Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
Tea Light:
Same. I agree. I have spent not just countless hours or weeks, but years now. I have obsessed long enough. It is coming down to true healing time now and him being fired was a huge blessing in that direction. I could never get him out of my head no matter how I tried. I tried everything and nothing worked, but after the firing, something changed, something clicked. It hurt and felt good at the same time. It was like he finally got what he deserved for hurting me, but I also felt sad and awful for him. The ways to contact him also became cut. All of these things created a shift in what was going on in my head. I know how you feel…it got to a point where sometimes I literally thought my head was just going to blow up from him being in it! It was craziness.
So it does come to a point where that all starts to end and it becomes totally about US and no longer about THEM. Gosh, what a journey it has been. I lost a lot, but I gained a lot. I had to also mourn the loss of friends I “thought” I had. I have had to focus on making new ones and leave the ones behind who have false beliefs of me.
Blessings to you, Tea Light…I think of you often love, take care. x
TruthSpeak and TeaLight..thank you for your words of wisdom and experience. I see that what you are saying about enough being enough is so true. It’s been a little over two months since the actual ending of the Spathcapade and about a month since the slimy slip. I can feel things in me changing, my attitude, my interest in all things Spath.
The reason I wrote what I wrote is because my counselor is on me about focusing so much on him and not more on me. I see the wisdom behind what she is saying but I’m just not there. This devastated me. The relationship devastated me and now the end of it, and all the realizations and having to accept the truth…..devastating.
I feel like a wimp in so many ways for being SO affected by this, especially when I read the horror stories that mine pales in comparison to. I have no other explanation than this looser embodied every single childhood trauma and disfunction of mine imaginable. Like he lanced every old pus filled wound I have all at the same time. The pain I’m feeling is as close to unbearable as possible and at times feels unbearable.
I know this is old stuff but can’t connect it to anything specific in my mind. I’m not sure that that matters. I hope it doesn’t and is therapeutic even if I can’t consciously connect it to actual memories. I am positive that some of my emotional issues go back as far as my alcohol infested in utero environment and the abandonment issues that surround my infancy and childhood and life in general.
Honestly I wanted and hoped for him to save me from what feels like a life in some kind of isolation that I can’t even put into words. Instead he used and betrayed me, and deceived me in order to do so. When he said forever, I believed him and when I said forever I meant it. Even though a part of me doubted his sincerity most of the time we were together, I still believed that he really meant that he loved me? Something about “us” felt like we were meant to be together and honestly still does. Like we were both handed a gift, I put it in a special place and he threw it in the garbage can of his life.
I think there was just too much damage for him to address for there to be a chance. The ruts are cut too deep in him. He is trapped in a pit that he dug so deep that he can’t escape. I think there is a part of him that looked up from the bottom of that pit, at me standing on the edge, and was reaching up for me to pull him out. I think the part of him that can’t find the strength and determination to crawl out of the pit was greater and wanted to pull me into the pit with him.
I can’t let go of the image I have of him lost in the bottom of that pit. The sadness I feel seeing him down there mired in the filth and pollution that is his life breaks my heart. I loved that part of him that was reaching up and had tremendous empathy for his woundedness. I miss the good times terribly and I don’t honestly think ALL of it was a mask. I could be wrong.
I don’t know….that’s where I’m at today. Tomorrow it will be somewhere different. A process…..yes, that’s what it is. I look forward to the day that the thought of him brings neither unimaginable hurt, anger or sadness.
Thank god I’ve been fortunate not to run into him up to now. It’s a very small area and I dread even a visual encounter. So……….
The days are getting longer and there is a brighter light at the end of the tunnel. Hope is on the horizon. Today’s jut not a good day.
Ill say this…..I will NEVER feel bad for him if karma bites him in the ass HARD. I hope beyond hope that it does and that I’m around to hear the story. I hope it bites him and his emotionally incestuous mother in a way that will give him a chance to see how destructive his selfish choices are. In a way that he can’t wiggle out of and blame on someone else. I want that for myself and I’m ok for wanting that for myself. No way would I EVER feel bad for him.
Lou, I’m GLAD I met the abuser because it brought YOU into my life and you RULE 🙂 xx It’s fantastic to read what you wrote, about the firing creating some refocus…we need our energy and love and compassion and care, NOT them. They can go to hell, frankly. Let’s just look after ourselves and people worth looking after. Let them do what they want, far away from us. To hell with them. Boring bastards!! So many lovely things to see and do in this life. So many nice people too. God someone must have slipped a happy pill in my porridge this morning. ((Hugs for lovely Lou)) x
Dorothy lovely, at some point, if you keep your focus where it needs to be, on taking care of you and being with the good people, then you’ll reach a place where you just won’t care… whether he’s in jail, in a ditch, living the life of psychopathic Reilly, whatever. You just won’t care, you’ll be too busy smelling the fresh air and looking at the clouds and thinking, life is really OK, and I’m having a good day. I had a total breakdown last November after my ex sexually abused me , and I was in a state of clinical depresison for months, couldn;t work. Just hang in there, and be gentle and kind to yourself, and sleep, and eat fruit and vegetables, and do small things to give yourself comfort and pleasure, and respite, and keep posting, and you’ll come through, you will . x
Lou, yeah, those false beliefs. Those false friends. I had some that I’d been carrying about since I was 18, 19. I had to move on. It’s natural to move through cycles of change in life, apparently about once every 7-10 years you should be experiencing significant change and growth and great if some people come all along the way with you, but lots won’t, they’ll be with us for part of the journey, then they go down their road, and I’ve made peace with that. I’m not the person I was at 18, and neither are they. The people closest to us have to allow us to change and grow , they have to be able to support that. And vice versa. xx
TeaLight thank you for those words of encouragement. I know there is an end to this…..some ugly karmic story about Mama Spath and her dear baby Spath would sure help me skip to the end of the book without any regret. I’ve sent that message to the universe and said please! Quite honestly I’d be shocked if something major isn’t coming up soon to disrupt the insestuous apple cart. The whole thig is staged soooooo perfectly that karma would have to be sound asleep at the wheel to miss this opportunity. Any two vehicle mishap combined with a DUI could leave Spath MaMa holding his bag of dirty diapers for quite some time. I wish I felt comfortable describing in detail how ugly things could get and why but trust me on this one thing……his situation is precarious at best, in several different ways. Mother Clucker. They don’t have a CLUE the risks that are at hand. One word…..auto insurance issues, second word liability, third word law suit. Yes…….big old bag of stinky dupie diapers. Eeeeeewwww
Oh!!!! I’m all tinglie just thinking about it!!
Tea Light:
I am glad I met you, too. There is ALWAYS a silver lining…always.
There are so many things to do and see in this life. I am so glad you are feeling better…moving forward. It does come along.
Yes, great point about people who care about us will grow with us and support us and vice versa!! Yep. That’s the way life should be. x
PS: Would you want to exchange email addresses? It’s OK if not. If so, Donna can introduce us.
Hello All.
I have been trying to get back to my life while the SP looks confused because it is clear I dont care anymore. I have told him to leave. I am just concentrating on me. I know that I am vulnerable but I loved speaking to my old friend. I have to evaluate everything now because I dont trut my own judgement right now. I am talking one step at a time. God help me. I am still tryong to get into therapy Hopefuy that will start soon. I hope this gets better because I am so tired, physically and emotionally.