Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
Cherith,
spaths will use whatever tool is available to prove to you that you MUST RESPOND. It is very difficult, sometimes to resist but we must try. Mine used the POLICE to get me to respond, so be very aware that they have NO LIMITS when they want drama.
You can still influence your child by being a role model. You do this by showing the child that your spath cannot make you respond.
Sandyu,
this sounds so simular. WOW..So simular. The substance abuse, alcohol. drinking all night and calling me all sorts of things. Accusing me of cheating…seems like the same guy. I never filed charges but I should have. He never has any money and wants to spend what little I have.
I am so greatful for this sight. I too feel studpid but as I was told. IT IS NOT MY FAULT. IT ISNT YOUR FAULT EITHER.
I called a therapist today. Hopefully I can get started with her. It will help me during this aweful tme. Have any of you reached out to other people? (friends, church….) I wonder.
I am going to reward myself once I get out of this…I will buy myself something big, when I can. I am going to do something nice for myself
My relationship to all the children has weakened. I have to work very steadily in order to support myself. Meanwhile, he has time on his hands and in the last year, knowing that I’ve moved farther away from him, he’s launched a calling campaign with the children. My oldest daughter told me tonight that dad has been calling a lot lately, asking questions about herself, and sadly expressing a desire to be with me. She says that he’s been calling all the kids and that they completely believe this is coming from the heart and sympathize with him. It seems that they have forgotten all the years of unemployment, verbal and, at times, physical abuse, lies, and financial manipulation. It seems that it’s alright that he uses my son’s credit card to run his business, that he doesn’t pay his landlord, has maxed out his own cards, works sporadically, and has tanked his credit rating. Because as a nurse I’m often scheduled on weekends, he is more often at family dinners at my mother’s house than I am. While I’m absent, he’s abundantly present. And he actively ingratiates himself with my mother and all the family. I know this man. I see through him and his theatrical presentations. But I don’t ever feel that I’ll be free of him. He’s shameless. I wish he had been an unfaithful, beat me, was addicted to porn, conned many people of large sums of money. Then it would have been apparent to everyone that his character is lacking and that I have reason to separate. This weekend, my weekend off, I will have dinner at my mother’s house along with the children and the husband. He’ll be there as he has always been there. He’ll sit at the head of the table. My seat will be at his side. It’s the only time we are together. But as my knowledge of sociopathic personality has increased, I no longer want to give him the credibility of my presence. Friends outside of my family see and understand this. But my own family is blinded. How do I handle this dinner situation? No one wants me to upset the present situation and the image of an intact family.
Appreciate what you’ve written, Kim and Skylar. I just don’t know how to apply your advice. It seems that I’m locked in.
And Kim Frederick, he’s the “mixed bag” which is hell.
Cherith,
I’m sorry that you are being tested in this way. It’s hell to think that a spath has more presence in your family than you do.
It’s the same in my family. The reason is because the entire family is disordered. I wish I didn’t have to know this but it’s the truth. They wear perfect masks, so it’s hard for most people to tell. They seem so Christian. The spath’s trojan horse is a homeland security agent, rising thru the ranks of whatever that is. The exspath is gone, but he has left his seeds.
Your only choice is to forget about the spath and his seeds. Yes, I know, they are your kids too. But God didn’t put you on earth to be responsible for them forever. You ARE responsible for your soul.
The spath is the devil. He wants your soul. Your responsibility is to protect your soul above all else.
I know it sounds esoteric. It’s not. When I say, “your soul” I mean that part of you that you know he tried to rip from you. When I say “the devil” I mean he is a creature that wants to destroy you. He is the embodiment of evil. He’s not anything new. He’s been around for a long long time.
With spaths, its important to know what they want, and then refuse to give it to them.
Cherith,
I’m also sorry you are in this “position” where you have to “play let’s pretend we are a nice normal family” because the whistle blower gets pounded, not the person who has done bad.
I too have a psychopath in my family and my family is small, just my mother and my 3 kids, one of which is a psychopath, but I refuse to “play lets’ pretend we are a nice normal family” and I will not participate in the fantasy.
I know it is difficult. My P son is in prison and I do not have anything to do with him, one of my other sons is just an arse and I have very little to do with him. Fortunately my third son is a wonderful man and so it is just he and I. I have not spoken to my egg donor (mother) in several years because she “supports” my P son who is a murderer.
I know it is hard to give up your “family” but so is PLAYING “LET’S PRETEND WE ARE A NICE NORMAL FAMILY.”
Your children and your mother may or may not support you, but what I would do is to go to the dinner and stand up and say “I will not do this any more, John did X, y and Z and that is why I separated from him, and I do not want to play LET’S PRETEND WE ARE A NICE NORMAL FAMILY, because we are NOT a nice normal family, John is dishonest and I am done pretending that “everything is lovely” and then walk out and go home and let the chips fall where they may.
Your children are going to have to make their own decisiions about their relationship with him, but YOU do not have to “PLAY LET’S PRETEND” ANY LONGER. That is up to YOU. And yes, there will be consequences to your standing up for yourself, but in the end, for me at least, it has been worth it.
In the long run playing “let’s pretend” is going to take it’s toll. Ox Drover is absolutely right. Word for word. I have given up people recently because of reestablishing boundaries and every time I do I feel better because I’m not allowing people to manipulate me and make me feel any way at all. I have to take care of me now. You need to also.