. Through reading various Lovefraud articles, I’ve realized that the veterans have so much invaluable advice to offer. However, at times I wonder how the voice of a survivor sounded right after the break. The reason this matters to me is because the veterans seem so much stronger than I feel right now. I cannot help but wonder, as I read through their wise words, if they have something I don’t have, which enabled them to get over this. Then I doubt myself, as the sound of my own trembling voice seems meek in comparison. I reason that I don’t have what it takes, like they do.

But this isn’t true, and I want to be a little voice here on Lovefraud that says:

I’m still shaking in the aftermath. The voice of my oppressor is still ringing in my ears. My legs feel too weak to stand, and I don’t feel strong enough to overcome this ”¦ you’re not the only one.”

It’s been less than one month since I went No Contact. That isn’t to say that I haven’t felt an icy presence reaching for me across this void I’ve put between myself and that monster. Emotionally, I’m always slapping away an invisible hand that seems to be grasping for my heart—and sanity. I don’t know whom to trust, and I cannot see clearly. The whole world looks a bit like it’s covered in a giant rain cloud, and I feel as though I’m trying to navigate my way down a crowded highway as this huge cloud hangs so low in the sky that I cannot see even a few inches in front of my car.

Looking Back at the Disaster

The last thing I’d ever want to do is look back.

Yet, today, I actually did just that, and I was surprised at what I found. It was hard at first to peer far enough into this disaster to see more than a house torn to bits by a hurricane. At first, that’s all I saw. I saw my dreams shattered and thrown all over the ground like the china cabinet he punched one night. I saw my keepsakes covered in dirt and strewn around, like my body was every time he put his violent hands on me. All my savings were blown away with the strong winds, and they weren’t even in this mess for me to go collect with time. My cat, who had been a best friend throughout the torture, lay dead under the rumble now. There was nothing that this hurricane hadn’t destroyed of what I once called my life.

This is what I saw at first, which made me want to look ahead, never back. Also, everywhere I read, survivors are told to focus on the future, keep their eyes on new horizons. How was I to grapple with pummeling down this road in a beat up old car, directly into a dark and blinding cloud, while feeling like a bombed out, empty shell where once a human used to be?

Aha. Where once a human used to be. And who was she?

Again, I looked back. This time, past the rubble. Past the destruction. Surely, if there was a pile of destruction, then there must have been something to begin with. Right? You don’t end up with a toppled over house unless you have a house in the first place!

So then I saw beyond the broken pieces. I saw the whole house. I saw what I had built. Yes, me, just little ole me who is sitting here feeling so weak and unable to accomplish great things. I had accomplished many things, and this mess scattered behind me was a testament to what I had done with my life and who I had been before the hurricane. Yes, I had dreams. I pursued those dreams, and many of them, I accomplished. This means that I must have been an ambitious person, with healthy goals. I was someone who spent her time here on Earth trying to live a positive, productive life. Also, yes, I had savings. I had taken care of myself, stood on my own two feet, well enough to think of a rainy day. This means I was a responsible woman, someone I could count on. Yes, I had keepsakes. I didn’t accumulate random clutter. What I bothered to hold onto in life had meaning, which means that I was perhaps a sentimental woman, someone who placed more value in love and friendship than in material possessions. And, yes, I had a cat. I had made a commitment to care for another living creature, and I had followed through with that commitment every day. He was a happy cat that trusted people. That means he grew up with someone who taught him that he could trust, which means I was a trustworthy, dependable person at some point

For the first time, looking back was actually useful. There I saw a woman who was ambitious, productive, and positive. She was someone she could count on. She was trustworthy and dependable. She was capable of making commitments and keeping them. I also remember how much she trusted other people and in the good of humanity. It was only a matter of time, I suppose, until someone who didn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt came along and exploited a character trait that I should not be ashamed of. Yes, I’m wiser now, but having a generous, loving, trusting, and forgiving heart is nothing to feel stupid about.

Seeing Past the Mess

I’d like to ask new survivors to try this themselves. Try looking past the absolute destruction in your history. Try to see the destruction as an actual testament to what you were, because if there hadn’t been something to destroy, this wouldn’t have happened in the first place. Sociopaths look for someone who has something they can take away or ruin, whether it be money, love, intimacy/sex, trust, or emotional support. By the very fact that we were targeted means that we were carrying something of value to begin with, and I’m guessing that most of us, if not all of us, can take credit for the great people we were before we were targeted.

Look to your past to remember what an amazing person you were, even though it might hurt to know that this person was destroyed. But look anyways to remind yourself that you are strong, even in these moments when every step feels like a monumental achievement. We will never get back whom we used to be, not 100%. However, it might be a mistake to assume that we are not still fantastic, even if we don’t feel it right now. And, with the added wisdom of our experience, I bet we’ll build an even better house now, one that a hurricane cannot knock over.


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131 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Who We Used to Be"

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Very well said, Panther. You have a gift with words, too. I bet there is a lot about you that is not “destroyed;” that would be your essence, your goodness, your beauty of spirit. You seem very courageous, too, to be willing to take this look back at who you used to be. So, even though you do feel the icy hand reaching for you, you have an even stronger pull from within, towards your own growth and healing. Looking back, beyond the dark place, is a good way to develop that inner sight (insight) and ground yourself for the journey forward. A lot of people turn back in fear and don’t bother looking, but you did — and that is where miracles are found. You are on the right track!!!

Dear Panther,

I don’t think this guy destroyed anything at all – other than a few naive illusions about the world and about human nature. (And good riddance to that, right?)

Other than that, you appear to be the same lovely person you must have been before this happened!

A standing ovation for you Panther, if you have this much insight at only one month no contact you are more than a survivor, your a strong woman with a hugh sense of self, this monster made your light even brighter…it took me years of no contact and self examination to get even close to where you are today. thank you for this uplifting inspiring post.

20years, thanks for your compliment on my style and for your words of encouragement. I agree that looking back is a useful tool, but also a daunting one. It has helped me a lot in these early days post-disaster, so I really wanted to try and communicate with others who are still in the fog and feeling as fragile as a tea cup on a football field.

Constantine, thanks to you too! Believe it or not, I have changed a lot through this experience. I was quite a bold and fearless one once upon a time, so I do notice the changes more than others might. It’s a deeply personal experience, I think. My family and friends notice, but that’s only because they have known me for so long. To most people, I seem pretty decent still 🙂 That’s a good thing, I suppose. As 20years said, we don’t lose our essence. That’s part of what I was hoping to communicate, I guess, when I wrote this. Right after and especially during that experience (and my other experiences with spaths), I felt as though my identity just vanished and I became nothing but a zombie. It created this false idea in my head that I was actually “gone” or “killed off” from the pain. This feeling makes it even harder to muster up and regain self-confidence. And…you’re right about illusions! Rood riddance to them!

Hens, nice to finally formally speak to you directly 🙂 We’ve been weaving in and out of posts side-by-side for awhile now. I am glad you found this uplifting and it really makes me smile for you to say he made my light brighter! 😀 I’ve noticed that the people in here are some of the nicest and wisest people I’ve ever spoken too (ESPECIALLY on the internet), so maybe that says something about what these monsters really accomplished. Wouldn’t they be bummed to learn that they actually turned us all into deeper, wiser, more compassionate people?

Oh, 20years, I wanted to mention that the therapy I got as a teenager has carried well into my adult years and is one of the main reasons I am able to do this “self-reflection” bit. I was trained in “coping skills” at a young age. I wanted to mention that because of what your girls are going through. I was thrown into therapy by my father as well, and despite how crazy he was in sessions, I did learn a lot from the experience. I had some sessions alone too.

