Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
TeaLight, they can HAVE each other, for all I care. I’m living in a completely different Universe of light, love, and healthy “Self-isms.”
And, Louise, you are going to be okay. Get a list of strong counselors from your local domestic violence hotline – seriously, that’s how I found the counselor that was a GODSEND for me.
Hugs, and hugs………
Louisie-girl, you CAN stop it. You have the power to do anything you want to do. And, who the fark am I to judge Anyone, right?
So, the shame is out. You’re a human being, and you learned a valuable lesson that even “back-door” contact causes more pain. Now, you know this. Before, it seemed like a random thing that you were capable of controlling. Now, you know that it creates damage.
Next time you are tempted to make that back-door contact, you’ll remember how painful this was. It’s the burned hand that teaches about hot stoves best, don’t you think? Hearing it, reading it, and discussing it scratches the surface, but EXPERIENCING the consequences is the best teacher.
And, like TeaLight suggested, watching “Cosmos” would really (seriously) be an EXCELLENT alternative!
Love and hugs to you, Louise. You are okay. You are.
Yes, Lou, I’m with Truthy , I think as we were talking about after the firing news broke, that you are suffering unacceptably, and I think the counseling route has to be done down, please Lou, get some numbers when you get home , and make the calls, fix some appointments, promise you’ll seriously think about it at least? Awful to think of you so upset. x
Right I’m off home from the office, so I’ll be logging back in in an hour Loulou if you need to share . Love you you, it’ll pass, it really will x
Louise, what I did after BOTH of my delightful back-door contacts was to cry my eyes purple. I cried, ranted, raved, threw a full-on “inner child” tantrum, and got that farking venom OUT of myself. Then, I was calmed down enough to examine the options that I had chosen. We always, always, always have options available, even if none of them are pleasant or comfortable.
Today, I know that checking that ass-hat’s profile would be as helpful as driving a knitting needle into my eye. I’m not going to do it because I will create the damage, myself. I hate this fact, but it’s indisputable.
Light, girl……..there’s light at the end of this stretch of the tunnel on your Healing Path.
Tea Light:
No, right…I can’t call him…I have no number. And even when I did have his number, I only called him MAYBE four times in the whole three years. And no, it wasn’t Facebook.
OK, this is what has happened. Deep breath…
There is a thing called LinkedIn (not sure if you have heard of it). It’s like Facebook, but for professionals. You can connect with people and find jobs, etc. Well…my friend who had called and told me he got fired was also the one who told me that she heard he had started a LinkedIn account apparently because now he was fired and this would be his way to stay in contact with his work minions and also a way to find a new job. Soooooo, stupid me went in there and invited him to connect with me JUST to see what he would do…really, I just wanted to see what he would do, well….I found out. He not only ignored my request, he clicked the “I do not know this person” button which means that I can never again invite him to connect. It bans me from ever trying to connect with him again on LinkedIn. So of course, that REALLY hurt my feelings because even though we have not had contact for so long, I just can’t comprehend why he is shutting me out, but whatever. So I felt bad enough about that, but then today, I just about died. I went into look at his LinkedIn profile and the way it works is, you can’t see other people’s connections, BUT…it will list other people on the side and when you see those people, you can almost guarantee that they are connected to the person whose profile you are viewing. Well lo and behold, guess whose name pops up over on the side???? The OW in my office who he said he would NEVER speak to again!!!! My heart just sunk to the floor and I felt awful, absolutely awful knowing that he has accepted HER invitation to connect and not mine. I ALWAYS suspected that of course he was lying to me and he was still working with her and I am gone…they still had access to each other. I KNEW there was no way that they had not ever spoken to each other again. And really???…after what she did?? And here I am the innocent one and I am the one of course that gets kicked in the teeth???? I am just so upset. And you know what is really weird? I never dream about her and the past two nights in this condo I dreamed about her and both times in the dream it was her saying that she was connecting with him…how weird is that?? That convinces me now without a doubt that our dreams are trying to tell us something. I woke up both days and told my friend the dream and both times we both agreed that it didn’t mean anything, but now this. Then I told myself who cares if he connected with her…it doesn’t really MEAN anything, but the mere fact that he rejected me AGAIN is just awful. So this was the last straw…never again. I just keep getting hurt over and over and over.
Thanks for supporting me. I don’t know what I would do without you and other on here. Love to you. x
Louise, I’m familiar with LinkedIn. This “friend” who told you about his LinkedIn profile needs to be revisited. Yeah, you took the steps that created this current chaos, but that will pass. What I’m concerned about is that someone would keep you up-to-date on this rat’s ass KNOWING that you were horribly hurt by him. What kind of friend does that?
And, there will come a point when OW is not going to matter, either. What he did. What SHE did. What THEY did…..it will all fade to a muddy blur, in due time.
So, you’ve learned a valuable, albeit painful lesson, right? That’s all. That’s it, and that’s all. It was something that you needed to learn.
Truthspeak:
It may not seem like a big deal to others, but when this woman was such a source of hurt and then to know that I was rejected again and she was not…it’s just extremely hurtful. And I still find it very interesting that I was dreaming about her and haven’t had a dream about her in at least a year or maybe longer and then this.
She WAS beginning to not matter at all. I didn’t even think about her anymore and now this. But I will get over it. I have to.
Another thing I thought and maybe you can help me with this. It doesn’t necessarily mean that person listed on the side is connected with the person’s profile, right?? It could also mean that she is connected to other people that HE is connected to…I think that is how that works. So I may be getting upset over nothing, but I am not sure.
Thanks for your support.
Louise you know I totally agree with Truthy. What sort of friend is feeding you info about him. Like who gives a shiat!! I mean I know you do but maybe it’s time to say no more. I don’t want to know. We really have to stick rigidly to NC or we allow that which hurt us to have control over our emotions again.
Lou, I am not judging you……I’m talking from experience and I learnt the hard way. Don’t do this to yourself.
Stay strong sweet Louise 😉
Oh Darling Louise,
Please no more abusing yourself with shame sword, that someone in early youth undoubtedly taught you to wield…as someone did to me. I felt shame just wanting to marry my spath (at the min, he was an alcoholic w/ a reputation among his own as an asshole and womanizer…gee,…what a great catch LOL)
Two points to touch on. I dreamed of woman I was doubled with all year, and then replaced me when I would not play ball anymore. In the most vivid of these dreams, she told me she had WON him b/c she never let’s him tell her what to do. I played “simon says” with him, he ofcourse, the master. Maybe our dreams do mean things about an underlying issue we have…but we can still let them pass b/c they are not facts either. Just like feelings…fall, let go.
I contacted mine late Dec, after not hearing from him over a month. His response was cold, no interest in me. Hurt triple worse…but who cares? THE BIG BAD DADDY LION does not love/want me! He is a souless-cruel-mean-spirited MF’ing asshole who used me as a piece of flesh for over a year of my life…with no concern how much pain that was going to cause me. In some strange way…I am glad he was done. I don’t think there would be much of me left if I had been of interest to him longer. Maybe the reality check of what they really are is necessary for us…till we do not care anymore. Hugs to you.
Thx Truthspeak for your wishes…I am trying to be ok with not being ok. Sure does feel like a roller coaster…I don’t like roller coasters! I am soooo non-dating mode. The thought even crossed my mind today that I am not sure I will ever want to share a love relationship again. I think I may be done with that.
Blue