Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
skylar,
Your comment about McDonalds instead of broccoli was SO FUNNY! 🙂 Actually it was kinda ironic! The first week of our marriage,I made alot of chef salad in the evenings.He was losing weight.He wasn’t even morbidly overweight at that time.But later on,after we’d already had our oldest daughter,we were having financial difficulties.He started pawning things.First my engagement ring.Then my blender,a wedding present.One day my mother was visiting,and she
asked me if I knew his car was FULL OF HAMBURGER WRAPPERS!!!
I’m gonna read that 180 rule link!
Louise
I am a believer of “eye for an eye” It’s just how I am. The x spath you were involved with probably deserves much worse than loosing his job. I know I hope for more than that for the former spath in my life. Yep, I’m still angry. Some days more than others.
kmillercats:
Thanks. He does deserve much worse, but this was a start. I do believe that Karma works. Or just leaving it all up to God…that’s the best plan. HUGS.
Just adding my 2 cents as usual: As women we are too trusting, aren’t we? I was married to someone I trusted also. Successful and lots of fun. I don’t think he qualified as a psychopath, but he wasn’t always honest; just the way he lived and got ahead. I’m not sure where the line is drawn between just trying to get ahead and lying ‘now and then’ to the point of not caring one bit about anyone else. As women, it’s difficult because we want to believe and trust and think the best of them. It’s hard when someone comes on strong and we start liking them, (for how they get our attention and build us up with their lies.) Especially when we are very young and have no clue what is happening, let alone put it into words! I have learned that people with such bad habits become hardened, as the lies and sexual acts get bigger and bigger, and more perverted. People who value sex (porn, one night stands, or friends with benefits) and/or money above everything else, will compete in those areas to get ahead. As the competition gets bigger then so do the lies and perversions. I now can see sin for what it is, and how it grows and feeds on itself. This is how people self destruct. Liars and users seem to be running rampant. Women need to educate themselves so they can know who they are dealing with without believing what the predator tells them. I would suggest to get and read the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. (Also on audio CD) It provides insight as to what is happening and how to stop it before it does. I hope this can help some readers and victims of users !
Oh…..here I go again!! LOL
This is my favorite Spath quote. One nice neat package!
I’d like to have a bumper sticker!
“The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to such a pass that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love, and in order to occupy and distract himself without love he gives way to passions and coarse pleasures, and sinks to bestiality in his vices, all from continual lying to other men and to himself. ”
Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov
Dorothy2,
Your quote from Dostoevsky, just WOW.
“…sinks to beastiality in his vices…”
sounds like it was written to describe the spath I knew.
The spath used to tell me, ” I love contradictions and extremes”…a facination with insanity and he derived pleasure from humiliation of a woman.
I don’t love that in a human being, never did.
Blue
Pattywack, great post. Boundaries…that’s the key to everything I want.Namely safety, stability, peace, calm, health, respect.
For me, there has to come a point in the recovery journey where it stops being a desperate wish for answers as to the disordered person’s motivations or wishes or ”reasoning” . The key for me is just to stop being other focused, to figure ourselves out. For me, I spent months trying to psychoanalyse my abuser in my mind. All that emotional labour did me no good whatsoever. The only thing I need to know and accept is that , if I consider facts a,b,c through to z, he demonstrates psychopathic tendencies. He is dangerous, to my emotional and phsycial well being. That’s enough info. Any attempts by me to discover his ”secret” what ”makes him tick” is utterly futile and a violation of no contact, in effect. Because it just keeps me focused on him. Him, him, him. Not me, which is where my attention should be focused. So yes, I’m with you Patty, boundaries. And the no contact needs not only to be physical, but mental. Emotional distance needs to be maintained. I was spending hours, daily, obsessionally reading about psychopathy until a couple of weeks ago. At a certain point I thought …enough, I need to focus on me now, and I am traumatised and need help, but I’m not a psychopath, so at a certain point ficusing more on psychopathy than on me is self defeating and delaying my recovery. I want to focus on the good things. The good people. Who are there, and there are more of them, a lot more, than there are psychopaths. Thank God.
