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By | February 20, 2013 1,073 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Why, why, why did I say yes to a sociopath?

Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.

Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.

Red flags ignored

WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.

Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.

After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.

Sexual desires revealed

Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”

Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.

Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.

Wedding jitters

I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.

Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.

During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.

Juggling me and the porn sites

Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.

I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.

Bullying and sexual harassment at work

A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.

Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.

Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”

I thought he could change. NOT!

WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:

  • Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
  • Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
  • What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?

I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.

Divorced and starting over

Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.

I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.

Looking for feedback

I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.

I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!


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Truthspeak

IMarriedIt, I am so sorry to read of your experiences and welcome to LoveFraud.

Your experiences could have been written about the exspath that I had been married to in many respects.

Your independence and ability to provide for yourself are priceless attributes, IMarriedIt! In due time, there will come a day when IT won’t even be a factor. You “read” as if you are well on your individual Healing Path, but if you are inclined, counseling therapy with someone that “gets it” might be helpful in answering the “why, why, why’s?”

For me, my core-issues allowed for predators to exploit my vulnerabilities AND strengths. Once I learned about these core-issues, true recovery began in baby steps.

Again, thank you for sharing your experiences. Keep reading, keep learning, and keep posting.

Brightest blessings

bluejay

IMarriedIt,

I applaud you for ending your roller-coaster, crazy-making marriage, brought on by the spath husband. Your life will ONLY get better! I can totally sympathize with you. I’m just sorry that you were targeted and hurt by one of these creatures.

Ox Drover

Dear ImarriedIt, congratulations on getting rid of it. The healiing path is slow but it sounds like you are on the road going in the right direction. thanks for sharing your story. God bless.

ImarriedIt,
Thanks for sharing your story!It reminded me of my own in some ways.I didn’t even understand what had happened to me;what IT was,for a very long time.Like you,I owe alot to Lovefraud and to the counseling I’ve received.

I’m happy for you that you are able to sleep now(I also went through sleep deprivation);we just need to keep moving FORWARD!

Radar_On

Dear Imarriedit, Welcome to the best cyber-place for wisdom, understanding, camraderie, hope and healing! Thanks you for sharing your story, and you are not alone. As I read your story, ohh how I can relate. Fortunately, I have only been married to the monster for 3 yrs., although not divorced yet. Why,why,why,why, you ask? why,why,why, I have asked myself that a thousand times as well as others here have. Why, “they” are VAMPIRES. They feed off af anything and everything they come in contact with! They will (like a parasitic infection) feed off and suck everything out of you; mentally, spiritually, emotionally, phyically, financially…they will feed off of ANY SOURCE of LIFEBLOOD they can find, till the HOST is drained, dead, or the HOST discovers (not who) but WHAT they are. Then it is game over for them, and they will look for a new HOST and FEEDING ground. They are the “walking dead”…no humanity within them that we can identify with. These vampires NEED good and decent people like us to survive off of. We are like the Sun…they are like the Moon. They have no Light, Goodness , warmth, Life, Humanity in them. Their “appearence” is reflecting off of us. The spath-hole I met, and ending up marring…ughhhhh, we met in Church! Sinse then, it has been a absolute “tale from the Darkside”! Imarriedit, PLEASE don’t be to hard on yourself, that will continue his carnage! We do know how you feel! Hope you frequent this amazing and wonderfully healing blog, learn grow and be well! 🙂 Best wishes of Healthiest Healing to you! 🙂

LoveSucks

Dear IMarriedIt,

I have a simular story, I am engaged to a man who charmed me just like that. I wasnt looking for anyone. I had been through enough and was just starting to enjoy the peace. Now, I find myself engaged and living with this man. He can be charming and funny but mean and cold too. He has called me all sorts of things and choked me twice. We are in counceling but I believe that is a ploy too. I wish I didnt love him. This would be so easy.

There is a shroud of mystery about him. He is keeping something from me or doing something behind my back. I just dont know what yet. I know that I cant trust him. He is obseessed with his oldest sister. It seems as though they are marrried. This is just so bazaar. I dont understand any of it nor do I know what to do. He pays no bills and there is always a reason for his money trouble.

