Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
Saskgirl & Imarriied it, he used to tell me that I was crazy and he was not using those sites and it was somebody else logging in as him. Why would he need them? I gave him all the sex when and how he wanted. He even said that. Told me he only needed me. I never believed that he was not on those sites but was hoping he would change. I believed all of the I love yous, I want to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you. I started therapy again yesterday. Gonna take a while to feel better. I guess I am just trying to understand why anybody would want to live their life that way.
Yes, I am glad I am away from that situation. He never physically harmed me, his abuse was all emotional. I was never really afraid of him until one day he flew into what I saw was a “controlled rage”. His boys used to disrespect me constantly and finally I had enough of them. The sp expected me to traipse his boy around to football practice all the time. One day I was in the bathroom putting up a backsplash. His son walked into the bathroom and physically pushed me out of the way. I flipped out and refused to take him to football. My position being that I wasn’t a taxi and if he wasn’t going to attempt to be human to me, I wasn’t going to reward him. The sp flew into a rage and told me I was lying about his son because that’s what his son said. I held my ground that day and that made him even madder. He went into his son’s room and started screaming at him. My daughter later told me that he pulled his son down off the bed by the hair and was kicking him. When he was done raging at his boy, all the kids fled and he came to talk to me. There was something in his eyes that terrified me and he went to touch me and I flinched. He got pissed off again and took off for hours in my car. He refused to answer his phone and when I asked him where he went, he said to the movies. I asked where the movie stub was and he said he threw it away (he always kept that..I found stubs he kept that were years old). I have no doubt that he was with another woman and he was punishing me. After it was all said and done, it was like nothing happened and he didn’t understand why I was upset. In my head all I could think was this “let me get this straight, you just freaked out on your kid, screamed rage at me, then took off for hours without letting me know where you are going and you don’t understand why I’m upset” The insanity of the whole thing blew me away.
After I left and started talking to his exgf, I found out that he used to be very physical with her and while I was snooping around in his stuff, I found a bunch of letters written to him by his wife where she constantly cites abuse. His exgf is still terrified of him and when we first met, it was done very covertly and at a coffee shop very far away from her home.
It is interesting to note about the murder case. I mentioned that he said his lawyer said to talk to no one. He took that advice and refuses to talk about it. He doesn’t talk of his wife to the kids and although his daughter has pictures of her mom up, the rest have been burned or hidden. The only person who has worked tirelessly to keep his wife’s name in the paper is her mother. She holds vigils and goes to Ottawa many times with pictures of her daughter and stands on the steps of Parliment. She had a vigil in our city and he didn’t go and wouldn’t let his children go. A really weird reaction I think. Originally I thought it was because he had so much grief about her death, but now that I know what he is all about, I know that its because he doesn’t care.
mich0101, it will take a long time to feel better. If there is one thing you learn from this website please let it be the following:
HE NEVER LOVED YOU, HE NEVER WANTED TO MARRY YOU AND HE NEVER WANTED TO SPEND THE REST OF HIS LIFE WITH YOU (only until he used you up, then he planned on throwing you away)
You can beat yourself up for an eternity and wonder why wasn’t I good enough? You were, he just wasn’t. You will drive yourself mental doing an inventory on yourself. IT WAS ALL HIM, NOT YOU!
I say these things to you because I went through it all and I’m sure everyone else did on this site. It will be a long road to heal. Take the time to do it, allow yourself to cry, rage and learn to love yourself.
Emotional abuse is the worst because no one can see your scars. I have been abused emotionally. I hate it when he pretends like everything is wonderful, like there are no problems trying to gain your trust again then goes off into a tyrade.
I know I have to be more careful in getting rid of him. He is a pro at this but in the end I will get rid of him.
Sasksgirl, I have learned a lot from this site and it is a sad reality of what I wasted 3 years on. What I want to understand is why he continued to try to get me back daily for 2 months after I walked away for the last time? I have not seen him in 2 months, NC for 2 weeks until he texted me Sat night. I ignored him, which left me feeling very empowered. That feeling is slowly dwindling. I just want to understand why. Why not just let me go? I broke up with him over and over and he reeled me back in every time. Not this time. I will never talk to him again.
mich,
if you want peace from the spath then you need to embrace NC completely. Change your number or block his number if you can. You did well to ignore him…..good girl. Spaths hate to be ignored. It negates their existence.