Panther, you said:

“I’ve noticed that the people in here are some of the nicest and wisest people I’ve ever spoken too (ESPECIALLY on the internet), so maybe that says something about what these monsters really accomplished. Wouldn’t they be bummed to learn that they actually turned us all into deeper, wiser, more compassionate people?”

and I think… well, this is a view I’m coming to (after — OK — 20 years LOL) … that maybe that is the point of all of this.

I mean, it has always been my experience that we all go through “stuff” or challenges, in our lives (different challenges, different degrees of challenge for different people), and that there is ALWAYS, and I do mean ALWAYS, a GIFT waiting for us on the other side of the experience. After noticing this pattern (challenge… followed by some kind of spiritual growth or other sort of gift of value commensurate with the level of pain we went through) — I started keeping this knowledge (or faith) of the gift awaiting me on the other side as encouragement to get me through. The harder the struggle, the bigger the gift. Seriously.

I swear, this pattern has held up absolutely in my life so far! Every single time. I have suffered, and then received this gift (some wisdom, some Peace or spiritual growth, or some very good thing happening in my life). I think I must not yet be done learning my life lessons, LOL, since the struggles keep coming!

I appreciate so much your sharing this with us, and also your suggestions for my girls — I never went through what they are going through, at such a young age. I was fortunate to have a secure, safe childhood. My heart goes out to those who have not.

Panther,
I love this article…have re-read 3 times…thinking about many of your valid points. Yes, there must have been something there initially if all was destroyed and taken….
If you were to ask me a few years back to describe myself I would have used words like, independant, hard working, a woman who spoke her mind, happy, successful, well traveled, loyal, a survivor who built something out of nothing.
Truth be told in many ways these words are semi-accurate. However I am now viewing myself in a different light as I peel back the layers of the onion. Yes, I know my past accomplishments and what could be percieved as personal strengths. However I also now see the many “skeletons in the closet” that are now becoming clear. I did not like “self reflection” and my “coping skills” were that of avoidance and denial, … I sincerely believe that is what made me so vulnerable to my spath and the many toxic people in my life.
I know I can “re-build” my house…however this time the foundation will be much stronger. I guess I must go through the pain to finally see the truth and become what I really want to be.
I still hate that son of a bitch for everything he put me through however I am/will eventually be a stronger person for it. Sometimes at leaste in my case you need to broken to the core to move forward. Humility and gratitude!!
Thank you for sharing….

Hi 20years,

Hey, we have a similar life philosophy! I think that exact thing often when I’m going through a tough time! I always think that on the other end of it, I will have grown in some way. One of my P father’s wives (#4) said to me once (for a pill-popping alcoholic, this was pretty sharp of her: “Well, if you don’t learn anything from your experience, then all that suffering was in vein. It’s just a total waste and you know you went through it for no reason.” It was such a funny thing to hear from her, as she sat on the kitchen counter guzzling a whole bottle a wine, after her previous lectures had been about reaching size 0 or dying my eye lashes blue! This time, she was right!

I agree with you. And….many times in my life, people have told me that they feel I am older than my natural age….which would, inversely, make your idea true. If you look behind me, you’ll see a LOT of lessons, starting quite distinctly with getting to know my estranged father when I was around 8 years old. Your daughters are learning a lot from this experience, but they are suffering a lot too. I hope they don’t make the same mistake I did, which was to escape the father only to date 4 men who were very similar to him (not all at once, haha!).

I don’t know exactly how your girls are feeling, but I have a pretty darn good idea, and I’m sure I’m not far off the mark.

In response to your comment awhile back, I wanted to confirm that I do not blame my mother. I know that must be something you are afraid will happen. My mother and I did have hard times, though. Some of this was started by my father, and some of this was started by my rebellion in general when I got angry with the situation and tried to just run away from home about 5 times. I became very emotionally withdrawn and unstable during that period, especially after my little sister died when I was 15. My mom has one of the purest hearts I’ve ever known, and what she lacked was really just the strength I needed in a female figure in my life. The more I am learning about sociopaths/psychopaths on this site, the more I am realizing WHY she was like that. She has her own story….

By the way, I wasn’t joking about getting your girls into martial arts, if they’d be into it 🙂

Good insight Coping, I liken my onion peeling to digging up bones, like a forensic scientest, examining what caused the injuries to the child (me) and taking that information to forge a better life for the adult (me).

Coping,

I love your comment. You’re speaking very calmly with eloquent words, and then you throw in, “I still hate that son of a bitch for everything he put me through.” Ah, that made me laugh! It’s funny how even when we’re in the best mood, all it takes it one person to bring up the ex spath, and we go straight to profanity in a heartbeat! Hehe.

You are right about the skeletons in the closet. However, I don’t think we need to take all those great qualities and detract from them. Maybe I’m forever trying to be the optimist, but I’d rather say that (based on all the adjectives you just used) you had a really good base with some areas that could have been improved. Let’s say you had a few doors and windows unlocked, and maybe you forgot a few other safety precautions. Yeah, maybe the closet got blown to bits and then we realize how much was stuffed in there! I think you’ve really made a good point with this. This experience has made me feel very poignantly how much my P father “screwed me up” for lack of a better phrase. At least now I can get to the root of the problem.

I am really glad you were able to connect with some of the things I wrote. I bet most of those adjectives, if not all of them, still describe you. When I got past the material losses (money, my cat, and some keepsakes, mostly) I realized that I was still standing, and those traits were not tied to those objects.

Anyways, nice to see you and good point about the skeletons. I am going to go take a bath and consider that angle too.

Panther,

Illuminating post! Bravo. You will recover 🙂

We do, absolutely, become more of our core/true self when we do the work of uncovering the why’s and what-for’s for being in relationships with bad people. But, like you have pointed to so well, we also reunite with ourselves when we can acknowledge our goodness before we were shredded. I am guessing that for each of us one part of this equation is easier and the other difficult.

I struggled finding any goodness in me. But that had always been true, even when I wasn’t in a post traumatic state. No matter my accomplishments and good life/friends, I had a general sense of being bad in me that was a life long companion.

It is wise to accept that predators do go after people who have what they do not (money, security, feelings, intuition, empathy, caring, cooperative spirit, ability to be vulnerable and allow others’ access to our inner selves). All abilities/endowments to be held to and cherished.

Some things we carry and use into adulthood are delusions (that is not bad, they were just ‘created’ when we were little ones). And those delusions are the cracks in our reality that predators use to ‘get in’, so they can ‘steal our goodies’ (our goodness). Well, not only do they NOT steal our goodness, but the end result is we get to let go of some of our old crap that isn’t helping us anyway.

So, thank-you for this reminder! I am years out from my last tangle with a bad person…..and I am more connected to my genuine OK-ness.

It is always good to remember that if the creation/life is good, so must be the person who has created it. Even if someone came along and tried to commandeer our creation…they really can’t get at the real thing they come to steal….US.

slim

GREAT Article, Panther! Good analogies and also great insight!

You are right that when someone is a “newbie” in great emotional pain and devastation they can look at those of us who have been on this ROAD toward HEALING and want to IMMEDIATELY be where we are now, and feel like they can’t get there, but one thing I always try to stress to newbies is IT TAKES TIME….

I remember when I was 7 years old, my FONDEST WISH was to be 10 years old. I thought that if I were 10 years old I would have everything in the world that was good, but I didn’t want to WAIT…I wanted it now.

