Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
Hi, dorothy2.
Thanks for posting the link on narcissitic behaviour. I also found an article on gaslighting through that link.
Describes my ‘shepath’ ex-gf perfectly and helps explain to me what happened.
I am recovering but the self-doubt that she sowed through the gaslighting, denigration and discard process was incredible. There have been days when I doubt my own ability to tie my shoes. I get things done sometimes – but it’s as if I don’t know how it happens.
Fixer, if it’s any consolation I get to the end of the day and wonder how the hell I got up that morning, dressed, cleaned my teeth, ate, washed the dishes, shopped, worked, talked to people who haven’t a clue what I’ve gone through and still go through, etc. No idea. One foot in front of the other, repeat, that’s my life. Very dissociated most of the time. Very disconnected. Worryingly, I’m getting used to that, and a lack of connection with others. I fake being jolly and up beat, and that seems to satisfy most of my colleagues and the people I deal with regularly, and my freinds are getting fed up with me just not having the energy to socialise. So be it! I’m not in the mood, sorry! Love to you Fixer hope you and your son are doing well x
Tea Light:
SIGH. I am reading here today. I am like you. I go through the motions a lot. I am so sorry we have to feel like this.
I was doing so well on this vacation and then I saw something that really, really has made me feel bad and now I am sooooo mad at myself for looking…back door contact. I am so upset, but trying to control myself and not let it affect me. I can’t believe it. Just can’t believe it. This is why any type of contact is so bad. This was the nail in the coffin I think.
Peace to you…I think about you often. x
Louise, sweetie, don’t beat yourself up about the back-door contact. I’ve experienced it on 2 occasions – the first was when I was searching an employee roster to find out information about the exspath. There, on the employee roster, was his name and the name of his BDS&M “Mistress,” so not only did he maintain this deviant affair with someone in his office, but his co-workers were well aware of what he was doing (photo images that he had loaded onto the “family” computer under his password-protected screen were taken in a coworker’s living room, upon retrospect). Then, I saw the exspath’s FaceBook profile when I created a new profile, myself, and began creating my “blocked” list – his profile photo was taken inside of his new vehicle by someone in the passenger’s seat, and there was the same, exact online flirtation that he used with me going on with his new victim target. He had also listed a Christian ministry as one of his hobbies.
Yeah, I looked, I saw, and I despaired. Then, I dusted myself off, put on my “big girl pants,” and flipped him off in my mind. I learned that valuable lesson that even back-door contact creates damage. After the second event, I accepted that ANY information about the exspath was undesirable for me, personally.
So, hugs to you, sweetie. You’re okay, and you’re going to be fine in a few hours. Just let yourself feel the emotions, acknowledge them, and then tell yourself that he’s taken up enough space in your head.
Brightest blessings of encouragement
Hi to All,
Dorothy2,
In response to your post about an ex-BF before spath, I see now, that is all I was to the spath; sex, companionship…and someone to drag in front of family. work and freinds as the acceptable woman…while he was porning away and hooking up with others …at random. I know he never intended marriage to me, though he said this from first weeks together, b/c I have no $ resources, both x Wife 1-2 had alot of money. His current victim is independently wealthy. I certainly would have been better off if he had told me “I would just like to F— you for awhile…how does that sound to you?” But spath’s don’t do truth…I accept that I was naive and soooo blind. He triggered all my childhood issues on perfect target….now I know all the info gathering he did early on was just to make his masks and see if I was a viable candidate.
I do feel down, sad, almost depressed today. Not the intense anger I had last month…now sadness has set in. I am not sad about his loss, maybe a little over the “HE” I thought he was…but mostly sad at the carnage that used to be a happy, balanced woman. As I drove home from work today…I just felt utterly empty of joy. When I met him, I was full of Joy. I am going to rest today instead of all the things I keep putting off…I just can’t seem to get to a place where I function at a high or pre-spath level. I only do the necessary everyday. That is all I can show up for. Thx to all for being so supportive. I
I have 2 new commitments I have made. I am giving myself a lifetime membership in ACA (adult child alcoholics…keeps my head tuned up and teaches self parenting, boundary building) and to blog some on here and/or other sites to help support people who have been violated in some way…b/c I know how it feels…and how helpful it is when someone gives back. Giving is the gift of oneself, as well as a gift to self. Something a spath can never understand or enjoy the pleasures of : )
Blue
Hello all:
Just checking in. I got home yesterday from an appt and the phone rang as soon as I got in the door. IT was the sp. I didnt answer it of course but I did turn around and leave I get tire of the calls. He is using getting his stuff out of my house as an excuse to call. He wont be coming but his sister or someone is supposed to come. He is still hiding from the cops I think.
Truthspeak:
Thank you so much. I feel so bad, but I have to move forward. There is nothing I can do anyway. Helpless. No control over what other people do; only myself. I am also having coughing fits now that I am at the end of this sinus infection.
You say I will be OK and I used to think that, but now I am not so sure. Am I EVER going to be OK? After three YEARS of work on this, I am still struggling. Not good. But I am TRYING and I guess that is the most important thing. HUGS.
Lou??! What did you do? Did you google his fakebook page? Gah…too much temptation on your holiday, were you alone in the condo? You’d better get some skis on young lady and stay away form that lap top. I feel like absolute bleugh. Just blaaaaahh. Maybe buying Cosmos with Carl Sagan will cheer me up. Maybe his outrageous 80’s ‘do will cheer me up. Update me Loulou. We’re here for you. You know that. x
Bluemosaic, I identify with how you’re feeling, today – grieving and recovery is a roller coaster ride with VERY few level spots. Be patient with yourself. (HUGS)
LoveS, you’re doing GREAT……let the cops sort out the collection of his junk. Better yet, pack it up and put it outside so you don’t have to have ANY contact with anyone associated with the spath.
Louise, if you’re having a really tough time, it might be a good option to engage in some strong counseling therapy. Yeah, you’re going to be okay. You are.
Brightest collective blessings of strength and encouragement!
LoveRocks, tell the cops he rang you. His sister can ring, but not him. He is facing jail for his violent assault of you. He is a dangerous criminal. Keep that No Contact going love. Stay strong. You’re going so well, we’re rooting for you. Let us know how you get on. Be around good people, and be safe. x