Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
Truthy….you are awesome. So wise and articulate.
One consolation we all have is knowing that just because the Spath may have snagged another victim, we will have the satisfaction of watching THAT relationship crumble. Spath x had four marriages before we got together……he will find someone else after me of course. You don’t have to be a brain surgeon to figure out that his next ” relationship ” will fail, just like the others have unless he finds someone who is in a coma.
OxD, spot-on. Even when the exspath’s grandparents pass away, I will NOT, under any circumstances, even convey my sympathies. I’ll “feel” their passing in my own, quiet way, but I will never, ever have contact with that THING, for as long as I live.
ToBeFree, I’m so sorry you had a terrible experience, again. You are under NO obligation to “play nice” with the spath – there is no manner to “play nice” with predatory human beings.
And, I’m with OxD that he probably set up the other guy to ask you to dance JUST so that he would have something to accuse YOU of. Think about it and imagine the spath going up to that guy and saying, “See that gal over there? Ask her to dance, why not?”
This may not seem relevant, but the colleague that I was renting a room from has a girlfriend who is, at the very least, toxic-as-hayell. During a cookout, she paid one of the colleague’s friends five dollars (yes, she actually did this) to sexually approach my son who had pretty much been dismissed from this event while I was at the studio.
At the time (and, still), my son was emotionally fragile and this guy told him to play along so he’d get the money. My son complied with this, and played along. The whole point is: what kind of person would suggest such an act for their own entertainment?! So, what kind of person would suggest that some random man ask their companion to dance JUST to instigate a situation?!
Spaths conduct their machinations as a means to an end: to prove that THEY have power/control, and for their own purposes and entertainment.
So, ToBeFree, don’t take it too hard. It was a setup from the get-go. Forgive yourself and revisit “No Contact” with a vengeance!
Brightest blessings
Dorothy2, it’s not even a consolation. “Consolation” suggests that there is some sort of peripheral prize or “thank-you-for-attending” aspect. It’s just a plain fact, that’s all. And, I can either choose to accept that fact, or not.
As far as watching that relationshit crumble, I’m not too keen on knowing ANYTHING about the exspath, his current/future victim, etc. I no longer have any “need” to know what he’s doing. ANY information about that parasite will only cause ME more harm. This is another facet of “No Contact” by disallowing any disclosures about the exspath. “Knowing” what they’re doing is STILL contact, albeit the “back-door” contact.
It’s the old “Mind Over Matter.” I no longer MIND because he no longer MATTERS.
Brightest blessings
In terms of the “happiness” comments I completely agree. So many times my ex would say “I just want a happier and stress free life” and “I just want you out of my life so I can start being happier” when HE caused 99% of the stress!! SUCH a blame game! You’re right he never WAS happy and never WILL be! He was always talking about “WHEN I’m rich, WHEN I have this item and that item” It never happened….such a dreamer. But he blamed ME for his “lack of happiness”
To be Free…I had a slip up after 2 months. Agreed to go for a drink. One thing led to another and while I was asleep he checked my phone and saw I was talking to other guys(absolutely nothing sexual going on) then I get the “you’re sleeping w a million guys I KNEW IT all along” and assumed I was the entire 4 years we were together. We had such a great night but was looking ti sabotage. He just wanted power and control. I know his accusations were ridiculous. But they still hurt….but for some reason it’s been a week since that happened and I’ve seemed to bounce back quicker… Hopefully you will too:)
Serenity12, exactly spot-on. They are never living in “The Now.” Spaths are only moving from one exciting game to the next and are never, ever “satisfied” with WHERE THEY ARE and WHAT THEY HAVE.
Blame….eugh. This is probably another reason why I won’t date, again. I refuse, under any circumstances, to accept the responsibility for another human being’s happiness or contentment. The instant someone would try to lay blame would be the instant of “No Contact!” LOL
The point is that I DESERVE a contented and happy life. And, “happiness” is a relative term, on every level. I was proud of myself for having graduated from college and, true to form, the exspath was not involved in this accomplishment. At all. I seem to recollect that he sent flowers, but that was the extent of the kudos. So….I’m not leaving it up to another person to give or take my personal well-being to-or-from me.
And, the “dreamer” aspect seems to be a constant throughout the majority of the spaths that I’ve heard or read described. I don’t believe that it’s so much about being “dreamers,” but that they convey ENVY through wishful thinking.
True story: the first abusive exspath felt SO entitled that he stopped paying bills, one day, and this had nothing to do with my failure to trade sex for financial obligations. This had to do with his overblown sense of entitlement that……….now, hold on………..he was “due to win the (State) lottery.” I shit you not. He actually EXPECTED to WIN THE LOTTERY because he was DUE! This outrageous expectation was such a focus that he began to BANK on the belief that he was, somehow, DUE (
OOPS……..to finish the response:
(yes, he used the word, “due”) that he began to bank on this by taking out even MORE personal loans and driving us into bankruptcy.
Sorry about the snafu, up there.
Yeah, they’re not “dreamers,” because there’s nothing wrong with having dreams. They’re ENTITLED in their vapid little noodles….
Brightest blessings
OMG Lol wow my ex used to think the SAME thing about the lotto!! He had TONS of unpaid bills and speeding tickets and figured the lotto would save all that…man I’m learning so much here about patterns. And Truth, don’t give up on dating, I’m taking a break but I believe there are good guys out there because I have some great men in my life friends, brother, father that remind be what an honourable man is. Hang in there. I’m all about living myself 100% first. Working on it!
Thank you everyone.
I did wonder if I was set-up for that guy to come ask me to dance.
I totally HATE these games and so yes, I am back on the wagon of NC. And yes, after this, I understand more how important it is.
I never thought about them not being happy or having happiness in there life. I really thought that I could never make him happy because my biggest problem was how he made me feel like I couldn’t do anything right. Which he pointed out all the time. Everything was always my fault, no matter how hard I tried. He would say to me “I just need a good helper” I hated that!!
Serenity12, I have no doubt that there are wonderful, healthy, and “true” men (and, women) out there. Not one doubt in my mind. But, I know that I have over 50 years of damage to recover from.
ToBeFree, yeaaaaah…….it was all a setup to remind you of what you believed you were “missing,” and how YOU were the cause of all the problems. Of course, these things are NOT true, and you “know” this.
No….they are never “happy.” They’re only envious, angry, and hyper-stimulated by the hunt, chase, and kill.
The “feeling” of not being able to do Anything right is almost 100% typical – they are NEVER satisfied, so it goes to reason that nothing anyone could do would ever meet their approval. Remember, “approval” is doled out on an as-needed basis. “A good helper?!” ROTFLMAO!!!! Oh, gawd, it’s almost verbatim what the second exspath would insinuate! HE just “needed support.” Not emotional support, but my finances which he coveted and subsequently defrauded me of.
They are EACH individuals with their various M.O.’s and so forth, but they are almost all cut from the same piece of cheese. The more I learned, the more predictable they become. If love bombing doesn’t work, they try the pity-ploy. If the pity-ploy doesn’t work, they go for the drama/trauma-bond. If that doesn’t work, they go BACK to the love bombing with new and more creative flattery, etc…..
Just………………………ick.
Brightest blessings