Editor’s note: The following letter was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Panther.”
This little bundle of words comes from a new survivor. I write this hoping that I can find these thoughts to be consolation for myself, as well as to share them with others for the same reason. Through reading various Lovefraud articles, I’ve realized that the veterans have so much invaluable advice to offer. However, at times I wonder how the voice of a survivor sounded right after the break. The reason this matters to me is because the veterans seem so much stronger than I feel right now. I cannot help but wonder, as I read through their wise words, if they have something I don’t have, which enabled them to get over this. Then I doubt myself, as the sound of my own trembling voice seems meek in comparison. I reason that I don’t have what it takes, like they do.
But this isn’t true, and I want to be a little voice here on Lovefraud that says:
“I’m still shaking in the aftermath. The voice of my oppressor is still ringing in my ears. My legs feel too weak to stand, and I don’t feel strong enough to overcome this ”¦ you’re not the only one.”
It’s been less than one month since I went No Contact. That isn’t to say that I haven’t felt an icy presence reaching for me across this void I’ve put between myself and that monster. Emotionally, I’m always slapping away an invisible hand that seems to be grasping for my heart—and sanity. I don’t know whom to trust, and I cannot see clearly. The whole world looks a bit like it’s covered in a giant rain cloud, and I feel as though I’m trying to navigate my way down a crowded highway as this huge cloud hangs so low in the sky that I cannot see even a few inches in front of my car.
Looking Back at the Disaster
The last thing I’d ever want to do is look back.
Yet, today, I actually did just that, and I was surprised at what I found. It was hard at first to peer far enough into this disaster to see more than a house torn to bits by a hurricane. At first, that’s all I saw. I saw my dreams shattered and thrown all over the ground like the china cabinet he punched one night. I saw my keepsakes covered in dirt and strewn around, like my body was every time he put his violent hands on me. All my savings were blown away with the strong winds, and they weren’t even in this mess for me to go collect with time. My cat, who had been a best friend throughout the torture, lay dead under the rumble now. There was nothing that this hurricane hadn’t destroyed of what I once called my life.
This is what I saw at first, which made me want to look ahead, never back. Also, everywhere I read, survivors are told to focus on the future, keep their eyes on new horizons. How was I to grapple with pummeling down this road in a beat up old car, directly into a dark and blinding cloud, while feeling like a bombed out, empty shell where once a human used to be?
Aha. Where once a human used to be. And who was she?
Again, I looked back. This time, past the rubble. Past the destruction. Surely, if there was a pile of destruction, then there must have been something to begin with. Right? You don’t end up with a toppled over house unless you have a house in the first place!
So then I saw beyond the broken pieces. I saw the whole house. I saw what I had built. Yes, me, just little ole me who is sitting here feeling so weak and unable to accomplish great things. I had accomplished many things, and this mess scattered behind me was a testament to what I had done with my life and who I had been before the hurricane. Yes, I had dreams. I pursued those dreams, and many of them, I accomplished. This means that I must have been an ambitious person, with healthy goals. I was someone who spent her time here on Earth trying to live a positive, productive life. Also, yes, I had savings. I had taken care of myself, stood on my own two feet, well enough to think of a rainy day. This means I was a responsible woman, someone I could count on. Yes, I had keepsakes. I didn’t accumulate random clutter. What I bothered to hold onto in life had meaning, which means that I was perhaps a sentimental woman, someone who placed more value in love and friendship than in material possessions. And, yes, I had a cat. I had made a commitment to care for another living creature, and I had followed through with that commitment every day. He was a happy cat that trusted people. That means he grew up with someone who taught him that he could trust, which means I was a trustworthy, dependable person at some point
For the first time, looking back was actually useful. There I saw a woman who was ambitious, productive, and positive. She was someone she could count on. She was trustworthy and dependable. She was capable of making commitments and keeping them. I also remember how much she trusted other people and in the good of humanity. It was only a matter of time, I suppose, until someone who didn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt came along and exploited a character trait that I should not be ashamed of. Yes, I’m wiser now, but having a generous, loving, trusting, and forgiving heart is nothing to feel stupid about.
Seeing Past the Mess
I’d like to ask new survivors to try this themselves. Try looking past the absolute destruction in your history. Try to see the destruction as an actual testament to what you were, because if there hadn’t been something to destroy, this wouldn’t have happened in the first place. Sociopaths look for someone who has something they can take away or ruin, whether it be money, love, intimacy/sex, trust, or emotional support. By the very fact that we were targeted means that we were carrying something of value to begin with, and I’m guessing that most of us, if not all of us, can take credit for the great people we were before we were targeted.
