Editor’s note: The following letter was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Panther.”
This little bundle of words comes from a new survivor. I write this hoping that I can find these thoughts to be consolation for myself, as well as to share them with others for the same reason. Through reading various Lovefraud articles, I’ve realized that the veterans have so much invaluable advice to offer. However, at times I wonder how the voice of a survivor sounded right after the break. The reason this matters to me is because the veterans seem so much stronger than I feel right now. I cannot help but wonder, as I read through their wise words, if they have something I don’t have, which enabled them to get over this. Then I doubt myself, as the sound of my own trembling voice seems meek in comparison. I reason that I don’t have what it takes, like they do.
But this isn’t true, and I want to be a little voice here on Lovefraud that says:
“I’m still shaking in the aftermath. The voice of my oppressor is still ringing in my ears. My legs feel too weak to stand, and I don’t feel strong enough to overcome this ”¦ you’re not the only one.”
It’s been less than one month since I went No Contact. That isn’t to say that I haven’t felt an icy presence reaching for me across this void I’ve put between myself and that monster. Emotionally, I’m always slapping away an invisible hand that seems to be grasping for my heart—and sanity. I don’t know whom to trust, and I cannot see clearly. The whole world looks a bit like it’s covered in a giant rain cloud, and I feel as though I’m trying to navigate my way down a crowded highway as this huge cloud hangs so low in the sky that I cannot see even a few inches in front of my car.
Looking Back at the Disaster
The last thing I’d ever want to do is look back.
Yet, today, I actually did just that, and I was surprised at what I found. It was hard at first to peer far enough into this disaster to see more than a house torn to bits by a hurricane. At first, that’s all I saw. I saw my dreams shattered and thrown all over the ground like the china cabinet he punched one night. I saw my keepsakes covered in dirt and strewn around, like my body was every time he put his violent hands on me. All my savings were blown away with the strong winds, and they weren’t even in this mess for me to go collect with time. My cat, who had been a best friend throughout the torture, lay dead under the rumble now. There was nothing that this hurricane hadn’t destroyed of what I once called my life.
This is what I saw at first, which made me want to look ahead, never back. Also, everywhere I read, survivors are told to focus on the future, keep their eyes on new horizons. How was I to grapple with pummeling down this road in a beat up old car, directly into a dark and blinding cloud, while feeling like a bombed out, empty shell where once a human used to be?
Aha. Where once a human used to be. And who was she?
Again, I looked back. This time, past the rubble. Past the destruction. Surely, if there was a pile of destruction, then there must have been something to begin with. Right? You don’t end up with a toppled over house unless you have a house in the first place!
So then I saw beyond the broken pieces. I saw the whole house. I saw what I had built. Yes, me, just little ole me who is sitting here feeling so weak and unable to accomplish great things. I had accomplished many things, and this mess scattered behind me was a testament to what I had done with my life and who I had been before the hurricane. Yes, I had dreams. I pursued those dreams, and many of them, I accomplished. This means that I must have been an ambitious person, with healthy goals. I was someone who spent her time here on Earth trying to live a positive, productive life. Also, yes, I had savings. I had taken care of myself, stood on my own two feet, well enough to think of a rainy day. This means I was a responsible woman, someone I could count on. Yes, I had keepsakes. I didn’t accumulate random clutter. What I bothered to hold onto in life had meaning, which means that I was perhaps a sentimental woman, someone who placed more value in love and friendship than in material possessions. And, yes, I had a cat. I had made a commitment to care for another living creature, and I had followed through with that commitment every day. He was a happy cat that trusted people. That means he grew up with someone who taught him that he could trust, which means I was a trustworthy, dependable person at some point
For the first time, looking back was actually useful. There I saw a woman who was ambitious, productive, and positive. She was someone she could count on. She was trustworthy and dependable. She was capable of making commitments and keeping them. I also remember how much she trusted other people and in the good of humanity. It was only a matter of time, I suppose, until someone who didn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt came along and exploited a character trait that I should not be ashamed of. Yes, I’m wiser now, but having a generous, loving, trusting, and forgiving heart is nothing to feel stupid about.
Seeing Past the Mess
I’d like to ask new survivors to try this themselves. Try looking past the absolute destruction in your history. Try to see the destruction as an actual testament to what you were, because if there hadn’t been something to destroy, this wouldn’t have happened in the first place. Sociopaths look for someone who has something they can take away or ruin, whether it be money, love, intimacy/sex, trust, or emotional support. By the very fact that we were targeted means that we were carrying something of value to begin with, and I’m guessing that most of us, if not all of us, can take credit for the great people we were before we were targeted.
