Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
Taking care of me, Yes that is what we have to do. I originally wanted him to get help but now I want him awayl I am ashamed that I allowed this to happen eventhough I know that these folks are preditors. Its not my fault. I keep telling myself that. I dont know what I am going to say when folks find out we are not together, Everyone thinks we re so perfect for each other, They didnt know him …at all.
I just talked to an old friend and was reminded of the strong, confident person I have always been. It was refreshing. I gunuinely smiled, laughed…it felt good to be reminded of that person. I will get back to her somehow. Now, if I can only let go of him without fearing the dark side of him. He can be so evil, abusive…verbally. If he touch me physically at leat there are some scares but mentally…its my word against his. I will survive…I will be me again.
Cherith,
I’m horrifie by this family dinner charade you are expected to engage in. It’s not just horrific… I don’t agree with families of separated people trying to be friends with the ex-partner. I know it’s the hardest thing to do for the extended family to separate themselves of someone who they took in as a son or daughter or brother, etc over the years… But when everything is over, it’s over. It doesn’t even matter whether the separation was cordial simply because two people didn’t match or because one of them was in heinous error, and a spath.
My first relationship lasted 5.5 years. We were young, both students. We should have separated after two years. We knew each other well enough then to know that we had little common ground at all except for the history we had shared. We had been each other’s habbit and so we stayed together for 3.5 more years. And eventually he had the courage to break it off. He didn’t do it in a nice way, and the staying together was actually damaging, because in order to remain together one of us had to “change” in ways we couldn’t. I was the one who ended up trying to change my identity for the relationship, ended up in crisis and therapy in the last half year over it. Anyways, while we did not live together, we saw each other daily, either him sleeping at my place with my parents or me sleeping at his family’s home. His family, his cousins, his grandmother they had indeed become a daily part of my life and it was a rough idea for me to imagine never seeing them anymore. And I think it was sudden for them as well. I called his parents once after, shortly after, but that is all I ever did. They were certainly friendly, but did not speak of it, nor did I. I did not expect them to choose me over him and maintain a relationship with me. And they did not try to maintain one either. And that’s how it should be.
It is the same for me with the spath’s family. I know they respected me, some even revered me. They’re good people, not liking him, except for his one cousin who clings with every hope that he can change and be saved. I have ceased all contact with them. I do not fear them. I do not believe any of them except for that cousin would spy on me for him. But it’s just not right to keep any type of relation with them.
And I think you have every RIGHT to expect your parents to cease contact with the spath, for the simple reason that he is an EX. It shouldn’t even matter to them what he did or didn’t do. They are YOUR parents and they should HELP YOU to move on, and the least they can do with that is cease contact with him. And if they find their emotional tie to him more important than your life and healing, then I think you have every right to tell them at the very least that you will not participate in get-to-gethers that include him.
oh my
Well spoken, Darwin’smom, I totally agree with you on that score.
Sometimes, and I say SOME TIMES, if there are young children and there has not been a lot of ill feelings or abuse, it MIGHT be possible to actually have a get together over a holiday and EVERYONE enjoy it, but if ANY ONE doesn’t enjoy it, then it should not take place even if there ARE young children.
If there has been abuse then there should not be any contact. But each of us has the RIGHT to associate with whom WE WANT to associate with, not who someone else thinks we should associate with. And our OWN REASONS ARE ENOUGH.
I wish I could sleep but I am wide awake. No drama tonight which is good but why cant I sleep. I guess I am anxious for what tomorrow has to offer. I wish I could sleep.
I can hear the “why didn’t I see the signs” screaming from the rooftops….fact is? you could not read the signs of a sociopath, even if you wanted to…because you were young, hopeful, naive, foolish, wanting to give the benefit of the doubt…there’s NOTHING wrong with this! it’s the way young people are! how many marriages have been made in heaven the same way…the fact that some of us ended up with sociopaths is either pot luck or law of attraction….either way, there is much to learn the hardest of ways….bet you listen to your red flags today? me too. I live life my way, and I’m so glad you have your TWO CATS still!!! the more I find out about men..the more I love my cats…wish you every happiness now you are out the other side..a survivor in every way.
Bulletproof,
I love your call name LOL…I am going to be spath proof when I heal…then I will change mine to Brightbluemosaic.
Peace,
Blue
((((((((((BP))))))))))) Hi. Where ya been? Long time, no read. So very good to hear a peep. How are you?
Sklyar, you said that it’s important to know what spaths want and then refuse to give it to them. I know what he doesn’t want. He doesn’t want an actual marriage. He doesn’t really want to live with me and financially contribute to a joint household. He doesn’t want to “parent” his children by protecting them from harm or setting limits. He is unconcerned about ways to lessen my workload or about my emotional well-being. He doesn’t want to be a husband or a father. But he IS concerned about his image as husband and father. He loves this family gathering where he sits as the patriarch of a large family. These gatherings tend to go smoothly. Nothing is expected of him except to attend and maybe throw in $20. Everything is comfortable and happy so long as I’m able to suppress the injustice that has happened through the marriage. And this is what I’ve done for the past seven years. Zack, the 16 year old, often says how important these dinners are to him. It’s painful for me to interrupt this experience of “family” for him. As I’ve said, half the time I’m not at the dinner because of my work schedule. My mother is the supreme peacemaker who hates confrontation. She understands Steve’s mask but she is regularly drawn in by his persona of sweetness. She is willing to set my interests aside. (This was true in childhood as well, because of course I had an abusive father to set this stage.)
I know I’m beating a dead horse in saying this, but it’s very painful—like amputation without anesthesia—to end this “family” dinner. I’m afraid that if I say that the father is not invited, I’ll be shunned by my children and mother. It’s tempting to try to compromise: dad comes when I’m at work, he doesn’t come when I’m able to attend. But continuing to open this door is indeed making a pact with the devil.
To everyone who has responded to my post, I understand the advice and feedback. I hope that I can act upon it.