Editor’s note: The following letter was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Panther.”
This little bundle of words comes from a new survivor. I write this hoping that I can find these thoughts to be consolation for myself, as well as to share them with others for the same reason. Through reading various Lovefraud articles, I’ve realized that the veterans have so much invaluable advice to offer. However, at times I wonder how the voice of a survivor sounded right after the break. The reason this matters to me is because the veterans seem so much stronger than I feel right now. I cannot help but wonder, as I read through their wise words, if they have something I don’t have, which enabled them to get over this. Then I doubt myself, as the sound of my own trembling voice seems meek in comparison. I reason that I don’t have what it takes, like they do.
But this isn’t true, and I want to be a little voice here on Lovefraud that says:
“I’m still shaking in the aftermath. The voice of my oppressor is still ringing in my ears. My legs feel too weak to stand, and I don’t feel strong enough to overcome this ”¦ you’re not the only one.”
It’s been less than one month since I went No Contact. That isn’t to say that I haven’t felt an icy presence reaching for me across this void I’ve put between myself and that monster. Emotionally, I’m always slapping away an invisible hand that seems to be grasping for my heart—and sanity. I don’t know whom to trust, and I cannot see clearly. The whole world looks a bit like it’s covered in a giant rain cloud, and I feel as though I’m trying to navigate my way down a crowded highway as this huge cloud hangs so low in the sky that I cannot see even a few inches in front of my car.
Looking Back at the Disaster
The last thing I’d ever want to do is look back.
Yet, today, I actually did just that, and I was surprised at what I found. It was hard at first to peer far enough into this disaster to see more than a house torn to bits by a hurricane. At first, that’s all I saw. I saw my dreams shattered and thrown all over the ground like the china cabinet he punched one night. I saw my keepsakes covered in dirt and strewn around, like my body was every time he put his violent hands on me. All my savings were blown away with the strong winds, and they weren’t even in this mess for me to go collect with time. My cat, who had been a best friend throughout the torture, lay dead under the rumble now. There was nothing that this hurricane hadn’t destroyed of what I once called my life.
This is what I saw at first, which made me want to look ahead, never back. Also, everywhere I read, survivors are told to focus on the future, keep their eyes on new horizons. How was I to grapple with pummeling down this road in a beat up old car, directly into a dark and blinding cloud, while feeling like a bombed out, empty shell where once a human used to be?
Aha. Where once a human used to be. And who was she?
Again, I looked back. This time, past the rubble. Past the destruction. Surely, if there was a pile of destruction, then there must have been something to begin with. Right? You don’t end up with a toppled over house unless you have a house in the first place!
So then I saw beyond the broken pieces. I saw the whole house. I saw what I had built. Yes, me, just little ole me who is sitting here feeling so weak and unable to accomplish great things. I had accomplished many things, and this mess scattered behind me was a testament to what I had done with my life and who I had been before the hurricane. Yes, I had dreams. I pursued those dreams, and many of them, I accomplished. This means that I must have been an ambitious person, with healthy goals. I was someone who spent her time here on Earth trying to live a positive, productive life. Also, yes, I had savings. I had taken care of myself, stood on my own two feet, well enough to think of a rainy day. This means I was a responsible woman, someone I could count on. Yes, I had keepsakes. I didn’t accumulate random clutter. What I bothered to hold onto in life had meaning, which means that I was perhaps a sentimental woman, someone who placed more value in love and friendship than in material possessions. And, yes, I had a cat. I had made a commitment to care for another living creature, and I had followed through with that commitment every day. He was a happy cat that trusted people. That means he grew up with someone who taught him that he could trust, which means I was a trustworthy, dependable person at some point
For the first time, looking back was actually useful. There I saw a woman who was ambitious, productive, and positive. She was someone she could count on. She was trustworthy and dependable. She was capable of making commitments and keeping them. I also remember how much she trusted other people and in the good of humanity. It was only a matter of time, I suppose, until someone who didn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt came along and exploited a character trait that I should not be ashamed of. Yes, I’m wiser now, but having a generous, loving, trusting, and forgiving heart is nothing to feel stupid about.
Seeing Past the Mess
I’d like to ask new survivors to try this themselves. Try looking past the absolute destruction in your history. Try to see the destruction as an actual testament to what you were, because if there hadn’t been something to destroy, this wouldn’t have happened in the first place. Sociopaths look for someone who has something they can take away or ruin, whether it be money, love, intimacy/sex, trust, or emotional support. By the very fact that we were targeted means that we were carrying something of value to begin with, and I’m guessing that most of us, if not all of us, can take credit for the great people we were before we were targeted.