Look to your past to remember what an amazing person you were, even though it might hurt to know that this person was destroyed. But look anyways to remind yourself that you are strong, even in these moments when every step feels like a monumental achievement. We will never get back whom we used to be, not 100%. However, it might be a mistake to assume that we are not still fantastic, even if we don’t feel it right now. And, with the added wisdom of our experience, I bet we’ll build an even better house now, one that a hurricane cannot knock over.
sky and lizzy – is it ordinary that people don’t know their blood types? and as a nurse lizzy? I would have thought that you would have mandatory drug testing somewhere along the way and that you would have known your type.
I was Rhesus incompatible with my mother, and have a rather uncommon blood type, so have worn a medic alert bracelet (most) of my life. lizzy i don’t give blood – wish i could. there are too many wonky things in my system, I doubt that my blood is safe to give to another.
OneJoy,
I had a car accident at age 18, so somebody knows my bloodtype, but I haven’t called to find out. In the USA everything costs big bucks, so unless you want to pay, you have to wait until it is required or you donate.
Skylar,
I came here looking for you today. I just had such a traumatizing experience, and it made me think of your “narcissist” explanation. There is definitely something very DIFFERENT about me, but I’d hate to think of it as a bad thing, because of what just happened. So let me tell you quickly:
I was at the store. A woman dropped stiff backwards into a metal counter. She hit her head on the metal counter and then went into a full seizure (the seizure started before she fell). IMMEDIATELY I ran to her and got on the floor. By the time I had my hand on her arm to assess the situation, everyone else around me was just staring blankly, in shock. They were frozen. So I called out for someone to call an ambulance. They did. Then I called for lots of towels, because she had hit her head so hard that a pool of blood was forming rapidly around her. Her eyes were rolling back in her head, foaming at the mouth, the whole bit. I was afraid she might actually die from how she hit her head. I wasn’t sure. I had no idea what I was really supposed to do, but I couldn’t leave her side. I was just GLUED. I held a towel on the back of her head and tilted her head slightly to make sure she didn’t choke on her own tongue.
As this was happening, I knew this was the “rescuer” trait you’re talking about. BUT no doubt about it: this trait is possibly a good one to have. From an evolutionary standpoint, having members of a community invested enough in each other to make sure they help one another stay alive seems like a good thing. I noticed, though, that I was the only person with this response. Some people just stood in shock, unable to respond. Some actually continued shopping while a woman was shaking in a pool of blood! There weren’t that many people there, but it was immediately apparent that there was something very different about my response to the situation compared to those around me.
If this is a form of narcissism, then how can one even compare a narcissist to a spath? I would have thought the “narcissist in the room” would be the person who keeps shopping, thinking, “Oh, I don’t want to be late to make lunch. Someone else can help that lady.”
I am very confused about all this now. Is there really something wrong with me because I helped her? If I am an N for this, then in a crisis, I mean if you were the one who fell backwards and hit your head and started bleeding all over a shopping center, wouldn’t you hope, then, that there is an N nearby?
I am very confused about the definition of a narcissist then and if the definition means someone who could save another person’s life in such a situation, then why does a narcissist get such a bad rep?
By the way, my blood type is B. There are some funny things on the internet about eating right for your blood type and personalities being based on blood type. Hahah. It sounds like baloney to me. Maybe in 10 years we will all learn that it’s real, haha.
Panther, good morning.
Sorry you went through that harrowing experience. The woman was lucky that you were there to help her.
We are all lucky when people reach out to us in our time of need without thinking to protect themselves first. But at the same time, it is important that we consider our safety when we are trying to help someone. Remember Ted Bundy would get women to help him carry his books, then hit them on the head and throw them in the trunk.
In your situation, the woman could have infected you with a blood disease or later sued you for doing the wrong thing. Of course those are extreme considerations, but I can tell you that my spath would have thought of them. And then he would have helped the woman just so he could be in the middle of the drama and get to see her facial expressions.
Recently, I saw a video of several good samaratins lifting up a burning car to rescue a man trapped underneath. The car could have exploded but they went in to help anyway.
In the end, people will judge your actions by the results. If the car had blown up and killed the rescuers, people would have said, “those people let their emotions get the best of them and they didn’t have enough self-protective instinct to stay away from a car that’s on the verge of exploding.” and “you can’t save other people, if you’re dead, first you have to protect your own life.”
