Editor’s note: The following letter was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Panther.”
This little bundle of words comes from a new survivor. I write this hoping that I can find these thoughts to be consolation for myself, as well as to share them with others for the same reason. Through reading various Lovefraud articles, I’ve realized that the veterans have so much invaluable advice to offer. However, at times I wonder how the voice of a survivor sounded right after the break. The reason this matters to me is because the veterans seem so much stronger than I feel right now. I cannot help but wonder, as I read through their wise words, if they have something I don’t have, which enabled them to get over this. Then I doubt myself, as the sound of my own trembling voice seems meek in comparison. I reason that I don’t have what it takes, like they do.
But this isn’t true, and I want to be a little voice here on Lovefraud that says:
“I’m still shaking in the aftermath. The voice of my oppressor is still ringing in my ears. My legs feel too weak to stand, and I don’t feel strong enough to overcome this ”¦ you’re not the only one.”
It’s been less than one month since I went No Contact. That isn’t to say that I haven’t felt an icy presence reaching for me across this void I’ve put between myself and that monster. Emotionally, I’m always slapping away an invisible hand that seems to be grasping for my heart—and sanity. I don’t know whom to trust, and I cannot see clearly. The whole world looks a bit like it’s covered in a giant rain cloud, and I feel as though I’m trying to navigate my way down a crowded highway as this huge cloud hangs so low in the sky that I cannot see even a few inches in front of my car.
Looking Back at the Disaster
The last thing I’d ever want to do is look back.
Yet, today, I actually did just that, and I was surprised at what I found. It was hard at first to peer far enough into this disaster to see more than a house torn to bits by a hurricane. At first, that’s all I saw. I saw my dreams shattered and thrown all over the ground like the china cabinet he punched one night. I saw my keepsakes covered in dirt and strewn around, like my body was every time he put his violent hands on me. All my savings were blown away with the strong winds, and they weren’t even in this mess for me to go collect with time. My cat, who had been a best friend throughout the torture, lay dead under the rumble now. There was nothing that this hurricane hadn’t destroyed of what I once called my life.
This is what I saw at first, which made me want to look ahead, never back. Also, everywhere I read, survivors are told to focus on the future, keep their eyes on new horizons. How was I to grapple with pummeling down this road in a beat up old car, directly into a dark and blinding cloud, while feeling like a bombed out, empty shell where once a human used to be?
Aha. Where once a human used to be. And who was she?
Again, I looked back. This time, past the rubble. Past the destruction. Surely, if there was a pile of destruction, then there must have been something to begin with. Right? You don’t end up with a toppled over house unless you have a house in the first place!
So then I saw beyond the broken pieces. I saw the whole house. I saw what I had built. Yes, me, just little ole me who is sitting here feeling so weak and unable to accomplish great things. I had accomplished many things, and this mess scattered behind me was a testament to what I had done with my life and who I had been before the hurricane. Yes, I had dreams. I pursued those dreams, and many of them, I accomplished. This means that I must have been an ambitious person, with healthy goals. I was someone who spent her time here on Earth trying to live a positive, productive life. Also, yes, I had savings. I had taken care of myself, stood on my own two feet, well enough to think of a rainy day. This means I was a responsible woman, someone I could count on. Yes, I had keepsakes. I didn’t accumulate random clutter. What I bothered to hold onto in life had meaning, which means that I was perhaps a sentimental woman, someone who placed more value in love and friendship than in material possessions. And, yes, I had a cat. I had made a commitment to care for another living creature, and I had followed through with that commitment every day. He was a happy cat that trusted people. That means he grew up with someone who taught him that he could trust, which means I was a trustworthy, dependable person at some point
For the first time, looking back was actually useful. There I saw a woman who was ambitious, productive, and positive. She was someone she could count on. She was trustworthy and dependable. She was capable of making commitments and keeping them. I also remember how much she trusted other people and in the good of humanity. It was only a matter of time, I suppose, until someone who didn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt came along and exploited a character trait that I should not be ashamed of. Yes, I’m wiser now, but having a generous, loving, trusting, and forgiving heart is nothing to feel stupid about.
Seeing Past the Mess
I’d like to ask new survivors to try this themselves. Try looking past the absolute destruction in your history. Try to see the destruction as an actual testament to what you were, because if there hadn’t been something to destroy, this wouldn’t have happened in the first place. Sociopaths look for someone who has something they can take away or ruin, whether it be money, love, intimacy/sex, trust, or emotional support. By the very fact that we were targeted means that we were carrying something of value to begin with, and I’m guessing that most of us, if not all of us, can take credit for the great people we were before we were targeted.
