Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
thank you all. I am reading everything and it does help. It helps me not feel so alone. Im just so tired of everything. I just dont understand how it all happened. I had such high standards. I was so independent. Now, I cant find that person. His actions keep stripping me of who I was and I keep fighting, trying to protect myself, trying to get him away from me but…I dont know . I got to get rid of him and I have to get away to rest. No one in my life understands what all I have had to endure. They dont understand that I am a person not a robot. I have feelings. I am human …I bleed. They just dont care. They say they do and then in the next breath need something from me. I have nothing more to give anyone.
LoveSucks,
” I had such high standards. I was so independent. Now, I cant find that person.”
I know what you mean. I saw it happening to myself as well with the spath. And I was so strong before that, so independent.
Please, do not let a spath make you devalue yourself. They don’t pick losers to exploit and parasite on. They take those whom they can suck as much life out of as they can. There are many personalities in the victims, some who were trained into it by an abusive past, some who were never. But this I find in common within them all: they all have an amazing resilience to survive the worst if need be… perhaps it is this what keeps them trying to survive with their worst enemy so close. While that strength within us may have been what lured the spath to us, what made them all the more eager to destroy it, what made us stay with them for too long than they were ever worth it… that same strength is also what makes us some of the toughest nuts to crack. This strength you have, even if you do not feel it right now, is still there. It’s just tired out. It does need to rest, but it CAN COME BACK, changed, altered, different, stronger even than it ever was before, and you will leave him in the dust by ANY COMPARISON when it does. But in order to rest, you must break all ties with him, leave him and go no contact. You owe him NOTHING, NADA, ZILCH, or anybody else connected to him.
Take this knowledge of who you were and who you seem to be losing as a starting point to value yourself again, and value him for what he is: a worthless being in a human shell.
He is on a path of destruction long before you met him, and he will stay on it until he wrecks himself. He knows he is, which is why he’s creating all that havoc to drag people down with him into that destruction. It’s NOT YOUR FAULT! You’re not to blame for who he is, for what he does or doesn’t do. It doesn’t even have anything to do with you! I know this sounds strange, because it is hurting you so much. But it really isn’t personal. Because he does it to EVERYBODY. You’re collateral damage to him, no more. You’re like the coincidental bystander who got run over by a maniac. It’s got nothing to do with you, and everything with him.
He is not worthy of you! Not by a long shot! Give whatever love you have left right now and GIVE IT TO YOURSELF.
(((hugs)))
On Oct. 13, 2012…the pisa shit and i had it out. He blew his gas at me, went to get a truck and pukled half of his stuff out of my house. I checked the phone records the next day. Guess what? He went to his elderly father’s house to stay. About 20 mins. after he was there, he was txting this crusty broad that lives across the street from me!!! A total of 18 txt’s! Just grrrrrrrrrrr! Just WTF!!! How dare he!!! Ohhhh boy, it was SNAP time for me! That just topped it all off for me! Pisa shit, bottom feeder! LoveS, know what i did? I flipped his script…to my advantage. Three months went by, while he plsyed his little damage-control games, and i waited. Waited until the bank acct got enough in it, income tax $$ got deposited…and one day last week, went to the bank, and yanked $5,000 out. F**K HIM! A small compensation for the 3 years of my life i wasted on that pisa shit! He wants it back? He can spend more of his $$$ to take me to court! Yeah, im taking myself back! You can do the same, LoveS!!! BigHugs to you!
bluemosaic,
One of the first things I symbolically did to the illusion of who the spath pretended to be to me was to shove him of an arctic shelf and let him freeze to death.
I have no murderous intentions at all or even wishes. Though I wouldn’t shed a tear about him if he were to OD on coke some day, or crack for that matter. And I do think the world would be better off if he happens to die from whatever shit he pulls, from a cold rational pov. But what I’m trying to say is that shoving him off a shelf in my mind into a mental arctic frozen place was something entirely different and symbolical.
I did it after I read the quote of what Inuits supposedly do with a spath in their midst: the shove him off a shelf and let him drown in the icy water when nobody is watching. The image was so provocatively empowering to me, that I did it to his mask that still tried to tug at me. And that’s where it has remained ever since – like a frozen Laura Palmer under a sheat of ice, that no global warming will ever thaw.
