Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
I feel one of the big problems with sociopaths is they do what they do very slowly and by the time you start doing some research it’s already too late. You are thoroughly intrenched in the relationship and even if you read some of the material (info) you may not read enough. Just a list of behavioral characteristics isn’t enough. I read one of those lists and still stayed. I didn’t know the full scope of the methodical damage over time that they do. You don’t comprehend that they are absolutely going to do IT ALL to you. He absolutely did it all to me. When the mask was fully off he was purely insane. I just said….WTF????
Truthy, your last 5 posts ( and most all of them!) Have a high element of depth perception, wisdom gained, birthed out of great personal pain, trauma, etc. For what its worth, tragic are the circumstances as to why you are here, I’m Thankful that you are here, as well as Donna, Oxy, And everyone else! Thank you for your insight, I have learned a lot from you, and everyone here at Lovefraud! Best Wishes, Radar
We sure get our “rose colored glasses” yanked off, don’t we. I really didn’t have any boundaries. It wasn’t anything I thought about because like all of us I thought all people have at least some good in them. Boy, have I learned a lesson. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. And stick to them. PERIOD
Truthy, you did not TO ME at least come across as hateful in any way.
Yes, I have the RIGHT to walk down a street naked and NOT GET RAPED, but if I chose to walk down a street naked and got raped, I would have to share some of the blame.
If I get falling down drunk, I have the right to NOT GET RAPED by my date and 10 of his friends, but my choice to get falling down drunk contributed to me being raped.
If I am home alone and some random rapist comes into my home and rapes me, I did NOT contribute to my rape by my behavior or poor choices.
In NONE of the cases does the rapist get off scot free because I “contributed” to the rape by my own poor choices, they still VIOLATED ME, but if I had made better choices it wouldn’t have happened.
In the cases of psychopaths fooling us, we can’t always “see” or “know” that trusting them is a bad choice because they put up a smoke screen to cover their behavior. After we have found out that they are liars repeatedly, if we stay around, even if we are trauma bonded, we are contributing to the continuing abuse. Doesn’t mean they have a right to abuse us, but ONLY WE CAN STOP IT by learning to set boundaries about how we allow people to treat us.
I lived in Denial about Patrick for DECADES, other psychopaths I recognized what they were and kicked to the curb in a matter of months. Some others were “friends” for years and even though I knew they were dishonest I allowed them to remain in my circle of trust. I “forgave” (meaning: Let’s pretend you didn’t steal from me and start over) over and over.
Now, I am learning to make better choices and DO make better choices MOST OF THE TIME. I still get fooled once in a while, but when I see it, I IMMEDIATELY quit that relationship.
I’m learning to stand up for me, and demand that others treat me as well as I treat them.
Truthy, I’m sorry that you are triggered by what I said…..I can see how that would be triggering. I’m going to go back and reread my posts and yours. I just wanted to get the I’m sorry out there ASAP.
Love to you. D
I ask this question every single solitary day. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember trying to separate from him in college. He was not happy that I was dating other people. He was not happy that I admitted trying to detach and meet others. That is when he went to my parents and asked if he could propose. He knew I was dating other people and “boom” like he needed to keep me for some reason. . . like I was a piece of property. I remember saying “yes” but with hesitation assuming I had time to make a decision. I became pregnant. I was vulnerable. This made me his prey and from this day forward he kept me under his control. . . through threats and intimidation and controlling my friends and family and being charming and manipulation and lies. I tried to divorce him three or more times. Each time being told I couldn’t because of his connections. Sometimes being told that if I did he would make sure I never saw my children again or that I would have to abandon my children and that would make me a “bad mother”. Other times him calling all my friends and family to convince me to stay. And other times giving me tidbits of love and promises to become a better husband and father. I stayed. I stayed 15 years too long. Each day feeling more and more weak and more and more powerless to the point of having not an ounce of self confidence and wits about me to pick up and run. Why do we stay? Why do they keep us there? Why do they use us like pawns? I just don’t understand any of this. If you don’t love someone and can’t love someone and only seek to terrorize someone, set them free. I did live in denial. My husband tried to keep me silenced. He liked to call me “crazy”. He liked for me to question my own existence. He even convinced me at times that I was everything and every name he called me. If he called me fat, I gained weight. If he called me lazy, my body broke down. If he called me a bitch, I felt angry. How do they do this to us?
