Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
““IT” never thought I would walk and stay gone”
I always bought into the pity party before””
So true~
Yes….For years and years and years……..and then….when I had enough and was cornered with the biggest decision of my life…..(defend him OR go against my children) There just wasn’t any other choice. All his lies and manipulations and abuse jumped out at me like a freight train exploding. I never questioned what my kids exposed to me about him.
Not for a moment!
He was doing it to my kids……
I choose my kids!
He HAD to go…..and go forever!
Hi sociopathssuck,
I completely agree with EB an Moondancer. If people haven’t listened so far then let sleeping dogs lie.
“he keeps conning people and he keeps getting away with it”I don’t understand it, especially when I’ve warned them”LOL.”
I feel sorry for anyone who crosses the spaths path. He used to refer to them as “my next victim” and laugh hysterically. Near the end I quoted him and he went off his rocker, foaming at the mouth in anger and rage. Oh no he did not like me recognising what he was. And I think he was scared I would expose him/ unmask him? Don’t know but have left it well alone. He is a nasty man.
Stay safe with your children.
Dupey,
““IT” never thought I would walk and stay gone”
I always bought into the pity party before—
Hell yeh sister!! Stay strong and safe dear Dupey
IMarriedIt, the “lifestyles” and preferences of spaths are pretty much interchangeable. They are interested in whatever meets their needs, whether it’s bisexual activities, or being involved in “altruistic” endeavors in a religious community. EVERYTHING that they present is an illusion.
As you move further down your individual Healing Path, the focus will shift away from what he is, what he’s done, and what he’s doing onto yourself – that is the most amazing aspect of recovery to me. How it went from his forgeries and double-life to MY strengths and vulnerabilities was the weirdest and most fasciniating transition in all of this.
One day at a time. 🙂
Brightest blessings
SociopathsSuck, congratulations on your custody matter!
With regard to “outing” the spath, it may be helpful to consider the motives behind this idea that we have ALL entertained. In my situation, the exspath had lived a very deviant sexual double-life before we even met, and he was able to coerce me out of AND generate forgeries that resulted in liquidating about 300K – none of which I will ever recover. Should I alert the world that he’s a predator, an absolute lying manipulator, and a that they should be wary of him? Perhaps.
For me, I am grateful to be alive, this morning. Getting even with the exspath, making him pay for helping himself to MY finances, and outing him for what he truly is requires a tremendous amount of energy, focus, and activity. What good would it do for me to expend all of that energy, focus, and activity to simply “out” the exspath? Well, some people may believe the facts, while MOST people are going to see the mild-mannered, beleagered, and “abused” persona that he’s currently presenting. To the majority of people, I will end up looking like the UNSTABLE NUTBAG that he has claimed me to be, all along.
I am a firm believer that what goes around will come back around. No, I may not be aware of what happens to him and it’s really none of my business, now that my divorce is final. MY business is with me – myself – my recovery. Whatever happens to the exspath, it will be a result of his OWN DOING, and not any action that I take to make him pay for what he’s done. I’d rather live with this option and focus my energy upon my recovery than waste it on a subhuman illusionist. Just my 2 cents.
Brightest blessings
Well, another day another drama. We are supposed to have therapy this morning but he (SP) ran to his sister’s house and refused to go. He is hiding out like a jerk. He stayed up all nght drinking, He was still drinking at 6 am his morning. I wanted those doctors to see him like this. I want them to keep him. I caught him reading my journal. I had it in my purse. I keep it close to me because he has gone through my private jpurnals before. I had to take them out of the house and hide them. Now, I have to call the therapist and cancel again. I always tell her the truth but he lies to her. I am so tired of this. He tried to get me to give him $20 but I refused. He said it wa for his sister but I knew that was a lie. That is when he left and didnt come back.
Truthspeak,
I like your your two cents. Once we realize we are dealing with a disordered person, and learn the patterns that emerge from the common defense mechanisms they use, we have the tool’s we need to distance ourselves from their distortions and build our own understanding of the situation – one based on reality and not on distortion. I think trying to out a sociopath is dangerous, and asking for more drama. Unless someone has personally been involved with one of these creature’s they wont get what your tryng to tell them..and yes we end up looking like the nutzy one.
@Radar On: You said: “PLEASE don’t be to hard on yourself, that will continue his carnage! We do know how you feel!”
And that is so true! We can continue to beat ourselves up, but it doesn’t change anything, except to continue his carnage in our minds. I work on that every day.
To Love Sucks: In a healthy relationship, sometimes, yes it does suck to be in love. In a spath relationship, there is no love (on his part), so you are losing absolutely nothing by getting rid of him! AND, if YOU do it, you will have the satisfaction that you made the choice and not him…unlike so many others here who were blindsided (like me, for instance) That took a long time to get over and just added to my pain. But, if you make the decision, you will have gained that much more power over your life.
You have to understand the rules of war in a spath relationship. There is no Geneva Convention or boxing ring rules for them. They fight dirty, because they have no conscience and they can. They are sneaky and underhanded, secretive and nasty. And like a snake or a little child, they will bite you badly. With spaths, there isn’t even honor among thieves! They are just bad, bad people. No matter what persona he is portraying, it is all a lie. If he says anything, he is lying. Whether it is something nice or something moral…whatever…he is lying. Period.
That one thought, every time you look at him, needs to stay prevalent in your mind. He is just one big lie. And even though that is mind-boggling, it is the truth. You have to hold on to that one truth.
I wish you so much luck in getting away from him. I hope it is your choice, because that helps down the road, but even if he figures out what you are doing and leaves on his own, because you’re not falling for his lies anymore, that’s ok too. Just get rid of him. Don’t try to be right, try to be free. Try to be happy. You won’t regret it. He will not change for you or for anyone else he hooks up with, because he can’t ever change. He can only hide it for a little while and then his insanity will slip out again.
Best of luck.
Lovesucks – therapy with a sociopath is useless. Don’t waste your time and money.
Is that why he doesnt seem interested? He cancels whenever he gets ready. Why did he even agree to go? I thought that by getting help with his PTSD, things would get better but I discovered that it is deeper than that…much deeper.