Look to your past to remember what an amazing person you were, even though it might hurt to know that this person was destroyed. But look anyways to remind yourself that you are strong, even in these moments when every step feels like a monumental achievement. We will never get back whom we used to be, not 100%. However, it might be a mistake to assume that we are not still fantastic, even if we don’t feel it right now. And, with the added wisdom of our experience, I bet we’ll build an even better house now, one that a hurricane cannot knock over.
Panther-that was a beautiful and meaningful post. It was wonderful. I haven’t been posting a lot lately. You are making such progress after just a month of NC. I want you to know that it took me 2 years to get over the Narcissist that brought me here. I am a magnet to THEM and even though he is out of my life, new ones always come about.
I am hope with my cat and looking for a job and doing temp work. I am scared but I am also drama free-ALMOST, and it is the most different feeling that I’ve ever felt. I just want everyone here to know that I finally know just how powerful that drama addiction is and I feel I am at a turning point with it. Now it is dealing with the “thing next door”, who I believe has high N traits or is just crazy.
Last night I kept thinking of ways to go outside to my truck to get something after she was home-with the chance of running into her. I fought that urge and told myself- Self, you do not NEED to go out there for anything. You know you don’t want to see her. I had to email her today because I ask the landlord a question and he didn’t know the answer and told me to ask her. All I wanted to know was if the power went out while I was gone due to the storms. When I returned, my ice was all melted in a weird way and I was afraid of having to throw out a whole freezer full of fish and meat.
I think I am just going to go ahead and throw it all out. I’m sure she will NOT return the email. I don’t even care for her to do so. I am different now than I was when I left and I don’t want any contact with her. I am going to be only a next door neighbor to her and not a friend.
I really hope that after all the drama from the situation ended that I won’t be so quick to fall into the trap of another N. I became so aware of my father’s N characteristics when I was working by him at the job. I do really feel the empty feeling from “lack of drama”-as Sky ways, but my cat is filling that void quite nicely.
Panther, I found your post beautiful, inspiring, and very well written. The part that touched me the most was the loss of your cat. Just the thought makes me fight back the tears. I’m sorry for all you have lost in your life.
Panther
Your post was very moving. It was an awesome post.
One month NC is a huge accomplishment. Please stay on the path.
There are days where you will think you can not move forward. But you will.
I have learned after failing NC so many times, and getting back on the path again, that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Best, Hugs,
Superkid10
Skylar
Isn’t it amazing how much the PATTERNS help us learn? When we’re not seeing things, hearing things, experiencing things in isolation?
Your story about learning about your grandmother let you see a pattern, a really important pattern. It was an aha moment for you
I sleuthed my spath to the 99th degree in every way possible. I did this because I didn’t live with the man and there was a lot I didn’t konw. I investigated every possible thing. Work, home, relatives, hobbies, friends, education, EVERYTHING. And everywhere I looked I found PATTERNS that painted a clearer and clearer story of a SPATH. This is how I got out in 3 years, not 30. I was forced to see the truth. The patterns don’t lie.
HUGS
Superkid10
Star and Panther-I totally agree with what Star just said about losing your cat. I have only had mine for a little over two weeks and he totally saved my life. He filled up a huge whole in my heart that has been empty for so long. He is the only one who is going to give me unconditional love without any Narcissism and if something happened to him, I would die.
Just after my last post, I finally saw HER, for the first time in almost 8 weeks. I had resolved to keep my distance and keep my life drama free by not going near her and I ran into her totally by accident. My legs were shaking so bad when I was standing next to her that I thought I was going to fall down. I had to get in the house as fast as I could and hold my cat. It’s amazing that crazy people can be so unbelievably beautiful. I finally know how it feels to be “weak in the knees” and I have never had that kind of reaction to ANYONE in my life-not even my spath.
To top it off I get an email from my estranged sister who is tight with N mother. I hadn’t had any contact with her since 2008 after having a huge fight over N mother and me calling her a bitch and walking out of her house. She used her daughter to get to me. She gave me this spiel about how her daughter asks about me all the time and wanted her to make things right with me. She used my cute little 8 year old niece to try to melt my heart but NEVER apologized to me for the miles of hurt that she has created in my life-saying evil things to me that have permanently damaged my self esteem, so much that my friends who haven’t ever met her wanted to kick her ass.