Since it had a happy ending, they are called heroes.
IMO, we all have some narcissism in us and the levels of it fluctuate throughout the day, depending on triggers. Narcissism is only a PD when it completely rules your life and the way you live it.
In my case, I was living a life of always responding to what others needed. Always. I was utterly predictable. The spath and his minions would discuss ways of pulling my strings. And I’m sure they were laughing at how easy it was. My trojan horse BIL called me and said, “skylar, you have to come over right away.” but wouldn’t tell me why. It’s an 160 mile round trip!! He thought that if he sounded urgent enough, I would respond to the emotion in his voice. I made him tell me the reason: it was because his brother had just committed suicide. Then I drove there. There was no reason, actually for me to go. I didn’t even know his brother.
Panther-I don’t think that for one minute that you are N for what you did for trying to help that lady in the store. This comes from a trauma nurse. It is naturally in me to do so, and I would have done the same thing. It is entirely possible for someone to bleed out from a head injury and it seems that the seizure caused the injury.
I saw the same thing that Sky did with the people moving a car to get it off a man who was pinned underneath. It also happened to one of my patients back 5 years ago. I got a patient in the trauma unit that was pinned under a car. She was waiting for the bus at the busstop and some crazy man was evading the police and hit the busstop. The police, fireman, and bystanders got her out from the car. I think that it shows how many people don’t care about other human beings if they just stand there and watch the drama like it’s entertainment.
There is a Good Samaritan law that is supposed to make it very difficult to sue someone for making an honest attempt to help someone else who has been injured. You can look it up. I even know a lot of healthcare workers who don’t stop to help others because they are worried about being sued. IMO that was a life threatening emergency and I would have done what I could. It’s all about people with the humanity enough to help someone they don’t know. Yes, there is a risk of blood exposure to help someone else, but I just can’t imagine me not doing the same thing. I think that you did a good thing. Just trying to hold pressure on a headwound to keep someone from bleeding out could save their life, and I don’t think it has anything to do with Narcissism on your part. I don’t think you went into it with an attitude of “I’m going to SAVE this woman’s life”. You just wanted to help.
I’m having a difficult time with the Defender/Nurturer aspect of my personality right now. Being ISFJ and HSP makes me want to be the rescuer. I have to fight all the instincts in my body to NOT try to rescue someone who doesn’t think that she needs to be rescued.
It’s just SO hard to see someone that you care about when their face and body language are screaming that they need someone and they don’t want to admit it or can’t. I am extremely concerned that my neighbor is going to get carted off to the psych ward sooner than later. There is a huge difference in her since I’ve been home and it’s bothering me alot. It is abnormal for someone to let so much fear take over their life-and the anxiety level is SO much higher than it was 8 weeks ago. I really wish that she would go see someone to talk or make some attempt to try to deal with it, because it is unhealthy and it’s going to bring her down. I feel helpless because I can’t do anything for her.
lizzy – even if the situation was different it isn’t within your power to help her. allow yourself to sit and feel how ‘feeling helpless’ feels and just let it come and go. It’s like Nc – we have thoughts and feelings, but we DON’T act on them.
there is always a perceived pay off for being a rescuer – for me for years, it was my self identity: i protected and rescued. thankfully i *got* that this needed to be in balance, and most of the time i am able to pull myself back quickly when that gets triggered in me…’cept with the spath of course, ’cause the bitch was playing me.
there is a very very good book, an old one that i think might be of some use to you: Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. it’s a bit of a workbook and a story. Mine is actually held together with a clip because it is so old and well loved. Anything about the Karpman triangle will be helpful too.
as always – focus on yourself. if she is going to end up in the psych ward then that is where she is going. not your job nurse lizzy, even if it were possible to postpone her fall…and it’s not.
Hi Sky and Liz,
Okay, that makes me feel a little better. I was riding home on my bike afterwards thinking, “Oh my god, does this mean there is something wrong with me? Am I an N?” I have been very confused by how that word has been used in here. If there were something wrong with me, like a personality disorder, I guess I’d really want to know because then maybe (hopefully) I could fix it, so I keep worrying that I have this or that. Mostly, I’m still sure Asperger’s causes a lot of this anyways.
