Editor’s note: The following letter was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Panther.”
This little bundle of words comes from a new survivor. I write this hoping that I can find these thoughts to be consolation for myself, as well as to share them with others for the same reason. Through reading various Lovefraud articles, I’ve realized that the veterans have so much invaluable advice to offer. However, at times I wonder how the voice of a survivor sounded right after the break. The reason this matters to me is because the veterans seem so much stronger than I feel right now. I cannot help but wonder, as I read through their wise words, if they have something I don’t have, which enabled them to get over this. Then I doubt myself, as the sound of my own trembling voice seems meek in comparison. I reason that I don’t have what it takes, like they do.
But this isn’t true, and I want to be a little voice here on Lovefraud that says:
“I’m still shaking in the aftermath. The voice of my oppressor is still ringing in my ears. My legs feel too weak to stand, and I don’t feel strong enough to overcome this ”¦ you’re not the only one.”
It’s been less than one month since I went No Contact. That isn’t to say that I haven’t felt an icy presence reaching for me across this void I’ve put between myself and that monster. Emotionally, I’m always slapping away an invisible hand that seems to be grasping for my heart—and sanity. I don’t know whom to trust, and I cannot see clearly. The whole world looks a bit like it’s covered in a giant rain cloud, and I feel as though I’m trying to navigate my way down a crowded highway as this huge cloud hangs so low in the sky that I cannot see even a few inches in front of my car.
Looking Back at the Disaster
The last thing I’d ever want to do is look back.
Yet, today, I actually did just that, and I was surprised at what I found. It was hard at first to peer far enough into this disaster to see more than a house torn to bits by a hurricane. At first, that’s all I saw. I saw my dreams shattered and thrown all over the ground like the china cabinet he punched one night. I saw my keepsakes covered in dirt and strewn around, like my body was every time he put his violent hands on me. All my savings were blown away with the strong winds, and they weren’t even in this mess for me to go collect with time. My cat, who had been a best friend throughout the torture, lay dead under the rumble now. There was nothing that this hurricane hadn’t destroyed of what I once called my life.
This is what I saw at first, which made me want to look ahead, never back. Also, everywhere I read, survivors are told to focus on the future, keep their eyes on new horizons. How was I to grapple with pummeling down this road in a beat up old car, directly into a dark and blinding cloud, while feeling like a bombed out, empty shell where once a human used to be?
Aha. Where once a human used to be. And who was she?
Again, I looked back. This time, past the rubble. Past the destruction. Surely, if there was a pile of destruction, then there must have been something to begin with. Right? You don’t end up with a toppled over house unless you have a house in the first place!
So then I saw beyond the broken pieces. I saw the whole house. I saw what I had built. Yes, me, just little ole me who is sitting here feeling so weak and unable to accomplish great things. I had accomplished many things, and this mess scattered behind me was a testament to what I had done with my life and who I had been before the hurricane. Yes, I had dreams. I pursued those dreams, and many of them, I accomplished. This means that I must have been an ambitious person, with healthy goals. I was someone who spent her time here on Earth trying to live a positive, productive life. Also, yes, I had savings. I had taken care of myself, stood on my own two feet, well enough to think of a rainy day. This means I was a responsible woman, someone I could count on. Yes, I had keepsakes. I didn’t accumulate random clutter. What I bothered to hold onto in life had meaning, which means that I was perhaps a sentimental woman, someone who placed more value in love and friendship than in material possessions. And, yes, I had a cat. I had made a commitment to care for another living creature, and I had followed through with that commitment every day. He was a happy cat that trusted people. That means he grew up with someone who taught him that he could trust, which means I was a trustworthy, dependable person at some point
For the first time, looking back was actually useful. There I saw a woman who was ambitious, productive, and positive. She was someone she could count on. She was trustworthy and dependable. She was capable of making commitments and keeping them. I also remember how much she trusted other people and in the good of humanity. It was only a matter of time, I suppose, until someone who didn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt came along and exploited a character trait that I should not be ashamed of. Yes, I’m wiser now, but having a generous, loving, trusting, and forgiving heart is nothing to feel stupid about.