She ended up getting to how I needed to make things right with my N mother and to let her back in my life. I am crying right now because I just don’t know how to react to this. She told me how she hopes something earthshaking happens to me this year so I will realize how important family is. She wants me to feel something that “knocks me off my feet” to come to my senses and realize that I shouldn’t stay angry.
She has NO idea what has happened to me in my life and has NO idea that 2011 has been the worst year of my entire life, and that I have so much PTSD regarding her and my N mother. I just don’t know what to say. I am crying while hugging my cat because I don’t know what else to do. This morning and into the afternoon I felt so STRONG and now both of these things happening makes me feel so weak.
Lizzy, I have dealt with SO much negativity from neighbors here. I wish I’d never gotten friendly with any of them in the first place. And I still see the hot neighbor boy around. Sometimes we park our cars next to each other – it’s very weird. But my life moves on. My place is under contract for a short sale. Once it sells, I will be free to go wherever I want within my means. I’m hoping to head south eventually where the weather is warmer, until I can ever realize my dream to move to Costa Rica.
I’ve had two near misses to relationships this summer. One ended abruptly when the guy discarded me in sociopathic fashion. It took about 3 weeks to really get over it, but one day I just woke up and the spell was broken. Fortunately, I had not even so much as kissed him. The other was a physicist I dated for about 3 weeks and really liked. I had only kissed him but nothing more. He was not spathy, but he did something really lame that I couldn’t get past (long story), so I ended it. I am at the point in my life where I just don’t put up with crap from a man. If one so much as looks at me the wrong way, I’m out of there.
In the aftermath of all this, I had a reading with a psychic that came with very high recommendation from (of all people) my therapist. The psychic was supposed to have a very high rate of accuracy. She seemed like a real healer when I met her. I asked her what happened with some of the men in my life – from their perspective. I wanted to see how far off I was in my assessments. I had nailed the one spathy guy pretty well. As an afterthought, I asked her about my neighbor, the rock star, and what happened with him. She said something really surprising. She told me he actually had really liked me but I acted SO independent and played so many games – talking about other guys, etc. – that he got scared and shut down and that’s why he went away. She said he is not the player I think he is and that the reason he sits out on his porch shirtless and parks next to me, etc., is to get my attention. She told me he is 1000 times more sensitive than I am and that if we ever were to hang out again, I absolutely cannot play games with him – I have to put my cards on the table. She went on to say (unsolicited) that he and I have been married before in past lives and that we would have a great relationship but we both have to come clean and stop playing games. She also said I’d have to lay down some ground rules with him. She said he would be a lot of work and I might not think he’s worth it. She said he is really a good guy, and that even though so much time has elapsed, he still really likes me. But he will NEVER make the first move. What a bind for me! I don’t want to make any move after all this time.
This was very odd to hear. I had interpreted his motives in the most negative of ways, and of course everyone here thought he was a spath. So because psychics are sometimes wrong, I tested her theory a tiny bit. One day I walked out of my house right by his patio where he was out sunning. We hadn’t spoken for about 8 months. I did something that was very hard to do. I turned around as I walked by and said “good morning” to him with a very genuine smile. He said “Good morning Sherri!” and was grinning from ear to ear. “How are you doing?” he said. “Good, and you?” “Good! Good to see you!” “Good to see you too.” And with that I walked out to my car. He gave me the most genuine and intimate of smiles. I was sure he would call me that night. I was wrong.
A few days later I met his best friend at the pool for the first time by accident. I did not know who he was at first. The best friend lives two floors up from him. I did not realize who it was, but eventually the friend – when he figured out who I was – started talking to me about the neighbor boy. (Not sure why). He went on and on about what a great guy the neighbor is and how people always take advantage of his kindness. I said nothing. I played my hand very close to my chest and kept a poker face. I’m not sure why. I could have told the friend how I felt, and the friend would tell the neighbor, but I chose not to say anything. The next time I saw the friend at the pool, the friend immediately disappeared. He came back 15 minutes later and walked right up to me and said, “I tried to get (neighbor boy) to come to the pool but he wouldn’t come out.” I couldn’t understand why the friend would tell me that, unless he is trying to set us up. It was a very odd scenario. The friend was constantly talking about the neighbor boy to me. I didn’t know what to say!
So my feelings have been stirred again. I’m not sure what to think but I still don’t want to call him. Maybe if I ever move, I will reach out to him before I move. I think I’ll feel a lot better if I can ever talk to him. I realize that no matter what may go on in his head, he will never reach out to me and make the first move.
