Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
I bought myself some flowers. I got my nails done and I will be getting my hair done, I want to take a trip somewhere, Just me to exhale breath be…
Right. Wow eye opener thanks. Eventually of course it would have got to that point. I was starting to miss the flags and tolerating more. I guess i feel guilty because HE wont talk to ME and wants to change his number…which I know is good. But I keep thinking if he’s washing his hands of me it must have been my wrong doings. At least yours goes to jail. My biggest fear is that he will go on to have a happy life.
TOWANDA Lovesucks!
Atta Girl! You felt better than you have in ages didn’t you?!!! 🙂
Remember that feeling!That will help you through the ‘difficult times’.You can do this!
Every morning when I rise from bed and walk in the bathroom and see the floral arrangement I made,I think to myself,”This is gonna be a good day!” 🙂
Love, I did all of those exact things!! Red gerber daisies!! (I’m in Canada so the flowers are scarce) also I’ve been trying to practice meditation in the morning(10 min) and self hypnosis before bed. There are lots of apps I fall asleep to them.
Gm to all,
Thanks to Truthspeak an Darwinsmom,
I have much to ponder over both your posts regarding my question of why I needed this lesson. I respect the differing perspectives on which they are based.
It is clear to me this is an opportunity for growth. I will touch base on here later today..since my morning is filled with work and I cannot do justice to the responses quickly. Wishing you all a peaceful day.
Lovesucks…hugs and light to you. Are you well today? I will tell you what my best freind said to me when I first left spath..”stay empowered!!!”
Peace,
Blue
Serenity…I can relate. Even though he is a piece of shit and a Spath and I wanted so many things to be different, when he would disengage it hurt. I felt rejected and it stings like nothing I can describe. I think it’s my wounded child part feeling MY abandonment issues and shame.
I have a lot of that to heal but I HAVE to keep in mind that even though I have those wounded parts of me, I’m not like him. I don’t seek to hurt or destroy other people and in spite of the nature of this f’ed up situation with Spath, I treated him well, had good will towards the relationship and above all, I was honest with the piece of shit. Read the article I posted. It really helped me put the blame for the relationship not working where it belongs. On him. I’m only responsible for me and with someone like a Spath in your life, you are fighting a loosing battle trying to have a relationship AND working on yourself. They undermine EVERYTHING including themselves.
The link is on the previous page. It’s a good site.
A must read!,
http://narcissisticbehavior.net/category/what-exactly-is-narcissism-explaining-the-many-facets-of-narcissism
Serenity…..I had guy friends telling me that he was a POS from the start. One called him Norman, for Norman Bates, another called him Jeffrey Dommer sp. I was warned and warned and warned but nooooooooo! Who did I choose to believe? Him. Someone who has been married four times, is in bankruptcy and lives in his mothers basement, has twisted sexual preferences, doesn’t have practically a thing to his name and can’t even keep his shoes tied. And he’s an alcoholic. What a guy!
He made me feel good in some ways and kept me company but I now see that the person I loved was an act and that hurts beyond description. I’m not an act and he walks away knowing that the person who wanted to love him was real. Fuck him. He’s a rapist in my mind now…..a deceptive user. Fuck him. Rapists are the lowest of the low. Right down there with child molesters and people who rob and abuse the elderly. If you are with someone who is pleasing you sexually and you are not being 100% honest with that woman…she can not make a sound choice and is having sex with you under false pretenses. That is rape by deception. Real men don’t rape women…they protect them.
woman accept that her man doesn’t love her and move on
Most women learn about men, love, sex and relationships the hard way. They walk down the highly traveled, worn out path of emotional scars, broken hearts, abuse, confusion, anger and sleepless nights. When it comes to learning the hard way, you can get to know a great deal about men, love, sex and relationships, but most women who have traveled that path will tell you, “The price is too high and the consequences and lingering effects are way to painful!” Smart women understand this irrefutable truth.
They know there is an easier less complicated way to obtain the vital information they need to know about the opposite sex. Ladies, these 40 nuggets of wisdom and sage advice will help set you on the right path to finding and experiencing true love. Share these life-saving truths with every woman you know. They will forever thank you!
1. There are two types of males: Dishonorable males and honorable men. Don’t date or marry until you know how to tell the difference between the two! The woman in the mirror will graciously thank you.
2. Honorable men are protectors. They will guard your heart, protect your emotions, defend your honor and stand as champions for your spiritual, mental and physical well-being; choose an honorable man and choose life!
3. You are not a car; if you meet a man who wants to test drive your physical body, emotions and feelings, point him to a car dealership, bid him adieu and don’t look back!
4. This is a true saying: “The soul of a woman is fragile.” Please note: dishonorable males refuse to respect this crucial truth. They will toy with a woman’s emotions without any semblance of concern or compassion. Therefore YOU must guard your heart from these cold-hearted males with all diligence.
5. Good men need to be treated like good men, dishonorable males, need to be let go and left alone!
http://askville.amazon.com/woman-accept-man-love-move/AnswerViewer.do?requestId=31248267
We are not responsible for spaths dishonorable choices and actions. We ARE responsible for ours. I will hope beyond hope that if I ever again encounter another POS like him, I will not ignore the first red flag….
Dorothy, I never thought of it that way. But it makes sense. After he checked my phone that night he STILL wanted to have sex in the morning…I didn’t know he had checked my phone yet. So he (tried) to squeeze one more in there before he then escalated what he “read” (which was nothing) from there and I became the psycho more and more every minute. You go from reading my phone, trying to have sex, not asking me about what you read( cause he knew the answers were innocent) to calling me a danger to him and his family? All in 12 hours? How does someone’s brain work like that? I know that if I read something that upset me I’d want to talk and ask questions…sex would be the last thing on my mind! Now I’m thinking about many situations that attributed to your definition of rape…yikes hurts to think about but a perspective I’ve never considered. Thank you.