Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
Blue, for what its worth…..i feel you! Know exactly what you are saying. To be honest, deep, deep, deep, down inside, im more angry at myself for being so trusting and believing his bullshit, then I am angry at what he has done to me. Don’t know if I will ever get past that one…
Radar-On,
It’s worth alot…that you can indentify with me. I feel like I live on the moon and even the most supportive family and freinds do not see the visual of reality I have. I am just having a bad day…not sure if I will ever recover the peace and happiness I once had. I feel like he altered my reality. EVIL does exist…till this, I did not see that truth.
And people like him!!!!!!!…he is soooo good at what he does. He convinces people that he is the nicest, most outgoing, active blah-blah-blah….I know, but they would think I was crazy..not that I am considering attempt at exposing him, I am sure this is of no benefit to my healing…just feel desparing today…and angry…and greif. What a bag of treats he left me holding.
Blue
I don’t get on here as much as I would like to, after the piece of s*** moved out, he went slivering back to his elderly father’s house, and in no time he bought himself a brand new laptop! I can’t afford the internet, but am still so grateful that I do have this phone that I can read and post! I’m sure he’s at his daddy’s house, getting on all of those web sites, including adultfriendfinder, NoStringsAttached, etc. Like I found evidences of that on the computer here at my home! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR! FK’M ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blue, have you ever read my story that was published here? If not, i will comment on it, so it will bump it to the top of the post list so you can read it?
Radarr, you said
“im more angry at myself for being so trusting and believing his bullshit, then I am angry at what he has done to me.”
Okay, sweetie, you MUST GET PAST THAT ONE in order to keep on healing. And yes it iis DIFFICULT to do, but you can do it, just be KIND TO YOURSELF, you did the best you knew how AT THE TIME but now you have learned more.
We can’t continue to beat ourselves up and make progress. This was probably the hardest part for me and I even now still have to remind myself to quit beating myself up over what I allowed to happen. Hind sight is 20/20 but we would be comforting to someone ELSE, and we deserve at least that same consideration.
Oxy, thank you. I do I know what you are saying. And I know, you know, everything that we feel, for you have been there, and even then some! In a strange sort of way, to a certain degree, there is a part of me that I can’t face how stupid I actually really was. Right now, some days, I can’t even leave my home because I don’t want to face anybody. God help me, there are some days I can’t even look at my family in the eye, because I am so ashamed of what has happened. The disappointment in myself I feel, is to much for me too acknowledge right now. I have to focus on this upcoming court batte right now? Have to become “en garde” now, because if I don’t, I have no idea how I will be able to face that prick bastard in court. My greatest fear for going to court, is to lose control, and go berserk on him in court. Especially if he sits across from me and starts sneering at me!!! I am currently trying to practice grey rock, but not doing a good job of it currently. Thank you, precious OxD…. <3
Radar, you weren’t stupid or a fool… You were played by someone who can con even professionals through mirroring and an expert in finding out your deepest desires and holding them like a carrot in front of you. Even the top expert Hare admits he can still be conned and duped for a while by a psychopath.
You were in love, Radar, empathic, and you did not know what a spath really is like instead of what they show on TV, and then you also were trauma bonded. How could you have known that someone would be able to act feelings so profoundly and be so thoroughly rotten inside? Spaths have a total different mind than ours and are unable to feel and think in a way that comes naturally to us. It’s only normal for you to expect that what is natural and easy for you is as natural and easy for anyone else as well.
Be kind to yourself, forgive yourself.
RadarLove..I wonder if it would help to get as much of it out of your system as possible? Say it out loud, write it on a piece of paper. Just purge it purge it purge it. That’s what I was doing in the car yesterday. Saying so many things that I never said TO him when we were together because
a. I didn’t KNOW the truth of what was going on. And
b. I was afraid to because I didn’t want what I did know to be true. I think I’m finally getting to the point of no return. There is no changing the truth.
As much as it makes me sick…..he is the looser in this not me. I’m certainly far from perfect but also far from being someone that can easily be replaced……especially by that looser. He will NEVER have anything or anyone in his life worth having period. The circumstances just won’t allow it. That is my only consolidation……KNOWING that if he does manage to snag onto someone else, it won’t last. It never has in the past and it won’t in the future.
I do wish you luck. Just keep YOUR objective in focus and ignore his childish bull shit. Eye on the prize.
D2
Radar, you are stronger than you know and you CAN do the gray rock in court….first off IMAGINE THAT YOUR LOVE FRAUD MOB is in the courtroom with you and filling every seat! YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We will be there with you…in spirit and in prayer.
You were and are NOT STUPID, you just got fooled, like we all did. Snookered, hood winked, tricked! But even the smartest people get fooled. Look at ALL THE SMART PEOPLE HERE AT LOVE FRAUD. Look at Donna…iis SHE A FOOL? STUPID? How about Liiane Leedom, she’s a psychiatrist for goodness sakes and look at what happened to HER! Is SHE stupid? The answer is of course a resounding NOO!!!! HELLLLLLL NO!!!
We are all HUMAN and we all make choices based on what we know and feel at the time and some of those choices turn out to be toxic, but it isn’t because we are stupid.
Radar, I FELT so stupid, and so alone in my stupidity, but when I came to Love Fraud I found all these SMART PEOPLE just like me who got FOOLED by a psychopath. That’s why I love LoveFaud because it kept me from feeling so stupid when I can see Donna and Liane and they got fooled too, and they are not stupid, so maybe I’m not stupid either!
I also had to forgive myself…and that’s important. But you can do it. Give yourself the same compassion you give others here on LF. ((((Hugs)))) and God bless.
OxD, dwmom, D2, thank you for your most encouraging words. You know, LF Is the only place, the only outlet, That many of us have, it is the only place i have for understanding and fellowship. How i wish i had the internet, I would be able to share so much more. But Grateful I have this phone. This site, has/is an absolute life saver for me, as well as many many others here. I feel such a connect with all of you. Do sooooo wish there was a yearly convention of all of the survivors here. That would be awesome! Glad that there are others that get it!
My egg-donor called me this morning, (no, we’ve never really gotten along!) She called me to see if i would come over to clean her dirty house, which i said NO!!!!! Everything goin on with me, she still wants me to be her house-maid! Just like i was as a teen! UGHH! Thats another fk’uped story there as well! Just everything going on, she is still a pain in my ass!! Ohhhh, but i can still come clean her house? Not! Many thanks, ladies…:)