Look to your past to remember what an amazing person you were, even though it might hurt to know that this person was destroyed. But look anyways to remind yourself that you are strong, even in these moments when every step feels like a monumental achievement. We will never get back whom we used to be, not 100%. However, it might be a mistake to assume that we are not still fantastic, even if we don’t feel it right now. And, with the added wisdom of our experience, I bet we’ll build an even better house now, one that a hurricane cannot knock over.
Sky and Star-he is adorable and I do nuzzle his belly. He is very good most everyday but this was the second naughty night he’s had since I brought him home. I wonder if it’s because neighbor lady touched him last night. LOL.
Panther-thanks for your post. This sister is really something else, but now I can at least go back to pretending she doesn’t exist and it shows how stupid she really is to think that I would actually respond to her baiting nonsense. She has a whole lot to learn about what I’m really about. She is clueless.
A funny thing happened to me on 9/2/11.I was blogging here about the p/s that turned my mind upside down. I was toying with the idea of crashing her 50th party. The past Sunday the priests suggested we keep our heart open to Gods voice. As I locked up my open house I heard this kitten crying in desperation. I had not heard this all afternoon. I had been outside and there were no sign of cats or anything. Hearing this cry for help brought back Sundays sermon. I looked over the gate where I had been several minutes earlier I saw a kitten that could barely be two weeks old about to be covered by ants. I waited several minutes to see if momakitty would return. She did not ;I now have a healthy 5or6 week old kitten named Corona. The kitten has the same color scheme as two of the cats my s/p has. I still wonder if she placed it there;knowing I would rescue the kitten. In any event i’ve formed an anology out of this.My s/p was like the kitten when we met. Crying for help, seemingly devoid of confidence needing to be believed in and needed. Like the kitten she needed to be bottle fed until she was strong enough to pery upon Kpeople again. Little did I know I was nursing a top predator. NOW the question is knowing what I know now would I allow myself to be that exposed again. Right now I’d say yes though there is definitely that part of me that feels like it’s missing. Just though I’d let you know what’s been happening.
Liz, the part that was so hard for me in cutting my sister off was that even though she hated me, I always had a lot of compassion for her. I understood why she was the way she was. Her abused started younger, and she was in it for more years. The last few years were alone because I was gone. My stepfather always played good kid/bad kid, so I’m sure I threw her under the bus a few times to keep from getting beaten myself. And a few times (I’m ashamed to admit) I just took his side against her in order to be on his good side. I dont’ blame her for hating me and not trusting me. But unfortunately, there is nothing I can do about it. It is what it is. I will never hate her. But man, she was SO hostile to me over the years. She said some really nasty things that really hurt me. One of her comments was part of the reason I dropped out of grad school. Even if she wanted to talk to me and be close, I don’t know if I could ever trust her. And in this way, I lost or disowned my entire family. It is what it is I guess.
Star-I understand that and the same thing has happened to me with my family. It is easier to be without them. My sister was horribly hurtful to me too, due to the jealousy and now I think it was all complicated by the HSP thing. She is the opposite.
That HSP thing is making me rethink what has been going on between me and my neighbor. I read a lot about it after I saw the post from Sky. I think that she is way more highly sensitive than I am. She lectured me once about needing to toughen up and get a thicker skin. She also told me that she used to be just like me-super sensitive, and that she had to force herself to go the other way because people were stepping all over her in the business world. She also told me about when she got that chancellor fired, that he went off on her in public and humiliated her and made her the center of attention. She said that she had to fight back the tears because her first inclination was to start crying all over the place. Instead, she got tough. I read that when HSPs fight their nature and try to oppose it, it causes them to be more incredibly stressed out. I also remembered that all the times that we have been out together and the invitation was instigated by HER, we had a great time together and it was relaxed and easy. It was complicated by the fact that I was TOO lonely. Because like her, I NEED my downtime and alone time, but I got too lonely. Now that I have my cat, I don’t feel the loneliness that I had before and I am not so focused on trying to spend time with her. Having him could help out with how we relate to each other.
