Editor’s note: The following letter was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Panther.”
This little bundle of words comes from a new survivor. I write this hoping that I can find these thoughts to be consolation for myself, as well as to share them with others for the same reason. Through reading various Lovefraud articles, I’ve realized that the veterans have so much invaluable advice to offer. However, at times I wonder how the voice of a survivor sounded right after the break. The reason this matters to me is because the veterans seem so much stronger than I feel right now. I cannot help but wonder, as I read through their wise words, if they have something I don’t have, which enabled them to get over this. Then I doubt myself, as the sound of my own trembling voice seems meek in comparison. I reason that I don’t have what it takes, like they do.
But this isn’t true, and I want to be a little voice here on Lovefraud that says:
“I’m still shaking in the aftermath. The voice of my oppressor is still ringing in my ears. My legs feel too weak to stand, and I don’t feel strong enough to overcome this ”¦ you’re not the only one.”
It’s been less than one month since I went No Contact. That isn’t to say that I haven’t felt an icy presence reaching for me across this void I’ve put between myself and that monster. Emotionally, I’m always slapping away an invisible hand that seems to be grasping for my heart—and sanity. I don’t know whom to trust, and I cannot see clearly. The whole world looks a bit like it’s covered in a giant rain cloud, and I feel as though I’m trying to navigate my way down a crowded highway as this huge cloud hangs so low in the sky that I cannot see even a few inches in front of my car.
Looking Back at the Disaster
The last thing I’d ever want to do is look back.
Yet, today, I actually did just that, and I was surprised at what I found. It was hard at first to peer far enough into this disaster to see more than a house torn to bits by a hurricane. At first, that’s all I saw. I saw my dreams shattered and thrown all over the ground like the china cabinet he punched one night. I saw my keepsakes covered in dirt and strewn around, like my body was every time he put his violent hands on me. All my savings were blown away with the strong winds, and they weren’t even in this mess for me to go collect with time. My cat, who had been a best friend throughout the torture, lay dead under the rumble now. There was nothing that this hurricane hadn’t destroyed of what I once called my life.
This is what I saw at first, which made me want to look ahead, never back. Also, everywhere I read, survivors are told to focus on the future, keep their eyes on new horizons. How was I to grapple with pummeling down this road in a beat up old car, directly into a dark and blinding cloud, while feeling like a bombed out, empty shell where once a human used to be?
Aha. Where once a human used to be. And who was she?
Again, I looked back. This time, past the rubble. Past the destruction. Surely, if there was a pile of destruction, then there must have been something to begin with. Right? You don’t end up with a toppled over house unless you have a house in the first place!
So then I saw beyond the broken pieces. I saw the whole house. I saw what I had built. Yes, me, just little ole me who is sitting here feeling so weak and unable to accomplish great things. I had accomplished many things, and this mess scattered behind me was a testament to what I had done with my life and who I had been before the hurricane. Yes, I had dreams. I pursued those dreams, and many of them, I accomplished. This means that I must have been an ambitious person, with healthy goals. I was someone who spent her time here on Earth trying to live a positive, productive life. Also, yes, I had savings. I had taken care of myself, stood on my own two feet, well enough to think of a rainy day. This means I was a responsible woman, someone I could count on. Yes, I had keepsakes. I didn’t accumulate random clutter. What I bothered to hold onto in life had meaning, which means that I was perhaps a sentimental woman, someone who placed more value in love and friendship than in material possessions. And, yes, I had a cat. I had made a commitment to care for another living creature, and I had followed through with that commitment every day. He was a happy cat that trusted people. That means he grew up with someone who taught him that he could trust, which means I was a trustworthy, dependable person at some point
For the first time, looking back was actually useful. There I saw a woman who was ambitious, productive, and positive. She was someone she could count on. She was trustworthy and dependable. She was capable of making commitments and keeping them. I also remember how much she trusted other people and in the good of humanity. It was only a matter of time, I suppose, until someone who didn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt came along and exploited a character trait that I should not be ashamed of. Yes, I’m wiser now, but having a generous, loving, trusting, and forgiving heart is nothing to feel stupid about.
Seeing Past the Mess
I’d like to ask new survivors to try this themselves. Try looking past the absolute destruction in your history. Try to see the destruction as an actual testament to what you were, because if there hadn’t been something to destroy, this wouldn’t have happened in the first place. Sociopaths look for someone who has something they can take away or ruin, whether it be money, love, intimacy/sex, trust, or emotional support. By the very fact that we were targeted means that we were carrying something of value to begin with, and I’m guessing that most of us, if not all of us, can take credit for the great people we were before we were targeted.
Look to your past to remember what an amazing person you were, even though it might hurt to know that this person was destroyed. But look anyways to remind yourself that you are strong, even in these moments when every step feels like a monumental achievement. We will never get back whom we used to be, not 100%. However, it might be a mistake to assume that we are not still fantastic, even if we don’t feel it right now. And, with the added wisdom of our experience, I bet we’ll build an even better house now, one that a hurricane cannot knock over.
ElizabethBennett
Star-You were right about who I was talking about. I am not trying to really be friends with her anymore, especially not more than that either. She is about to turn 62 next month and she has been like this her whole life. I can’t change her and I had to step back from her for that reason. I was just expressing concern with the fact that she seems close to having some kind of breakdown, and that makes me feel bad for her.
I myself, usually don’t get close to people very easily, because it is so hard to trust people’s motives-based on what I’ve been through in my life. There was some kind of connection with her when we met. I think I misconstrued something about her wanting to be friends. She calls me a friend but she doesn’t have friends-just acquaintances-so I guess I’m one of them. She has every symptom of schizoid-including being asexual. She told me that she doesn’t like men or women. That is hard for me to imagine-how sad. I like my sex-too bad I’m not getting any from a real person.