He used to help me around the house but now he gets an attitude if I ask anything of him. We dont go out at all anymore. I dont know. I read your story and could relate

He is trying to isolate me. I see that know. He always has something negative to say about the people around me…friends, choir members, ect. I too need help but dont know where to turn.

He checks my email and phone all the time. I am glad you got out and I hope I can too. He will never change. I must accept that.

Ox Drover

How are you doing Radar? You sound well! Keep on with the smiles!

Truthspeak

LoveSucks, you can get out – you can. He may not be spath, but anyone who would put their hands around another person’s throat is TOXIC.

This, I promise: violence only escalates as time goes on. Particularly, entering into a legal, binding contract of marriage solidifies the cycle of abuse. I know this from bitter personal experience.

Don’t walk away from this guy. RUN like your AZZ is on fire! Give him his ring back and run like the wind!

Brightest blessings

Radar_On

Hi OxD, im doing ok, for today. Thanks for asking! The NO CONTACT in all of this is, well now i know why no contact is essential and imperative to surviving the carnage, and for recovery! Have not has any contact at all since last week, but it is un-nerveing at times, because i don’t know what he is up to. Im sure i will hear something sooner or later. No news from his atty…yet. Have peace for today 🙂 One day at a time…..Thanks OxD!

Truthspeak

Radar_On, ((HUGS)) Yeah…..as stupid as this may sound, make this a mantra of sorts: “no news is good news no news is good news.” Seriously.

There will come a point when it won’t matter what he’s up to. 😉

Brightest blessings

meljrocks

My eyes jumped out when I saw the name Simon. That was the name of the sociopath I was involved with for 2 years with many of the same characteristics as your former Simon. I know it’s not the same one because the Simon I was involved with was from Israel and moved to south France. Still doing the same game. Funny how there’s another Simon out there equal to him. Glad we are both rid of the Simon sociopath syndrome. 😄

Radar_On

Dear LoveSucks, first off your screen name gives a good intro to how you feel? Correct me in i’m wrong. You are engaged to a man that has choked you twice? Honey, RED FLAG! WARNING, WARNING,WARNING!!! Any bogus apology he may render or has rendered unto you is crap, smoke&mirrors. How long ago did he do that? Why i ask, is the longer you let that ride, you can become conditioned to somehow…”allow it to happen again”. By allow, i mean just to let it go… Good grief, Lovesucks! Give this jerk-off his walking papers, and tell him to drop off the face of the earth!!! If you do marry this one, i can just about bet my last dime, you will pay a high price, and live to regret it! GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP! Screw the counseling with that one! Please take the time to read some of the articles here, catch a glimpse of what may be in store for you, if you CHOOSE TO STAY. Best wishes, LS……….

OpalRose

Dear IMarriedIt – thank you for sharing your story. My is similar in many ways. So glad you are out !!

The list of whys that I have come up with may be useful and these have helped me to understand my passivity in the face of disordered people…

1. On first glance spaths look better than normal people. They are glib, charming, patient, exciting – whatever it is that gets people to relax into the planned con. Their veneer is quite good. The mirroring they do works miracles in our minds.

2. Mine also precipitated a crisis in order to get me to make a snap decision that I would have never agreed to with time to think. Yours showing up in the middle of the night – classic isn’t it ??

3. When things are going wrong, they paint themselves as a “healthy person having a bad day” and we support them through it because that is what works for healthy people going through a rough patch. We don’t see for awhile that their issues are chronic and need boundaries rather than support. Support just enables them as we all well know now.

4. Gaslighting – wow what a big tool in their bag of tricks. And ready answers for every detail that points to their disorder. And trivializing others experiences – like the co-workers and the previous girlfriend.

5. They wear an intentional mask. It never occurs to us that the face we are seeing is the faux face as you say. They are so confident that we normal folks have trouble validating our own perceptions.

So – these are my top whys that I can think of right now – why we were pulled in. Hindsight is 20/20 and we can all see how crimson those flags were looking back. That’s okay – you are away from him now.

What helps me these days is to celebrate every victory. For you – you are away from him, you have your cats (yea !), your job is still there, you are sleeping again, you have resources for learning like LF, you remember yourself before the bad experience and you are feeling more like yourself again everyday. All of these are victories.