There are so many things that take TIME TO ACCOMPLISH and cannot be rushed, and healing is one of those things that must move at its own pace. Just like you can’t rush the hatching of an egg by turning up the heat—you only COOK IT if you do that, so PATIENCE is also a virtue that we must learn as we heal.

I’m don’t have a natural tendency to be patient, and so have had to work veyr hard at developing a patience—but I’ve always wanted it RIGHT NOW!

So hang on Panther, I think you are WELL on your way for what you have been through….just keep on the track and don’t slide off side into the ditches of despair or the swamps of depression, and for Goodness sakes, don’t listen to the “siren song” that the psychopaths sing inside our heads and hearts to “come to me I’ll love you foreverrrrrr” which is a LIE that will destroy our entire lives.

Panther,

Take a moment and pat yourself on the back for what you have accomplished !!!!

I think you are a very strong, sincere and insightful young woman. With the lessons you have learned, in such a short period of time, I am sure you will go forward and have the happy fulfilled life you so deserve. I am proud of you.

Love – MiLo

Dear Panther,

wow, that is all I can say. Less than a month after NC (3 1/2 years ago) I was still phoning on an almost daily basis to my sister, we called it “lovesick anonymous help line” My sister is by the way a N but introduced me to the term “psychopath”. aka as my ex-soulmate-dream-come-true-destroyer-underminer-pedantic-know-it all). I was out of the blue crying in front of my boss, was not able to carry out my work properly, was a complete basket case. It was completely cold turkey detox from a very potent drug, HORRIBLE. I found LF after 2 months into NC.

You can be VERY proud of yourself having so much insight after just a very short time elapsed; I think you have done some very important works before!

Very helpful for me understanding better what was going on was the series of Kathleen Hawk. And of course coming here to vent, getting the much needed validation (YES, it is NORMAL, YOU are O.K. one step a time, the hugs and the warmth and the wisdom and the living proof that the effects are “manageable” and that the outcome is VERY favorable once the stinking shit is transformed into fertilizing good manure (my favourite analogy!). And most important: TAKE YOUR OWN TIME, IT IS YOUR GOOD LIFE THAT LIES AHEAD.

All the best and hugs

Panther!

I don’t post frequently, but I wanted to jump in to say how valuable your second-to-last paragraph was for me. Yes, there had to be something there to take — or tear down — things that not everyone has which is why the targetting was focused to you. In looking back to it, or what existed before the meeting of the abuser or predator, or at least before the abuses began, many of us would or will have things to be proud of upon review or reminding.

I have not seen anyone put it the way you did.

I also have been contemplating how many women I know who have their standards of living subsidized by their chosen partners, or seek to have that situation. Some have even rationialized garnering of some of the resources that would otherwise go to the partners’ children by earlier marriage. As much as I might like to have someone else upgrading my standard of living or giving me things, I have mostly had to make my way on my own materially, as it sounds you did. I think there are reasons to be proud of managing to do that.

I gather you are in pain, from how you describe your current situation and how recent the last contact and damage has been. And yet you are so clearheaded, insightful, lucid…

THANK YOU for sharing your insights, and I wish you the most fruitful recovery from your ordeal.

Hugs to you, and honor to your departed feline companion. RIP.

Panther,
You really do impress me with your insights and how far you’ve come in only one month. I can’t wait to see how much growth you will acheive in the future. You are a force to be reckoned with – spaths watch out – we have a new spathinator.

Your analogies give me so much food for thought. How do we hide our valuables from spaths? Answer: In plain sight. Put them in a bin labeled “Garbage”. Spaths only go after what we value, but they can’t know what that is until we display that we value it.

Example: My spathy, crazy, husband-stealing neighbor was having an affair with my spath. In her psychopathic tell, she told me, “I only date married men.” Another time, she said, “I’m dating 2, maybe 2 and a half, married guys right now.” I didn’t know what to think, so I said, “If you want my piece of shit, you can have him anytime.” LOL! So I figuratively, put my spath in the garbage and she realized that when she thought she was stealing my valuables, she was actually just taking out my trash. ROTFLMAO!

I think she told him. Soon after that he became extra vicious and began plotting my final demise. 😛

Good to see you still around/back raggedy Ann, some great points as well.

I think the panther has impressed us all! She’s come a long way in a short time!

Panther, thanks for your insight. It brings up questions about healing that I’ve been thinking about.

I’m experiencing the “3 steps forward, 2 steps back” phenomenon… I do so well for a couple weeks, then I read something in the news, or something very small starts a little memory, then I’m back to all the “bad thoughts” again. Also it seems when I get PMS I start the whole rollercoaster of “remembering” again.

I have been NC with this guy (not an ex, since we were not a “couple” ever in the first place) for a full year now, as of Labor Day weekend. (Yay!)

My husband encourages me to “move on” and not waste one more minute of our “good life now” on past problems. I’m really trying to do that. I know it’s no fun for him to have to hear me re-hash everything over and over. I’m pretty determined not to do that with him anymore. He is very supportive and willing to listen, but I think I can handle it without piling all that ugliness on him.

As always, I’m stuck on the two different ways of looking at things. In one scenario, the young man I tried to mentor was an evil P, determined to do anything he wanted at any whim and any cost, and his abuse of me rests on him alone. In the other scenario, I’m the bad one, and I should have been a rock-solid adult, capably helping an abused young person get straightened out in life, but instead I turned sick and pitiful, and I was allowing his evil ways to flourish. I really, really, would like to believe that the fault was his alone, period. That would be such a tidy way to heal. I just can’t forgive myself for my part in it. In scenario 2, I make myself sick thinking about it. I hate myself! So I like the perspective of Scenario 1, but I tell myself, “Sure, that’s an easy out. Just blame him, how convenient.” I am so frustrated with myself! When I truly intended to do good in the world, I wound up doing the total opposite. The whole ordeal was a disaster to everyone.

The situation in the news, with the girl whose church made her apologize for even her possible 1% fault in the rape… I think, even if my fault was small, even 1%, I can’t stand myself for it. I have apologized to God Himself, many times. Even during the ordeal, I would weekly beg forgiveness during communion. Eventually to the point that I would say, Well here I am again this week God, same thing again…

Anyway, my best way of coping has been my husband’s strategy: just don’t think about it anymore. “Move on.” (A few months ago, I hated those words, but not so much anymore.) Is this healthy? Does this work? I don’t like being dishonest with myself, and just blaming it all on the P, but the guilt otherwise is crushing. It seems unhealthy to pretend nothing ever happened though. Any ideas, anybody, on what a good healed-up self-image should look like?

justdreamin,
I think you can forgive yourself once you know that it will never happen again. And you can know that when you understand why it happened in the first place. I mean REALLY, REALLY understand it, in all its nuances and facets.

It sounds like you are not there yet. If you were, you would then simply move on.

Right after my escape from the spath, I began reading and educating myself. Like panther, I learned very quickly. Probably because 80% of my brain is engaged 98% of the time in thinking about spaths. But why haven’t I been able to move on? Probably because I don’t think I’m done learning what I need to learn to be sure it won’t happen again.

Case in point: It was only this summer, 2 years after all the evil happened, that I have finally been able to perceive my mother as a spath. Quite a diabolical one, actually. Before I could get there, I had to perceive my father’s mother as the diabolical spath that she is. Ironically, my own mother provided that piece of the puzzle with a vignette she recently told me about my father’s family history. Then, I could see a pattern repeating and I was able to see ANOTHER woman I know who fit very closely the same diabolical profile. My grandmother’s evil, makes my spath look kind of tame or at least like a bumbling fool, in comparison.

