Editor’s note: The following letter was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Panther.”
This little bundle of words comes from a new survivor. I write this hoping that I can find these thoughts to be consolation for myself, as well as to share them with others for the same reason. Through reading various Lovefraud articles, I’ve realized that the veterans have so much invaluable advice to offer. However, at times I wonder how the voice of a survivor sounded right after the break. The reason this matters to me is because the veterans seem so much stronger than I feel right now. I cannot help but wonder, as I read through their wise words, if they have something I don’t have, which enabled them to get over this. Then I doubt myself, as the sound of my own trembling voice seems meek in comparison. I reason that I don’t have what it takes, like they do.
But this isn’t true, and I want to be a little voice here on Lovefraud that says:
“I’m still shaking in the aftermath. The voice of my oppressor is still ringing in my ears. My legs feel too weak to stand, and I don’t feel strong enough to overcome this ”¦ you’re not the only one.”
It’s been less than one month since I went No Contact. That isn’t to say that I haven’t felt an icy presence reaching for me across this void I’ve put between myself and that monster. Emotionally, I’m always slapping away an invisible hand that seems to be grasping for my heart—and sanity. I don’t know whom to trust, and I cannot see clearly. The whole world looks a bit like it’s covered in a giant rain cloud, and I feel as though I’m trying to navigate my way down a crowded highway as this huge cloud hangs so low in the sky that I cannot see even a few inches in front of my car.
Looking Back at the Disaster
The last thing I’d ever want to do is look back.
Yet, today, I actually did just that, and I was surprised at what I found. It was hard at first to peer far enough into this disaster to see more than a house torn to bits by a hurricane. At first, that’s all I saw. I saw my dreams shattered and thrown all over the ground like the china cabinet he punched one night. I saw my keepsakes covered in dirt and strewn around, like my body was every time he put his violent hands on me. All my savings were blown away with the strong winds, and they weren’t even in this mess for me to go collect with time. My cat, who had been a best friend throughout the torture, lay dead under the rumble now. There was nothing that this hurricane hadn’t destroyed of what I once called my life.
This is what I saw at first, which made me want to look ahead, never back. Also, everywhere I read, survivors are told to focus on the future, keep their eyes on new horizons. How was I to grapple with pummeling down this road in a beat up old car, directly into a dark and blinding cloud, while feeling like a bombed out, empty shell where once a human used to be?
Aha. Where once a human used to be. And who was she?
Again, I looked back. This time, past the rubble. Past the destruction. Surely, if there was a pile of destruction, then there must have been something to begin with. Right? You don’t end up with a toppled over house unless you have a house in the first place!
So then I saw beyond the broken pieces. I saw the whole house. I saw what I had built. Yes, me, just little ole me who is sitting here feeling so weak and unable to accomplish great things. I had accomplished many things, and this mess scattered behind me was a testament to what I had done with my life and who I had been before the hurricane. Yes, I had dreams. I pursued those dreams, and many of them, I accomplished. This means that I must have been an ambitious person, with healthy goals. I was someone who spent her time here on Earth trying to live a positive, productive life. Also, yes, I had savings. I had taken care of myself, stood on my own two feet, well enough to think of a rainy day. This means I was a responsible woman, someone I could count on. Yes, I had keepsakes. I didn’t accumulate random clutter. What I bothered to hold onto in life had meaning, which means that I was perhaps a sentimental woman, someone who placed more value in love and friendship than in material possessions. And, yes, I had a cat. I had made a commitment to care for another living creature, and I had followed through with that commitment every day. He was a happy cat that trusted people. That means he grew up with someone who taught him that he could trust, which means I was a trustworthy, dependable person at some point
For the first time, looking back was actually useful. There I saw a woman who was ambitious, productive, and positive. She was someone she could count on. She was trustworthy and dependable. She was capable of making commitments and keeping them. I also remember how much she trusted other people and in the good of humanity. It was only a matter of time, I suppose, until someone who didn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt came along and exploited a character trait that I should not be ashamed of. Yes, I’m wiser now, but having a generous, loving, trusting, and forgiving heart is nothing to feel stupid about.