Very best wishes to you. Thanks for sharing – every time someone validates my experience, I am so grateful.

Radar_On

Hi TSpeak! Appreciate the hug! Yeah, no news is good! Good grief, im learning, but have more rows to hoe. One day at a time! Best Regards, TS! Hope your day hasbeen a peaceful one!

Radar_On

OpalRose, appreciate your insightful comments! Very well put, and ohhh, can i ever relate!

OpalRose

Dear Love Sucks – the longer you stay the harder it will be to extract yourself from him. Seriously. There is an article by Steven Becker on this LF site about that – the longer you stay the more difficult it will be to leave. Maybe do a search on his author name and read that article here on LF.

Someone here once said to me, “you now know what he is,” so please be careful. I pray that you leave him – and be sure to leave in a safe way. Best wishes to you.

OpalRose

Dear Radar_On – wow – sending you good thoughts and strength for the coming days and weeks. Hang in there and feel our support and celebration of your courage.

(((hugs)))

Truthspeak

OpalRose…….look at you!!! I mean, just look at your insight, up there!!!! You have come SO far in your recovery!!!! TOWANDA!!!!!!!!! WOW!!!!!!!!!!!

Radar_On

Thank you, OpalRose. Appreciate the kind words. LF is my mentally stablizing lifeline! Can’t really share everything, even with family. They just cannot comprehend it. Best regards, Radar

Truthspeak

Radar, one-day-at-a-time is absolutely right.

And, just so you know, I had a rush of anxiety, today, after I learned the wage execution had not been insituted on the date that it had been ordered after the divorce. Yeah….so, the CASE-WORKER arbitrarily put a date to enforce a full 2 weeks AFTER it was supposed to take effect! This means that the alimony payment will be minimal and that the exspath will now be in serious arrears.

So, if you had looked up the word, “anxiety,” in the dictionary today, you would have seen my photograph. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m out of the state of anxiety, now, and simply pissed off.

So, recovering is an ONGOING process – there will never be a day during my lifetime that I’m not “in recovery.”

Brightest blessings

OpalRose

Dear TS – thank you soooo much for your encouragement and celebration of how far I have come – so true – thank you – thank you – thank you.

Sorry to hear of the idiocy of the clerks involved with your situation. Hope this glitch is over with ASAP. Yes – I will always be in recovery too. So glad you are here – (((hugs)))

LoveSucks

Dear Radar:

Thank you so much for your comments. He is so entangled in my life, I feel like I have to ease my way out of this. I have to find a way to get him far away from me. His sister lives in the neighborhood and that is where he will go. Too close for comfort.

bluejay

LoveSucks,

Spaths always have secrets, doing things behind our backs. Trust me, things will not get better. The spath made my life a living hell. There were constantly ongoing problems. You’d think you solved one problem, then another one popped up (that you became aware of). Undending headaches. You’re constantly living on high alert, being VERY draining. Take care of yourself and break off the engagement.

LoveSucks

Thank you all. I welcome your comments. My SP has PTSD and a disfunctional family that values drinking above all else. It is very draining and the disappointments are constant. I have been a bundle of nerves with no one on the ourtside to talk to. I am so thankful for this site and all of you.

Thank you

Radar_On

Dear Lovesucks, there is so much i wish i can convey to you in this, about your situation. Im typing on my phone, lost the net when the vampire left, so ignore the typos! Lol! You have to make a choice…to remain in this situation, or to make preparations for yourself to either leave, orhim leave. Neither will be easy for you. You need practical methods to be able to execute this. It will take time. You MUST try to stay a step ahead of him. Dont act out of “character”., try to stay on an even keel. Remaining calm, but solidify in your heart and soul, that your life depends on this. It sucks that even his sister lives in the neighborhood, thats like having another pair of eyes on you. In addition, NEVER under-estimate him! If you are a “meal ticket” to him, you are a s

Radar_On

….sourse of supply to him. If you really want out, you have to be the one to plan on doing whatever it takes, to get yourself together. It will be hard, but you deserve better! Best wishes to you! Keep us updated on your situation? My heart goes out to you! Virtual Hugs to you!!!