Seeing Past the Mess
I’d like to ask new survivors to try this themselves. Try looking past the absolute destruction in your history. Try to see the destruction as an actual testament to what you were, because if there hadn’t been something to destroy, this wouldn’t have happened in the first place. Sociopaths look for someone who has something they can take away or ruin, whether it be money, love, intimacy/sex, trust, or emotional support. By the very fact that we were targeted means that we were carrying something of value to begin with, and I’m guessing that most of us, if not all of us, can take credit for the great people we were before we were targeted.
Look to your past to remember what an amazing person you were, even though it might hurt to know that this person was destroyed. But look anyways to remind yourself that you are strong, even in these moments when every step feels like a monumental achievement. We will never get back whom we used to be, not 100%. However, it might be a mistake to assume that we are not still fantastic, even if we don’t feel it right now. And, with the added wisdom of our experience, I bet we’ll build an even better house now, one that a hurricane cannot knock over.
Panther,
Illuminating post! Bravo. You will recover 🙂
We do, absolutely, become more of our core/true self when we do the work of uncovering the why’s and what-for’s for being in relationships with bad people. But, like you have pointed to so well, we also reunite with ourselves when we can acknowledge our goodness before we were shredded. I am guessing that for each of us one part of this equation is easier and the other difficult.
I struggled finding any goodness in me. But that had always been true, even when I wasn’t in a post traumatic state. No matter my accomplishments and good life/friends, I had a general sense of being bad in me that was a life long companion.
It is wise to accept that predators do go after people who have what they do not (money, security, feelings, intuition, empathy, caring, cooperative spirit, ability to be vulnerable and allow others’ access to our inner selves). All abilities/endowments to be held to and cherished.
Some things we carry and use into adulthood are delusions (that is not bad, they were just ‘created’ when we were little ones). And those delusions are the cracks in our reality that predators use to ‘get in’, so they can ‘steal our goodies’ (our goodness). Well, not only do they NOT steal our goodness, but the end result is we get to let go of some of our old crap that isn’t helping us anyway.
So, thank-you for this reminder! I am years out from my last tangle with a bad person…..and I am more connected to my genuine OK-ness.
It is always good to remember that if the creation/life is good, so must be the person who has created it. Even if someone came along and tried to commandeer our creation…they really can’t get at the real thing they come to steal….US.
slim
GREAT Article, Panther! Good analogies and also great insight!
You are right that when someone is a “newbie” in great emotional pain and devastation they can look at those of us who have been on this ROAD toward HEALING and want to IMMEDIATELY be where we are now, and feel like they can’t get there, but one thing I always try to stress to newbies is IT TAKES TIME….
I remember when I was 7 years old, my FONDEST WISH was to be 10 years old. I thought that if I were 10 years old I would have everything in the world that was good, but I didn’t want to WAIT…I wanted it now.
There are so many things that take TIME TO ACCOMPLISH and cannot be rushed, and healing is one of those things that must move at its own pace. Just like you can’t rush the hatching of an egg by turning up the heat—you only COOK IT if you do that, so PATIENCE is also a virtue that we must learn as we heal.
I’m don’t have a natural tendency to be patient, and so have had to work veyr hard at developing a patience—but I’ve always wanted it RIGHT NOW!
So hang on Panther, I think you are WELL on your way for what you have been through….just keep on the track and don’t slide off side into the ditches of despair or the swamps of depression, and for Goodness sakes, don’t listen to the “siren song” that the psychopaths sing inside our heads and hearts to “come to me I’ll love you foreverrrrrr” which is a LIE that will destroy our entire lives.
Panther,
Take a moment and pat yourself on the back for what you have accomplished !!!!