So Lizzy, that’s MY neighbor story. I’m sorry about the way yours turned out. 🙁 I didn’t read what she did that was so spath-like. I read the part about how she is not in love with you. 🙁 I can’t imagine how hard this must be to live with. I hope you can move some time and make a clean break.
Love,
Star
Lizzy, we must have posted over each other. I agree about the cat. I loved cats long before my snake obsession. I had four at one point. The reason I became a stripper all those years ago was for my cats. I was living with a guy in his house and somewhat financially dependent on him. He was very narcissistic. We had adopted a cat together who was tiny, tigery, and totally adorable. Her name was Leah, but I called her Shnook-a-leah because I called all my cats “shnooklets.” I still do with my remaining cat.
But Shnook-a-leah hated that guy. He was so loud and obnoxious, she’d run from him. She was supposed to be “his” cat, but she hated him. He got upset with her one day. He picked her up and threw her across the room. Fortunately, she landed on my bed, so she didn’t get hurt, only traumatized. That was the last straw for me. The next day, I started doing ‘outcalls’ as a stripper. It was very dangerous, and I even rented his car from him to do it because my car was 20 years old and barely ran. After 3 months, I bought a condo, remodeled it, bought a car, and paid it off. I was able to get Leah and my two other cats away from him and be independent for the first time in my life. Unfortunately, the 4th cat (Little Monkey Shnook) disappeared and was never found. I think she ran off and was found by some local kids. So this is one casualty of living with a personality disordered man. I, too, lost a cat, and nearly lost two. 🙁
Many years later I did a google search on him and found out he was a child molestor. Surprise surprise.
Superkid,
yep. I want to get to know the patterns so well that I can say, “No I don’t know the man, but I know the type.” and be dead on accurate. Call it profiling or call it discernment. Call it what you will. I think I’ll call it wisdom: a merging of gut intuition with the lessons of experience.
The disordered are everywhere and they all follow typical patterns. It would be dumb not to access those patterns to know what we are dealing with.
I’m doing very well with some of those patterns, but I don’t have them all down pat. Getting better though. ((Hugs back))
Liz,
umm… I hate to break the news to you but…all cats are narcissists! You did it again, you fell for another one. 🙂
This one, though, is a darling one who actually IS the center of the universe. All cats are. So he’s entitled to your worship, make sure you are worthy of him! Catnip should be your daily offering.
About your sister… PLEASE go potted plant and gray rock on her. The things she said are beyond abusive. She is so manipulative and deserves to be drawn and quartered. She is trying to bring you back into her control for the SOLE purpose of torturing you for her amusement. That she is severely disordered is obvious.
You owe her and your N-mom nothing. You owe yourself and your kitty, peace.
Star-I just realized once I was gone that she definitely has serious issues and has tons of N traits but I think she also has schizoid qualities as well-totally hermit and just weird. She sent me a very cold hearted email while I was away and then I cut off all email. She created way too much drama for me and I had no desire to be anywhere near her-to me she is just the person who lives next door, and that’s what I had been feeling since I went away. Before I left though she was giving me mixed messages after telling me that she wasn’t gay and that she was sorry that she wasn’t. Way too much drama. I was just totally thrown off by my reaction to her tonight-the physical reaction, because I had closed myself off to her and didn’t want contact. Right now as I type, my cat is sitting on my shoulder watching the screen on my computer. He is the sweetest thing ever.
I am just so angry over the email from the sister, using the pity ploy, using her daughter-the whole thing was totally spathy-not acknowledging so much hurt that she caused in my life and trying to make me feel bad for poor her, because my N mother gave me all the attention. I guess she can’t see that my mother did those things because she looked at me as an extension of herself and saw us as one person-not two different ones. My mother’s own sister told her that she was WAY too involved in her kid’s life and that it wasn’t healthy.
Sky-he is the ONLY narcissist worth loving and he has quickly become the center of my universe. My stepmom said that he won the lottery the day he came home with me and she is right. He adopted me. He loves his mama and he is so cuddly and sweet and playful and silly. He snuggles up to me at night and sleeps right next to me in the bed.
He was introduced to the thing next door this evening, when I unexpectedly ran into her. Of course I was absolutely weak in the knees because she looked so beautiful, and at the same time I was thinking-OMG this crazy thing is touching my cat, I don’t like this at all and we went inside and got away from her. I plan to do everything possible to keep away from her. You were so right about her-she is crazy!