Seeing Past the Mess
I’d like to ask new survivors to try this themselves. Try looking past the absolute destruction in your history. Try to see the destruction as an actual testament to what you were, because if there hadn’t been something to destroy, this wouldn’t have happened in the first place. Sociopaths look for someone who has something they can take away or ruin, whether it be money, love, intimacy/sex, trust, or emotional support. By the very fact that we were targeted means that we were carrying something of value to begin with, and I’m guessing that most of us, if not all of us, can take credit for the great people we were before we were targeted.
Look to your past to remember what an amazing person you were, even though it might hurt to know that this person was destroyed. But look anyways to remind yourself that you are strong, even in these moments when every step feels like a monumental achievement. We will never get back whom we used to be, not 100%. However, it might be a mistake to assume that we are not still fantastic, even if we don’t feel it right now. And, with the added wisdom of our experience, I bet we’ll build an even better house now, one that a hurricane cannot knock over.
Constantine,
My favorite joke about cats vs dogs- for a little 🙂
Dog Diary vs Cat Diary
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG’S DIARY
Day number 180
8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 182
8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT’S DIARY
DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair”must try this on their bed.
DAY 765
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was”Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid?! My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer..” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time”
justdreamin: A couple things you said struck me. First of all, your hubby tells you to just forget and look forward. I know he means well, and in some ways, this is good advice. However, I’ve noticed that my mind isn’t done with anything until it has received the full lesson from that experience. Sometimes I need to replay something over and over again until the “light bulb” comes on and I realize what I was meant to “learn” from that. Like Sky said, you need to really understand this before your mind will be able to let it go. It’s a life lesson. Like any lesson, we need to review and review to ace the test, to become competent enough to tackle any similar challenge that comes our way. Don’t “dwell” in the past, but processing is not a bad thing. Also, you said you feel guilty for even 1% involvement in the problem. Well, GOOD then that means you are not a sociopath!!! The difference we have to keep in mind is that EVERYONE messes up. No one is perfect. The difference is that a sociopath doesn’t care, doesn’t feel guilt. Normal people DO feel guilt, and guilt prevents them from making that same mistake again, especially if we hurt another person with our mistake. Rather than being worried about what you did wrong, you should find some consolation in the fact that you are human enough to care, responsible enough to accept consequences for your own actions, and smart enough to not do it again now.
Stargazer: Thanks for your kind words about my kitty. The pain from losing him is harder than any aspect of this, actually. Knowing that I judged his character SO wrong and then put an innocent creature in that kind of danger is something I feel horrible about. He trusted me to protect him, and then I let the devil into the home he felt safe in. I am so enraged at times that I want to go back, hunt down my ex….and make him at least show me where my cat is, even if it’s just the bones of my baby. Unfortunately, the legal system in Turkey would laugh at me if I filed a complaint that he killed my cat.
Superkid10: Thanks for your encouragement!
Liz: I think there was a spath tell in your post. She wants something to “knock you off your feet.” That sounds like a tell. You know what, the importance of family is a load of crap. I DO love my family very much, but believe me it’s not something I’ve decided based on blood lines alone! I do not utter a word to my P father or aunt (I have NO IDEA what is wrong with her, but she is a very abusive woman to everyone who loves her). There is a great saying about this: “Blood is thicker than water, but love is thicker than blood.” I have found other family members in the road of life, and many of them are not related by blood at all. Also, you used the word “spiel” which I wanted to mention translates to “play/game” in German. I thought you might find this interesting, considering how you used it. I am sick of drama too!!!! Hence to reason I spend a lot of time alone and waste absolutely ZERO time on people who try to stir up nonsense problems. Your kitty is a precious gift! Kiss him/her for me!!! My cat saved my life, and I saved him. I found him on the streets of Istanbul 3 years ago when he was the size of my hand. Neighborhood boys had killed all his siblings. He did save me.