This is very validating and liberating for me. It brings me closer to understanding what happened to me and why.

I think that in the end you won’t need to forgive yourself or anyone else. You will just know why things were the way they were.

Skylar, that is excellent. Thank you. I hadn’t even thought of that. A few random things have happened lately that have caused me to question, could it happen again? You said it exactly.

I am not particularly afraid of the spath, physically. He has obeyed the restraining order 100% for a year now. I guess I am afraid that *mentally* someone could get the best of me. I know much much more than before, but I know I am still weak in some ways too. And I am not proud of that. It is a source of shame for me that it ever happened, and that I can’t even say now, for sure, that it would NEVER happen again. I wish I could.

I’m not sure what my “goal” in healing should be, but I think if I can get to the point that I can think about all of this, even if a thought comes unexpectedly, that it won’t knock me down. I should be able to think about that part of my life without re-experiencing real pain. “Not thinking about it” doesn’t seem a good goal to me. For one thing, I am going to think about it because any number of odd things bring it back up (Pepsi, caramel apples, Jeeps, etc., etc.).

Panther-that was a beautiful and meaningful post. It was wonderful. I haven’t been posting a lot lately. You are making such progress after just a month of NC. I want you to know that it took me 2 years to get over the Narcissist that brought me here. I am a magnet to THEM and even though he is out of my life, new ones always come about.

I am hope with my cat and looking for a job and doing temp work. I am scared but I am also drama free-ALMOST, and it is the most different feeling that I’ve ever felt. I just want everyone here to know that I finally know just how powerful that drama addiction is and I feel I am at a turning point with it. Now it is dealing with the “thing next door”, who I believe has high N traits or is just crazy.

Last night I kept thinking of ways to go outside to my truck to get something after she was home-with the chance of running into her. I fought that urge and told myself- Self, you do not NEED to go out there for anything. You know you don’t want to see her. I had to email her today because I ask the landlord a question and he didn’t know the answer and told me to ask her. All I wanted to know was if the power went out while I was gone due to the storms. When I returned, my ice was all melted in a weird way and I was afraid of having to throw out a whole freezer full of fish and meat.

I think I am just going to go ahead and throw it all out. I’m sure she will NOT return the email. I don’t even care for her to do so. I am different now than I was when I left and I don’t want any contact with her. I am going to be only a next door neighbor to her and not a friend.

I really hope that after all the drama from the situation ended that I won’t be so quick to fall into the trap of another N. I became so aware of my father’s N characteristics when I was working by him at the job. I do really feel the empty feeling from “lack of drama”-as Sky ways, but my cat is filling that void quite nicely.

Panther, I found your post beautiful, inspiring, and very well written. The part that touched me the most was the loss of your cat. Just the thought makes me fight back the tears. I’m sorry for all you have lost in your life.

Panther

Your post was very moving. It was an awesome post.

One month NC is a huge accomplishment. Please stay on the path.

There are days where you will think you can not move forward. But you will.

I have learned after failing NC so many times, and getting back on the path again, that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

Best, Hugs,

Superkid10

Skylar

Isn’t it amazing how much the PATTERNS help us learn? When we’re not seeing things, hearing things, experiencing things in isolation?

Your story about learning about your grandmother let you see a pattern, a really important pattern. It was an aha moment for you

I sleuthed my spath to the 99th degree in every way possible. I did this because I didn’t live with the man and there was a lot I didn’t konw. I investigated every possible thing. Work, home, relatives, hobbies, friends, education, EVERYTHING. And everywhere I looked I found PATTERNS that painted a clearer and clearer story of a SPATH. This is how I got out in 3 years, not 30. I was forced to see the truth. The patterns don’t lie.

HUGS

Superkid10

Star and Panther-I totally agree with what Star just said about losing your cat. I have only had mine for a little over two weeks and he totally saved my life. He filled up a huge whole in my heart that has been empty for so long. He is the only one who is going to give me unconditional love without any Narcissism and if something happened to him, I would die.

Just after my last post, I finally saw HER, for the first time in almost 8 weeks. I had resolved to keep my distance and keep my life drama free by not going near her and I ran into her totally by accident. My legs were shaking so bad when I was standing next to her that I thought I was going to fall down. I had to get in the house as fast as I could and hold my cat. It’s amazing that crazy people can be so unbelievably beautiful. I finally know how it feels to be “weak in the knees” and I have never had that kind of reaction to ANYONE in my life-not even my spath.

To top it off I get an email from my estranged sister who is tight with N mother. I hadn’t had any contact with her since 2008 after having a huge fight over N mother and me calling her a bitch and walking out of her house. She used her daughter to get to me. She gave me this spiel about how her daughter asks about me all the time and wanted her to make things right with me. She used my cute little 8 year old niece to try to melt my heart but NEVER apologized to me for the miles of hurt that she has created in my life-saying evil things to me that have permanently damaged my self esteem, so much that my friends who haven’t ever met her wanted to kick her ass.

She ended up getting to how I needed to make things right with my N mother and to let her back in my life. I am crying right now because I just don’t know how to react to this. She told me how she hopes something earthshaking happens to me this year so I will realize how important family is. She wants me to feel something that “knocks me off my feet” to come to my senses and realize that I shouldn’t stay angry.

She has NO idea what has happened to me in my life and has NO idea that 2011 has been the worst year of my entire life, and that I have so much PTSD regarding her and my N mother. I just don’t know what to say. I am crying while hugging my cat because I don’t know what else to do. This morning and into the afternoon I felt so STRONG and now both of these things happening makes me feel so weak.

Lizzy, I have dealt with SO much negativity from neighbors here. I wish I’d never gotten friendly with any of them in the first place. And I still see the hot neighbor boy around. Sometimes we park our cars next to each other – it’s very weird. But my life moves on. My place is under contract for a short sale. Once it sells, I will be free to go wherever I want within my means. I’m hoping to head south eventually where the weather is warmer, until I can ever realize my dream to move to Costa Rica.

I’ve had two near misses to relationships this summer. One ended abruptly when the guy discarded me in sociopathic fashion. It took about 3 weeks to really get over it, but one day I just woke up and the spell was broken. Fortunately, I had not even so much as kissed him. The other was a physicist I dated for about 3 weeks and really liked. I had only kissed him but nothing more. He was not spathy, but he did something really lame that I couldn’t get past (long story), so I ended it. I am at the point in my life where I just don’t put up with crap from a man. If one so much as looks at me the wrong way, I’m out of there.

In the aftermath of all this, I had a reading with a psychic that came with very high recommendation from (of all people) my therapist. The psychic was supposed to have a very high rate of accuracy. She seemed like a real healer when I met her. I asked her what happened with some of the men in my life – from their perspective. I wanted to see how far off I was in my assessments. I had nailed the one spathy guy pretty well. As an afterthought, I asked her about my neighbor, the rock star, and what happened with him. She said something really surprising. She told me he actually had really liked me but I acted SO independent and played so many games – talking about other guys, etc. – that he got scared and shut down and that’s why he went away. She said he is not the player I think he is and that the reason he sits out on his porch shirtless and parks next to me, etc., is to get my attention. She told me he is 1000 times more sensitive than I am and that if we ever were to hang out again, I absolutely cannot play games with him – I have to put my cards on the table. She went on to say (unsolicited) that he and I have been married before in past lives and that we would have a great relationship but we both have to come clean and stop playing games. She also said I’d have to lay down some ground rules with him. She said he would be a lot of work and I might not think he’s worth it. She said he is really a good guy, and that even though so much time has elapsed, he still really likes me. But he will NEVER make the first move. What a bind for me! I don’t want to make any move after all this time.