Look to your past to remember what an amazing person you were, even though it might hurt to know that this person was destroyed. But look anyways to remind yourself that you are strong, even in these moments when every step feels like a monumental achievement. We will never get back whom we used to be, not 100%. However, it might be a mistake to assume that we are not still fantastic, even if we don’t feel it right now. And, with the added wisdom of our experience, I bet we’ll build an even better house now, one that a hurricane cannot knock over.
Liz, I don’t know if one cold email makes a person a spath or a narcissist, but it sounds like she definitely triggered you into some deeper pain. I regard people like this as teachers because they trigger the things we need to heal. I’m still hurting over what my neighbor (other neighbor) did to me over the bike (other thread). But I know he is in my life because he is like my mother and is manipulative like her. He has opened up the pain of my mother’s betrayal. I consider it the final “fuck you” to a narcissistic person when you can use them for your own healing. They tried to take from you, but you are really taking something from them – which is healing. And I am very clear that if he ever tries to talk to me again, I will very clearly state, “I don’t ever want to talk to you again.” There will be no anger, just clarity. And inside, I will be thanking him endlessly for the lesson he taught me.
Star,
excellent perspective. Pain is a great teacher. Though an odious one.
Your other neighbor, the rockstar, is an interesting case.
It’s possible that he has convinced his best friend that he has the hots for you. Whether it’s true or not, I can’t know. But what we can both do, is stand back and look at his behavior objectively. Is his behavior that of a mature individual? What you have described so far sounds very much like the high school drama I avoided even when I was in high school. (One reason I preferred to date pedophiles when I was a teen). From everything I’ve learned about spaths, they are emotionally arrested individuals. So maturity is the biggest sign of not being a toxic or disordered person.
Of course, our task is to not be immature ourselves, so that we can attract the mature and normal people to us.
Star-it isn’t just one cold hearted email. There is a lot of behavior on her part that is extremely uncomfortable to me and most of the things about her I do not share here, nor do I intend to. All I know is that there is something extremely wrong with this woman and it freaks me out that I still get weak knees like jello when I am around her. It gives me bad freakin vibes. It gives me really bad vibes that I have NEVER EVER had this kind of reaction to anyone before-not even the spath who brought me here. I can’t be friends with her even, because she doesn’t have friends-only acquaintances that she calls friends. She hasn’t a clue in the world what that word even means-she has NO idea how to be a friend and I seriously doubt that she has any idea how to be girlfriend. That is why she is almost 62 years old and has never had a serious relationship. I couldn’t begin to say what is wrong with her, but something BAD IS wrong with her and she doesn’t deserve to be close to me. The things that she says and the things that she does do not make sense together.
Liz,
sheesh, she sounds EXACTLY LIKE MY PSYCHOPATHIC MOTHER: NO FRIENDS AT ALL.
SCARY.
Sky-something is seriously wrong over there and it IS very scary. I don’t go into details about all the stuff she says and does but it scares me even more the physical reaction that I had tonight when I ran into her. The fact that I have NEVER felt like this or had this type of reaction to someone is a massive red flag to me. I used to feel that same way about the spath who brought me here-I said the same thing to people about my reaction to him, but the physical reaction that I have toward her is 10 times more intense. She is the most intensely beautiful woman that I’ve ever seen and it scares the shit out of me and it makes me want to stay away!!
Liz,
you had all the information you needed when she told you that she didn’t like to be crossed and she sought revenge against someone who spoke out against her.
scary.
.
Sky,
You are right about my rock star neighbor – he definitely appears to play high school games. And so have I. And yet curiously, I’m still attracted to him because I am more interested in what is in his heart and not the silly ways he goes about getting what he wants. I think he has a good heart. I can see it in his eyes. Dang, those past-life connections are so powerful (if that is in fact what is going on here). The thing about the games that we have both played is that it speaks to whether we will EVER get together – not how it will be if we do. I suspect we could have a great relationship if we both could stop playing games. BOTH. I parked next to his car the other night. lol I could have parked in a different spot. I just got my little red del sol painted, so it looks like a new car. I wanted him to notice. I feel like I’m in high school, and I take 100% responsibility for that. On the other hand, when I became interested in other men in the past year, I totally forgot the neighbor. This is what I’m hoping will happen. He is such a boy. And such an adorable one. I can’t help liking him. He has so many other qualities. And also, I was very impressed by his best friend. I thought this guy would be a player. But he’s a school teacher who is very generous and devoted to his students. Anyway, the thing with the rock star neighbor drives me crazy a little, but not in a bad way. It takes me back to high school when I had crushes on boys but would be mortified for them to know, because I was not popular. I am waiting to do some more healing (I’ve been doing a lot) before I say something to him. I want to make sure that if I get rejected, I can handle it. Either that or I want to make sure that if I get rejected, I’ll be on my way to another place to live. But I have a sneaking feeling that we could have something really great. I am patient and waiting, mostly for myself. And if someone else comes along in the meantime, so much the better.
