Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
Oxy, every situation is different. I would imagine that information about your son would be quite upsetting. I’m kind of an emotional retard sometimes….no breaks. I’m very transparent. I’d be shocked that if someone told me Spath x stepped in a big pile and his Spath Mama got stuck holding the diaper bag, I wouldn’t do a back flip and wet my pants laughing. That may sound vengeful, juvenile, or something worse but I’m being dead honest.
Good advice. I’m going to try a neutral response. It’s only really to his low life friends that he can keep close does he slander me to really. But the school I took a transfer to is part of the same community and he coaches(ya kids he leads) in the community so I worry about that. I’m just keeping my fingers crossed. I’m WAY smarter than him I know that for sure. And since I live in Canada the whole “suing” thing is a little more difficult with our socialist justice system lol. Thanks everyone got a lot out of this today. Weird how somedays I’m ok and others I’m glued here looking for answers and relief and understanding. So appreciative of you all:)
I just read this article and it really clarified the cognitive disonnance issue even further. Even if you just read the summary at the bottom it’s very helpful. This is exactly what happened with Spath x and me. 🙁 ugly.
http://narcissisticbehavior.net/category/what-is-stockholm-syndrome
Like Dorothy2, I want karma and justice! My ex husband and I work for the same company. Talk about the 180 rule- even after he’s been gone for a year to another office I keep learning new things. I found out to my huge embarassment that he was making ugly racial slurs about a pregnant African American lady who worked for him. He got in a lot of trouble for that…here’s the 180 part. He actually “had the hots for her” according to my source, and was hitting on her too, among the many others he got in trouble for sexually harassing.
Meanwhile, at home I was asking him to stop being racist because it offended me. He was also sleeping with me, looking me in the eye with the predatory stare and declaring, “Woman, I LOVE you!” In other words, while he was talking nasty and racist, he was drooling over his black female employee (and sleeping with me, his wife.) I admit I was surprised. Never guessed that one! Even though I’m rid of him and moving on, as human beings we have an inborn sense of fairness (just like we were born with a conscience) and want to see justice done. Isn’t it only fair if we’ve been wronged to seek redress? I’m a firm believer in karma, but wish sometimes it didn’t take so long. We wouldn’t have the court systems if it wasn’t natural to want those who wrong us to be punished and made to pay the price. I hope mine gets what he deserves.
Gm to All LF,
I took a couple days off of reading-blogging.The mind needed a break. Had a dream last night…in it, I did what I never had the opportunity to do to his face. I told him I knew that the whole relationship was just an illusion…that I was aware of what he is, why I was vulnerable to him and that he is a soul eviscerating-cruel-heartless-pyschopathic-predator….that I consider him to be the worst human being I have ever encountered. All screamed and with as much fury as I could muster.
When concious, I do not feel the intense rage I was feeling…more like sadness at the whole event having occured…..so much trauma to me emo-spiritual-mental and spiritual.
I have read over some posts from previuos days…thx to,
Dorothy2 for the post on dishonorable men vs. honorable men. I am going to share this with all freinds who have similar drama with men and keep it handy for reference before I ever date again…long ways off.
Radar-on, how true it is …I feel like a rape victim. I am. What a spath does is certainly more evil than a man who just wants our bodies for pleasure/power/control, requiring a single time violation.
Wishing all well and a pleasant and peaceful day,
Blue
G’mornin to as well Blue! Hpoe your few days away were praceful and healing for you!
Dorothy2, you’re going to do what you feel is best for you. My personal experiences and those of the hundreds that I have read about on this site, and discussed with others in Real Life suggest that you will probably be the first person in recovery that will have the ability to process the subsequent feelings as a result of back-door contact.
Wanting justice and karma is a NORMAL feeling and response to ANYONE who has been victimized. Consider all of the victims (and, their survivors) of random, violent crime – people who have been beaten, raped, shot, stabbed, strangled, etc., for NO other reason than being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Consider how those survivors might have a desire for justice or karma. It’s “normal.” But, then…..there are those survivors who declare that they have no ill-will against the criminal. The mother who asks a prosecutor to NOT seek the Death Penalty for her daughter’s murderer. Where does that come from?
