Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
LOVEs, Good for you! You are correct, this cyber-place is family! We Have wisdom and understanding here, Unlike any other place I can think of. When I contacted our local domestic violence center, I specifically asked if there was anybody acquainted with, Any type of sociopathy. I was told no! I could go on about the list of questions that I have asked various professional people, and they were clueless! For what its worth dear heart, I SALUTE YOU! 🙂 Take everything 1 day at a time, That’s what you should do and you will become stronger as each day goes by! That is what I am doing, 1 day at a time, Anything more than that, Sometimes it causes me to lose my resolve. Best wishes to you, dear heart! Sincerely, Radar
LoveS, is there anywhere you can stay for now? A friends or family….somewhere other than where he knows you are?
Why do shitty things happen to good people?
Again this is from my atheist pov: Life, nature, the universe just is… it has no mind, no meaning, no will, no plan… It just is a mumble jumble of events, some caused by others (a chain), some forming because of powers forming, some because rocks, dust and stuff do what their nature and its laws make them bound to do. Life ain’t fair, nor is it unfair. It just is, lucky or freaky and stupid. It’s only unfair in the mind of humans who as a species make meaning out of everything.
A fluke asteroid can hit the planet and wipe out a whole species that reigns a planet for million of years. That’s just very bad luck for the species. And it’s good luck for the furry, tiny species crawling on all fours that gets an opportunity to diverse and take the former role of the previous giant lizards.
Life happens: good things befall good and bad people, just as shitty things befall good and bad people. It just happens. Darwin could have not been put out on the street and either kept by the original owners. Darwin and his siblings and his dad could not have come across by a caring person who alerted animal wellfare. His tomcat dad might not have taken up the role of food provider after their mother disappeared and let them starve. It might have been his sibling in the socialising cage when I visited the animal wellfare woman for his dad. I might have adopted his dad, or his sibling. Somebody else might have adopted him. I wouldn’t have been there in the first place had my Nelson not died after some freak idea of his to jump through a door and trapped himself in a wedge straight to Cat Heaven. My Nelson might not have gotten the chance to do that freaky unfortunate jump, if I had not decided to stay longer in Latin America and returned home earlier. My Nelson could have died a year later from his shrunken kidneys. So many possible events, so many choices, so many lucky circumstances, so many unlucky circimstances. They all ran in collision with each other and the result is that Darwin is my cat, and none other. He’s happy and content with his life and having me for his adopted mommy cat. I’m happy and content for him being there. I can’t imagine it being otherwise, because it wasn’t otherwise. It’s possible it couldn’t have worked out at all. But luckily for the both of us it worked out all fine.
And that’s why my cat is called Darwin: you make the most of what life hands you out or slaps you with.
Makes me wonder how to fit spaths in that:
They do what they do intentional, and yet it’s not personal, because they could do it to anyone (just like I could have adopted any other cat, and Darwin would have been living happily wherever as long as he had food).
And while they are spiritually and emotionally void, absolutely unconscious on those levels, they are the most superstituously paranoid. In their minds nothing can happen coincidentally, because they do everything with intent. They blame everything for causing what they do: trees, animals, weather, traffic, you, parents, children, the wind, the sun, the waves, gods.
And they are a statistical, random certainty, just as much as asteroids hitting planets somewhere sometime.
And it’s their nature to be who they are: their brain is what it is… not like ours, incapable of loving, bonding, empathizing, without a conscious, and yet knowing what is good and bad and prefering bad over good. Just like planets follow gravity laws to circle around the sun, spaths follow the laws of their brain make-up.
So, most of the spath encounter is as random unlucky and accordig to laws of their nature as anythign else, except for one thing: it’s intentionally malicious. We just happen to cross their paths, and end up being the roadkill they chose to swirve towards intentially. They’re like an asteroid that developed a brain and while on its course and nearing a planet thinking, “hmmm, I want to see whether I can wipe out a species” and when the dying species bleats and whimpers the asteroid blames them with, “you should not be so weak that you could die and this planet shouldn’t have been on my road to tempt me”.
OUT OF THE HEART, FLOWS THE ISSUES OF LIFE CONTAINED THEREIN. We Can testify that we all have choices to make. Joyce is each 1 of us do make. Everyone can choose, To act accordingly towards the good, Or choose accordingly for the bad. Having to learn so many lessons, I have learned that evil always has deception attached to it. Deception is the antithesis of truth. Those individuals who operate under the cloak of deception, that make it a habitual way of life, are EVIL. Malevolent in their intent, To deceive and ultimately destroy.
So right Radar. Sp’s are evil. They are deceivers and authors of lies. They have no truth so they can tell no truth.
Darwinsmom…….Spath x said….after he verbally abused me, something to the affect…..” If you don’t put the ball on the field, it won’t get kicked.”
OMG! He believes that is a valid reason for kicking the ball…..just because its on the field. Ok…..so the ball is on the field, you could kick it, you could pick it up and hold it, you could walk by the ball, you could walk off the field, you could pick up the ball and then walk off the field. IDIOT!
He really seemed to believe that because the ball was put on the field, it was ok to kick it thereby absolving himself of any responsibility……..AGAIN!
Amazing.
RadatLove,,,,,you got it. They lie and then lie about the lie. Or conversely, they omit the relevant truth because to reveal it would prevent them from getting what they want. They are pathetic and weak bottom feeding parasitic creatures.
they always mix a little truth in with their lies to keep you off balance and confused.,google> Gaslighting.
LoveRocks I’m very angry and horrified to read of the vicious assault you were subjected to. You’re in my prayers, and you are showing tremendous courage and resilience. Let’s look at the positives. He has condemned himself with his cowardly brutal attack. He will be dealt with if you just keep it together and cooperate with law enforcement. My counselor told me my (sexual) abuser thinks his (disordered) personality is bigger than the forces of law and order. He’s wrong about that, I have filed papers at court with the help of the police to get him to stay the hell out of my life, he harasses me constantly although he’s married. So if we just keep it focused and go through the procedures we can get safe. Love which does not ever suck lovey, only abuse sucks, to you. Be strong x