LoveSucks:
You are in the first stages of healing believe it. When all the emotions are done hitting you all at once we begin to deal with it.Get your self a mental health worker as soon as possible it really helps to talk to someone about your problems. I fought seeing a counselor, but thanks to a god friend he talked me into going. Yoga also helps and acupuncture. helped me the most I think. You have to never blame yourself for what he did.You were used and abused please forgive your self because you did nothing wrong.This may sound crazy because when I was asked to do this I thought my doctor was crazy but it works wonders. Send blessings everyday to you ex husband.Just say lord bless this man so he can not cause any more harm. Then reach over and undo a button, that is bonding you. Do this everyday until you are whole again and back to who you were before he sucked you in. I promise this does work.
Is it Louise that wrote the story: Why why did I say yes? This Story is so much like the spath my daughter has. If it wasn’t for a very few different circumstances I would have swore you were her. I hope and pray and send blessings every day to both of them and it has really helped me.The only difference in your story was the brother and the fact that you did not do the same thing to your family as he done to his.He has made my daughter disown her family.She has seen all the above signs and is still there. Maybe because it has only been 4 years instead of 10. It could also be she is a different person than you. I will never understand unless people start to communicate with me.But I have undone all the buttons except for one. I can still feel it drag me down now and again, and that is the hope button this will change one day. I know if I undo that last button my hope will be gone for my daughter and grandsons. I hang onto that hope because I believe there is still a shred of decency in my daughter. I know I will hear from oxy over that and I know you are probably right oxy.I will not know for sure until her relationship ends if there is still a shred of decency left. As for her S path mate he has not one shred of decency in his body he is like your husband one big fake with evil eyes. Send him blessing and move on let Karma take care of him.
Lovesucks, I also hope you change your name soon ~!
They take everything they can from us, even our identity. I was non functional for months and months.. Slowly you will find yourself again. If it can happen for me it can happen for anyone. And there is nothing wrong with having a good snot slobberin cry, it does release alot of toxic emotions.
I concur, MoonDancer! Turn that sucks into a song! A melodious sonnet of recovery and victory! You can do it, Loves***s! 🙂 🙂 🙂
”HisLoveSucks” ????? LS YOU did love him, and you are mourning that..it’s ok..you are feeling a great loss right now.
Soon you will see this is the best loss that ever happened to you.
Darwinsmom, you made such a good point about not letting a spath DEVALUE yourself! I never realized that, during the hellish months last year after i began to find things out. That is exactly what i did for a long time. Now? Oh, it makes me so angry that i dis that for so long! But it’s all good now! If it were not for LF, and all the wonderful people here, and their insight, hard telling what an emotional wreckage i would be! Best wishes!
Love Sucks. Did you read MoonDancer?
Non functional for months? Me, too baby. Only I was non functional for a couple of years. Seriously, if I hadn’t some savings, I’d have been homeless b/c I wasn’t even functional about eating/bathing/sleeping.
I felt so ashamed about being non functional too. Like I was a weak person, something not right about me b/c I was unable to get over what was done to me.
About that time period? I say I lost myself.
And the only way I recovered was to figure out what he had done to me.
AND then, I had to treat my body as separate from me, as a biological entity. I learned to force my brain to go on mini vacations, even one of two minutes of not thinking. The first break came when I discovered Sudoku.
There is a path to recovery. It is a self directed path b/c it depends on what you need in order to recover. But there are books. The library was a wonderful resource for me b/c I am poor and can’t afford to buy books unless I know they are worth it, and I can’t tell if they are worth it until after I read them. One I bought? Lundy Bancrofts, “Why does he do that, Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”.
I am at the other end of the tunnel now. The birds are singing here and they are SO HAPPY. The sun is lovely. The grass is lush. The flowers are beautiful. And I remember ME, the ME that was sharp and concise and focused and silly and curious and contented.
Get a therapist asap. Make sure the therapist is compassionate b/c many of them train to NOT be. My therapist was a wonderful life coach as well. She said she was breaking the rules but did it anyway the day she told me “RUN. Get away. Never Look back.” She said rarely is abuse one sided but it was so lopsided that she had to push me or I’d have stayed mired in crazy land.
That’s my final note to you. YOU are NOT CRAZY….
BUT…. you are in a CRAZY MAKING situation. After you are free, you will look back and see how crazy making it was, and you will be SO GLAD to be free. I know I am.
Best, Katy