This was very odd to hear. I had interpreted his motives in the most negative of ways, and of course everyone here thought he was a spath. So because psychics are sometimes wrong, I tested her theory a tiny bit. One day I walked out of my house right by his patio where he was out sunning. We hadn’t spoken for about 8 months. I did something that was very hard to do. I turned around as I walked by and said “good morning” to him with a very genuine smile. He said “Good morning Sherri!” and was grinning from ear to ear. “How are you doing?” he said. “Good, and you?” “Good! Good to see you!” “Good to see you too.” And with that I walked out to my car. He gave me the most genuine and intimate of smiles. I was sure he would call me that night. I was wrong.

A few days later I met his best friend at the pool for the first time by accident. I did not know who he was at first. The best friend lives two floors up from him. I did not realize who it was, but eventually the friend – when he figured out who I was – started talking to me about the neighbor boy. (Not sure why). He went on and on about what a great guy the neighbor is and how people always take advantage of his kindness. I said nothing. I played my hand very close to my chest and kept a poker face. I’m not sure why. I could have told the friend how I felt, and the friend would tell the neighbor, but I chose not to say anything. The next time I saw the friend at the pool, the friend immediately disappeared. He came back 15 minutes later and walked right up to me and said, “I tried to get (neighbor boy) to come to the pool but he wouldn’t come out.” I couldn’t understand why the friend would tell me that, unless he is trying to set us up. It was a very odd scenario. The friend was constantly talking about the neighbor boy to me. I didn’t know what to say!

So my feelings have been stirred again. I’m not sure what to think but I still don’t want to call him. Maybe if I ever move, I will reach out to him before I move. I think I’ll feel a lot better if I can ever talk to him. I realize that no matter what may go on in his head, he will never reach out to me and make the first move.

So Lizzy, that’s MY neighbor story. I’m sorry about the way yours turned out. 🙁 I didn’t read what she did that was so spath-like. I read the part about how she is not in love with you. 🙁 I can’t imagine how hard this must be to live with. I hope you can move some time and make a clean break.

Love,

Star

Lizzy, we must have posted over each other. I agree about the cat. I loved cats long before my snake obsession. I had four at one point. The reason I became a stripper all those years ago was for my cats. I was living with a guy in his house and somewhat financially dependent on him. He was very narcissistic. We had adopted a cat together who was tiny, tigery, and totally adorable. Her name was Leah, but I called her Shnook-a-leah because I called all my cats “shnooklets.” I still do with my remaining cat.

But Shnook-a-leah hated that guy. He was so loud and obnoxious, she’d run from him. She was supposed to be “his” cat, but she hated him. He got upset with her one day. He picked her up and threw her across the room. Fortunately, she landed on my bed, so she didn’t get hurt, only traumatized. That was the last straw for me. The next day, I started doing ‘outcalls’ as a stripper. It was very dangerous, and I even rented his car from him to do it because my car was 20 years old and barely ran. After 3 months, I bought a condo, remodeled it, bought a car, and paid it off. I was able to get Leah and my two other cats away from him and be independent for the first time in my life. Unfortunately, the 4th cat (Little Monkey Shnook) disappeared and was never found. I think she ran off and was found by some local kids. So this is one casualty of living with a personality disordered man. I, too, lost a cat, and nearly lost two. 🙁

Many years later I did a google search on him and found out he was a child molestor. Surprise surprise.

Superkid,
yep. I want to get to know the patterns so well that I can say, “No I don’t know the man, but I know the type.” and be dead on accurate. Call it profiling or call it discernment. Call it what you will. I think I’ll call it wisdom: a merging of gut intuition with the lessons of experience.

The disordered are everywhere and they all follow typical patterns. It would be dumb not to access those patterns to know what we are dealing with.

I’m doing very well with some of those patterns, but I don’t have them all down pat. Getting better though. ((Hugs back))

Liz,
umm… I hate to break the news to you but…all cats are narcissists! You did it again, you fell for another one. 🙂

This one, though, is a darling one who actually IS the center of the universe. All cats are. So he’s entitled to your worship, make sure you are worthy of him! Catnip should be your daily offering.

About your sister… PLEASE go potted plant and gray rock on her. The things she said are beyond abusive. She is so manipulative and deserves to be drawn and quartered. She is trying to bring you back into her control for the SOLE purpose of torturing you for her amusement. That she is severely disordered is obvious.

You owe her and your N-mom nothing. You owe yourself and your kitty, peace.

Star-I just realized once I was gone that she definitely has serious issues and has tons of N traits but I think she also has schizoid qualities as well-totally hermit and just weird. She sent me a very cold hearted email while I was away and then I cut off all email. She created way too much drama for me and I had no desire to be anywhere near her-to me she is just the person who lives next door, and that’s what I had been feeling since I went away. Before I left though she was giving me mixed messages after telling me that she wasn’t gay and that she was sorry that she wasn’t. Way too much drama. I was just totally thrown off by my reaction to her tonight-the physical reaction, because I had closed myself off to her and didn’t want contact. Right now as I type, my cat is sitting on my shoulder watching the screen on my computer. He is the sweetest thing ever.

I am just so angry over the email from the sister, using the pity ploy, using her daughter-the whole thing was totally spathy-not acknowledging so much hurt that she caused in my life and trying to make me feel bad for poor her, because my N mother gave me all the attention. I guess she can’t see that my mother did those things because she looked at me as an extension of herself and saw us as one person-not two different ones. My mother’s own sister told her that she was WAY too involved in her kid’s life and that it wasn’t healthy.

Sky-he is the ONLY narcissist worth loving and he has quickly become the center of my universe. My stepmom said that he won the lottery the day he came home with me and she is right. He adopted me. He loves his mama and he is so cuddly and sweet and playful and silly. He snuggles up to me at night and sleeps right next to me in the bed.

He was introduced to the thing next door this evening, when I unexpectedly ran into her. Of course I was absolutely weak in the knees because she looked so beautiful, and at the same time I was thinking-OMG this crazy thing is touching my cat, I don’t like this at all and we went inside and got away from her. I plan to do everything possible to keep away from her. You were so right about her-she is crazy!

Liz, I don’t know if one cold email makes a person a spath or a narcissist, but it sounds like she definitely triggered you into some deeper pain. I regard people like this as teachers because they trigger the things we need to heal. I’m still hurting over what my neighbor (other neighbor) did to me over the bike (other thread). But I know he is in my life because he is like my mother and is manipulative like her. He has opened up the pain of my mother’s betrayal. I consider it the final “fuck you” to a narcissistic person when you can use them for your own healing. They tried to take from you, but you are really taking something from them – which is healing. And I am very clear that if he ever tries to talk to me again, I will very clearly state, “I don’t ever want to talk to you again.” There will be no anger, just clarity. And inside, I will be thanking him endlessly for the lesson he taught me.

Star,
excellent perspective. Pain is a great teacher. Though an odious one.

Your other neighbor, the rockstar, is an interesting case.

It’s possible that he has convinced his best friend that he has the hots for you. Whether it’s true or not, I can’t know. But what we can both do, is stand back and look at his behavior objectively. Is his behavior that of a mature individual? What you have described so far sounds very much like the high school drama I avoided even when I was in high school. (One reason I preferred to date pedophiles when I was a teen). From everything I’ve learned about spaths, they are emotionally arrested individuals. So maturity is the biggest sign of not being a toxic or disordered person.