You know what’s really odd? Okay, really really ODD! I was having this horrible day a few weeks ago, thinking of him, feeling SO MUCH GUILT for what happened to him, as I blame myself so much for the fact that I didn’t protect him better. Well, I was “in it” as I was walking out of my apartment, I mean to the point I could barely keep walking. When I got outside my apartment, this little cat came running up to me, meowing. He rubbed against my leg, purring, and just kept meowing like he had to tell me something (you know like when they want food or something! hahah). Anyways, he came from nowhere, and I have never seen this cat since. I pet him for a few moments, and I felt very strongly that he’d been told to come tell me that my kitty doesn’t blame me and that he loves me still. The timing was so strange for this random cat to show up and run straight towards me with such determination.
Constantine: I love that piece! However, I love dogs and cats very much. I love anything furry, and many things which aren’t furry. I just love animals.
Coping, that was HILARIOUS!!!!! Thanks for sharing!!! Hahahah. ROFL!!!!
Panther,
I am so sorry about your cat….losing a pet can hurt so badly. Please don’t continue to hurt yourself more. I stongly believe God, the Universe, whatever does send us little signs like that.
I’m glad you enjoyed the joke. Sometimes we all need a little laugh to get us through the tough times.
My cat kept me up so late being naughty last night. He has figured out how to open the closet door by himself, so he can get in there and make trouble. He also decided to keep grabbing the curtains and trying to bring them down in the living room and he climbed all the way up the window in the bedroom and it was hard to get him down. When he finally came down he was playing with his toy mouse and jumping and running all over the bedroom. He is a noisy little fella when he wants to be. Then when he finally came to bed he smacked me in the face with his paw when I was falling asleep.
My sister was so evil in her email to me last night-so spathy, but I decided to put it out of my mind. She has been jealous of me her whole life and was hateful to me for it. She wanted the attention of my N mother, and I just wanted mother to leave me alone and focus on her. I erased the email and I’ll never have to look at again and I sure won’t respond. I had no contact with her since at least 2008 and I sure won’t take the bait and start now. She has no idea how it is to live my kind of life-being an independent woman who takes care of herself. She is on her second marriage at age 36 after destroying what she had with the first one, after milking him for as much money as she could. She wanted that Dallas standard of living, whether he could spend the money or not. The new guy is totally opposite her and one I would never see her with-from what I hear, and we’ll see how long that lasts.
She gave me the pity ploy about her learning disabilities and her eating disorder.
She blamed her eating disorder on me when we were in our early 20s-she told me she didn’t want to be fat and disgusting like me. Of course, I became overweight by eating my pain after being sexual assaulted and not telling anyone about it. I love it how her pain is so important and mine isn’t. What a b***h.
Liz, I’m sorry about how your sister treats you, and personally, I would not allow anyone to talk to me like that. My sister was always very cruel and jealous of me, too. I think a lot of it had to do with us competing for crumbs of love from parents who never really were able to love us. We were pitted against each other in the process, and no matter how hard I tried as an adult, was never able to break through to my sister. I tried for years to have a relationship with her and finally gave up and let go of it. I feel it’s better to have no one in my life than to have people who tear me down, even if it is out of their own pain. I had compassion for my sister’s pain my whole life, even though she was always hostile to me. I even dreamt on a camping trip that she tried to kill herself (which, in fact, happened) and wanted to rush to her side afterward, but she didn’t want me there. It’s very very tragic how siblings can be so adversely affected by abuse that they cannot ever have a healthy relationship with each other. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. I just opted to walk after so many years of it.
I prefer cats to people, if that’s any consolation. What kind of cat do you have?