I think you are a very strong, sincere and insightful young woman. With the lessons you have learned, in such a short period of time, I am sure you will go forward and have the happy fulfilled life you so deserve. I am proud of you.
Love – MiLo
Dear Panther,
wow, that is all I can say. Less than a month after NC (3 1/2 years ago) I was still phoning on an almost daily basis to my sister, we called it “lovesick anonymous help line” My sister is by the way a N but introduced me to the term “psychopath”. aka as my ex-soulmate-dream-come-true-destroyer-underminer-pedantic-know-it all). I was out of the blue crying in front of my boss, was not able to carry out my work properly, was a complete basket case. It was completely cold turkey detox from a very potent drug, HORRIBLE. I found LF after 2 months into NC.
You can be VERY proud of yourself having so much insight after just a very short time elapsed; I think you have done some very important works before!
Very helpful for me understanding better what was going on was the series of Kathleen Hawk. And of course coming here to vent, getting the much needed validation (YES, it is NORMAL, YOU are O.K. one step a time, the hugs and the warmth and the wisdom and the living proof that the effects are “manageable” and that the outcome is VERY favorable once the stinking shit is transformed into fertilizing good manure (my favourite analogy!). And most important: TAKE YOUR OWN TIME, IT IS YOUR GOOD LIFE THAT LIES AHEAD.
All the best and hugs
Panther!
I don’t post frequently, but I wanted to jump in to say how valuable your second-to-last paragraph was for me. Yes, there had to be something there to take — or tear down — things that not everyone has which is why the targetting was focused to you. In looking back to it, or what existed before the meeting of the abuser or predator, or at least before the abuses began, many of us would or will have things to be proud of upon review or reminding.
I have not seen anyone put it the way you did.
I also have been contemplating how many women I know who have their standards of living subsidized by their chosen partners, or seek to have that situation. Some have even rationialized garnering of some of the resources that would otherwise go to the partners’ children by earlier marriage. As much as I might like to have someone else upgrading my standard of living or giving me things, I have mostly had to make my way on my own materially, as it sounds you did. I think there are reasons to be proud of managing to do that.
I gather you are in pain, from how you describe your current situation and how recent the last contact and damage has been. And yet you are so clearheaded, insightful, lucid…
THANK YOU for sharing your insights, and I wish you the most fruitful recovery from your ordeal.
Hugs to you, and honor to your departed feline companion. RIP.
Panther,
You really do impress me with your insights and how far you’ve come in only one month. I can’t wait to see how much growth you will acheive in the future. You are a force to be reckoned with – spaths watch out – we have a new spathinator.
Your analogies give me so much food for thought. How do we hide our valuables from spaths? Answer: In plain sight. Put them in a bin labeled “Garbage”. Spaths only go after what we value, but they can’t know what that is until we display that we value it.
Example: My spathy, crazy, husband-stealing neighbor was having an affair with my spath. In her psychopathic tell, she told me, “I only date married men.” Another time, she said, “I’m dating 2, maybe 2 and a half, married guys right now.” I didn’t know what to think, so I said, “If you want my piece of shit, you can have him anytime.” LOL! So I figuratively, put my spath in the garbage and she realized that when she thought she was stealing my valuables, she was actually just taking out my trash. ROTFLMAO!
I think she told him. Soon after that he became extra vicious and began plotting my final demise. 😛
Good to see you still around/back raggedy Ann, some great points as well.
I think the panther has impressed us all! She’s come a long way in a short time!
Panther, thanks for your insight. It brings up questions about healing that I’ve been thinking about.
I’m experiencing the “3 steps forward, 2 steps back” phenomenon… I do so well for a couple weeks, then I read something in the news, or something very small starts a little memory, then I’m back to all the “bad thoughts” again. Also it seems when I get PMS I start the whole rollercoaster of “remembering” again.
I have been NC with this guy (not an ex, since we were not a “couple” ever in the first place) for a full year now, as of Labor Day weekend. (Yay!)