Of course, our task is to not be immature ourselves, so that we can attract the mature and normal people to us.

Star-it isn’t just one cold hearted email. There is a lot of behavior on her part that is extremely uncomfortable to me and most of the things about her I do not share here, nor do I intend to. All I know is that there is something extremely wrong with this woman and it freaks me out that I still get weak knees like jello when I am around her. It gives me bad freakin vibes. It gives me really bad vibes that I have NEVER EVER had this kind of reaction to anyone before-not even the spath who brought me here. I can’t be friends with her even, because she doesn’t have friends-only acquaintances that she calls friends. She hasn’t a clue in the world what that word even means-she has NO idea how to be a friend and I seriously doubt that she has any idea how to be girlfriend. That is why she is almost 62 years old and has never had a serious relationship. I couldn’t begin to say what is wrong with her, but something BAD IS wrong with her and she doesn’t deserve to be close to me. The things that she says and the things that she does do not make sense together.

Liz,
sheesh, she sounds EXACTLY LIKE MY PSYCHOPATHIC MOTHER: NO FRIENDS AT ALL.

SCARY.

Sky-something is seriously wrong over there and it IS very scary. I don’t go into details about all the stuff she says and does but it scares me even more the physical reaction that I had tonight when I ran into her. The fact that I have NEVER felt like this or had this type of reaction to someone is a massive red flag to me. I used to feel that same way about the spath who brought me here-I said the same thing to people about my reaction to him, but the physical reaction that I have toward her is 10 times more intense. She is the most intensely beautiful woman that I’ve ever seen and it scares the shit out of me and it makes me want to stay away!!

Liz,
you had all the information you needed when she told you that she didn’t like to be crossed and she sought revenge against someone who spoke out against her.

scary.

Not to get too off-topic, but since there are so many cat lovers here, I just thought some of you might enjoy this. It was written by H P Lovecraft:

“That dogs are dear to the unimaginative peasant-burgher whilst cats appeal to the sensitive poet-aristocrat-philosopher will be clear in a moment when we reflect on the matter of biological association. Practical plebeian folk judge a thing only by its immediate touch, taste, and smell; while more delicate types form their estimates from the linked images and ideas which the object calls up in their minds. Now when dogs and cats are considered, the stolid churl sees only the two animals before him, and bases his favour on their relative capacity to pander to his sloppy, unformed ideas of ethics and friendship and flattering subservience. On the other hand the gentleman and thinker sees each in all its natural affiliations, and cannot fail to notice that in the great symmetries of organic life dogs fall in with slovenly wolves and foxes and jackals and coyotes and dingoes and painted hyaenas, whilst cats walk proudly with the jungle’s lords, and own the haughty lion, the sinuous leopard, the regal tiger, and the shapely panther and jaguar as their kin. Dogs are the hieroglyphs of blind emotion, inferiority, servile attachment, and gregariousness—the attributes of commonplace, stupidly passionate, and intellectually and imaginatively undeveloped men. Cats are the runes of beauty, invincibility, wonder, pride, freedom, coldness, self-sufficiency, and dainty individuality—the qualities of sensitive, enlightened, mentally developed, pagan, cynical, poetic, philosophic, dispassionate, reserved, independent, Nietzschean, unbroken, civilised, master-class men. The dog is a peasant and the cat is a gentleman.
We may, indeed, judge the tone and bias of a civilisation by its relative attitude toward dogs and cats. The proud Egypt wherein Pharaoh was Pharaoh and pyramids rose in beauty at the wish of him who dreamed them bowed down to the cat, and temples were builded to its goddess at Bubastis. In imperial Rome the graceful leopard adorned most homes of quality, lounging in insolent beauty in the atrium with golden collar and chain; while after the age of the Antonines the actual cat was imported from Egypt and cherished as a rare and costly luxury. So much for dominant and enlightened peoples. When, however, we come to the grovelling Middle Ages with their superstitions and ecstasies and monasticisms and maunderings over saints and their relics, we find the cool and impersonal loveliness of the felidae in very low esteem; and behold a sorry spectacle of hatred and cruelty shewn toward the beautiful little creature whose mousing virtues alone gained it sufferance amongst the ignorant churls who resented its self-respecting coolness and feared its cryptical and elusive independence as something akin to the dark powers of witchcraft. These boorish slaves of eastern darkness could not tolerate what did not serve their own cheap emotions and flimsy purposes. They wished a dog to fawn and hunt and fetch and carry, and had no use for the cat’s gift of eternal and disinterested beauty to feed the spirit. One can imagine how they must have resented Pussy’s magnificent reposefulness, unhurriedness, relaxation, and scorn for trivial human aims and concernments. Throw a stick, and the servile dog wheezes and pants and shambles to bring it to you. Do the same before a cat, and he will eye you with coolly polite and somewhat bored amusement. And just as inferior people prefer the inferior animal which scampers excitedly because somebody else wants something, so do superior people respect the superior animal which lives its own life and knows that the puerile stick-throwings of alien bipeds are none of its business and beneath its notice. The dog barks and begs and tumbles to amuse you when you crack the whip. That pleases a meekness-loving peasant who relishes a stimulus to his sense of importance. The cat, on the other hand, charms you into playing for its benefit when it wishes to be amused; making you rush about the room with a paper on a string when it feels like exercise, but refusing all your attempts to make it play when it is not in the humour. That is personality and individuality and self-respect—the calm mastery of a being whose life is its own and not yours—and the superior person recognises and appreciates this because he too is a free soul whose position is assured, and whose only law is his own heritage and aesthetic sense. Altogether, we may see that the dog appeals to those primitive emotional souls whose chief demands on the universe are for meaningless affection, aimless companionship, and flattering attention and subservience; whilst the cat reigns among those more contemplative and imaginative spirits who ask of the universe only the objective sight of poignant, ethereal beauty and the animate symbolisation of Nature’s bland, relentless, reposeful, unhurried, and impersonal order and sufficiency. The dog gives, but the cat is.”

At any rate, I suppose I shouldn’t be amused by this, as I myself have always had a strong preference for dogs over cats! (I also thought it was funny that he mentions panthers!)

Sky,
You are right about my rock star neighbor – he definitely appears to play high school games. And so have I. And yet curiously, I’m still attracted to him because I am more interested in what is in his heart and not the silly ways he goes about getting what he wants. I think he has a good heart. I can see it in his eyes. Dang, those past-life connections are so powerful (if that is in fact what is going on here). The thing about the games that we have both played is that it speaks to whether we will EVER get together – not how it will be if we do. I suspect we could have a great relationship if we both could stop playing games. BOTH. I parked next to his car the other night. lol I could have parked in a different spot. I just got my little red del sol painted, so it looks like a new car. I wanted him to notice. I feel like I’m in high school, and I take 100% responsibility for that. On the other hand, when I became interested in other men in the past year, I totally forgot the neighbor. This is what I’m hoping will happen. He is such a boy. And such an adorable one. I can’t help liking him. He has so many other qualities. And also, I was very impressed by his best friend. I thought this guy would be a player. But he’s a school teacher who is very generous and devoted to his students. Anyway, the thing with the rock star neighbor drives me crazy a little, but not in a bad way. It takes me back to high school when I had crushes on boys but would be mortified for them to know, because I was not popular. I am waiting to do some more healing (I’ve been doing a lot) before I say something to him. I want to make sure that if I get rejected, I can handle it. Either that or I want to make sure that if I get rejected, I’ll be on my way to another place to live. But I have a sneaking feeling that we could have something really great. I am patient and waiting, mostly for myself. And if someone else comes along in the meantime, so much the better.