When vengeance, retribution, justice, and karma become a focus for me, I am stalled in my recovery. I am giving space in my head to the exspath on a rent-free basis. I end up paying the tab because he isn’t giving me a nanosecond of his thoughts. He isn’t! So, why would I continue letting him live inside my head, rent-free? The facts are unpleasant, but they are undeniable that he never cared, and anything that happens to him won’t be viewed as a payback for what he did to me. It’ll just be something for him to glom onto to perpetuate the PITY-PLOY.
And, I must be absolutely honest, here: I had months (yes, months) of obsessive thinking about karma, justice, fairness, etc., ad nauseum. I was making NO forward momentum for myself and my recovery because all of my energies were focused upon my WANTS for fairness, justice, karma, etc. It took a long, long time for me to let go of that obsessive thinking and recognize and accept that this line of thinking was 100% toxic FOR ME.
There isn’t one religious, philosophical, or spiritual writing or doctrine on this planet that says, “Life Is Fair.” It isn’t. It never has been, nor will it ever be so. When I accepted this undeniable fact and applied it to me, personally, I was able to evict the asshole exspath from my head and make room for ME – newly constructed beliefs, newly constructed boundaries, self-worth, self-esteem, self-control, and every other healthy “Self-ism” that I had lacked throughout my half-century of life. Wow……….once that exspath was evicted, there were dust bunnies and rubbish that needed cleaning, and it was no easy task! Once I began that process, there was so much space in my head that he had taken up with his lies, his frauds, his machinations……..omigawd, the sun shone in on places that had been dark and dank for decades.
There will come a point, in due time, when the spath is no longer a concern, nor what happens to him, how it happens, when it happens, and so on. It just takes time and willingness to “accept” to get to that point.
Brightest blessings
Blue…..shortly before Spath x came along I had encountered a guy who I was allowing to “use” me sexually. This was during the time I was drinking heavily and pretty much a total mess. What I was getting out of it was a party pal and occasional companionship. All very sick dynamics BUT he was honest about his desires, was very upfront about not wanting a relationship and we actually had fun together…..I know he liked me and I “liked” him. I got too attached, as usual and wanted him to be more than a FB, or so I thought at the time but that was not where he was at. Done!
My point being, he was honest, didn’t blow smoke up my ass so it can be done. He was no saint and I wouldn’t go out with him today if the opportunity was there but he was honest. See, his objective wasn’t the same as Spath x. He was just wanting some sex and didn’t need to possess me, abuse me, manipulate me, lie to me, etc…etc…etc….
I hear you Truthy. I really do. The thing with the Spath situation I was in is that there really is no legal recourse. He is flying under the radar.. Even when I knew he was lying, I couldn’t prove it MOST of the time and when I could, I was never given the honor of true remorse for how it affected ME or contrition on his part to really change.
I am NOT one of those people like the mothers you speak of. They may not seek the death penalty but I can guarantee that they didn’t ask the judge to let him out of prison. Personally, I think a life in prison without a chance of parole is better punishment that the death penalty, especially for rapists and child offenders. My understanding is that fellow inmates are none to kind to child offenders.
More later Truthy.(Hugs)
Dorothy2, I have bank photocopies of the drafts that the exspath forged that total over 75K from my individual investment account. I have no legal remedy, either. The exspath wasn’t contrite or remorseful, either. In total, I was relieved of 300K and left for dead when I had no more cash value. I discovered this ONLY after I had learned that the exspath had been entertaining extreme (and, I mean XTREAM) BDS&M activities and interests that included genital mutilation, torture, snuff, and veiled necrophilia during the entire marriage, with other people.
LMAO!!!!!!!! So, my response was to pay honor to the desire for justice, karma, and so forth, but to also reiterate that the “wants” don’t necessarily come to fruition – obsessively thinking about this was really hindering my recovery.
Brightest blessings