Star-thanks. I did walk years ago and now that I think about it, it has been since 2006 and not 2008 since I had contact with her. I was when N mother had her brain aneurysm in 2006. She and I got in a huge fight over N mother and I walked out and hadn’t spoken to her since-not even at my brother’s wedding in 2008.
I agree with what you said-I would rather be totally alone than having toxic family in my life. I am angry with her for using her daughter to get to me, and her talking about how her daughter inherited her learning disabilities, and how her daughter wants me in their lives. She basically insinuated that the estrangement between us was all MY fault and she refused to apologize and take ownership for all the evil that she did to try and pay me back for getting N mother’s attention. Then preceeded to lecture me about how I need to let N mother back in my life. NO WAY-it’s NOT happening.
I will be alone with my cat before I ever let that evil toxicity in my life. Remy is all I need in my life. BTW, he is an orange tabby. He has beautiful markings and he looks a lot like Morris.
Your cat sounds adorable! I’m down to my last cat – a black and white one named Destructo who was born on my bed 18 1/2 ago. They really are like little healers, aren’t they?
I am with you – I have NO tolerance for people who do not take responsibility for themselves. I don’t care who they are. I went through all the triangulation attempts with my mother back when I was still talking to both of them but they weren’t talking to each other. I’m glad to be free of it all now. I still dream about them, but in my dreams they are the mother and sister that I wished they could be.
Liz,
orange tabbys can be a handful. Have you tried holding him on his back and nuzzling his belly? It’s pretty fun. It’s most fun when they are kittens because they still have that kitten smell.
Plus it teaches them who’s boss. 🙂
Liz: Your sister reminds me of my aunt! My mom’s sister is like this. My mom herself is a fairly normal human being, but her sister is…well…I don’t know WHAT is wrong with her. I do know that the family tried to get her son taken away from her years ago when they learned she was smoking CRACK. She has gone from man to man, blatantly gold-digging. Our HUGE falling out (haven’t spoken to her since) was when she got me a summer job working for her latest sugar daddy at a “psychic hotline.” No, I wasn’t the psychic. I was just the “sales girl” and within a week, I couldn’t work for the guy. It was a little shop, and he had 12 cameras in it that he watched in his office all day long, all 12 angles. If anyone did or said anything wrong, his voice would ring over the loud speaker with a correction. And I mean this place was SMALL yet he couldn’t just walk out of his office to talk to anyone. Then I noticed he was ripping off customers. My aunt confessed that the guy had done serious prison time for fraud, but she didn’t care cause he had bought her a BMW! So, 7 days into the job, I refused to turn up for work one day. There was just NO WAY I could work for someone like that, no matter who he was dating in my family! My aunt FLIPPED OUT and started jumping up and down on his bed, screaming at me that I cannot just not show up for work, and how could I have managed to get a BA when I am clearly an idiot. She was SCREAMING and here was a 36-year-old woman jumping up and down on a BED screaming at her 24-year-old niece! I was staying in “his house” as a guest during the summer work set-up, and she screamed that now I was living there for FREE OMFG just like HER! I pointed out that SHE was also living there for free, and she screamed (exact quote coming): “Yes, but I am fucking him!” I didn’t utter so much as a word to her after that, just watched in shock as she ranted and raved. Then, when she finally calmed down, I looked at her very soberly and said, “I will never speak to you again.” And I walked out the front door. That was 3 years ago. She has sent me emails, facebook messages, etc saying, “Oh, how are you? How is your life! Oh, tell me all about Germany! How cool you live abroad!” She is CLUELESS.
I don’t know what your sister said in that mail, but I do know that family knows how to push our buttons, cause they know us well. Then, to top it off, when it’s family, there is an added sense of betrayal because we had tried so hard to love them as a family member yet they still hurt us and betrayed such a precious potential bond.
Also, your cat sounds ADORABLE. No matter how annoying they can be, it’s sooo worth all the racket in the night. My cat once used my face as a launch pad to jump after a fly!!! Oh my oh my!!! Such a cutie!!!