Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
Truthy, as ever, your dignity and resilience is an inspiration. Thank you for the support and kindness you give so generously here to others. You’ve helped me so often. Peace and much love to you today x
I understand your response Thruthy…
Bars aren’t imo and ime bad places, but then I grew up in a culture where bars are THE FOREMOST place where you meet your mates and friends, planned and unplanned. It’s the corner stone of social life here.
Yes, bad people can be there. But they are everywhere. For me saying that walking into a bar is unsafe behaviour, is like telling me that going to a grocery story is unsafe behaviour.
I also come from a culture where you’re allowed to drink a pint of beer or wine from 16, strong alcohol from 18. There’s lots of social drinking. In a sense being drunk is frowned upon, because you’ve supposed to have learned how much you can take by the age of 18, but at the same time there is care both from servers as from other clients to watch over someone who’s drunk so much they can’t take care of themselves anymore. People will act like a protective herd almost around such a person in a bar, unless they’re aggressive. So, while it’s irresponsible to get drunk (but once someone is drunk they are incapable of making intelligent decisions for themselves and will probably get even more drunk unless someone else makes a stop to it), I nor my culture see it as an excuse for anyone to take advantage of it.
Personally, I’ve been at bars frequently for years including tipsy (sometimes drunk). I arrived on my own. I went home on my own. Of the thousand times I’ve been followed or harrassed thrice after leaving. Those three times I was sober, not even tipsy.
And so I don’t see how either going to a bar or even getting drunk contributes to being raped.
Misslock – I am so sorry for what you went through. It is horrible. Unfortunately, just about everyone on Lovefraud knows exactly what you are talking about, because they’ve experienced it also.
Please feel welcome here. We have lots of information that may help you, and a lot of people who are available to offer moral support.
Donna…. Sorry about that. Won’t happen again. Dorothy.
Oops…… I mean TeaLight. No more expletives! Yikes! I apologize.
Dorothy
Misslock, you and your children have experienced truly appalling abuse. I just wanted to follow Donna’s lead and welcome you and to wish you strength and courage on your journey to recovery. God bless.
Darwinsmom, I’m not saying that going to a bar in and of itself contributes to getting raped but if you have a know history of drinking to excess it certainly does because you obviously do not have your wits about you. It happens all the time in this country that women, college students, etc, are taken advantage of and or raped when they are over served. I can remember being at a night club/ bar when I was just out of high school and went to take a sip of my beer and found a pill in my mouth. Someone had put a pill in my beer when I wasn’t looking. This place was not some quaint little neighborhood pub but a large nightclub. Same with the place my friend had been the night she was raped. There were hundreds of people in there and that guy overheard a conversation about a party and pretended to be part of the group. He was not.
I can only say about myself…..if I’ve been drinking, especially drinking too much…..I do not make sound judgements. Sometimes I’ve been fortunate to have someone in my corner to look out for me but not always. I’ve been very lucky and can’t count the number of times I could have been raped or murdered or even have hurt or killed or killed someone else in an auto accident. I’ve made all kinds of irresponsible choices while under the influence.
I know and see clearly now that drinking is no longer an option in my life because of the risks I invite upon myself by doing so. I can’t count on someone being there to keep me safe so it’s up to me. Too many unknowns out there to even consider the risk.
They can slip rohypnol in water or a pop soda. People with malicious intents will create the ideal circumstances for them to pounce someone.
I never encountered violence in Nicaragua or harrasment either, except for one time. Of course I never went out there with more than just pocket money to buy drinks, and I often drank soda pops or water. And when I’d go home the pocket money would be finished. The one time I was assaulted, I was completely sober and not even coming from a bar. But I was upset and fed up with spath staying out, thirsty and out of cigs. So I went out with my ATM card, my toothbrush and cellphone to get money. I encountered him just before entering the ATM. He was on the beach (a place I did NOT walk for any reason at night, not even if he was there) shouting at me to come. I waved at him to signal ‘wait’ and got the money. He was gone when I got out, and I took a different route, along night guards, to get to the bar for the cigs and soda pop, with the plan to go to my hotel (since I had locked myself out of his home not having his key). His mates assault robbed me on the way, right in between two places with night guards. I saw them running towards me, and it was exactly because I knew they were his mates, two guys I had played pool with, that I stopped and waited for them to approach me. I cannot prove it, but there is no doubt he ordered it (circumstantial evidence before and after).
One could say I was stupid to take a walk around 1 block at 1 am. And of course that’s what he berated me for. But that’s not what had made it dangerous. He was the danger, and no other. Had I been uninvolved with the spath, it wouldn’t have happened. And he would have ‘taught me a lesson’ somehow somewhere by someone anytime anyhow. A girl who RENTED a room at his house got raped. He swore he was out and of course he was urging the police to find the culprit. But there was no breaking and entry, and the girl hadn’t taken the rapist into her room, and there was but 1 key to the house… he had the key.
He is and was the danger, nothing else. This perfectly fits crime statistics: most (violent) crimes are commited by people you know and trusted, not strangers.
I’d just like to say….I’m strictly speaking about myself and my situation. My irresponsibility and my choices or lack there of. I just see how I was not taking care of me and that I stayed with Spath x because I was in denial and didn’t want to face the truth. Kind of like that saying…..fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. Well I allowed him to fool me and fool me and fool me and make a fool out of me. I certainly hope I have learned this lesson. I don’t EVER want to feel like this again.
You weren’t a fool, dorothy and there is no shame on you. You believed that his mask of sweetness and goodness was genuine; that he was a deeply flawed man who made mistakes, and therefore believed he was someone able to change and grow. You did not know that people can pretend kindness and loving so well and so convincingly. You did not know he was rotten through and through. You did not know he was nothing but malicious. You did not know he can not grow nor change.
You know it now. And you now know what the signs are of people like him to keep yourself safe, whether at a bar, a club, a church, a library, a volunteering food distribuation kitchen, your work, your family…