I hear her laughing loud about something over there, I can’t imagine what. These walls are so freakin thin over here. I don’t even really see it as pain so much anymore over the whole situation-it’s just very unfortunate. I don’t think she will ever trust anyone with her emotions-so I don’t think it’s just me. I don’t even know why it bothers me-I wish it didn’t.
Ox Drover
FAD, You are a wonderful young woman who has been under tremendous stress for some time now….and it is tiring, and now you must separate out the “important” things to stress over and the “UN-important” things to NOT STRESS OVER…and take control of the ones you can and let the others go.
I know you have a strong faith, so lean on that faith! ((((hugs)))) I’m proud of you,, Kiddo, you’ve come a long way in this mess!!!!
Perplexed and sad
It’s been 2 months since the truth came out. I haven’t posted for a little over half of that time, but I have been reading the posts pretty consistently. Most days I don’t think of him, but even when I don’t, my internal thoughts about all other aspects of my life are completely altered. I have tried thinking back on my life, how I use to be before HE entered it, and all it seems to do is make me more resentful of what I’ve lost. Recently I’ve started having dreams about him. One of them consisted of us driving around town in his current car, but when our ‘DATE’ was over, he dropped me off at my old house..the one where I lived, grew up, and where I lived when we dated while I was in high school (we were each other’s 1st true love and reunited after 30 years…his idea, he found me on the internet). That dream totally freaked me out, and what bothers me more is I can’t control my dreams, I can’t keep him OUT! There’s a nice man that is so very interested in me, that wants me, but I keep telling him I’m SCARRED and its very difficult to trust. Plus he’s 15 years older than me, a retired cop, and insecure and needy himself. That scares me. My post seems like I’m just rambling, and I probably am. I just thought that I need to get more actively involved with all of you because I know that this is the only place I can come to where everyone GETS IT. My own friends are probably getting tired of hearing about what I’m going through, but I know it’s because they are fortunate enough NOT to be able to relate.
superkid10
NEW STUDY SHOWS BANKERS ARE MORE RECKLESS AND MANIPULATIVE THAN PSYCHOPATHS – from the WALL STREET JOURNAL today.
Here is the link:
http://www.spiegel.de/international/zeitgeist/a-788462.html
panther
Perplexed, definitely spend some time in here if you need a community that understands you.
There is just one thing I wish you hadn’t said, which is that he was your first true love. No way! He a sociopath! Don’t let yourself believe that.
The fact that he dropped you off where you used to live actually makes me wonder if your subcon is trying to hint at you that either your home and history is directly related to you ending up with this kind of person, or that he helped you get back to your own roots as a person.
I gotta run but I will write more another time.
toodles
behind_blue_eyes
Superkid;
The article does not say if these other sociopathic traits were tested. It seems to me the study focused on recklessness and manipulation and perhaps willingness to cheat to gain an advantage.
However, I am not surprised that traders would be very sociopathic. Remember, our current economic crisis is largely due to the financial services industry as whole behaving in a very sociopathic manner.
I will say that again. Our our current economic crisis is largely due to the financial services industry as whole behaving in a very sociopathic manner..
We need to understand this or its going to happened again. Yet all we hear is “deregulation.”
skylar
Superkid,
why do you doubt this? Money is one of the reasons behind the demise of human values.
Of all the spaths in my life, the one thing that became obvious at the end, was that they valued nothing but money.
And I figured out why: Memetic desire. Everyone else wants it so it must be important. It is a superficial and superimposed value. there is no depth to the value of money. It’s a mathamatical construct, symbolic of what it can buy, but not the actual items. It is what it is.
Oh and I just realized why I hate that phrase (other than the fact that my spath neighbor would say it all the time.)
Spaths can never see beyond the surface. To them, everything “is what it is”, because they have erased their own core and are just empty shells without depth.
skylar
BBE,
You said it. “behaving in a very sociopathic manner.”
Looking at the markets swinging more wildly every day, on nothing more than rumor and speculations of rumors, I can’t help but remember the drama that my spath used to put me through, daily.
The whole idea is to keep the sheeple running from one market to another. First stocks seem bullish, then NOT, run to commodities as the dollar drops, but the fed is selling treasuries so they run to the safety of that meanwhile the stocks and commodities are sent into a tailspin and panic ensues. Just as we think those are bursting bubbles, the spaths announce that these are at “bargain prices! so don’t miss out!” and the sheeple stampede back to the Dow. LOL!!
It’s freaking comical!
And they can’t see it. There is only one group getting rich off the stampedes: the brokers. They make commission off each transaction, so of course they want people to run around buying and selling on fear and hope.
And the sheeple can’t see it. Because all that fear and hope gets the adrenalin rushing and by now they are addicted to the adrenalin. They can’t see it because they don’t want to see it. Seeing it would mean that they are addicts and their behavior irrational. Also it means withdrawal. Best not to see it.
WE can see it because we used to be like them.
behind_blue_eyes
Skylar;
I tried day trading and got out of it because I concluded it was a crazy way to make money, even if you were making money!
Our leaders are equal to blame, some being more sociopathic than others.
We are equally to blame, wanting our cake but not wanting to pay for it. Hello Rich Perry, goodbye middle class…
Louise
skylar:
I agree. That has also been my experience that the spaths love money and what it represents. They will do whatever it takes to uphold the image.
And Superkid…isn’t your spath a banker?