Tea light, I agree with what you said in theory but I know that it’s also important to understand them to the best of our ability for two reasons, maybe more. The first reason that I have to understand or at least SEE him is so that I realize the futility of the situation and can hopefully let go of the “but, what if’s”. The second is that I need to be aware that these twisted clucks actually DO exist in this world and one of the reason I ended up with THIS twisted cluck is because I didn’t know they existed in this world. I didn’t KNOW. In spite of what I’ve been through with Spath x and all the stories I’ve read about what others have been through, I’m embarrassed to say that I’m STILL having a hard time grasping it. Until I fully grasp it I’m in danger of repeating the same mistake and honestly don’t think I could survive another experience like this.
It sounds like you have reached a point of satisfaction and purging which is great. I look forward to getting there but I’m just not there quite yet.
I hear what you are saying and ultimately I’m hoping that being where I’m at now will take me there.
Dorothy2, it takes time and extreme patience to navigate our individual Healing Path. At first, we are compelled to “know” everything that we can about sociopaths, psychopaths, and the grossly disordered – we need explanations and information because it may help us to understand why they did the things to us that they chose. We drink in that knowledge like someone that’s been wandering in the desert for 40 years sucking down blessed water.
Then, a very odd thing happens. There’s no schedule for when this occurs, nor does it happen with any warning. Suddenly, all of the information, data, research, explanations, definitions, and so forth no longer matter so much. They are what they are because they ARE what they are. On that day, the focus moves from what “they did” to our own recovery, boundary construction, core-issues, etc…..
It comes in due time. And, until that time comes, read, read, read and post, post, post. The purge is an ongoing thing that runs in fits and spurts.
Brightest blessings
Thanks Dorothy for your post, I completely am with you on the need to understand, and to read and learn – essential part of the recovery process. Nothing made any sense at all until I started reading up on red flags and psychopathy. Then, week by week, I came to a level of understanding that allowed me to move on a bit to this point, where I am …well I guess burned out with reading about psychopathy, and definately burned out with being focused on my abusive ex partner and what goes through his head. Not interested in obsessing about him any more. And it was obsessing Dorothy, I can’t even tell you. From the second I woke up from broken sleep and nightmares about him I would be reading books on psychopathy or articles or posts, for hours – HOURS – every day, for weeks and weeks. It got to the point where I was spending most of my time ( I’ve had to return to work recently so that’s shifted my focus a bit) alone, depressed, reading on psychopathy. That isn’t, for me, healthy. I think for me, the initial few weeks of realising ”wow, I have had an encounter with a psychopath” and quite legitimately wanted to learn and understand that disorder, quickly became something like a morbid and unhealthy preoccupation, and that was not good for me. I’m interested in knowing enough, being aware enough to help keep myself as safe as I can, whilst being more focused on me, who is not a psychopath, than him, who is.
None of this journey is easy for any of us, there’s no one size fits all, but for me, I just have to refocus , it was becoming unhealthy. 88% of people are not disordered, that’s what I have to keep reminding myself. Most people are well meaning, and try their best to be decent. Peace and love to you Dorothy, everything will fall into place for you, in time, at your pace, xx
EDIT ADD also wanted to say that for me, I needed to accept that a certain level of understanding was all I require. I am not going to retrain as a psychiatrist or a counselor. There are limits to the amount of understanding I think we as lay people can usefully acquire about these disorders. Ultimately, for me, there is a level of understanding past which I don’t need to go. I’m smart enough to know I will never understand psychopathy in any expert way, that comes with clinicial practice and years of academic level research. I am not going to spend my life undertaking either of those activities. I just want to know enough to be far more self protecting than I was before the abuser. That’s all. That’s enough, for me.