Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
Oh, ok. Thanks. That makes sense.
mich: The one I was with had a daughter that lived with him and she is just like him!! She told me once that she hated him but them sucks up to him all the time. And lies constantly! He wanted to marry me but I said no. (Thank God!) She would have been the step daughter from HELL!
I am greatful that I never lived with him. His daughter would have been a horrible influence on my kids. Both of us were very headstrong about not giving up our houses. He wanted me to sell mine and move in with him. Thank god I did not do that. He would have had all of his other women and sleazy hook up web sites and it would have been much harder to leave. I’m just trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces after 3 years of being lied to and manipulated. I can handle a normal break up. I am divorced. But he took all of my good memories that we had together and tarnished them. All of our good times were a lie.
mich: I am trying to pick up the pieces to after 2 1/2 year roller coaster relationship. I am so thankful for what I have learned. I have read 4 books on this that has helped me so much. “Red Flags of Love Fraud” , “Women Who Love Psychopaths” (this one I would recommend to you because it deals specifically with the emotions that women go through), “The Sociopath Next Door” and “Toads, and the Women Who Kiss Them”.
PS. I get the saddest when I think of the fun I had with him.
I met the spaths daughter once briefly when she was 11. When we were out of earshot of anyone she said, “I can get my dad to do anything I want.” I thought,” holy crap”. I didn’t know what he was at the time. Now i realize what he is and what she is. Just like him. I heard about a couple of times she lied later on and saw a few posts on twitter. I would bet my next paycheck she is disordered also. It’s sad for his x wife. She got out of the marriage and moved on. Found a good man but, she still has to deal with the spath x via her daughter for the rest of her life.
mich0101
It gets easier to deal with the realization that all the good times were a lie. Try not to replay specific memories in your mind. It’s hard at first but, it gets easier.
To Be Free: my entire 3 years was a roller coaster of emotions. I would spend the weekend at his house and when I came home Sun am, my gut would be screaming at me. I felt like I was never going to see him again. Then came the relief when I heard from him at night. And the daily snooping online to see who he was sneaking around with behind my back. And there were plenty of them. He always had an excuse. I started to read the betrayal bond. It was one of the first that I saw as suggested reading during my first moments or realization and grief. Not sure if it will be beneficial but will move on to some of the other books you are suggesting when I am done with it.
Kmillercats, spaths daugther has said those same exact words! “I can get my dad to do anything I want.” And her mom can’t handle her. Her sister (the oldest) wants nothing to do with him and now I understand why.
kmillercats:
That is scary. Spath was the same…thought he could make anybody do anything. But he finally got knocked down when he got fired a few weeks ago. He wasn’t able to talk himself out of that one and paid the ultimate price. He FINALLY got what he deserved.
Skylar, I laughed so hard about the broccoli and McDonalds comment. I laughed because it was so absurd when you wrote it, but it was probably some of the logic the sociopath used on you!
Bluemosaic (what a beautiful name)
The emotional abuse takes a toll on you as much as the physical abuse. The sp was always pressuring me to get a boob job because he felt it would boost my self esteem more. To me, his pressure just meant that he wasn’t happy with my body and it was just another thing that I couldn’t get right.
I have mentioned before that he would speak poison of his exgirlfriend. About how she cheated on him, about how she was never there for him and his kids, about how she dared say that she was in debt because of him. The way he blamed her, I think any cataclysmic doom that ever happened in Saskatoon was because of her. For 2 years I heard how evil she was. I did everything in my world to ensure that I didn’t do anything to remind him of his ex (even if it went against my inner gut). The first time he said to me “you are exactly like ___________”, it was like he physically hit me. Then I would do all kinds of things to correct my error so that he never said that again. Now I see that was his weapon of choice and he used it well.
I am a very caring and loyal person and I was married to a narcissist before I met the sp. Even tho I was married, I raised my daughter alone and all I have ever wanted was to have someone share the duties of being a parent. When I met the sp, I related with him because he didn’t have a spouse (even tho it might have been from his own hand) and knew how hard it was being alone. His favourite card to throw in my face when I didn’t want to do something – especially when it involved his boys (like father, like son) he would always say “that is what I get for believing I could actually rely on another to help with with this journey”. Pow, another hit….
The sp never really cared for his kids either. He talked a big game that he parented them alone, then you hear the real story about the multitude of girlfriends that went into his house, cleaned it (it was a sty and I refused to clean his mess) and made sure the kids had something to eat. He would often leave his daughter alone to care for her younger brothers (since she was age 10 – he would also leave them alone overnight) and said that she was mature enough. I felt so bad for her because she had to take on a parental role and her brothers abused her badly. He always went to the food bank for food and was always having this utility and that utility shut off. I felt bad for the kids and contributed when I could, even before I moved in. He pestered me to move in with him, but when moving day came, he did not help me, I did it alone. Once I lived there, I was spending $500 per week on groceries and my daughter was going hungry. His 2 boys would eat a box of cereal and a gallon of milk for breakfast. All the stuff I bought for lunches would be eaten before lunch came. My daughter began to rely on the school lunch program to eat a decent meal (I was mortified, that was for the disadvantaged and I never saw myself that way. His reaction was, take it they are offering it) There was so much wrong with that situation.
I feel bad for my daughter. When I was with the sp, he used to give me parenting tips daily (remember the man who would leave a 10 year old alone with a 7 year old and 6 year old overnight) and told me time and time again that I coddled her way too much. He would go out of his way to ensure that she and I were separated. She was never allowed in our – oops I mean his room and never could I take her somewhere alone because I would be accused of being exactly like his exgf who favoured her children over his. SLAP! My daughter retreated into herself and it is very difficult to get her to come out. It has been the 2 of us for the last year and she still comes out with some things that went on there that shocks me. I really hope our relationship can be repaired. I have no excuse for the hell that she went through while we were there and I have no way to make amends.
Imarriedit. I love my dog very much, she is such a timid soul and she is also victim to the sp. It bothered me that she cringed everytime she hear his voice and was visibly scared. Whenever he came home, she would hide in her crate. She kept me sane when I was there and when he realized that, he kicked her out of our – oops I mean his room and wouldn’t let me spend any extra time with her. I feel like I abandoned my child when I left her there. I have come to terms with it. He used her for a while to get me to come over (let’s go to the dog park honey, Lily misses you), but I had to get hard and put her out of my mind. The sp will use whatever means to keep you hooked.
Saskgirl,
I’m so sorry that your daughter suffered because of the spath. I hope you’re able to help her use the experience to learn about spaths so she will never have to put up with one, herself.
Although the spath didn’t actually use those words, he did blame me for the most ridiculous things. Once, he staged a car accident with one of his minions so that I would have to pay for the minion’s damaged car. His intent was simply to leave me without money. Anyway he called and blamed me for HIM hitting the minion’s car. He said that because we fought that morning, he forgot to drink water and it caused his leg to spasm and he couldn’t brake fast enough. 😯
He did actually eat at McDonalds because he had poisoned all the food at home. I was buying the most expensive organic food, trying to eat healthy because I was sick all the time and he was poisoning it. That’s why he had to eat the poison that McDonalds and Jack in the Box serves. I’m sure he resented me for not killing myself fast enough so he could stop poisoning the food at home.
Mich0101,
you asked what the 180 rule was. I guess I kind of described it in the two examples above.
I named my website 180rule.com to describe how spaths act. Here is part of what I wrote:
http://180rule.com/psychopaths-girardian-theory-the-180-rule/
Skylar, thanks for the link. Very interesting.