Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
Mich01011, You are most welcome! We are all here to help 1 another a long are healing journey! You can think about it like this as well, Yes we received a lot of pain from them, But we can take that pain, flip it, And use it in a productive manner! Productive for the positive, productive for the good. They will always be the Dirtbags that they are, But we can refuse to be there roadkill! 🙂
To be free, You said he has a new victim. Knowing what you know, Your negative experiences with him, You have to ask yourself a really hard, honest question… Knowing what you know about him, Would you still climb on the back of that bike with him? I ask you this question, Because I have asked myself these kinds of questions. Where are you I am now in my healing journey, The answer is an absolute no! Look at your situation from the facts of what happened to you, and not how you feel. At times it does work, to use a rational mind over an irrational heart! It really does! You really don’t want yourself back in that deception…
Best wishes to you!
Ughhh! Disregard any typos! Lol! All I have is my phone, to read and post! *sigh*
Thanks Radar.
I am constantly remembering the experiences I have had with him to try and keep my heart in check. It is a battle, the truth over the deception.
I don’t think I am very far in this healing process.
To be free, it’s okay! 🙂 keep working on yourself, you will get there!
Thank you.
But I have to confess. I had a terrible weekend and most of it was my fault. My ex-bf had his 50th birthday this past friday and his daughter ask me to come out to eat with them and some others. The new girl was not invited, don’t know why. I shouldn’t have but I did. And he was at first nice but later was very distant. After dinner we went to have drinks at a bar with another couple. I didn’t drink very much but the rest did. I mostly talked to the other girl with us and didn’t hardly talk to the ex. He was ready to go so when we left he wanted to go dancing where we had gone many times. I said ok. I was driving. We went and had a great time like we use to. At one point, I went to get some water and when I went back to where we had been, he was not there. I looked around for him but didn’t see him. Some random guy came up to me and started trying to dance with me. I told him I was with someone and didn’t want to dance. That guy just kept trying. I looked up and my ex was coming around the corner of a column. He had been standing behind there hiding and watching me. He headed for the bathroom. I headed in that direction and waited for him. When he came out, he I am ready to go. I said I am too. He didn’t say a word to me the 20 min drive to his house. When we got there, I took his cake in and said Why did you get like that? And of course, he said that it was because I was dancing with that guy. I told him what happened and asked why he didn’t he come around when he saw me looking for him. He said he didn’t want to talk about it. Then just gave me a slight hug and said thanks for coming. I just walked out without saying goodbye.
What a terrible mistake!! I know and have tried so hard to have NC. So, everyone, don’t fuss at me.
I cried for 2 days!! Seriously. Once again, he was setting me up to make me feel like I did something wrong and ruined the evening.
I didn’t hear from him Sat. or Sun. But Monday morning and this morning I got a text from him that said, Good Morning. I’m happy to say that I didn’t reply, and I haven’t talked to him at all.
Now, here I am picking up the pieces of my heart and trying to put them back together.
To be free,, its alright. We sure do live and learn don’t we? It might help you, to look back over the past weekend, and look at it objectively, and without emotion. If you seen someone else in that kind of situation, facing that kind of hurt, just what is it that you would advise them? Yes, We sure do live and learn…
Dear ToBeFrree,
Sugar I am so sorry you had a bad weekend. Let me say though that staying NO CONTACT iisn’t for us, and isn’t to keep us from being upset. NO CONTACT is for YOU. If YOU don’t “believe in” NO CONTACT it isn’t gonna happen.
It is like quitting cigarettes. If your FRIENDS are all for you quitting but YOU are really not wanting to then you will continue to Smoke. It is an ADDICTION, and this iis an ADDICTION and until YOU are ready to stop the INSANITY OF THIS ADDICTION, you will keep on finding some excuse to see him.
You did good to not answer the texts, and he will keep on doing that to try to drag you in.
My guess is that HE WENT AND **TOLD** THAT GUY TO TRY TO DANCE WITH YOU so he would have an excuse to blast you. Otherwise I think the guy would have quit. That’s why he was hiding behind the wall. It was a SET UP.
What WE think about you seeing him or having contact iis NOT IMPORTANT, it is what YOU believe and feel. You can ask for our advice and we can give it t you, but it is up to you whether to take it or not. You are a big girl and get to make your own decisions, but you also get the consequences. But we will be here to help you pick up the pieces when you fall apart. (((Hugs)))
To be free, as they say over on 180 Rule…..you slipped and got slimed. It’s his game and I will almost guarantee that he accomplished his mission which was to make you feel like sh@t. It happened to me a month ago. I slipped and got majorly slimed. The stuff is very very hard to wash off.
You learned an important lesson. A painful and important lesson. Now start NC again and keep track of the date. That seems to help me as the weeks tick by I see that IM DOING IT!
Sorry you got slimed. Hang in there! Don’t berate yourself. Look at the whole experience like some nasty tasting medicine you had to take to get rid of the flu!
I wish it didn’t have to hurt so bad but I’m afraid it does. To remove slime you have to scrub and scrub and scrub! Ouch!
Sociopaths do not experience “happiness.” They simply don’t. IMHO, they might experience momentary “glee” when they’ve duped a victim, or they’re getting something that they want, of course. But, they do not experience contentment or true “happiness.”
Just because a spath has hooked another victim does NOT mean that they are experiencing “happiness.” What they are experiencing is the thrill of the set-up, the game, and the anticipated discard.
One of the things that I’ve found personally difficult to reconcile is that the exspath doesn’t live in the same Universe that I do – he doesn’t have a conscience and, therefore, does not experience remorse. Additionally, he does not experience joy, contentment, fear, or anything that “normal” human beings do. This was part of the basis of an ongoing cog/diss for me: that he had human skin tissue, ate like a human being, could speak like a human being, could sleep like a human being, and appear to BE a human being. But, he doesn’t even experience the mirth that a pet does when they’re accepting and providing affection and companionship. He just doesn’t.
It’s VERY difficult to reconcile these facts with the disordered – they do not “feel” much more than anger, envy, and the thrill of the hunt. They MIMIC human behavior, but they don’t FEEL it, on any level.
Brightest blessings