Okay, Lizzy, onto your situation…………. I would never second-guess your perceptions of your neighbor. A 62 year-old woman who has never been in a serious relationship probably does have some relationship issues. And also, this doesn’t change the fact that she triggered you into some of your own pain, which really doesn’t have anything to do with her. It’s really unfortunate, though, that you don’t have any space from her to focus totally on yourself. It’s very distracting to live next door to someone who triggers such strong feelings. It’s hard to tell what is just your feelings and what is her shooting out bad vibes. This is a challenge for you to stay true to your own feelings and keep your healing about you and not her. It’s easy to project onto someone else when you’re in pain that they are the source of your pain. There is a difference between someone being the source of your pain and being the trigger. Since she is no longer in your life, she can only inflict pain on you if you let her.

Constantine, what does the author say about snakes? lol (owner of two boa constrictors here……..)

Hello everyone! I am going to respond one person at a time so I don’t get confused.

Slimone: You said that you always struggled to find goodness in yourself, even before the spath. I think what this means is that we were probably hurt or misguided even before the spath, which of course made us more vulnerable. I know that my P father set me up for a lot of my difficulties later in life, including being able to see the good in myself and feeling worthy of love as a human being. There really is something to be said about the fruit being the “hint hint” that there must be a vibrant, healthy, beautiful tree nearby. I suppose what I’m suggesting is that those of us who feel a bit unsure of ourselves go ahead and follow that fruit trail until we find the tree. Then we will see what we really are. YES, they wanted the tree, so they spent all their time throwing fruit around. Ha. Silly spaths. They’ll never get it.

OX: Thanks for your comments!! 🙂 I am also very impatient, so I know exactly what you mean. I get very frustrated when I even have the flu for 2 days. By day 2, I am angry that I’ve been so unproductive for over 24 hours and start to get real antsy. And, yes, that “I will love you foreverrrrr” is exactly what I will NOT be listening too. Especially with all those crazy “rrrrr’s” at the end. That’s how it sounds, isn’t it? There is a Tori Amos lyric that goes: “And as soon as you have rearranged the mess in your head, he will show up looking sane, perfectly sane, if I know crazy.”

Milo: Thanks to you too for your kind words 🙂 I guess I am doing better than I thought by what I am hearing here. Then again, it’s easier said/written than done. I wonder if we all might have been a bit stronger than we thought in those early days.

Libelle: I was lucky enough to find LF before I went NC. In fact, I actually referred him to the site at first, thinking maybe if he knew what was going on, that he’d try to change. That was before I really grasped what “sociopath” actually means. I thought it was “fixable” in those days. Then I started reading and reading, actually looking for ways to “fix” my sociopath boyfriend and realized that he would be “fixed” if I stopped talking to him 😛 Hehe. Yes, he is my ex-soulmate-dream-come-true-destroyer-under-minder- pedantic-know-it-all too!!! They really do read the same rule book! Ma’am, you say you’re still struggling. Just remember: That bastard isn’t worth the tears. You were AWESOME and every second you still mourn his loss or whatever was lost is another moment he’s sitting there snickering about his success in destroying you, and he doesn’t deserve the damn satisfaction! Shine! That is what you deserve….and it will wipe that snicker right off his face.

Raggedy Ann: First of all, I love Raggedy Ann!!! I live in Germany, and I saw the German DVD for it yesterday! Aha! I must watch it in German now! Thanks for your comments, and what a word: lucid. Wow. My kitty was Lucas Kitton (I am such a dork) and he was a bold, cuddly, sweet fat boy who dove into the sink every time he heard the water running. That was a special cat, and if HE didn’t deserve what the spath did to him, then neither did we. It’s so much easier to love someone/something else, but we need to learn to love ourselves too.

Sky: I’d am pleased that I can be a spathinator from time to time! Actually, I am so furious at the whole lot of spaths that I am ready to get a huge skillet collection in the garage. I want skillets with silver handles and skillets that shoot fire. I am really fed up with all the spath. Your neighbor…sheesh!!! How about that sentence! She only dates married men? HOW ON EARTH do they manage to utter the most INAPPROPRIATE things, yet just say it like it’s totally normal. My ex would say things like, “Well, I acted like a total asshole, hit her, lied to her, etc, so now she has major trust issues and behaves like a bipolar person with split personalities. I suffer so much from this torture!” No one would bat a freaking eye. It’s a spath-skill that I still don’t understand. How do they DO that? How do they say, “I eat babies for breakfast,” and yet everyone just keeps nodding like they said, “I eat eggs for breakfast.” How do they DO that?

Constantine,
My favorite joke about cats vs dogs- for a little 🙂

Dog Diary vs Cat Diary
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG’S DIARY
Day number 180
8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 182
8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT’S DIARY
DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair”must try this on their bed.
DAY 765
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was”Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid?! My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer..” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time”

justdreamin: A couple things you said struck me. First of all, your hubby tells you to just forget and look forward. I know he means well, and in some ways, this is good advice. However, I’ve noticed that my mind isn’t done with anything until it has received the full lesson from that experience. Sometimes I need to replay something over and over again until the “light bulb” comes on and I realize what I was meant to “learn” from that. Like Sky said, you need to really understand this before your mind will be able to let it go. It’s a life lesson. Like any lesson, we need to review and review to ace the test, to become competent enough to tackle any similar challenge that comes our way. Don’t “dwell” in the past, but processing is not a bad thing. Also, you said you feel guilty for even 1% involvement in the problem. Well, GOOD then that means you are not a sociopath!!! The difference we have to keep in mind is that EVERYONE messes up. No one is perfect. The difference is that a sociopath doesn’t care, doesn’t feel guilt. Normal people DO feel guilt, and guilt prevents them from making that same mistake again, especially if we hurt another person with our mistake. Rather than being worried about what you did wrong, you should find some consolation in the fact that you are human enough to care, responsible enough to accept consequences for your own actions, and smart enough to not do it again now.

Stargazer: Thanks for your kind words about my kitty. The pain from losing him is harder than any aspect of this, actually. Knowing that I judged his character SO wrong and then put an innocent creature in that kind of danger is something I feel horrible about. He trusted me to protect him, and then I let the devil into the home he felt safe in. I am so enraged at times that I want to go back, hunt down my ex….and make him at least show me where my cat is, even if it’s just the bones of my baby. Unfortunately, the legal system in Turkey would laugh at me if I filed a complaint that he killed my cat.

Superkid10: Thanks for your encouragement!

Liz: I think there was a spath tell in your post. She wants something to “knock you off your feet.” That sounds like a tell. You know what, the importance of family is a load of crap. I DO love my family very much, but believe me it’s not something I’ve decided based on blood lines alone! I do not utter a word to my P father or aunt (I have NO IDEA what is wrong with her, but she is a very abusive woman to everyone who loves her). There is a great saying about this: “Blood is thicker than water, but love is thicker than blood.” I have found other family members in the road of life, and many of them are not related by blood at all. Also, you used the word “spiel” which I wanted to mention translates to “play/game” in German. I thought you might find this interesting, considering how you used it. I am sick of drama too!!!! Hence to reason I spend a lot of time alone and waste absolutely ZERO time on people who try to stir up nonsense problems. Your kitty is a precious gift! Kiss him/her for me!!! My cat saved my life, and I saved him. I found him on the streets of Istanbul 3 years ago when he was the size of my hand. Neighborhood boys had killed all his siblings. He did save me.