My husband encourages me to “move on” and not waste one more minute of our “good life now” on past problems. I’m really trying to do that. I know it’s no fun for him to have to hear me re-hash everything over and over. I’m pretty determined not to do that with him anymore. He is very supportive and willing to listen, but I think I can handle it without piling all that ugliness on him.
As always, I’m stuck on the two different ways of looking at things. In one scenario, the young man I tried to mentor was an evil P, determined to do anything he wanted at any whim and any cost, and his abuse of me rests on him alone. In the other scenario, I’m the bad one, and I should have been a rock-solid adult, capably helping an abused young person get straightened out in life, but instead I turned sick and pitiful, and I was allowing his evil ways to flourish. I really, really, would like to believe that the fault was his alone, period. That would be such a tidy way to heal. I just can’t forgive myself for my part in it. In scenario 2, I make myself sick thinking about it. I hate myself! So I like the perspective of Scenario 1, but I tell myself, “Sure, that’s an easy out. Just blame him, how convenient.” I am so frustrated with myself! When I truly intended to do good in the world, I wound up doing the total opposite. The whole ordeal was a disaster to everyone.
The situation in the news, with the girl whose church made her apologize for even her possible 1% fault in the rape… I think, even if my fault was small, even 1%, I can’t stand myself for it. I have apologized to God Himself, many times. Even during the ordeal, I would weekly beg forgiveness during communion. Eventually to the point that I would say, Well here I am again this week God, same thing again…
Anyway, my best way of coping has been my husband’s strategy: just don’t think about it anymore. “Move on.” (A few months ago, I hated those words, but not so much anymore.) Is this healthy? Does this work? I don’t like being dishonest with myself, and just blaming it all on the P, but the guilt otherwise is crushing. It seems unhealthy to pretend nothing ever happened though. Any ideas, anybody, on what a good healed-up self-image should look like?
justdreamin,
I think you can forgive yourself once you know that it will never happen again. And you can know that when you understand why it happened in the first place. I mean REALLY, REALLY understand it, in all its nuances and facets.
It sounds like you are not there yet. If you were, you would then simply move on.
Right after my escape from the spath, I began reading and educating myself. Like panther, I learned very quickly. Probably because 80% of my brain is engaged 98% of the time in thinking about spaths. But why haven’t I been able to move on? Probably because I don’t think I’m done learning what I need to learn to be sure it won’t happen again.
Case in point: It was only this summer, 2 years after all the evil happened, that I have finally been able to perceive my mother as a spath. Quite a diabolical one, actually. Before I could get there, I had to perceive my father’s mother as the diabolical spath that she is. Ironically, my own mother provided that piece of the puzzle with a vignette she recently told me about my father’s family history. Then, I could see a pattern repeating and I was able to see ANOTHER woman I know who fit very closely the same diabolical profile. My grandmother’s evil, makes my spath look kind of tame or at least like a bumbling fool, in comparison.
This is very validating and liberating for me. It brings me closer to understanding what happened to me and why.
I think that in the end you won’t need to forgive yourself or anyone else. You will just know why things were the way they were.
Skylar, that is excellent. Thank you. I hadn’t even thought of that. A few random things have happened lately that have caused me to question, could it happen again? You said it exactly.
I am not particularly afraid of the spath, physically. He has obeyed the restraining order 100% for a year now. I guess I am afraid that *mentally* someone could get the best of me. I know much much more than before, but I know I am still weak in some ways too. And I am not proud of that. It is a source of shame for me that it ever happened, and that I can’t even say now, for sure, that it would NEVER happen again. I wish I could.
I’m not sure what my “goal” in healing should be, but I think if I can get to the point that I can think about all of this, even if a thought comes unexpectedly, that it won’t knock me down. I should be able to think about that part of my life without re-experiencing real pain. “Not thinking about it” doesn’t seem a good goal to me. For one thing, I am going to think about it because any number of odd things bring it back up (Pepsi, caramel apples, Jeeps, etc., etc.).