Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
cherith,
This is pure boundary stuff.
First of all, though your son finds it important to see the lie for an evening, it only teaches him that facades are good. It does not teach him to face reality: that people who ended their relationshit will not be together again. It feeds him hope where there is no soil for it. It teaches him to expect that future gfs will maintain friendship with him, when they most likely won’t. I understand it’s like an amputation without anesthesia… but if the limb doesn’t get amputated it will fester the rest of the body with colfdire. The harsh direct pain is also the healthiest one for the whole ‘body’ (in this case the “family”). Maintaining fantasies and aircastles is not.
I understand you’ve been taught to sacrifice yourself for the needs, dreams, wishes and fancies of other people since youth by your enabling mother and your abusive father. And this self sacrificing is done with the implication that love will be withheld if you don’t do what people fancy. People who wish to sacrifice yourself for this do not love you the right way. Yes, they probably will try to pressure you, intimidate you, be angry, judge you for it. But if they actually do love you, they will in time come to respect you for it and actually may give you healthy love.
I experience this daily with teens of the age of your son in class. Of course they protest my strictness and try to message me they don’t like me for it. But then they grow up and end up performing and learning, which is what I’m supposed to do. I’m not supposed to be liked, I’m supposed to keep order, organize an atmosphere of learning and help them discover their talents and broaden their minds… often against their own will, and even against my own preference. I don’t like to be tough and strict and do not always like enforcing a boundary. But I hate the mess more that follows if I don’t.
Do not expect people to come to respect you nor your boundaries if you do not set them nor enforce them.
Cherith,
Your post just made one of my WTF? moments come into crystal clarity. Thank you.
You said, that your ex-spath just wants the facade of a family without the responsibility.
It made me remember what my spath said to me, after my mother told him to go fuck himself and never come back. He said, “I can’t believe your mother would treat me that way. I always thought of your parents as my family. My parents, would always consider you their daughter, even if we are broken up. They would never treat you that way.”
Well, I don’t know if you know that my exspath was poisoning me, was intent on killing me, sent a trojan horse to marry my spath sister and he’s a serial killer, pedophile, and rapist. ….still he wanted my parents to treat him like family. I guess, at the time, he had no idea that they knew.
The point, of course, was to always have a way to torture me. He told my mother that I was a drug addict and suicidal. He wanted to recruit them into attacking me. But you’ve pointed out another angle: he wanted a fake family to play out his act to. More minions.
Furthermore, it amuses them that they can behave badly and people are too nice to shun them.
Spaths should be shunned. And their act should be shunned. It’s the only thing that bothers them. They are adamant that they should get ATTENTION!!
I would advise you to explain all this to your family but I’m sure you already have and it has fallen on deaf ears. Enablers tend to remain enablers until they hit bottom.
All we can do is take care of ourselves.
Have any of you read Dr Phils new book “Life Code”…He decribes SP’s completely but calls them “baiters”.
Yeh masterbaiters
strongawoman:
Good one! 🙂
I am learning alot about people from that book. I have begun identifying the Baiters that are around me. The next step is learnng how to deal with them or avoid them. The SP/Baiter that is in my life, I am still trying to untangle myself from him. I told him tonight that he is to never disrespect me again and he is to get his stuff and get out. I told him that I didnt want to be with him anymore. He called back 15 minutes later as if nothing had happened. I told him I didnt want to talk to him and he hung up on me. This is not going to be easy but I am finally strong enough to start the process. I am getting strong … I have a long way to go.
Lovesucks,
as much as I commend you for putting your foot down, I’m not sure it was wise.
With spaths, you have to act, not speak. Words only give them warning about what you are thinking and tell them how to sabotage your plans.
The only way out from a spath is to RUN when he least expects it.
It’s exactly like taking a spath to a psychologist. They take that as an opportunity to learn more about being normal. Never expect a spath to do what is normal, but always expect him to try and fake it.