OpalRose,
Great list. It describes the “reality” that we live under when the spath is preying on us.

Unless we are aware that these creatures exist, we can’t imagine the extent of the fantasy they paint. Who would do that? and why? It makes no sense.

Your number 3 “they paint themselves as a “healthy person having a bad day” ” reminded me of the day my ex-spath said, “I HATE HUMANITY!” I didn’t think much of it, I thought he was just having a bad day. Now I know that he was actually expressing the truth, in a tell.

Radar_On

…oh, the remaining calm position? Still attempting to execute that in a ongoing practical way here, myself! 🙂

LoveSucks

Yes Radar, I am trying to remain calm and not tip him off. I am planning an exit strategy for him that would be the best for me. Things have to change because this is too stressful. I just want to be happy.

SociopathsSuck

Hi ppl! I didn’t know where to post this but I’d like some opinions. I split from my ex spath on Oct 2010. I have dealt with what he did to me and my family and this site helped me immensely. I value your opinions. On one of the other threads on here I saw that there are sites to basically ‘out’ an spath anonymously. I had 4 court cases against this guy over the last 2 years and won them all. I was told NOT to talk to anyone in his family or to anyone he knew so that he couldn’t make me out to be vindictive and crazy and use it against me in court. I did as I was advised and won sole custody of our son back in October of 2012, as well as the other 3 cases.

My question is – now that court is over, should I ‘out’ him anonymously to try to spare others from being victimized by this loon, or should I just let it go? I still have to deal with him on a regular basis due to our child but he’s just so stupid and annoying and it has gotten really old. Miraculously, he keeps conning people and he keeps getting away with it…I don’t understand it, especially when I’ve warned them…LOL. I guess I would like to help other potential victims out, especially now that it can’t hurt me in court. but do I bother? do I just let him continue his cons and be happy he’s not able to do it to me anymore? I’m torn.

Imarriedit

I’m finally home from work and am beyond thrilled at all of you who took the time to post replies to my story. You are all so wonderful & understand like family and coworkers just can’t. Many have said I seem to be on the path to recovery, and I’m indeed fortunate to have a good job that allows me to support myself comfortably. It’s mentally that I struggle and get frustrated with myself. I should be angry with a man who disrespected me so many times over so many years, yet some days, I miss him so badly I want to call or text him. That’s crazy! After how he treated me!
I see it’s common for these spaths to have their “secret life” especially on the dating sites. Mine trolled adultfriendfinder constantly. He said, “Well, you caught me. I had my secret life.” He begged forgiveness. After we got back together, of course I caught him right back on there. Duh, me.
Another poster mentioned trouble sleeping too, like I had. They just keep us so stressed out. Has anyone else had a husband gain a lot of weight? Mine gained a hundred pounds and I wondered if it was to embarass me. He also became unattractive, let’s say, not a chick (or guy) magnet any longer, so he mainly trolled online. How many of you also found out your man was bisexual?
I liked the no news is good news comment. Mine hasn’t bothered me in a month which is odd. He’d been texting me every three weeks or so wanting to have a chat, now nothing. It’s making me very uneasy. To me, no news is eerie.
Blessings to each and every one of you and thank God for this site. I may look strong at work but some nights I wake up and just scream out in pain. I miss him so much and know it was never him, just a droid in a hall of mirrors that I married. There’s got to be a special place in hell for these people, and before that, there’s always karma. One thing I’m confused about: Do they have under developed consciences so that there’s a physical reason for the lack of conscience, or are some people actually born evil? What makes them this way?
All of us will be all right with the support of each other.

MoonDancer

oh my i would just let it go and treat him like a POTTED PLANT

MoonDancer

iMARRIEDIT,
no news is good news..

ImarriedIT,
My husband’s weight has ballooned to the point of morbid obesity.At one point,he probably weighed as much as 200 lbs more than when we married.He loses weight when we’re apart.It has nothing to do with my cooking!It’s deliberate on his part!He withdrew his affection 20 yrs ago after I had a serious but sincere talk with him about his weight and complications.