Okay, Lizzy, onto your situation…………. I would never second-guess your perceptions of your neighbor. A 62 year-old woman who has never been in a serious relationship probably does have some relationship issues. And also, this doesn’t change the fact that she triggered you into some of your own pain, which really doesn’t have anything to do with her. It’s really unfortunate, though, that you don’t have any space from her to focus totally on yourself. It’s very distracting to live next door to someone who triggers such strong feelings. It’s hard to tell what is just your feelings and what is her shooting out bad vibes. This is a challenge for you to stay true to your own feelings and keep your healing about you and not her. It’s easy to project onto someone else when you’re in pain that they are the source of your pain. There is a difference between someone being the source of your pain and being the trigger. Since she is no longer in your life, she can only inflict pain on you if you let her.
Constantine, what does the author say about snakes? lol (owner of two boa constrictors here……..)
Hello everyone! I am going to respond one person at a time so I don’t get confused.
Slimone: You said that you always struggled to find goodness in yourself, even before the spath. I think what this means is that we were probably hurt or misguided even before the spath, which of course made us more vulnerable. I know that my P father set me up for a lot of my difficulties later in life, including being able to see the good in myself and feeling worthy of love as a human being. There really is something to be said about the fruit being the “hint hint” that there must be a vibrant, healthy, beautiful tree nearby. I suppose what I’m suggesting is that those of us who feel a bit unsure of ourselves go ahead and follow that fruit trail until we find the tree. Then we will see what we really are. YES, they wanted the tree, so they spent all their time throwing fruit around. Ha. Silly spaths. They’ll never get it.
OX: Thanks for your comments!! 🙂 I am also very impatient, so I know exactly what you mean. I get very frustrated when I even have the flu for 2 days. By day 2, I am angry that I’ve been so unproductive for over 24 hours and start to get real antsy. And, yes, that “I will love you foreverrrrr” is exactly what I will NOT be listening too. Especially with all those crazy “rrrrr’s” at the end. That’s how it sounds, isn’t it? There is a Tori Amos lyric that goes: “And as soon as you have rearranged the mess in your head, he will show up looking sane, perfectly sane, if I know crazy.”
Milo: Thanks to you too for your kind words 🙂 I guess I am doing better than I thought by what I am hearing here. Then again, it’s easier said/written than done. I wonder if we all might have been a bit stronger than we thought in those early days.
Libelle: I was lucky enough to find LF before I went NC. In fact, I actually referred him to the site at first, thinking maybe if he knew what was going on, that he’d try to change. That was before I really grasped what “sociopath” actually means. I thought it was “fixable” in those days. Then I started reading and reading, actually looking for ways to “fix” my sociopath boyfriend and realized that he would be “fixed” if I stopped talking to him 😛 Hehe. Yes, he is my ex-soulmate-dream-come-true-destroyer-under-minder- pedantic-know-it-all too!!! They really do read the same rule book! Ma’am, you say you’re still struggling. Just remember: That bastard isn’t worth the tears. You were AWESOME and every second you still mourn his loss or whatever was lost is another moment he’s sitting there snickering about his success in destroying you, and he doesn’t deserve the damn satisfaction! Shine! That is what you deserve….and it will wipe that snicker right off his face.
Raggedy Ann: First of all, I love Raggedy Ann!!! I live in Germany, and I saw the German DVD for it yesterday! Aha! I must watch it in German now! Thanks for your comments, and what a word: lucid. Wow. My kitty was Lucas Kitton (I am such a dork) and he was a bold, cuddly, sweet fat boy who dove into the sink every time he heard the water running. That was a special cat, and if HE didn’t deserve what the spath did to him, then neither did we. It’s so much easier to love someone/something else, but we need to learn to love ourselves too.
Sky: I’d am pleased that I can be a spathinator from time to time! Actually, I am so furious at the whole lot of spaths that I am ready to get a huge skillet collection in the garage. I want skillets with silver handles and skillets that shoot fire. I am really fed up with all the spath. Your neighbor…sheesh!!! How about that sentence! She only dates married men? HOW ON EARTH do they manage to utter the most INAPPROPRIATE things, yet just say it like it’s totally normal. My ex would say things like, “Well, I acted like a total asshole, hit her, lied to her, etc, so now she has major trust issues and behaves like a bipolar person with split personalities. I suffer so much from this torture!” No one would bat a freaking eye. It’s a spath-skill that I still don’t understand. How do they DO that? How do they say, “I eat babies for breakfast,” and yet everyone just keeps nodding like they said, “I eat eggs for breakfast.” How do they DO that?