I also remembered that although she got that guy fired, she didn’t seem naturally vindictive to me. I think that if she were, that she would have tried to come after me upon finding out that I am gay and that I was falling for her. I was actually totally surprised, but before I left, she was actually being more demonstrative towards me than she was before I told her. The issue was that when I first went away, I was lonely and homesick and I was emailing her too much. She was super stressed out about this big work gala that she had to put on-her biggest fundraiser of the year. She got real cold in an email because of it and then I quit emailing her. When she finally saw me last night she seemed happy to see me. When I think back on how she was in the beginning when we met, I can see the sensitive qualities that she has. I am glad that I have pulled back from her but I may need to just watch her actions-especially if I let her be too.
I also learned that the trouble that I had in getting wrongfully fired from the first job had a lot to do with HSP. One article that I read stated that it leaves the HSP highly vulnerable to workplace violence and bullying. HSPs are highly competent, even though sometimes they seem less so, because a lot of times they settle for positions that are beneath their competence. They tend to be high performers unless they are being watched of scrutinized. They are also meticulous and very conscientious-which totally describes me, and are often passed over for promotions due to not wanting to have too much attention on them. It’s why being a music major eventually was too stressful for me-even though I loved the singing, and I was gifted in it. I got afraid at first that HSP wouldn’t work in police work-then I realized that my friend Captain HK is exactly like me and she is highly ranked and a highly competent police officer. I may even get the book about it. There is actually a book about HSPs in relationships which may be good. I actually feel better that I know about it now.
It explains why just a relaxed walk in my historical neighborhood in the fresh air is always so good for me and I did the best thing I could do for myself by adopting Remy. I needed him so much. I now have such a huge explanation for so many things that have happened in my lifetime. I also know that it has to do with why I have a hard time taking weight off too. Most of my weight is stress related high cortisol subcutaneous fat. HSPs have higher cortisol levels due to their tendency to develop chronic stress-which I have. It also explains why my neighbor and I both have trouble sleeping. She also told me that she CANNOT have caffeine because it is too much for her-big with HSPs.
shame on me (NOT)
Thank you for keeping us up to date and sharing the beautiful news (mews?) Good analogy, since all cats are narcissists, as are all infant mammals. But cat’s DESERVE adoration, unlike spaths.
Liz,
that’s so cool that this information is helpful to you.
I’ve known all my life that I was extremely sensitive and you’re right, cortisol plays a big part. My skin is LITERALLY thin. As a child,(until age 27 or so when I went gluten free), I used Rx Hydrocortisone cream DAILY and in large quantities because of severe eczema. I’m sure that it has contributed to the thin skin.
Reading about HSP’s has been helpful to me too. I think spaths can see that we are HSP’s and we look like candy to them.
You know, cats have played such a big part in my life. My Siamese who died in 2010 was one of the great loves of my life. He slept inside my shirt (with me wearing it) every night. I waited on him hand and foot, serving him baby food in bed off my fingers because it was the only way he would eat in the last few years. He was a little tyrant, and I loved him so much. When he died, I wished I could have gone with him. It was the single most painful loss of my life. I sat in my living room and wailed the minute life left his little body. (He was euthanized on my chest while sleeping peacefully). I can’t even talk about it now without crying. I can’t imagine loving a person any more than I loved that cat, or that I love Destructo. When she dies, I don’t know what I’ll do.
Sky-the hydrocortisone cream is responsible for your thin skin. I read about it when I had to take it for allergic reactions. I have roseaca and really sensitive, fair Irish complexion and there are so many face creams and cosmetics that I had to throw out due to being allergic to them, and many were EXPENSIVE. I just threw out some Loreal that was pricy because I woke up this morning with the standard large red welts that itched violently. I use benadryl cream on them and I put coconut oil on my face. I can only really use Aveda creams, coconut oil, or olive oil on my face. I don’t know why I keep trying new things.
Star-I’m sorry about that cat of yours. I can’t even think how I would be if something happened to Remy. He adopted ME and saved my life. I laugh thinking about him smacking me in the face with his paw in the middle of the night and waking me up from sleep. He can be SO naughty sometimes, but he is my baby boy. He scratched me so hard this evening on my neck because he fell asleep and was trying to fall on his head. He was lying on his back and I grabbed him and he got scared and scratched me. Now he is peacefully sleeping on one of my bed pillows on the couch next to me.
Sky – i feel the same way about my grey mister…
Destructo wakes me up every morning slapping me in the face. It’s very humbling.