Wow Skylar,
That is brilliant insight. I was told by my spath that he had counseling to help him learn how to be faithful, since he had never been in any relationship in his life. He did it as attempt to keep the ex-wife before me. She was good supply in many ways…he lost her …rest is history. In less that 3 yrs…he has gone through three of us. I am sure he used those sessions for what I think of now as data gathering. The really smart ones are the most dangerous.
Lovesuks…WAY TO GO !!! big hugs to you…hold your ground. DIG deep, find the inner dragon in you that wants your soul-heart-mind-body and your life back. I applaud you …I don’t know how to do it right, b/c I didn’t…so I am sure Skylar has it correct, mine was so damn crafty, I really regret letting him know that I knew how F’ing deranged he is. I fear him mostly now b/c he knows “I know.” He even warned me about how dangerous he is in some “tell” conversations near the end. I did not get it yet. I have had to let close people in my life know that if I ever dissappear or end up with a bullet to head by sharpshooter, they can start by looking into him as suspect. Shut it down safe…I did not and it was a mistake.
Peace to you all,
Blue
LoveRocks my understanding from reading your posts over the past days is that you aren’t running anywhere, you cohabit and you have now told your violent partner that you have ended the relationship and he must move out, which is perfectly reasonable and your choice ; he has family nearby (the sister?) He can go there, or wherever. I am so glad to read of you have taken these courageous self-protecting steps LS, you sounded so down last week. You’ve been in my prayers. Looks like you brought the confident girl you remembered after speaking to your friend back to life. Be prepared for resistance and possible harassment LS from the abuser, consider having the police present when he comes to collect his belongings and change the locks. Consider a dog if you don’t have one and report his choking of you so the police will know he is a danger to you. You are very brave and I wish you much peace and happiness in your new future. Let us know how you are doing. God bless you LS x
LoveRocks, you’ve had some exceptional responses.
Think about this question with deep concentration before you respond. And, the question isn’t meant to come off harsh, but intended for you to examine the facts that you know in comparison to what you might be “feeling.” Why would you believe that setting boundaries to the spath who has clearly violated every moral, value, and ethic against you would agree to willingly abide by ANY “rule” that you have set forth?
Whenever we set out rules and boundaries for toxic, violent, and disordered people, it’s like approaching a wolf with a T-bone steak and telling the wolf that they are allowed to SMELL it, but that they can’t HAVE it. It’s just not going to happen.
Any time we verbalize what we will and will not tolerate, accept, or approve of, we are SETTING UP OUR OWN DEMISE!!!! We are waving a red flag at a raging bull – an abuser will use the information of “boundaries” to circumvent them and invent new and VERY creative ways to violate our boundaries and us, specifically. Sadly, this is an unfortunate “fact” about violent predators and not just an arbitrary opinion or “feeling.” And, I learned this fact through bitter personal experience, as well as domestic violence education.
Absolutely, change your locks, file a complaint of assault, and put his belongings OUT on the curb in neatly packed boxes. DO NOT ALLOW THIS MAN INTO YOUR DWELLING!!!!
“But, Truthspeak, I’m kicking him out. Why would I file a criminal complaint? I don’t want to cause any trouble for anyone….”
Once again, think about this: you have set forth verbal boundaries to a person who has consistently and deliberately violated every moral and ethic against you. It’s NEVER “over” with these types of violent predators, LoveRocks, until we stop talking to them and let the Law be our voice.
NO CONTACT means………..pick his stuff up from the curb, new locks, no text messages, blocked numbers and online profiles (especially, FaceBook), blocked mutual “friends” from cell phones and online profiles, and FILING a criminal complaint.
Breakups are the most dangerous time in ANY abusive relationship. The abusers are going to lose their property, and the will go to any lengths (oh, and I mean ANY lengths) to inflict the most damage against their property that they can, including destroying that property, forever.
***Please, note that the use of CAPS are meant for emphasis, and not to be interpreted as “online yelling,” under any circumstances.***
LoveRocks, set aside your fears and your “feelings” about this matter and approach it with absolute facts and a very icy countenance. This man never “loved” you and he will not stop trying to harm you just because you triple-dog-dared him NOT to.
My most sincere blessings of encouragement