Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
Kim, the “needy” part of my “inner child” honesty believed in the “value” of sex as a relationship binder. I’m 52, and I was raised with the simmering sex appeal being the greatest allure of a female (Bond Girls, anyone?). EVEN MY MOTHER taught me that sexual allure was vital for a female.
So, in my needy, and absolutely bleak self-perceptions, I truly believed that sex equaled love. Oh, boy……..
I am living the same nightmare, I can’t believe this wonderful charming man is a sociopath. I want to throw up…..I’m engaged to him and he lives in my house. I ignored my gut instinct and fell for his charm, like most of you wrote. They do everything you want, and become everything you need. He lied about having high moral values and said he couldn’t stand men that cheated…Yeah right…what a joke. After we had been together for a while he started wearing my lingerie, i knew he loved me wearing it and i just thought it was cute that he wore my panties.He would tell me our sex was the best he ever had and that he had never done anything like that before. i was so naive, i believed him, soon he wanted to wear stockings and bras, I thought it was strange but never stopped it, I guess I didn’t want to disappoint him.
I was using his computer and found numerous sex sites and sex dating sites he visited. I actually found his profile on a sex site he signed up with before we met, and it said he was looking for swinging, fetishes and alternative activities. i was sick so i confronted him, im sure you can guess his reaction….denied everything and got very angry. he threatened to leave me and i stupidly fell for it and stupidly made up with him.
I really thought I was going crazy and needed more proof, (like that was necessary).
I contacted his ex wife and she told me he cheated on her. He was on chat sites sex, dating sites and porn constantly, while they were married…oh and she walked in her bedroom and he was wearing her stocking , panties and bras…everything I knew was now validated.
I’m just trying to make a plan to get him out of my house…..I need some advice…they are blood suckers and hard to get rid of.
Ddancer, I’m sorry for your experiences and welcome to LoveFraud.
I’m blunt, anymore. If it were me, I would first close out any/all joint accounts, have any shared services (cell phone, internet) put into MY name with HIS services cut off (cell phone, internet, etc.). Then, I would get to the Post Office, today or tomorrow, and rent a PO Box and have ALL mail forwarded to my P.O. box. Then, I’d give him back his engagement ring (legal requirement), and tell him that it’s over. He would be instructed to pack his stuff and be out of my house by Tuesday. I don’t care where he goes, whom he goes with – just, leave. If he were still there on Tuesday, I would contact the police and have him removed, along with his belongings.
I would employ “No Contact,” immediately, and disallow any communications from him, with him, or even with his ex-wife. ALL in-roads and side-roads (third party contact) would be closed, including online profiles, blocking cell phone numbers, etc.
I’m all about recovering ME, first, anymore. Perhaps, others will have additional options to share. I’m all about kicking the jackass out onto the street.
Again, I’m sorry to read of your experiences and you’ve found a good source of support, encouragement, and recovery.
Brightest blessings
EDIT ADD: by all shared or joint services, I mean EVERYTHING, including auto insurance, homeowner’s insurance, you name it.
DDancer and Truthspeak,
the problem is that it’s hard to evict a person who has lived in your home for a length of time. In my state, you are required to give them 30 days notice. That’s plenty of time for a spath to kill you and make it look like an accident or suicide.
A spath must be either bored away or lured away.
The only other option is to move out, empty the home of all your belongings, insure the heck out of what’s left, then serve him with a 30 day notice as well as a no contact order. After 30 days the sheriff will oust him.
Thanks, I appreciate your support. I believe in my state it is 30 day notice to remove someone from the home. He has shown a destructive side, when I confronted him with proof about the profile on a sex site, he went nutty and broke bottles by slamming the fridge doors. He calmed down when I told him I would call police if he didn’t calm down. Whenever I bring up the porn he laughs at me call me crazy for being upset. He tells me he will leave when he can afford to… Also he is addicted to pain pills and is always sweet as can be when he has them. I am slowly removing all joint accounts I took him off of my credit cards and opened my own bank account. I just want this to end so I can begin to heal…I believed the illusion and was blinded by it.
LoveSucks says:
“I understand, When I tried to explain it to my old friend, I wodered the same thing. I think I was targeted. I know I was vuknerable. I have acceped that fact. I guess I thought i had it all together but was vulnerable and lonely inside.”
I was “targeted” in a very unusual way, in that I had met the x-spath on the Internet before I ever knew him in person.
By met, I mean there was no contact or chatting, I just “knew” of him from an online profile I saw. Based on his profile and pictures, I constructed an image in mind of the the type of person I wanted to meet.
When I met him, he very much lived up to his online “nice guy next door” persona, of which he was not…
At the time, he did not know I knew of him nor did I make the connection — it was only after he dumped me that I realized he was the “next door guy” of my dreams…
That he is only such on the outside is very, very telling. He pretends to be shy, reserved, “British proper” and sorted…
In reality, he is sexually promiscuous, HIV+ and into some very kinky things. Yet, he had me convinced, thru mirroring and charm, that he was a soulmate, even when in retrospect, we don’t have much in common and due to his smoking, drinking and passive, partying lifestyle, we could never be in a relationship.
Of course, he continues this game online and via his job as a flight attendant, where he has some people convinced he is “very sweet.”
Perhaps until the kill, because very shortly, even when I was treating him like a prince, I saw anything but a sweet person. He is flippant, quirky, dishonest, ungrateful, bitchy and hyper-critical.
I was targeted to provide him a measure of respect that a gay flight attendant does not have.
I am feeling so much anger today….again. SO MUCH ANGER!!!
I was driving into town today and saying the things I would say to him if he ever contacted me again. I actually wish he would just so I can tell him he no longer exists in my heart and that I see clearly that the person I was in love with and had feelings for doesn’t exist and never has and to leave me the fuck alone. You are a disgusting and perverted creature Spath and will NEVER have anything or one worth having.
I want to say those words to him so badly.
Dorothy,
I remember that rage. It helped me lots to imagine him standing there in my living room, and I’d say everything I was angry about, while hurling imaginary plates at him. Sometimes, it was nothing but plates with expletives. It helped me lots!
It has been peaceful today. He is gone … for now. I am counting my blessings. He has been soooo drunk. He called endlessly last night, I ignored the calls. Today, it has been peaceful and I am thankful…so thankful.
I made an appt with a therapist. I am pleased that I am still taking steps in the right direction. I pray I continuue…
Spoke too soon his calling ritual has started. I will not answer. God help me get through this.
Dear Dorothy2,
I am still angry too…some days are angry days…some are sad that he could be so heartless. I think imagining yelling at him, in my case …imagined combat on a field…it helps us put the blame where it belongs and holds them accoutable, if only in our minds. Pain, better out than in. Hugs to you.
Dear Lovesucks,
I am glad you have more peace today. I will keep you in my prayers, if he gets no response, he will quit, hopefully soon. Hugs to you.
Me, I am a little sad today. 6 months since I left him. I know he never loved me…still hurts to know I was just flesh to him. Allowing myself to feel my pain.
Blue