SociopathsSuck

Imarriedit – mine was heavy when we met. when I booted him out he lost 50 lbs because he was doing drugs, but of course he blamed ME. LOL he is always on dating sites saying he wants someone ‘to share’ his life with someone…we all know what that means…he wants to share HER money. LOL and he wants to get married. his ex-wife would LOVE to get a divorce from him first. doh!

I believe my ex-spath was made this way by his mother…both through genes and environment. I’ve heard stories about the abuse she inflicted on him and his sisters. I kind of think now that SHE is a sociopath too…now that I recognize them.

I’m so glad I never experienced what you are…the ‘missing him’ part. By the time I gave him the boot, I pretty much despised him and it was a huge relief to be rid of him. Then I found out about the lies, hookers, stealing etc and it just reaffirmed my choice. Life is so much better without them!!

Back_from_the_edge

Dear Imarriedit: I am so so sorry this happened to you.
Your story sounds so similar to so many I have heard and
read about. Your story is so very similar to mine. So much
so, we could be talking about the same ‘BEING’.

Anyways, I am glad you are rid of “IT” and that you can take
your life back and start living for a change, instead of being
dominated by that monster.

You are too good for him or you wouldn’t be here looking
for the same answers I started searching for and that is what
lead me to LF. HERE you will find people who have experienced
the same kinds of things. Unfortunately, we DO understand,
where not so much in the ‘real world’, do I say?

I have had a psychopath stalker for going on 14 years soon.
We have never resided together but had been ‘acquaintances’
for a good many years prior to the mask slipping off.

From that point on, it has been a living nightmare.
One just like you would see in a “B” psycho thriller.
I am not at all impressed by the flashy show of ugliness
either. I am empowered and it took me a long time to
find that and grab a hold of that and I am never going
back. I have been solidly NC for 10 months (for the 6th
time) – it has been difficult undoing that manipulation.
Especially when your life has been threatened and
endangered.

A lot of people think I should be ‘flattered’ in some way
that I have someone who ‘loves’ me so much…

Love has absolutely nothing to do with it.
Envy; greed; ugliness; mental disorders – THOSE have
everything to do with it. I have found out things that
would make most peoples skin crawl and I somehow
can’t seem to find the words to adequately express it
all. THAT is how bad it has been for me.

But, I am empowered now.
It’s in the past and it’s staying there.

Life IS so much better without them.
The hurt will scar over, in time; be kind to yourself…
try to understand the shock of what has happened to you
and be proud that YOU ARE A SURVIVOR. Hm?

I know “I” sure am and a grateful one.

Nice to meet you; great article and thanks.
My thoughts & prayers are with you.

Dupey

Imarriedit,
my ex-spath had a young friend, Tony – now deceased from AIDS, when they were young – in their late teens thru early 30’s. Both were in the same band and Tony was openly gay. Tony had an HIV+ BF who was older, like in his 50’s and very overweight. Spath said, “Tony has father-figure issues, that’s why he looks for older fat guys.”

Spath likes young blonde men and little American Indian girls, so I guess he couldn’t relate to Tony’s preferences for older fat men.

Well now spath is an older fat man, so I guess he looks for young blonde men with father figure issues because he told a friend of his that young girls are harder to get when you’re old, fat and bald.

I don’t have any opinion on that, I just thought I’d mention it, in case you find it useful or informative.

sociopathssuck,
even though you won sole custody, from what I’ve heard here, he may try to take you to court again. I’m not the expert on that, so I’m not sure.

All the same, it seems to be the sad consensus on LF, that nobody “gets it” until they’ve experienced it. The extent of the evil makes normal human beings deny the truth because it’s too ugly to face. It’s up to you to make that judgement: will they see what I’m telling them or will they think I’m crazy?

I think that the best thing you can do is make yourself available but don’t press the issue. Also, be very careful that you aren’t ensnared by a spath minion posing as a victim. They’re EVERYWHERE.

ErinBrock

Sociopathsuck;
I will give you a bit of advice that I found very helpful in my court custody/divorce experience with spath.
NEVER GET COCKY!

You can translate that into many forms……but I found that taking the wins and trying not to poke the snake further was my best bet. Yes, we get excited winning a battle……but our focus is/was the war. You won it, your kids are safe and you are away from him. Take that knowledge, smile big and never forget how you exposed him in court. And be proud of yourself…..but don’t get cocky.
When our own egos get in our way……we will find trouble again.
Maintain the balance.