You know what’s really odd? Okay, really really ODD! I was having this horrible day a few weeks ago, thinking of him, feeling SO MUCH GUILT for what happened to him, as I blame myself so much for the fact that I didn’t protect him better. Well, I was “in it” as I was walking out of my apartment, I mean to the point I could barely keep walking. When I got outside my apartment, this little cat came running up to me, meowing. He rubbed against my leg, purring, and just kept meowing like he had to tell me something (you know like when they want food or something! hahah). Anyways, he came from nowhere, and I have never seen this cat since. I pet him for a few moments, and I felt very strongly that he’d been told to come tell me that my kitty doesn’t blame me and that he loves me still. The timing was so strange for this random cat to show up and run straight towards me with such determination.

Constantine: I love that piece! However, I love dogs and cats very much. I love anything furry, and many things which aren’t furry. I just love animals.

Coping, that was HILARIOUS!!!!! Thanks for sharing!!! Hahahah. ROFL!!!!

Panther,
I am so sorry about your cat….losing a pet can hurt so badly. Please don’t continue to hurt yourself more. I stongly believe God, the Universe, whatever does send us little signs like that.

I’m glad you enjoyed the joke. Sometimes we all need a little laugh to get us through the tough times.

My cat kept me up so late being naughty last night. He has figured out how to open the closet door by himself, so he can get in there and make trouble. He also decided to keep grabbing the curtains and trying to bring them down in the living room and he climbed all the way up the window in the bedroom and it was hard to get him down. When he finally came down he was playing with his toy mouse and jumping and running all over the bedroom. He is a noisy little fella when he wants to be. Then when he finally came to bed he smacked me in the face with his paw when I was falling asleep.

My sister was so evil in her email to me last night-so spathy, but I decided to put it out of my mind. She has been jealous of me her whole life and was hateful to me for it. She wanted the attention of my N mother, and I just wanted mother to leave me alone and focus on her. I erased the email and I’ll never have to look at again and I sure won’t respond. I had no contact with her since at least 2008 and I sure won’t take the bait and start now. She has no idea how it is to live my kind of life-being an independent woman who takes care of herself. She is on her second marriage at age 36 after destroying what she had with the first one, after milking him for as much money as she could. She wanted that Dallas standard of living, whether he could spend the money or not. The new guy is totally opposite her and one I would never see her with-from what I hear, and we’ll see how long that lasts.
She gave me the pity ploy about her learning disabilities and her eating disorder.

She blamed her eating disorder on me when we were in our early 20s-she told me she didn’t want to be fat and disgusting like me. Of course, I became overweight by eating my pain after being sexual assaulted and not telling anyone about it. I love it how her pain is so important and mine isn’t. What a b***h.

Liz, I’m sorry about how your sister treats you, and personally, I would not allow anyone to talk to me like that. My sister was always very cruel and jealous of me, too. I think a lot of it had to do with us competing for crumbs of love from parents who never really were able to love us. We were pitted against each other in the process, and no matter how hard I tried as an adult, was never able to break through to my sister. I tried for years to have a relationship with her and finally gave up and let go of it. I feel it’s better to have no one in my life than to have people who tear me down, even if it is out of their own pain. I had compassion for my sister’s pain my whole life, even though she was always hostile to me. I even dreamt on a camping trip that she tried to kill herself (which, in fact, happened) and wanted to rush to her side afterward, but she didn’t want me there. It’s very very tragic how siblings can be so adversely affected by abuse that they cannot ever have a healthy relationship with each other. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. I just opted to walk after so many years of it.

I prefer cats to people, if that’s any consolation. What kind of cat do you have?

Star-thanks. I did walk years ago and now that I think about it, it has been since 2006 and not 2008 since I had contact with her. I was when N mother had her brain aneurysm in 2006. She and I got in a huge fight over N mother and I walked out and hadn’t spoken to her since-not even at my brother’s wedding in 2008.

I agree with what you said-I would rather be totally alone than having toxic family in my life. I am angry with her for using her daughter to get to me, and her talking about how her daughter inherited her learning disabilities, and how her daughter wants me in their lives. She basically insinuated that the estrangement between us was all MY fault and she refused to apologize and take ownership for all the evil that she did to try and pay me back for getting N mother’s attention. Then preceeded to lecture me about how I need to let N mother back in my life. NO WAY-it’s NOT happening.

I will be alone with my cat before I ever let that evil toxicity in my life. Remy is all I need in my life. BTW, he is an orange tabby. He has beautiful markings and he looks a lot like Morris.

Your cat sounds adorable! I’m down to my last cat – a black and white one named Destructo who was born on my bed 18 1/2 ago. They really are like little healers, aren’t they?

I am with you – I have NO tolerance for people who do not take responsibility for themselves. I don’t care who they are. I went through all the triangulation attempts with my mother back when I was still talking to both of them but they weren’t talking to each other. I’m glad to be free of it all now. I still dream about them, but in my dreams they are the mother and sister that I wished they could be.

Liz,
orange tabbys can be a handful. Have you tried holding him on his back and nuzzling his belly? It’s pretty fun. It’s most fun when they are kittens because they still have that kitten smell.

Plus it teaches them who’s boss. 🙂

Liz: Your sister reminds me of my aunt! My mom’s sister is like this. My mom herself is a fairly normal human being, but her sister is…well…I don’t know WHAT is wrong with her. I do know that the family tried to get her son taken away from her years ago when they learned she was smoking CRACK. She has gone from man to man, blatantly gold-digging. Our HUGE falling out (haven’t spoken to her since) was when she got me a summer job working for her latest sugar daddy at a “psychic hotline.” No, I wasn’t the psychic. I was just the “sales girl” and within a week, I couldn’t work for the guy. It was a little shop, and he had 12 cameras in it that he watched in his office all day long, all 12 angles. If anyone did or said anything wrong, his voice would ring over the loud speaker with a correction. And I mean this place was SMALL yet he couldn’t just walk out of his office to talk to anyone. Then I noticed he was ripping off customers. My aunt confessed that the guy had done serious prison time for fraud, but she didn’t care cause he had bought her a BMW! So, 7 days into the job, I refused to turn up for work one day. There was just NO WAY I could work for someone like that, no matter who he was dating in my family! My aunt FLIPPED OUT and started jumping up and down on his bed, screaming at me that I cannot just not show up for work, and how could I have managed to get a BA when I am clearly an idiot. She was SCREAMING and here was a 36-year-old woman jumping up and down on a BED screaming at her 24-year-old niece! I was staying in “his house” as a guest during the summer work set-up, and she screamed that now I was living there for FREE OMFG just like HER! I pointed out that SHE was also living there for free, and she screamed (exact quote coming): “Yes, but I am fucking him!” I didn’t utter so much as a word to her after that, just watched in shock as she ranted and raved. Then, when she finally calmed down, I looked at her very soberly and said, “I will never speak to you again.” And I walked out the front door. That was 3 years ago. She has sent me emails, facebook messages, etc saying, “Oh, how are you? How is your life! Oh, tell me all about Germany! How cool you live abroad!” She is CLUELESS.

I don’t know what your sister said in that mail, but I do know that family knows how to push our buttons, cause they know us well. Then, to top it off, when it’s family, there is an added sense of betrayal because we had tried so hard to love them as a family member yet they still hurt us and betrayed such a precious potential bond.

Also, your cat sounds ADORABLE. No matter how annoying they can be, it’s sooo worth all the racket in the night. My cat once used my face as a launch pad to jump after a fly!!! Oh my oh my!!! Such a cutie!!!

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