Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
Love,
The only way you WILL GET peace is by going NC, keep the charges and have him in jail.
I know you wish you could make it all go away instantly. But there is no quick fix. You have the best chance to start working on peace by keeping him in jail at least for a while and get a RO. He’s not a reasonable person who learned his lesson now. He’s not someone you can find a compromise with. He’s already done it before to somebody else. He will do it again if given the chance.
In order to find peace you need to have No Contact.
Lovesucks,
I understand completely how you are feeling! ((( Hugs )))
These spaths won’t let you relax as long as they’re still in your life.Actually,you’re legally ahead of me.I did manage to get strong enough to walk away from my husband and then see to it that he was put in a nursing home.If he could get an apt,he would be getting out.Then I’d be worried!Living in a security apt makes me feel somewhat better.
LoveS, it’s time to get angry. Sure, you’re tired and you don’t want to experience a court event! Who does except the disordered? But, it is a statistical fact that this man’s actions will lead to more physical violence against you, and other women.
It’s not just going to “go away.” At some point, a victim of domestic violence and abuse recognizes that they are, indeed, a victim and they are then aware of a clear choice: remain a victim; or, recover. Recovering from domestic violence is hard. I know this from personal experience. There is a terrible dynamic of “shame” involved – nobody believed that the first exspath physical, sexually, emotionally, verbally, financially, and in all ways abused me. I kept a VERY good cover because I was ashamed. I didn’t want my sons to see their father taken away in handcuffs and a police car. I was ashamed that I had lost control over the violence and abuse. I was ashamed.
Today, it’s time to get angry. Someone has taken your self-esteem away from you. Someone has put their hands on you and threatened to murder you. Someone has caused you to feel terror and fear JUST because you are upright and breathing. Someone has committed a crime against you. GET ANGRY. You are not a “bad person” if you feel angry! You’re not going to burn in hell, be disliked, be devalued, or be un-loveable! You have a RIGHT to feel angry!
Anger can be a very, very healthy emotional expression, OR it can simmer for years and years….. You deserve to feel righteous anger. It is this anger that can be channeled into positive and PRO-active directions. Getting “things done” like changing locks, putting his stuff out of the dwelling, attending counseling and support groups, etc.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the worst experiences of our lives would simply GO AWAY because we didn’t want to face dealing with them? My god, but I would have erased the past 30 years of my life if that were possible. But, things do not go away. We either face them with adamant and courage, or we don’t. It’s all a choice, now.
You know what he is. You know that he has harmed you in the past. You know that he intends to harm you, now. You know that your life has become intolerable because of the abuse. You know that you are not alone and that you have choices. These truths and facts are priceless – knowledge is power.
Take BACK the power and control of your own life and emotions from this very, very bad man. Refuse to accept shame OR blame for what he has done to you. And, get ANGRY!
Brightest blessings of encouragement
Lovesucks,
Protect yourself from him. He is a monster…peace will come if you hold fast to facts. MF’er assaulted you!!! Those further down the road than you and I, know that NC is the “WAY”. He wants you to drop your protection… then you are easy prey. Peace and love to you, you will be in my thoughts and prayers today, HUGS
Blue
Gm to All,
Ok, the OCD reader is done with her consumption for the day. Here is my musing on where I am “inside” today.
I know I attached-loved-tolerated-needed lesson…of the Spath-zilla due to carnage from a not so idyllic childhood. I know it is inner-child/unprocessed-trauma that made me a bullseye. This is no shock to me. I am “seekers-R-US”…been trying to “FIX” self for 30 + years. Thought I had made progress…found out, not as much as I thought.
My Question to the universe #5,375 (LOL) is…If spath was a lesson I needed, then what was the original lesson I got in childhood about? I mean, The Abusive, torturous childhood (including, but not limited to molestation by dad)…what was that about? If everything that happens to us in our lives is a lesson…does this hold true for the stuff that happens in infancy…at age 11, age 16, age 18 ect.?
Are these lessons that my Creator gave my soul for Homework this time around the path of life in the physical plane? If I sound like I am smoking something, I assure you , I am not. This is just how I think. It poses the im-personality of the whole drama and attack…it wasn’t HIM…he was GOD’s tool. MMMMmmmm
Maybe he is not a monster…maybe he is GOD’s gift to woman (as he thinks LOL) b/c he is here to help some of us grow “INSIDE” to deeper wholeness!!???
thoughts welcome : )
Hugs to all,
Blue
Bluemosaic, sometimes, the “reason” for the “lesson” isn’t clear or easily defined. For me – personally – my “inner child” work was a lesson in control. I did not have control over what I experienced as a child – NO child does. But, what it also taught me was that even parents that love their children make grave mistakes.
Processing the “inner child” concept is grievous and extremely painful. When I type, “grievous,” I mean it. That lost part of my childhood created an experience of profound grief – a type of grief that I had, for my entire life, believed that I was not entitled to experience or express. It was the first true “Self-ish” step towards putting my Self and my needs before those of others. It took me to a place where I DESERVED BETTER and was worthy of better.
For my entire life, I had developed a system of faulty beliefs that placed the needs, wants, and well-being of others before my own. This, primarily, is why and how I became the Perfect Target for all toxic and disordered people. I ALLOWED people to treat me poorly because I needed validation, acceptance, and approval to such a degree that I never constructed boundaries, much less, maintained them.