Keep in mind……IT’s NEVER over with a spath…..and you have children to raise.
If you can let him go, and realize that you have no control over if/when/how/who he cons again (and they all continue) you will be much better off.
You want him as far away and distanced from your life as feasably possible.

I have heard from spaths new wife AND her ex husband. As much as I have wanted to spew everything he’s done…..I realized that she’s gonna have to figure it out on her own…..and her ex, well, his concern was for his 2 young teen daughters…..so I told him where to look legally and he can find everything out for himself. I confirmed to him that he was right to be concerned, but I can’t get involved further.

A really good example to me of someone seeking info yet not wanting to listen is……the wife contacted ME. I responded to her with a simple quote, because I didn’t want her calling me.
“it’s easier to fool a person, than to convince them they’ve been fooled” Best of luck.
Well…..I guess his public display of abuse towards her and her kids wasn’t enough……she got pregnant that weekend!
UGH!

People will see for themselves……just like we had to.
We learn best through our own experiences. (as unfortunate as that is).

Distance=peace.

Back_from_the_edge

skylar said:

“The extent of the evil makes normal human beings deny the truth because it’s too ugly to face.”

That is really the trick in all this; isn’t it?
Their banking on our denying their truth…
The truth of what and who they are.

They use the virtues of others as weapons against them.
They make you wonder if you have lost your mind.

They suck you down this black hole to the point that
you just can’t take one more moment of the insanity
and then they walk away laughing.

But you know what?
The REAL JOKE is on them.
Especially when they realize the game is over.
O-V-E-R. Period. Not so funny anymore; hm?

“IT” never thought I would walk and stay gone…
I always bought into the pity party before…

NOTICE TO “IT”: It’s not happening anymore.
It’s finished. Stay gone. Forever.

THINK ABOUT THAT.

EB: YES: Distance=peace.

ErinBrock

““IT” never thought I would walk and stay gone”
I always bought into the pity party before””

So true~
Yes….For years and years and years……..and then….when I had enough and was cornered with the biggest decision of my life…..(defend him OR go against my children) There just wasn’t any other choice. All his lies and manipulations and abuse jumped out at me like a freight train exploding. I never questioned what my kids exposed to me about him.
Not for a moment!
He was doing it to my kids……
I choose my kids!
He HAD to go…..and go forever!

strongawoman

Hi sociopathssuck,

I completely agree with EB an Moondancer. If people haven’t listened so far then let sleeping dogs lie.
“he keeps conning people and he keeps getting away with it”I don’t understand it, especially when I’ve warned them”LOL.”

I feel sorry for anyone who crosses the spaths path. He used to refer to them as “my next victim” and laugh hysterically. Near the end I quoted him and he went off his rocker, foaming at the mouth in anger and rage. Oh no he did not like me recognising what he was. And I think he was scared I would expose him/ unmask him? Don’t know but have left it well alone. He is a nasty man.

Stay safe with your children.

strongawoman

Dupey,

““IT” never thought I would walk and stay gone”
I always bought into the pity party before—

Hell yeh sister!! Stay strong and safe dear Dupey

Truthspeak

IMarriedIt, the “lifestyles” and preferences of spaths are pretty much interchangeable. They are interested in whatever meets their needs, whether it’s bisexual activities, or being involved in “altruistic” endeavors in a religious community. EVERYTHING that they present is an illusion.

As you move further down your individual Healing Path, the focus will shift away from what he is, what he’s done, and what he’s doing onto yourself – that is the most amazing aspect of recovery to me. How it went from his forgeries and double-life to MY strengths and vulnerabilities was the weirdest and most fasciniating transition in all of this.

One day at a time. 🙂

Brightest blessings

Truthspeak

SociopathsSuck, congratulations on your custody matter!

With regard to “outing” the spath, it may be helpful to consider the motives behind this idea that we have ALL entertained. In my situation, the exspath had lived a very deviant sexual double-life before we even met, and he was able to coerce me out of AND generate forgeries that resulted in liquidating about 300K – none of which I will ever recover. Should I alert the world that he’s a predator, an absolute lying manipulator, and a that they should be wary of him? Perhaps.

