Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
I know how that is Blue. He told me once while he was drunk and raging that he never loved me and he never wanted to be wth me. I hurts like hell. I have to believe that it will come back on them, they will get theirs. they wont get away with inflicting so much pain.
ddancer,
Welcome to Lovefraud!I’m sorry to hear of your pain and disappointment.Truthspeak gave very good advice about putting everything into your name.Since it takes 30 days to put someone out of the home,where you are,it will be more difficult to keep the peace while making all these preparations.Try to relax and ignore him and what he’s doing,knowing that soon it won’t matter anyway.When it comes to conversation,”greyrock” him.Speak to him with few words and with as little emotion as possible.Leave the house to be with supportive friends.I was able to get counseling at a domestic violence shelter.If that’s not possible for you,they may still be able to refer you to someone who can help you through this.
ddancer,
My sp lives i my house. It started out with him helping me. He was so helpful, we laughed a lot. Then, it began to happen. He started changing, drinking, porn sites. He would get pretty rough and it would be like having an out of body experience. He was using drugs too. I thought I could help him and things would get better. what a joke. I just want him gone out of my house and city. I want him gone. He is toxic. I have told him to leave. Im still waiting to see what happens, Hang in there, dont argue, ignor him even when he is being really mean, They hate that. Dont engage him. Then, continue to make a plan to get your life back.
Lovesucks, you said: “It started out with him helping me. He was so helpful, we laughed a lot.”….yes, thats how it started in my situation. After we met, ohhh he was sooooo helpful, indispensible, helping hands-on, ready to “help out” in any way. He is an electrician, makes very good money, and can afford whatever he wants. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I shoulda seen it coming, but he SEEEEEEMED so sincere. When I first began to uncover this pisa-shit, and what he was up to and really about, and I began telling family exactly what he was doing…..even my family didnt believe me at first! Thats how good they are! Now, he is trying to continue the sodomizing in court! Will he win a court battle against me? I do not know at this point, but will fight him tooth-n-nail, to the bloody death!
It sounds to me like it would be a good idea for anyone thinking about a court case to get into a domestic violence therapy practioner and a psychiatrist to hopefully get a PTSD diagnosis. That could really tip the scales in your favor?
Last feb, when I was depressed to the point of barely being able to function, I saw a psychiatrist through my GP’s office and she diagnosed me with PTSD. I’d love to sue his miserable ass for all the money I’ve spent in counseling over the following year. I’ve got doctors reports to back it up but how do you get money from the POS that has none anyhow? He’s in bankruptcy as it is. What a catch.
I’m going to DRAG myself out of this house today and go do SOMETHING at least a little enjoyable!!
Oh..on grey rocking……I still love the idea of talking about the yeast infection you can’t get rid of or anything painfully mundane that makes a guys stomach turn. But maybe not talking at all would do the trick. Yes, I see the wisdom of making it unbearable for them to be in the same house as you. I would do a lot of vacuuming! Have a girlfriend party…..
Be safe and good luck ladies.
RadarLove, how are you?
Am I wrong to want revenge of some sort? Even on an emotional level? I am not the type to do anything physical or to his property…..which he doesn’t have because he lives with Mama Spath. But I want to puke the vile humiliation and pain back on him till he chokes on it.
Radar and Love, the lovebombing is absolutely blinding, and that’s why they do it. It’s like staring at the sun for more than 2 seconds – after looking away, all a person can see is a huge green field of vision, and nothing else for quite some time. I’ve typed this, before, and I still have to wonder HOW they all do the same, exact, precise things if they aren’t handed a “Handbook On Destruction,” at some point.
As far as friends and family “believing” what we’ve experienced, that’s the primary indicator that a counseling therapist that “gets it” is the best and safest means of getting our experiences out of our psyches, as well as on this blog site. People don’t believe us because of a variety of reasons. They may not WANT to believe that another human being is a predator. They may be unable to process the facts. They may be in disbelief because the details of the experiences are simply too fantastic for them to comprehend. Then, they simply may not care in the first place and think to themselves, “Better him/her than ME.” Still others may be disordered, themselves, and respond with, “Well, you should have known and it’s what you deserved.” Whatever the reasons are behind the disbelief don’t matter – what matters is finding and securing a network of emotional support and safety where people DO understand, support, encourage, and assist us.
As far as “winning” in court, Radar, the only people who “win” in ANY divorce are the attorneys. This is a hard, cold, and sad fact, but maintaining NO expectations on outcomes with a reasonable understanding of what might result is vital. Separating the emotion from the divorce process, itself, is no easy task – it’s the greatest challenge I have faced during my entire lifetime along with attempting to recover.
Whatever the spath is doing in the legal maneuvering can be met by a competent attorney. They do this, EVERY day – the attorneys, that is. They have heard it all, seen it all, and battled it all. Yes, every case is individual with its own set of details, but it’s nothing new to an experienced divorce attorney. Let your attorney do the fighting. That’s what they are paid to do. We, on the other hand, have our recovery to focus upon. Again, no easy task, but recovery happens in the oddest and most timely ways.
Brightest blessings
Hi all,
Well my declaration of peace was short lived. The SP came back with the intent to pick up something. I let him in to get it, he started accusing me of cheating, said I had marks on my neck. I did not argue with him just waited for him to get what he came for. The next thing I knew he was choking me. He got a small knife and choked me again then put the knife to my throat. I trtied to call the cops but he snatched the phone from me. I screamed and finally got him to leave. I called his sister to let her know what happened then I called the police,
I felt so guilty for doing that until I found out that he has other things on his record, I didnt know he had a reccord,
I dont know what happens now. I know that he will go to jail but I dont know how long he will be in. He threaten to kill me and my family,
The officer was so nice. He said that he didint want me to be another victim. He is dangerous ,,, more dangerous than I knew,
God help me to get through this. I am still so afraid. Shaken, He didnt leave any marks.
Love, you are going to be okay. Breathe. And, take this event as a catalyst for your self-protection.
I would strongly urge you to change all of your locks, TODAY. And, I would also strongly urge you to file for an Order Of Protection, TODAY. I would also urge you to secure a Post Office Box for your mail delivery, TODAY. Then, I would strongly suggest that you contact the local domestic violence hotline to set up safety measures and counseling.
http://www.ndvh.org
Now that you are aware of his record, it is a cold, hard, and vitally important fact that this man is not the person that you loved. The person that you loved never existed – it was an illusion. So, having typed that, be kind to yourself and put YOUR SAFETY and recovery before ANYTHING else, and this includes NOT allowing anyone else to step in to fill the void.
You are going to get through this, Love. You will.
Brightest and most sincere blessings of encouragement
EDIT ADD: There is no room for feeling guilty for reporting an assault. If he didn’t have a record, would that invalidate the assault that he perpetrated against you? Of course, not. He was reported because – BECAUSE – of his own actions. Call your local hotline, ASAP, and get some resources sorted out.
Dear LoveS, given the magnitude, and seriousness of your post above, as Truthspeak stated…YOU MUST TAKE ACTION, and DO EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER TO PROTECT YOURSELF! For if you DO NOT? Then what? No one is going to do it FOR YOU! The proper authorities are are in place, to enforce the protection, you MAY REQUEST! You have to put on the armor!!!!!!!! I dont mean any disrespect, and am not trying to offend you. However, i do have to be honest and say, if you DO NOT TAKE NECESSARY ACTION, against this spath….to a certain degree…you are ALLOWING IT. You now know what he is, what he is capable of, Dear Love, please do something!? Dear God, if there is “a next time”, you may not live to see another day. Best wishes to you!