Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
LoveRules (;-)it does! ) that’s good to know, really glad the call gave you a lift. Hang on to what the know was your former confidence. Get that confident girl out of storage and give your violent partner his walking papers. You can do it Love, I read your post in which you say he has choked you. That is a criminal assault Love. Please protect yourself you deserve a safe and peaceful life. You are in my prayers. x
IMarriedIt, I could relate to so many parts of your experience with your spathy ex. I too lived far away from family and slowly allowed spathy to alienate me from friends. He would always tell me to see my friends, but then criticize them and make them uncomfortable at my place. About a month ago I went to his FB page out of curiosity and there was a picture of him on a rollercoaster with his two nephews that I thought was a great snapshot of his sociopathy. The two boys were in the seat ahead of him, exhilirated in appearance, and there sat spathy in the seat behind them, alone, with his typical apathetic and annoyed expression on his face. On a freaking roller coaster! No fear, joy, excitement. Nothing. Sociopathy is ice cold.
Thanks for the encourangement Tea Lights, I started feeling guilty about it but it just felt so good to have contact that was so positive. It just reminded me that there is life after this nightmare.
Lovesucks… all i can say is hang in there. and stay in here for a while untill you understand. im certain you didnt sign up for what was delivered. understanding is the key. and one day you will be able to look back and say”gee that sucked”.
rgc
I am so out of sorts today. One more le to go with all the dozens before. I am trying to stay focused in my goal. Its hard. I havent heard from my friend anymore, I hope I didnt scare them off. Oh well. trying not to get depressed but thats hard too.
Love struck what is your goal? When are you going to implement it? How are you going to implement it. These are the things you have to have in place then Implement your plain. Move on to the next step. We can listen to you and give you advice but only you can change things to make your life a better place.You will not lose your feelings that are coming at your from all directions over night but if you do not start to make steps to make them better they will never go away. We all at love fraud have had to make this choice to better our lives no matter how much it hurt,Or even how much we really didn’t even understand. Your only choice that will help you is to start to move ahead or you will always be depressed if you chose not to.
I just want to say how sorry I am all the pain you endured because of the sociopath. I, too, was charmed beyond all get out by my sociopath. We were together 5 years. Thank God I didn’t marry him. I am still trying to recover from leaving him two years ago. I struggle each day with all the abuse he inflicted on me. I currently am seeing an abuse counselor in hopes that she can reach me. Some days, I feel like I am going to lose my mind. I feel stupid for allowing him to use and abuse me. And to continue to control me even though I moved 2000 miles away. I’m not sure if I will ever recover from this. I am unable to have any kind of relationship because of this man. And there he is, off and happy. Was in a relationship a few weeks after I left, moved in with her, got engaged, and then married her. All in less than two years.
I sympathize with you and am glad you got out. Iwish you a speedy recovery from this man.
I can relate to all of these stories. I met a man approx. 2 years after my husband died. He seemed nice but there was something off. He had an elated sense of self. He talked a lot and told these tales of his travels around the country,etc. My gut told me not to get involved but stupid me…I was lonely and we were having such a good time together. I let him move in after knowing him for about two months. Shortly thereafter things changed. He “lost” his job. He had no money coming in….if i would help him til he got on his feet he would pay me back. I soon found out he was a substance abuser. He told me he was going to stop and with my help he would turn his life around. He had me up all night with his rantings when he was using. I was missing and missing more work. I eventually left my job because i was too embarrassed to go back because i had been out so much. That was the first time in my adult life i didnt have a job. I had money in the bank and owned my home. He started berating me to spend more and more money….until that was gone. Everytime i would order him out he would turn on the charm and love and i would let him stay. He started to accuse me of cheating on him…which i never did. I was a whore,etc,etc. He started to abuse me. To make a long story short i finally called the cops and he went to jail for six months. While in jail he was flooding me with letter and calls about how much he loved me and how he had changed. I believed him, and let him come back. He never did put his hands on me again, because he knew if he did he would go to jail. Two days after he was released he was using again. This went on for six years. I got a good job while he was in jail working in the evening, and i was back on my feet but he was spending money faster than i could make it. Everytime i would kick him out he would call crying…he was walking the street, homeless and it was cold out. I would let him stay the night and he would never leave. I got to the point where i felt so hopeless. I realized everything he had told me was a lie. My son talked me in to moving closer to him which is over an hour from where I was living. I lied and tricked him, and i made my getaway.(The Tables were turned and he didnt like it at all). He was able to find me. I had a restraining order and he was sent to jail for 3 months…but the day he was released he was right back to my house. My son whispered something in his ear.. I really dont know what he said but the sociopathic narcissist left and he hasnt been back. He calls sometimes but i dont answer the phone. He texts me. When he does i ask him for my money and that stops the texts for a while. There is a lot more to this story but you get the drift. After reading stories on Love Fraud i realize i am not alone. I am so happy to be free from him. He really didnt care how much destruction he did. I imagine he has found another woman by now and is doing the same to her. I realize i was the perfect target. A woman whose husband had died unexpectedly, who had a good job, owned a home,and had money. I fell for it all. But never again. If you have that feeling in your gut listen to it.
Oh my IMarriedIt!
You related a story right out of my life! There are so many similarities to what I lived. The only difference is that I didn’t marry him. We lived together tho and he always referred to me as his wife.
I read your story this morning when I woke up and boy did it push my big red panic button! I was feeling panicky and out of sorts all day. The only good thing about all of that is that I’m out of the situation and after reading lovefraud, I realize that I am not insane and everything that was happening to me was real, not a part of my imagination.
I am glad the ex girlfriend was able to help you out. My situation was similar. The ex used to trash talk his ex and had so much venom in his voice whenever he spoke of her. He smeared her and was very convincing when he said that she ruined him. Because he was so convincing, I believed such terrible things about her. We live in a fairly small city in Saskatchewan and everyone knows everyone here. We ran into her one day at a sports event where her kids and his kids were playing. He pointed her out and started acting very weird. I of course was totally ready to take her on. At one point during the event, she made eye contact with me and mouthed the words “call me”. I was very confused, here was this woman who caused the downfall of my ex and she wanted me to call her? I didn’t say anything to him about the incident, but filed it away.
During this time, I had many red flags waving, and like you just ignored them.
A few months later I started finding out about the swinger websites and all of the other websites that he was on where he was looking for couples, men, women, whatever he could find. I started to challenge him on these things,and I think he realized his ride was over.
I contacted his ex girlfriend and the information I found out from her was monumental. It was the stepping stone I needed to flee from the sociopath. I found out later the reason why she told me to call her was because she said she looked at me and saw a woman who was so beaten down, tired and sad that she had to reach out and do something. I believe that she saved my life.
I have learned that when dealing with a sociopath, we have to grab a lifeline when it is presented with us.
I’m so glad you and all of the other readers have made it out. It goes to show that even though the sociopaths see us as weak, we are the stronger of the species.
Love to all you!
Saskgirl
There is a lesson here also ladies and gents….please don’t let anyone move into your home…PLEASE. Once you do that, you can’t get rid of them. I have never let anyone live with me other than when I was married for a short time. I’ve never had a female roomate nor have I ever lived with a man. It just seems to always end up badly somehow…