Skylar, you are right about a spath being able to use this trait, yes. However, in a situation like the one I saw today, there was no way on Earth this woman was faking anything. I do need to be careful about who sees this. After the woman was in the ambulance, two of the men in the store were looking at me like they were ready to propose marriage. Thank goodness I’ve been spending so much time in LF, cause I immediately thought, “Oh, great, I just announced to everyone here that I’m a spath’s dream woman!”
Liz, I was very afraid she’d “bleed out” (just googled that). People, once they got active, kept asking me what we should do, as if I had any clue! I was trying to keep myself from crying because I hated seeing her like that and was so afraid I was about to watch a stranger die without ever knowing what I was supposed to do, my hands were shaking. I am not a nurse, so I was just thinking of all the TV shows I had seen with seizures, thinking of stories I’d heard, any information I could remember. No way on Earth did I go in thinking I would save her. Quite the opposite, I was afraid I had no idea what to do, but only knew that I had to do something!
About your neighbor, I agree with One/Joy, although I don’t know how close you are to her. Even if I really need help, it’s hard for me to let someone I am not close to help me. If you are not close to her and she doesn’t seem like she wants help, there really isn’t much you can do. Trying to get into that situation could just drag you down as you continuously fail, which could lead to obsession with trying to get through to her, and then you’ll neglect yourself in the process. Does she have any close family members that you could talk to about this? Rather than directly helping, since she isn’t your kin, maybe you could just tell someone who is close enough to help what you think. Your observations might be valuable if there are people in her family who don’t know exactly what is going on or how bad it has become. If she has a good family, I’m sure they’d take over from there. I know if someone on my mom’s side of the family was tipped off about something like this from a neighbor, as a unit we’d all come up with a way to solve the problem and the neighbor would have done their part just by telling us. (then again…on my dad’s side of the family…whole different story)
Onejoy-I was also going to respond to your question regarding me not knowing my blood type too. I am drug tested all the time for work but I was under the impression that they don’t do blood types unless it is ordered, or if you choose to donate.
As far as the rescuing, I have heard of the book that you’re talking about. If I can find it at the library that would be great but my job situation sure won’t allow me to purchase any books right now. I will look up on the Karman triangle too-thanks. It is really hard to see someone that neurotic and she can’t be helped. I can see in my mind her being strapped down and incoherent and carted away by the ambulance. It appears that she cannot handle her job anymore due to her over-the-top anxiety and inablility to know that she appears to be a highly sensitive person and can’t handle the stress of maintaining that tough exterior. I think she is way more HSP than I am. The only difference is that I am aware of my personality issues and know that I NEED to do whatever I can to de-stress. At her age she would be better off on disability almost-due to high anxiety levels and depression. It would be hard for her to go back to her prior field as a financial advisor, because of her extreme introversion and hermit-like existence. She tries to tell me things but then freaks out and gets all tough and suddenly changes the subject. I don’t know if she is worried about me thinking she’s weak, or whatever. I just feel bad for her.
Even if I wanted to try to “rescue” or help her it would totally freak her out. I guess if she gets carted away I’ll just have to stand there and watch it happen, because I can’t prevent it, no matter how much I want to. All I can do is what you said-sit with the helpless feeling and let it happen. I am doing things to try and distract myself from it. I am working on resumes and applications, cleaning the house and unpacking and playing with my dear cat Remy. Having him totally helps me out with things. He gives me someone to focus on other than myself and her.
Panther-We are friends and I had been trying to get closer to her. She is very private and doesn’t let people get close. I found out that most people that she calls friends are only superficial acquaintances or people that she does business with-she she is such a hermit.
She is not social and keeps everyone at a distance-it seems. Sometimes she really enjoys being with me and talking to me, but due to her anxiety, it has to be on her terms. If I make too much of an effort with her she withdraws and gets distant. She considers me a friend but she doesn’t treat me like one a lot. It’s hard because I have had romantic feelings for her to, and I still do. For a long time I thought she was also interested in me in that way, but she isn’t-or is too afraid to admit it if she were. I have put that out of my mind and just see her as a neighbor and kind of a friend-as much as she lets me be. She knows that I’m here if she needs something. Other than that I don’t push things with her. It’s hard for me to visualize such a lonely existence. She tells me that most of the time it doesn’t bother her, but if she does invite me in for a drink sometimes, she is visibly relieved to have some company. Everytime I am over there for any length of time she verbalizes that it’s nice to have company. I can just only insert myself in her life where she is ready to have me. It is really ashamed because she is beautiful and smart and has so much to offer people-she just doesn’t see it though.