So, this whole process has moved from what the exspaths did to how I needed to change, alter, and discard faulty beliefs and core-issues. That was the basis of these lessons, for me. And, I do not believe that God, Great Creator, or Whomever Is In Charge forces these lessons upon me. I had already been gifted with the values, strengths, and qualities that I needed – it just took another human being(s) to unceremoniously shove me onto my individual Healing Path.
I don’t know if that’s helpful, at all, but it’s how I’ve processed my experiences.
Brightest blessings
Spaths don’t get a get out of monster land pass under ANY circumstances.
Bluemosaic,
I’m an atheist, so I don’t regard it as karmic or divine lessons.
Our minds are meaning-given prone. The story of serendipity is an example of what I’m trying to say. The princes of Serendipity were traveling through their country. Along their travels they come across signs, people and animals, tracks, etc… that went before them. This happens in coincidental order. And what they see and find is truly coincidence. And yet, they connect the signs and weave a tale of it, which at the end of the story turns out to be true.
To me that’s why tarot works for example. You jumble some cards with signs on it and they fall in some coincidental order (truly coincidental) and our meaning-making mind sees connections in them and creates a meaning out of it for the person who desires to have meaning, which is true and correct.
So for me, life happens. We experience good stuff and we get shit. It is up to us to make it meaningful, to do something with it that makes it worthwhile. I found my calling out of a series of shitty events but also beautiful events. I could have killed myself at the time and it would have been a waste of my life, I could have not hustle it all together in my magical mind hat and see it as coincidental unrelated events and it would have been a bitter waste, or I could create a meaning out of it that made it worthwhile for me. I did the latter and discovered my calling. I made those events a life lesson, because I chose to see it as an opportunity to learn and come out of it stronger and better. The same goes for the spath. The spath is not a lesson by divine will for me, but because I turned it with my own will into an opportunity to learn. And the previous spaths I got slightly involved with through other totally unrelated coincidences weren’t any lesson to me, until I learned the spath’s lesson… only then I could tie them back to what I needed to learn, but was not yet ready to learn from them at the time I met them.
As for what happens to us when we are young. I see it in the following way. We are born and thrown into an existing environment, with our temperament. Just like when we’re adults good things and shit things happen to us. Some of the shit is totally unimportant to us, because of our make-up. It doesn’t bother us at all. Other shit clings to us like baggage. Because we’re too young to make a life lesson out of it, it isn’t a lesson at all. Our life and our experiences are too short and too few to ever possibly make meaning out of it.. but it hurt us, burdens us, is the handicap we’re given to start out life with. Our child’s mind copes with it with survival tactics. But as we grow up we start to relate and connect all the unrelated and coincidental shit, and we start to pull meanings out of our magical mind hat. We will at first pull out wrong meanings, because we’re handicapped with an errounous survival tactic which helped short term but not long term. So, we try again and again until we can create the correct meaning for us.
The youth handicap also makes us prone to seek the same circumstances again and again. What didn’t hinder us in our youth, will not hinder us as adults. We don’t need to learn how to cope with it the right way for ourselves, because we already dealt with and survived it correctly in our youth. It still happens even when we’re adults. We just don’t see it as problematic, because we know how to deal with it without it becoming a problem to us. But whenever something happens to us similar to the shit that handicapped us we’ll make it huge in meaning. We know it’s something we must solve, but we don’t know how yet. And then one time similar shit happens we stumble across a key that makes us regard the problem in a whole different light. We can allot responsibility correctly, we learn a new way of surviving it, and we learn how to avoid it. With the new perspective and through healing we are freed from the handicap. And it stops bothering us.
I’ve met spaths in short contacts after the spath. While they cause shit and problems, I do not take it personal anymore. They have become random coincidences who try to make their problems my problems. And I learned how not to let them succeed in that. When someone tries to cause problems for me or attempts to put me down or make me ashamed for what is basically their responsibility, their life and their shit… then it does not cling to me anymore. These are the boundaries that both solve the old issue, as well as prevent it from handicapping me anymore. I could have learned it later in life, earlier in life, or not at all. I chose to learn from it now for once and for all. And I could do it now, because I had enough experience under my belt, made plenty of mistakes and had tried lots of other different faulty perspectives before, and had healed enough of other handicaps to heal this one.
That is my view on shit happens in life and what we do with that shit: we do something meaningful with it and turn it into a tool of growth, we can ignore it, or it becomes our handicap (in the case of youth, this is most likely, because we simply lack any experience to do anything with it, and too dependent to ignore it)
Um…..Darwinsmom…….that was one of the most helpful things I think I’ve ever read. Wow. I need to print that, post it in my hacienda, car, EVERYwhere and read it on a daily, no hourly basis!!
I am so glad you posted that. What a perfectly expressed and wise message. Thank you.
D2
Hi LF family,
I have not had contact with the SP eventhough he has been calling me. I have not called off anything instead I have reached out to a friend and shared my story, She has offered so much support. I am so glad I did that. I guess in times like this you have to build your armor of support. I am so grateful for all of you and I value this sight more than ever. No contact is best, I dont want to see or talk to him. I havent been able to sshake the fear yet and get angry. Maybe I’m still in shock or something.
Darwinmom,
I dont know why bad things happen to good people or children. I believe that God doesnt make these things happen but He helps us through them. Just my belief. I respect yours. Bad things happened to me as a child and there are no justification. I am just glad I survived and I pray I survive this. I think I will. Night time is the hardest. I keep on pushing through waiting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.