Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
Radar, any specific reading you found in your research about what rape victims feel like? I’m interested in comparing how I feel. Thanks. Have a peaceful day everyone. I tell you I’m grateful for my job(teacher) the innocence of children reminds me that (most) people are good in their cores….to start with anyway.
And I love your dark alley comparison Dorothy…totally makes sense!
Dorothy, I CONCUR!!!!!!!! Serenity, just Google Emotional symptoms, Devastations of a rape victim, You will find it! I cannot copy and paste from my phone.
I hate the feelings that WE are feeling. The disappointment , humiliation, the anger hurt and rage. I hate it for all of us I really do. It feels unbearable at times, as close to unbearable as it can get. And it evokes a sense of panic in me because I know there is no way around it, only through it. It SUCKS! But I guess I just have to put on my big girl panties and do the best I can, like it or not. I have to find a way to address the issues that made me ripe for being a target and that allowed me to invest in a bad investment. I have to insist on the truth from ME and I did not do that. I relied on him being truthful instead of me listening to my own inner truth. I need to learn the word NO! I need to say….this is not ok, so go away until you can come to me from a place of honor and if you can’t, stay away. I tried to make a silk purse out of a sows ear and this is what it got me. Period. Right from the get go, he was dripping in signs that he didn’t respect himself! How would he ever respect me? If he showed such little self care, how would he ever show me anything different? The bar was not only set low, it was on the friggin ground for godsake!
And at the time I met him…..my level of self respect was pretty low……drinking, running around at bars, sleeping with just about anyone and basically prostituting myself for companionship. Not good. So this is what it got me. What a tragic hard painful lesson. 🙁
Dorothy2, a bar, or a “Church” ( thats where i met the pisa s*** … it matters not, where! They are all out there just waiting, how to find their next victim, and source of supply!
BOOK SUGGESTION: “Emotional Rape Syndrome” by Dr. Michael Fox.
Rape is when an act is perpetrated WITHOUT CONSENT. When a spath dismantles our systems of beliefs, healthy “Self-isms,” and ruins our finances, they do this WITHOUT CONSENT of their victim targets.
This is a very interesting book that addresses the correlation between actual sexual rape, and the emotional rape of victims of sociopaths.
I highly recommend placing this read on the “Must List.”
Brightest blessings
Thanks Truthy! I’d like to say that I was 100% victimized but honestly, in my case which may be somewhat different than others…..there were plenty of opportunities to escape and I didn’t heed the warnings. I was vulnerable, no doubt and I had no concept that something could be as bad as this was, true. But I did see and ignore many red flags that I KNEW were red flags, relight from the get go. I was in an alcohol induced fog and just not functioning at full capacity. Then, I was under the influence of bonding hormones and oxytocin and it was too late, I was hooked.
I’m not making excuse number one for the POS. just because someone is able to be ” taken advantage of ” doesn’t make it right to take advantage of them. Or, to use his lame example, just because the ball is on the field doesn’t mean you have to kick it. He is a piece of sh and he is choosing to remain a piece of shift. I hope it bites him in the ass in a way that makes me feel vindicated because I know I meant him no harm. I just wanted a companion and a man to champion me as a woman.
He is pathetic.
Speaking of rape, a friend of mine was brutally raped by a guy who tricked her into thinking he knew her friends who were having an after bar closing party. She left the bar with him and is lucky to be alive bathe story is horrible and the sad truth of the matter is that if she would not have been drinking and at a bar…..it never would have happened. She was not in her right mind and was blinded by alcohol. She was not keeping herself safe. Of course he is a POS for raping her and at the same time, she walked right into it by not honoring her own safety. Very tragic.
Dorothy2, I’ve been gang-raped, date-raped, spousally-raped, and emotionally raped.
You typed, “…she walked right into it by not honoring her own safety.” Having survived my experiences, there are certainly times when a situation can be “predicted” and avoided. Other times, TRUST is deliberately violated without any ability to predict the event.
Whenever I have trusted another human being with my own safety, it has resulted in damage, more often than not. Sadly, it took me nearly a lifetime of “walking into it” to finally GET IT.
Brightest blessings
EDIT ADD: I’ve been pondering the victim-blame for decades, and the reference that your friend “walked into it” may have some validity, but it’s also an indication that “blame” is often laid upon victims that they, somehow, “should have known,” which perpetuates self-blame when people are exploited by spathic entanglements. It’s not that anyone “wants” to be destroyed, raped, or dismantled by a predatory human being – it’s that Cognitive Dissonance kicks in and blame is assigned to victims because the truth that someone would deliberately, intentionally, and with malice aforethought damage another human being for their own entertainment and/or purposes just doesn’t fit into our system of beliefs. So, we assign blame to victims because it’s easier than accepting the truths and facts.
I used to blame myself, ALL of the time. Today, I only accept responsibility for my own actions, choices, and behaviors. And, no matter how well I guard my boundaries, there will ALWAYS be another predator in the offing that will test those boundaries.
I’m so sorry Truthy. I’m sorry you have been through all of that and I’m sorry she went through it and I’m sorry for the things I’ve been through. Mostly date rape, drugged, taken advantage of when drunk. Emotionally raped, yes.
Lets pray that we will never walk into these horrible traps again and that we will above all else keep ourselves safe to the best of our ability. I’m armed now in a way that I never have been. Dorothy the Spath Slayer.
Dorothy2, I’m grappling with a response that won’t come across as harsh, and it’s difficult for me because my experiences weren’t anything that I simply “walked into” to willingly be gang-raped, date-raped, spousally-raped, emotionally-raped, or financially defrauded of nearly 300K by people that I was led to believe to be trustworthy.
Perhaps, it’s the continued reference that victims “walked into” the damages that were perpetrated against them that I’m finding so triggering – I was questioned as to WHY I “didn’t know” that I was being defrauded or WHY I “didn’t know” that the exspath was living a double-life that I’m associating with your words that are disturbing to me. Of course, 90% of all human interaction is audio/visual, so internet communications can (and, are) often misinterpreted, so I apologize if I’m misinterpreting your responses as victim- and self-blame. We are NOT responsible for the actions of predatory human beings UNTIL we become educated about them, “red flags,” predatory behavior, etc.
If a person forgets to lock their vehicle with their wallet laying on the front seat, it’s a stupid mistake, but it does NOT allow a passerby to open that car door and take the wallet and its contents. That, I believe, was the point I’m trying to get across. Certainly, after having one’s wallet stolen in such a scenario, I would be vigilant at checking to lock my car door. Same goes true with victims of predatory human beings – we don’t know what we don’t know, and the subject of human predators just isn’t something that we are taught by our parents, religions, or in gradeschool Health classes. Once we are aware of the fact that predatory human beings exist, then we are on notice that we must, indeed, use caution and create boundaries. But, until such time as a person understands this fact, how and why they are targeted and exploited is solely the responsibility of the perpetrator, and NOT the victim.
I hope I haven’t come off as being harsh and this is something that I really, really need to work on, personally, to manage.
Brightest blessings