For me, I am grateful to be alive, this morning. Getting even with the exspath, making him pay for helping himself to MY finances, and outing him for what he truly is requires a tremendous amount of energy, focus, and activity. What good would it do for me to expend all of that energy, focus, and activity to simply “out” the exspath? Well, some people may believe the facts, while MOST people are going to see the mild-mannered, beleagered, and “abused” persona that he’s currently presenting. To the majority of people, I will end up looking like the UNSTABLE NUTBAG that he has claimed me to be, all along.

I am a firm believer that what goes around will come back around. No, I may not be aware of what happens to him and it’s really none of my business, now that my divorce is final. MY business is with me – myself – my recovery. Whatever happens to the exspath, it will be a result of his OWN DOING, and not any action that I take to make him pay for what he’s done. I’d rather live with this option and focus my energy upon my recovery than waste it on a subhuman illusionist. Just my 2 cents.

Brightest blessings

LoveSucks

Well, another day another drama. We are supposed to have therapy this morning but he (SP) ran to his sister’s house and refused to go. He is hiding out like a jerk. He stayed up all nght drinking, He was still drinking at 6 am his morning. I wanted those doctors to see him like this. I want them to keep him. I caught him reading my journal. I had it in my purse. I keep it close to me because he has gone through my private jpurnals before. I had to take them out of the house and hide them. Now, I have to call the therapist and cancel again. I always tell her the truth but he lies to her. I am so tired of this. He tried to get me to give him $20 but I refused. He said it wa for his sister but I knew that was a lie. That is when he left and didnt come back.

MoonDancer

Truthspeak,
I like your your two cents. Once we realize we are dealing with a disordered person, and learn the patterns that emerge from the common defense mechanisms they use, we have the tool’s we need to distance ourselves from their distortions and build our own understanding of the situation – one based on reality and not on distortion. I think trying to out a sociopath is dangerous, and asking for more drama. Unless someone has personally been involved with one of these creature’s they wont get what your tryng to tell them..and yes we end up looking like the nutzy one.

newlife43

@Radar On: You said: “PLEASE don’t be to hard on yourself, that will continue his carnage! We do know how you feel!”

And that is so true! We can continue to beat ourselves up, but it doesn’t change anything, except to continue his carnage in our minds. I work on that every day.

To Love Sucks: In a healthy relationship, sometimes, yes it does suck to be in love. In a spath relationship, there is no love (on his part), so you are losing absolutely nothing by getting rid of him! AND, if YOU do it, you will have the satisfaction that you made the choice and not him…unlike so many others here who were blindsided (like me, for instance) That took a long time to get over and just added to my pain. But, if you make the decision, you will have gained that much more power over your life.

You have to understand the rules of war in a spath relationship. There is no Geneva Convention or boxing ring rules for them. They fight dirty, because they have no conscience and they can. They are sneaky and underhanded, secretive and nasty. And like a snake or a little child, they will bite you badly. With spaths, there isn’t even honor among thieves! They are just bad, bad people. No matter what persona he is portraying, it is all a lie. If he says anything, he is lying. Whether it is something nice or something moral…whatever…he is lying. Period.

That one thought, every time you look at him, needs to stay prevalent in your mind. He is just one big lie. And even though that is mind-boggling, it is the truth. You have to hold on to that one truth.

I wish you so much luck in getting away from him. I hope it is your choice, because that helps down the road, but even if he figures out what you are doing and leaves on his own, because you’re not falling for his lies anymore, that’s ok too. Just get rid of him. Don’t try to be right, try to be free. Try to be happy. You won’t regret it. He will not change for you or for anyone else he hooks up with, because he can’t ever change. He can only hide it for a little while and then his insanity will slip out again.

Best of luck.

Lovesucks – therapy with a sociopath is useless. Don’t waste your time and money.

LoveSucks

Is that why he doesnt seem interested? He cancels whenever he gets ready. Why did he even agree to go? I thought that by getting help with his PTSD, things would get better but I discovered that it is deeper than that…much deeper.

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