He only wants you because he’s not in the drivers seat. In my exp. the less interested I grew, the more he wanted me. Bizarre I know but this is the nature of the spath…….everything is 180 degrees opposite.
Try to stay strong lovey. Come here and post when you’re feeling vulnerable. It is easy to get sucked back in and you are in the early days yet so be kind to yourself.
When you block all contact he can’t play with your head any more. You’re in charge. You decide
Lovesucks, you have to leave. Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. It is hard to go, you will be scared, but no matter how scared you are, get out. There is no easy way to get rid of a sp, especially if you have something they want. If he is living with you in your space, dump his shit on the lawn and change the locks. Call the police, have a trusted friend be with you. When you get rid of him, NEVER be alone with him ever again! I am sure everyone on here will tell you the same. Maybe with a little more tact tho…lol. I need to readjust my filters.
Mich0101 please let me tell you what a friend told me:
Your journey has moulded you for the greater good. It was exactly what it needed to be. Don’t think you’ve lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is the right time.
Yes, you will feel as if you wasted your time. I still feel that way. 2 years of my life are down the toilet. But the year I have been away from him is not wasted!
Being with a sociopath is like taking meth. You are addicted to him and the withdrawl is very painful. Every little crumb will give you a rush and baby, you will crave that rush. It is not worth it.
You will always ask why. I still ask that. The reason why is because she/he can. That’s why. Life is a game to the sp and he loves nothing more than destroying someone for a whim. It might be because you have blonde hair, or perfect teeth or a cool car or neat tattoos or it could be because you are overweight and the sp wants to crush your self esteem even farther. There is no sane reason why. Your ex did it because he COULD.
Don’t get reeled back in. Stay strong. It is very hard, but your life will be more fulfilled without him.
mich0101; You sound just like me. Same times of everything. I have tried to understand too. And there is understanding to a point but there are some things that we will never get.
Wow, you are right on with how I feel. Addicted. That is how I explain it to my friends and even my therapist. And I am having major withdrawls. I was actually even thinking a little while ago, would it be so bad to see him one more time? Yes, I know the answer to that. And I won’t. It was just a fleeting thought.
Mich0101
Don’t do it!!! You will regret so much in the future. The problem is, all those good times you remember? They were only one sided. All the love you poured into your relationshit was just that YOUR love. He was just along for the ride for the duration that suited him.
You ask why he keeps coming back? Because he wants to see what other part of your soul he can blacken.
I was so addicted to the sp that when I left, it was like I was thrown into rehab. I had to quit cold turkey and it was very devastating. For a while I tried to convince myself that the relationshit wasn’t that bad and that he was right when he told me that I was making such a big deal over nothing (and that nothing was him being on adultfriend finder, sandy swinger and plenty of fish) He refused to admit that it was him logging on to these sites, yet when we had a big blow out, he said that I should be grateful that I knew he was on these site. His rationale was “at least I’m not hiding it like the thousands of other men that cheat on their women”. I am not even kidding. The insanity of it all is causing my anxiety to have an amber alert even as I type it.
After I got away, I guess I decided I still needed punishment because I didn’t follow the no contact rule. He texted me constantly and I answered his texts. When I left, I had to leave my dog with him and it really upset me, so I would go visit the dog and he would come out to talk to me. I thought I could handle it, because I was controlling the situation. Really? What a load of denial! I wasn’t controlling anything, he still was! One day I creeped into his back yard so that I could see my dog and he came to the door naked. He reached over and started touching me and invited me in to watch a movie with him. I was totally paralysed. I got away and never went back. I sure miss my dog, but as much as I miss her, I will never allow him to hurt me again. He texted me a few times after that, and after what happened at his house, doubled with the fact that he had pictures of his junk plastered up on craigslist, I decided I had enough and started no contact from then on.
I delete his texts, don’t answer his calls etc. I no longer have that sick, slimy feeling about me and I can get about my day without severe anxiety.
I hope you are smarter than me. Sometimes I wonder what was going through my head. Doing the 12 steps has some merit and I use that in my recovery. Especially since I was so addicted to him. He was like heroin to me, he sucked out my soul and left me a husk of my former self. I am regaining my life back and I’m living it a lot more cautiously than I did before.
Saskgirl, sounds like we could have been with the same guy. I can’t get over all of the same traits these spaths have. I am struggling with my withdrawl of him but I am going to stick with NC even if it kills me. One question though. Do these guys actually KNOW what they are? Or do they think they are normal? I can’t understand why anybody would want to live the way they do.