By the way, I have been in five long years of therapy. During the marriage, we touched on therapy but he never wanted to be involved. It has been a long road and I think I will be there forever. I try not to look back. I try not to bring up the traumatic memories but they come in waves. They come in nightmares. They come when there are triggers. Sometimes they come when I see his face usually smirking as he did all the time while name calling or lying to me. It was almost sadistic. It confused me. It made me so frustrated. I just didn’t understand how someone could smile and smirk and call you a “fat pig”. It made me cry. It made my body break down. Sometimes it even made me drink a glass or two of wine to numb myself from the pain of it. I just wanted to make it stop. Sadly, one of the most traumatic things was when I saw him sitting with my three children towards the end when he purchased them a WII game center and then sat them on the couch and told them to make a character of mom and to make sure that they made the character fat with a pigs tail and devil horns and pig nose. He then applauded them giving them attention that they so wanted (because he was never there or attentive) and then even told them to send it to others remotely so they could see it. I think I had an all out breakdown. I couldn’t get out of bed for days. I couldn’t believe what was before me. My older son has Aspbergers syndrome and other issues so he knows no better than to just listen. My youngest son was too young to know what was wrong. My daughter was manipulated by money so did whatever daddy told her to do. It just broke me down to pieces.
Ok. Basically what I mean is what Oxy just said. Almost verbatim. And I can only speak for myself and the choices I made and didn’t make. And Truthy, I did not take offense to ANYthing you said.
I think the problem might be that you could be hearing me use the word “blame” when I did not. My comments were centered around the word “responsibility”. Personally, in retrospect, I see clearly…..when I get down and dirty honest with myself, that I saw plenty enough red flags, felt uneasy, was not happy, said WTF not only to myself but also to him and a multitude of friends and several counselors. There is no excuse for me having stayed other than being in denial of the obvious fact that he was not going to change. I wanted and hoped beyond hope that he would because there were many aspects of our relationship that were very enjoyable and comforting to me. BUT, when it’s all said and done….I never trusted him. Something always was off. Something inside me could not relax into it. Those were my personal red flags that I ignored. That is my responsibility, just as it is my responsibility to keep my armor on in life and do my very best to keep myself safe like my friend did not.
When a woman goes out in public drinking and has a known pattern of getting, as did my friend, as have I, they are not being vigilant in regards to their safety. To be honest, I couldn’t even begin to tell you how lucky I am to be alive and lucky that what happened to her didn’t happen to me and it is LUCK.
I’ve had DUI’s, ended up in people’s homes I didn’t know from Adam, dove head first into the shallow end of a swimming pool, been hit by a car going 35 mph as a j-staggering pedestrian blind drunk. Risky business. That’s only scratching the surface!
The silver lining to my Spathcapade is that my drinking days are now behind me. I might as well be naked on a subzero day when I drink. It’s in my genes and in one way or another would have been the death of me. SO….that is my responsibility. I can’t be responsible for some POS spaths choices but I sure can reduce the odds that their choices are going to impact me. I live in a very, almost unbelievably safe area but I still lock my door ALL the time.
Anyhow, like I said, I can only speak for myself here…..I wanted him to be my man more than he will ever know. And when it became more and more and more obvious that he was not able or willing or interested in being a man period…….I just kept hoping and living in denial of the obvious.
He’s a uck up and I can’t see anything in his life that shows any evidence of him ever being anything but a uck up. Did I really think that was going to change? BUT I STAYED!! DENIAL!
I have to see this now because I didn’t want to see it then and I don’t EVER want an experience like this in my life again!
All for now Truthy.
I never set ANY boundaries with Spath x. I only complained and whined that things weren’t ok for me. I see this now. Early on, and I mean early on when he showed me evidence of having an issue with telling the truth, not being able to just talk about a problem, spinning things back on me, etc…..I never said… HEY! This is not ok with me and if it continues, I’m done mother cluker! No! I just complained about it but never put my foot down because I didn’t want to loose him…..” Us”. I wanted it to work. I wanted to believe him even though his actions said something much different than his words. Shame on me and shame on Spath.
Dorothy2, Donna asks posters here not to use expletives in their posts, if you check her guidelines you’ll see we all need to water down by changing letters or substitute eg @.......%?#. Thanks.