Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
IMarriedIt
So sorry I haven’t replied sooner. I am coming up to the anniversary of leaving my relationshit and sometimes things become very overwhelming. When this happens, I just hunker down and wait for the storm to pass.
To answer your question, when I talked to the ex’s gf, she said that he wasn’t trolling the dating sites, but would often put up ads on kijiji looking for female tennis partners. When she confronted him on it, he smoothly explained to her that since he was raised by his mother and grandmother, he felt so much more comfortable around women. I later found out that he was posting ads on both craigslist and kijiji. I’m really naive and didn’t know that the friendship section of kijiji is a fishing ground for swingers.
He was on all kinds of porn sites constantly and when he thought no one was home, he would watch the videos he made of himself and his previous girlfriends. He always hid them, but I have a very inquisitive mind.
When I first confronted him about being on the swinger sites (adult friend finder specifically), he said he was on there well before he met me and he made some great “friends” on there. He also told me that I didn’t have the right to tell him where he could and could not find friends. After some brutal fights, he told me that he “shut off” his profile and no one could access it. I told him it wasn’t good enough and he had to delete his profile. It was an ugly few months. Since things were really rough with us, he decided to `make things“ right and sacrifice his friends because it wasn`t that important to him. Even tho he said those words, I was finally at the point were I didn`t trust him. After more fights he make a big show of deleting his profile in front of me. What he didn`t know was that I had gained access to his computer and just looked at his history. Even tho he deleted his profile, he had already made another one. My heart tore out that day and I packed up my daughter and my stuff and left less than 2 weeks later.
I have since found out that he was on all kinds of swinger websites and is very active in the community. He lied non stop to me about it. Cheating and lying are 2 very big things with me and he did both very easily. When I confronted him about his computer`s history, he told me that someone must have used his computer because he hadn`t been on any websites in a long time. He lied to the bitter end. The worst part is the fact that once it was proven that he was lying, he just got a little grin on his face and shrugged his shoulders. The same reaction when I told him I was leaving. I could have told him that he had his fly down and I`m sure I would have had the same reaction.
After I left, he told anyone and everyone that I was crazy and that I knew from day one that he was into swinging. It was only when he exercised his right that I got crazy jealous.
Every day I try to think of him less and less. The less I think of him, the less power he has over me.
I am very critical with myself and wonder why I didn`t see the red flags, but as I was reading earlier, there was no way I could have.
To all of the people who have gathered the courage to leave, you are wonderful, beautiful, strong people. The sociopath tried to destroy us, but we are still standing and have support networks like lovefraud to prove that we are the strong ones.
Skylar,” You are so right. He was supposed to move out but he didnt. He went to sleep woke up late things were perfect, nothing wrong. It has thrown me off because it makes no sense, I am at a lost now. My plan is still the same but I must do things differenltly.
Saskgirl, my story is similar to yours. Mine was on Adult Friend Finder and he lied constantly about it. Said somebody must have logged in as him. He was on POF and lied about that to. It wasn’t him. It was never him. I was with him for 3 years, 3 years of a roller coaster of emotions from day one. From panic, to anxiety to relief. Over and over again. I am 2 months out of it, 2 weeks NC, even though he tried Sat night, I ignored him. One of my biggest fears is that he took videos of us that I don’t know about. I can only pray that he didn’t.
LoveRocks, I’m sorry to read that you’re still entangled. I solved my issue of ending it with the exspath by attacking him in a violent rage! LMAO!!! I do NOT recommend this approach as it resulted in me being arrested for domestic violence, facing criminal AND civil charges that cost me a mountain to get out of.
I would strongly, strongly urge that you “do something” to get him out without ending up being arrested like I was. There comes a point when a human being can literally be pushed beyond the point of reason. I’m living proof that even the most non-violent individual has a breaking point. You do NOT want to end up like I did.
If it were me, I would contact the police and have him removed from the dwelling. At that time, he would be able to pack up his own stuff while the police were there, and they would see that nothing was taken of mine. I would install new locks before this time so that the idiot wouldn’t have any means to enter. In most States, if a person tells another person to leave, they have to oblige EVEN if they’re married.
I sure hope you sort this out, soon, Love. The longer he’s there the more he’s going to push the verbal boundaries that you laid out for him. It’s not going to get any better, even if there’s a lull in the abuse. It’s just the endless cycle going around and around.
Brightest blessings to you
Love,
much depends on the details of the situation.
Do you own or rent? Who pays the rent or mortgage? Do you have somewhere else to go?
It is easier and safer if you are the one who packs up and leaves. With no forwarding address.
The police can’t “evict” him without a reason and even a tenant must get a 30 day notice, in my state.
You should talk to an attorney about getting started on the divorce.
Sky, you are right, an attorney can file and serve him to leave even out of a marital home usually, and then the divorce lawyers fiight over property and who gets what.
StrongWoman….that’s exactly what I said!! I was joking with my friend about buying and sending the book to Spath and addressing it to Master Baiter!! OMG!! That is some funny!!
Skylar,
This is too much…you are so funny though!!
You said….”Well, I don’t know if you know that my exspath was poisoning me, was intent on killing me, sent a trojan horse to marry my spath sister and he’s a serial killer, pedophile, and rapist. ”.still he wanted my parents to treat him like family. I guess, at the time, he had no idea that they knew.”
Spath did this thing like what you are talking about…..like somehow they think we are operating under the same set of rules they are? It’s like they think…..oh, I’m not sure how to say this!! They think that in spite of there Spath crap, they should still be treated like a non Spath? Does that make sense?
I can’t even begin to go into details about this. Tooooo complicated to put into words.
dorothy, we call em wankers in the UK……it’s a kind of lower than low masterbaiter. Interestingly, the spath HATED being called a wanker……ooh, he used to rage!!
Wonder why???
😆
strongawoman:
Hahahaha 🙂